I'm not a show dog, I'm a butchers dog.

MT was not well enough to go swimming today so I travelled off to the gym on my own. I had a fairly good workout but my back was more than just a tad painful, so it wasn't as hard as it should have been. I enjoy weight training, I find it a good way to relieve stress as well as to tone up. I find it so much harder these days to keep the weight down and to try to not look like a typical middle aged man.

Apart from anything else, I am required by MT to keep my body in good condition. This includes keeping my weight under a certain limit and keeping my body toned.....and of course the hair removal stuff. I also get regular body inspections, now I have to admit that even after nearly five years I really find this humiliating. I feel like one of those dogs at a dog show, where the judges look them all over, check their legs, tails, mouths, ears and arse etc and then give them a little pat before passing judgement.

After the gym, I was sent to do the food shop. I don't mind this too much, I am given a list and away I go. I am much better IMO, of sticking to a list than MT, she usually manages to find little extras to pick up, so my shopping tends to be a little cheaper, although a lot more boring.

After shopping, we went out together to a small town about 8 miles away for a mooch round and coffee. I left MT looking in a esoterica shop (not my scene) to go to the butchers. A very strange thing happened in the butchers, strange and a bit unnerving. The lad behind the counter, probably not far past his teens, popped a pack of bacon (which I had not asked for) into the bag of chicken breasts I had just handed him. As he did this, he smiled at me and gave me a big wink, I smiled back with one of those WTF type expressions.

I then asked him if they had any leaner steak than the ones on display. He replied he would go and find a fresh piece of beef and carve me some nice steaks. When he returned, with some excellent steaks, he winked again and gave me a very big smile. I smiled back, paid and left quickly. I am still unsure as to why he gave me the bacon and all of those winks, but MT has a theory which I found disconcerting and do not want to acknowledge. My Mum always told me to not to take things from strange men, I wonder if that included their meat ?

Oh What A Night..

OMG.

Last week I thought my 'service provision' to MT had attained a level that may never be surpassed. I was proud, very proud in fact, it had been one of the best ever and had been of monumental duration. Yes, the slave walked with a swagger for several days with a big smile on his face. My only concern was that everything after that could seem somewhat inadequate and this was worrying. The next few 'service performances', although deemed satisfactory were of a significantly more normal standard. I knew MT did not expect such performances on a regular basis as these things just happen once in a while but I wanted to provide this again for MT

I am pleased, no I am fucking delighted, to say that last night the slave not only met the previous standard but significantly exceeded it. So much so, that for the first time ever MT actually seemed fully sated....and that is a first. I dont like to boast, but I was fucking awesome (and MT wasn't bad either). Now I feel under even more self imposed pressure because I may never be able to repeat that, or can I ? I decided to offer morning service as well, which was quite special too. Being 55 is not so bad after all, roll on 60.

Making MT's breakfast of poached eggs and toast was achieved with a self satisfied grin and more than just a little cockiness, excuse the deliberate pun. The slave is walking tall, but ever conscious of the fact that pride often comes before a fall, or should that be before a fool ?

I thus felt fairly confident that my request to take Cati out for a ride would be approved. Luckily I was allowed and Cati and I had a little ride, sorry the rest is personal :) Decorum demands that what goes on with Cati is private, unless MT asks me of course.

I even managed to do some work on our garden today, which has been sadly neglected in the last six months. Damn it is a mess, a very poor advert for the gardening side of our business. We had to start from scratch with the garden when we moved here three years ago, there was not really a garden, just a bloody great concrete mess. So it is a fairly new garden but is slowly starting to look a bit more established. It is totally overstocked as my customers are always giving me plants and shrubs and I hate saying no, and then I just can't throw them out, so I plant them. It is getting very very crowded now, but each plant has its own merits and I just cant bring myself to murder any of them, so it will stay looking overcrowded.

