Focusing.

The weather today has been really nice, so it has been an extra pain that I was feeling ill again. I went to work this morning but had to throw a sickie this afternoon. So MT kindly phoned my customers for me. It is a pity she can't say 'sorry but my slave is unwell today and won't be coming to work for you, what little use he can be today will be used by his owner'. Can you just imagine what nice old ladies in their eighties and nineties would make of that?

Moving on to more serious things, although I am feeling decidedly unwell/ stressed/ tired etc, I am making a conscious effort to focus more on my behaviour. Whenever my service/ attitude wane it is never a conscious thing, it just sort of creeps in and then won't creep out again. It is like a slow submersion into a dark place, before I know it I become totally engulfed. A fully fit MT usually drags me out of it pretty quickly, often painfully. Even though she is still unwell she has provided additional encouragement and this is ongoing.

I do not like it when I lose focus, it unsettles me and obviously it pisses MT off which I like even less. I never mean to be a bad slave or unworthy property. The emphasis should come from me all the time to maintain what MT requires, I just fall well short of this sometimes. Pressure/ stress of certain kinds really gets to me, I know I have mentioned this on numerous occasions but it really is what leads me into so much trouble.

Sometimes I lie in bed feeling so stressed it feels like nothing in my life is right, but when I try to think of exactly what I am stressed about I can not think of one single thing. Even when I try to think logically and go through things systematically eg relationship, money, work etc I still end up with no specific issue. I guess I must just be a stressy person.

Humiliation part 2

After re-reading yesterdays blog following KellyRed's comment I realised I had not explained myself clearly, quite a common thing for me actually. So, I thought I would try to explain it a bit more clearly. I do not like being humiliated, I absolutely hate it. The feelings I get when I am humiliated by MT are not positive ones. I do not get a nice trippy sort of high feeling. What I get is more like, 'I am struggling to breathe properly, I wish I was anywhere else, doing anything else, just wanting so much to not be doing what I am being told to do'. I feel such a deep sense of shame, sometimes I can not even look at MT and can only look at the floor/ground. The feeling of shame, can last for hours/ days, even weeks. Some things still remain prominent in my head even though the event happened several years ago.

There is also a cumulative effect as well, when I reflect, and realise I have done X, Y, Z and X plus 20 etc it heightens my humiliation. There have been times when I think 'what has become of me?' , sometimes I think about how as the 'old' me would never have done this/put up with this, why am I doing it now? The answer of course is easy, well the generic answer is. Of course it is because I am owned, because I am property and this is what my owner requires of me. But it does not answer the 'why' question. Why , when I spent so much of my life ensuring I was never humiliated do I accept it now?

Given a choice, I would take physical pain over humiliation any day, and bearing in mind I am not a masochist and hate pain that speaks volumes as to how much I hate humiliation. Yet it is humiliation which has the greater impact on me and helps to reinforce my status as property and enhances/ reinforces my love, commitment and dedication to MT.

It is such a mystery to me, but I am ok about it being a mystery, because perhaps some things in life just 'are' and defy rational, logical thought or understanding.