But this was to pale into insignificance on the 'bad day front' as I committed a heinous crime. A crime against my Owner.......there can be no worse an act.
Now I must confess here on the internet for all to see, the shame of it all, I can hardly lift my eyes from the floor. I scattered yellow poppy seeds in our rear garden....yes I know it is hard to believe, but I did it. I feel so ashamed, please do not judge me too harshly.
I committed this heinous crime at lunch time. Newly acquired seeds from a customer, gathered from a garden, were wilfully scattered by me into two flower beds in the rear garden. What is more they are close to red roses. I realise it was a foolish and horrifying thing to do. In my defence I can only plead mitigation, that A) I thought it would brighten a dull area of the garden, B) I think they are pretty, C) I forgot just how much MT HATES YELLOW IN HER GARDEN.
A and B might be forgivable, but not C, well there is apparently no excuse for C.
Whilst having a mid day lunch break snuggle in bed with MT I chirpily told her I had a confession to make. I made my confession. MT made various comments, basically expressing displeasure (I am a master of understatement) and slapped my face vigorously. I decided to attempt to explain why this was really not such a bad thing and received more slaps. When I confessed the offending seeds were by the red roses she punched my face, slapped my face some more and generally made negative remarks. Oh...and she nearly twisted my left nipple from my chest while helpfully reminding me that the colour scheme of her garden has no room for yellow, and the red is only tolerated.
I was given a lengthy lecture (some may say diatribe), regarding 'how could I do such a thing to her garden knowing her colour scheme there is purple, blue, white & pink in an effort to neutralize the yellowish brickwork, and that yellow flowers have no place in her garden. Especially ones that spread like poppies' etc etc.
In a state of panic I had the 'brilliant' idea of suggesting I go swiftly outside and vacuum them up. I also pleaded that they are just seeds, they may not even germinate and if they even do then they might die, especially in cold weather....I am pleased to say this brilliant pitch did not kill me as at one point I feared it may..
When none of this worked, I panicked and tried over the top exclamations of undying love and commitment etc etc....that did not work either....and as she looked like she was about to bite me until I screamed, I hurried off to the afternoon work session, slightly earlier than I needed to.
As soon as I got in from work it was 'mentioned' again. I am contrite of course and have apologised till my throat is sore. Yellow flower seeds, how could I do such a thing? Have I learned nothing in my five years of being owned?
It gets worse, I had a look around our rear garden and the dahlias (which MT didn't really want but generously went along with) I thought were white actually look like they are possibly yellow. The buds are definitely looking yellow....would this be a good time to mention it to her? I fear crucifixion may be imminent.....
Now to my final 'sin' of the day. In between afternoon jobs I needed to use the public toilets. At the urinals a well built 30 year old ish black guy said ' Hi'. I smiled back and said hi. He said ' God you're fucking hot'. I stood amazed, probably with mouth open, speechless for a change. I managed a nervous, 'Oh er thanks'.
I pissed quicker than I have ever pissed before, as I walked out he said 'I would love to fuck you like my bitch '. I was totally gobsmacked and left...quickly. Very quickly.
I recounted this to a highly entertained MT - "it's because you give off a bitch vibe now sweetie" - and she then asked me for the guys telephone number. I of course replied I did not have a clue....and then I got another diatribe regarding how I have previously been ordered to get a contact number if any such advances are made by 'hot sane seeming males' who might be suitable for her to utilise in her live gay porn fetish. Oh God help me.
Sleep tonight may evade me as I keep both eyes wide open and get ready to attempt to escape retribution.
Should this fail, I would politely suggest that any flowers sent to my funeral are any colour other than yellow.