(I wrote this because apparently MT said on FL that I was 'low swagger'. I am just so fucking funny)

Just another day in Paradise

Sometimes, days do not go as you planned or hoped and today seems to be one of them. A slightly later start than normal for work, which was nice , but when I got there the plan had changed. I thought I was putting up a shed, but ended up being asked to paint a room and a bedroom skirting and frame. Of course, I went in my garden clothing and not my painting gear, so the garden clothes now have some paint on them.....great.

I popped home for a quick coffee and toast before the next booked job, a customer who can be rather difficult, and today was no exception. I reminded him that my hourly rate had increased as from 1st January. I reminded him because I just knew he would claim I had not told him. Surprise, surprise he was shocked at the increase! So I politely said I would understand if he no longer wished me to reinstate his garden (it has been left unattended for ten years). He muttered a bit, said other people didn't get paid as much per hour etc. I politely stated the people he was quoting did not work for themselves, nor did they supply all the tools or indeed probably have all the other costs a self employed person does, or have the lack of benefits that come from self employment etc. I said I was happy to give him some time to think about it, and to give me a call. He said, "I know its not expensive, its just me, I know you are cheaper than the others, but it's a cold day and I am not right in the head today..."  Well I managed to just politely say goodbye without venting - see I can be good. I am reliably informed by MT that telling people to fuck off is not good customer service technique - it was news to me. She is so much more polite than me (well, unless she decides to go for it).

This was superseded by my car tire bursting and me having to pay out for a new one, hence today has not been a good financial one, I'm minus money earned, and only two hours work achieved, but more importantly, still have several outstanding contracts I could have been doing had I not been messed around. Grrrrrrr. 

MT is slightly better today but still really unwell and struggling. I must put on my nurses uniform ;) Only joking, thankfully, crossdressing is not one of MT's fetishes and I am exceptionally pleased about that, that would be too much.

Tomorrow I am hoping for a stress free day. If it is dry, I might even finally take the Ducati out for a little ride, if I can get permission. Motorbike rides are of course a privilege and have to be requested. It must be about three months since my last ride, well on the bike anyway, I mean the Ducati. Oooops, perhaps the bike ride was a bit optimistic after all.

I haven't told Cati about what MT said about her, I think she would get very stressed. She can also get quite jealous. Did I mention my Cati fetish at all? Best not I suppose, otherwise you might think me a little wierd(er). Can you actually have a poly relationship involving an owner, a slave and a motorbike? I see a new analogy appearing. Practically and technically, MT owns us both, so it must be poly! I must join the poly group on FL, I just hate being left out.

Sleepless in Suffolk.

There are many things I have found difficult about being property, I have at my worst moments wondered if I am actually the slave equivalent of the antiChrist. As time has passed, I have improved, well MT made me so I had no choice. I am still a work in progress but I do think (and more importantly so does MT) that I have made significant advances in recent weeks. I am just hoping that there will not be a any regression, hoping as much for my sake as well as MT's, as I know she will move swiftly against any negative changes.

Recently I have tried analyzing why I sometimes struggle so much, seemingly from nowhere. The inherent issue of not liking being told what to do I have sort of reconciled... ok a bit ;) I have noticed a fairly consistent pattern, I am usually at my worst when I am tired. The more I have thought about this the more sure I am. Like many people, when tired I have less tolerance and just usually want to chill out or sleep. If I can't do either I get stressed, when stressed I am often  a real nightmare, and then my world implodes and I start to make those around me very unhappy.

Bedtime can be a busy time when one is the slave of a woman such as MT. The desire to sleep often overrides my desire to serve, of course I serve, that is my function. I often serve until 1-00 am and then get to sleep shortly after, then at 7-30 ish I get up and go to work. The night is peppered with generally being unable to sleep, pain and numbness in limbs, toilet trips etc, so I end up tired. The next day is busy with work and then the cycle continues, usually a downwards spiral as I get more and more tired. This then becomes more and more of a problem and an eruption is only a matter of time. Then it is 'hang head in shame and apologise time'.

So, having discovered this, I am experimenting with going to bed earlier, so I can serve and get to sleep a bit earlier. At the moment, it seems to be an improvement, I am getting less tired and subsequently less stressed and have not kicked off in a while....Result.

This week is a busy one, I am working tomorrow (Saturday) which is a bit of a downer, but Sunday and Monday are non work days, well non work apart from whatever MT gives me. She is generally very receptive to my pleas of 'please, I need a rest',  well most of the time... unless there is a pressing orgasm or ten to have of course, in which case its business as normal.

Birthday

Fifty five years old today, OMG I am fucking ancient. I am now one of those old gits I used to take the piss out of when I was a youngster, Aaarrg,. I am a wrinkly.

MT got me a really nice card, it has two little pigs on. To the untrained eye, this may seem cute, but it has a much more sinister meaning and is a little reminder of my status and a particular little taunt MT likes to use. She just doesn't miss a trick Respect.

Along with some other nice prezzies, MT also got me a really great jacket, perhaps no coincidence it is a 'Dissident' one - how apt. Much to MT's disgust, I had arranged work today and had quite a busy day. But tonight this spoilt little slave is having a nice meal cooked by MT and there shall be wine (red wine which is all for me)..

I do believe however, that there will be no chicken bones available, as I am having duck. I wonder if duck bones are as good as chicken bones to throw at owners?

As a point of fact, MT did only ban me from ever throwing chicken bones at her, there was no mention of duck bones, I  wonder if I should chance it ? I love being a pedant, I do it so well. Lucky for her I am not eating beef, cow bones would be awesome to throw. Ok, end of 'bratting', well its been a few days now since I was last dealt with. It's MT's fault, she has conditioned me to accept my place.

MT is not very well today (hence it is easier to brat), but on a serious note, I hate seeing her like this. She tries so hard to pretend she is ok when she very clearly she isn't. She is making a big effort today as it is my birthday which is really sweet. But if I could have one wish granted it would be that she could be well.

Question to ponder; Now that I am Very Old, can I make those posts on internet groups where males (particularly dominant ones) say 'I am older and I am very, very wise and this......(insert personal opinion on any subject)  is THE TRUTH!'?  I must run that past MT. I can think of one such place where that might be fun. Oh but I am forgetting myself...I am but a mere slave, and a male slave at that. What do I know?

One of my customers was rushed into hospital last night with his third bout of pneumonia, he also has severe emphysema. According to his daughter, he is unlikely to make a recovery. Just four months ago he was seemingly ok, watching people decline like this and then expire is so sad. During my Fire Service career I saw so many people depart this life and others who incurred such terrible injuries that it meant their lives, and those around them, would be changed forever. Sometimes, being surrounded by so much death and misery really depresses me. Sometimes I feel quite sad that I witnessed some of the things I have seen, sometimes I wish I could have those memories erased, just like in the film 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind'. But then, when I really think about it, these things have all helped to shape me to become the person I now am.

Dogs, houses and automobiles.

Ok, I admit I am a bit of an oddball. I admit I am a bit strange sometimes. I admit having many faults, and having made many mistakes over the years. I also admit to being self opinionated, obstinate and at times being fucking impossible to deal with. I also admit I have a few nice qualities, but I try to hide this for the sake of my rep.

What I will not admit, is that me and my O/p relationship are anything in the world like cars, dogs, horses, houses or anything else that is not human.

I get totally pissed off about analogies that completely rely on the above. MT and I used to be members of a group where the group owner would pontificate about slaves being no different than cars. MT was actually told she could not be truly ownerly because she could not drive a car. Talk about believing your own delusions... there was also much talk about ' possession'. Well we had to leave, I can only laugh so much before my muscles hurt too much, I am just not a twooo masochist.

A slave is not a fucking car either. A car is not sentient, it has no choice in being a car, a car can't decide who will own it, drive it or anything else because...its a fucking car for gods sake.

Horses, now I like horses a lot, hell I lived in Newmarket before I met MT. But while I would not mind having the same size appendage as a horse, I am fuck all like a horse in any serious way either. A horse doesn't decide to enter into a O/p relationship with it's owner, because it does not think like a human being. It ends up being owned, ridden and used for whatever purpose it's owner decides, ok I can see a little similarity here  but that's where it ends. The closest my O/p has ever been to the life of a horse was a pony play session with MT, but I didn't even get rubbed down, washed off and fed afterwards, horses have it easy.

Dogs, now I also quite like dogs, but WTF type of insult is it to a a slave to having endless repetitive analogies of you being just like a dog ('am I an M/s show dog or an O/p mutt' was my all time favourite). Just like the horse, the dog is not human, neither can it choose who owns it. Ok, I have a collar, I can see that is similar, but dogs aren't in fucking O/p. (It might be nice to be able to lick my own balls though as there's no hope of getting MT to do so).

Houses, fuck me they aren't even alive, so how the fuck is that similar enough to count? What choices do houses fucking well have? Oh, I do not like being a terraced house, I want to be detached! FFS when this gets taken too far I sometimes wonder what chemicals these people are on. (I think the clue to the problem may lie in the actual word 'ANALogy').

Whilst on the subject of things people say that hack me off is the phrase 'suck it up'  I am not a fucking straw either, or a vacuum cleaner, slaves are human fucking beings.

In my humble opinion, based on my past life experiences and my present experiences of O/p, relating of course to long term human power exchanges, anyone who thinks the above analogies are valid enough to be seriously useful to discussing O/p in any really meaningful way should be banned from spamming their crap across the internet.

By the way, did I mention this was a rant?

I feel so much better now.

Karma

Becoming a slave has to say the least, been an uphill struggle and I still struggle, albeit not as much as I used to ( well most of the time anyway). Prior to meeting MT, anyone who knew me would not have thought it unthinkable that I could become a submissive, let alone a slave. My life was one big Me Me Me, if someone else got something out of it as well it was pretty much by accident. A sad confession to make, but generally speaking accurate. I used to sometimes reconcile this with myself by telling myself that as I had a career where I fairly regularly risked my own life to try to save others that it was a kind of right for me to have this selfish stance. MT was never having any of this.

This self indulgence was at its most prominent in the arena of relationships. At a very early stage in life, ie as a child, I realised I could coerce, dominate and control females very easily. I had a massive repertoire of techniques and once on a mission I was relentless in the pursuit of my goals.

Whilst it was all about Me Me Me, when it came to sex I tried hard to ensure I did a good job, not for their benefit but for my own kudos and fun. I was lucky, I did ok in this area. Combining my art with my dominant traits I was able to have lots of fun and literally use women sexually pretty much as I wanted. And, whilst I was with them, they were more than happy to oblige, less so once I had discarded them for the next model. Again, this is another element of my past I am not proud of, but I did have a bloody good time.

Thus one of the hardest aspects of becoming a slave was to give up my sexual dominance. I knew from the outset of meeting this 'slip of a girl' (MT) that there was no way I was going to use her as my plaything. When we met, I tried some usual tactics and found they were totally wasted on her, this intrigued me, it was new and in a strange way I kind of liked it. When we had our first physical experience, I was instantly left in no doubt whatsoever that I was never going to dominate her. To be more accurate, I knew that she was going to treat me like her bitch. I definitely underestimated the extent this would transpire to be. Never in a million years would I have guessed it would be possible for me to make this transition.

I suddenly realised what it was like to be on the receiving end of a very dominant, highly sexed, sadist (oh the karma of it all) but I was like a moth drawn to the flame. I got burnt, but still could not fly away. Even though nearly five years have elapsed since that fateful day I still can't believe I am who and what I am. Those halcyon days seem like someone elses life, not mine, yes there are some memories of past dominant glory, years where I reigned supreme and unchallenged...the rise and fall of Rome seem insignificant in comparison.

When ordered to sexually do this, that and the other and be used totally like a slut and plaything I sometimes feel bewildered that I am where I am doing whatever it is I am doing and that the person doing all these things to me is of the same species as the ones I used as my playthings all those years ago...MT must be a mutant, but she's a very beautiful one. And mean. Very very mean.

Brighton rocks

It was great going to Brighton and to have some uninterrupted time together. No-one to distract us, and of course no work. There are some people, who have in my opinion, the ridiculous view that if a person works they can not be in an O/p relationship.I see me working as being no different to any other form of service, it is me providing a service, it is as simple as that. It is also a very vital one as it is essential to our everyday lives at present as MT is not well all the time and thus not working as she normal likes to. MT does like a few treats as well, and we like to go out and do things like go to Brighton. While I am outside working in the wet and/ or cold while MT is at home in the warm it really does re-inforce the standing of me being her slave.

Brighton is so different from where we live, it is a bit like being on another planet. When I wear my collar in Brighton, there are a significant number of people who smile /smirk/ comment (usually positively) in recognition of what it means. They look at me, then at MT and you see their understanding. I do not usually like a lot of the protocol crap of BDSM/ M/s/ O/p etc but I have to say I really enjoy being easily recognisable as MT's property and the collar complete with shiny padlock means it is really hard to miss. Wearing a collar where we live is seldom seen as nothing more than some outsider with a strange sense of fashion, they are so socially behind the times. It is not so much they are 'not on the same page' it's a case of they are in a totally different book, and an old one at that...

There was some time in pubs, ok, there was quite a lot of time in pubs, but we only drank to excess on one night. MT is very fond of a fun, largely gay area called Kemptown which she knows very well having spent a lot of time running round there partying. So after our boozy night we spend quite a bit of time there in the evenings. Feeling fragile on the Saturday meant we at least saved some money on alcohol, but spent it instead on endless coffees to try and kick some life into us. It was not a good time for our diets, although we did show some restraint we both put on a few pounds.

The atmosphere around Brighton is so nice, it is so relaxed and accepting and non-judgemental. We both feel very comfortable there, if only we could afford to move there.



We had a stroll along the pebble beach, but decided not to skinny dip, it was far too cold.

We managed to have very good hotel sex, just the two of us, which was really nice. None of that silly humiliation stuff, so that was a relief. One can never let ones guard down when one is owned by MT, anything and everything is always possible. We went for a drink in a lesbian pub one night, it was really nice, even though a very strange woman decided to befriend us. She seemed fine at first, but when she hugged me and said 'you are so warm, I am going to suck the heat from you' I became cautious, when it happened for the third time and she started telling me how 'buff' I was, I realised caution was indeed necessary. She was very friendly, which was nice, friendly and a bit strange is ok. MT was able to have a little perv at some of the girls which was nice for her, but this time she did not decide to corrupt any of them, so they had a lucky escape.

Fortunately for me, because MT was not feeling her best I got off quite lightly over the weekend, not too much pain to take (though she did buy an evil tiny flogger) and very little in the way of humiliation. Result!

Today I went to the gym and MT had a little swim, and then this afternoon the usual bedroom service, tomorrow I can relax more as I will be at work most of the day. MT is clearly exhausted and still not herself so I am hoping she will get some rest tomorrow while I'm out. Sitting writing this with my neck collar on, cock collar on and butt plug fitted. Geez it's good to be home.

Back from Brighton

Just got back from Brighton. Had a great time with MT as usual. MT did very well especially as she was not feeling her best.Although it was cold, it was dry and bright which was good.

We are both tired from the weekend and from the drive, so it will be early to bed tonight, to sleep for a change.

It was a busy weekend, shopping, sex, drinking, sex, eating, some sex and then some more drinking and eating.

There were no 'extra' people involved, which was nice, just MT and I having some quality time together. MT looked great in her new skirt and her new dress and of course her new undies.

I did get some takeaway chicken, but I behaved, there were no chicken bone throwing incidents, see I can behave.

Unpacking, food and an early night are beckoning, so for a change it is a short blog, thank god I hear you say.

Something for the weekend Sir?

Last night was a 'Valentines Day' night of dreams of the past, I awoke feeling like I had just been told that today was my last day. Hot coffee and breakfast helped to revive me and then it was off to work.

The day has been a busy little one, an early start and a very busy days work, good for money but not so good for the aching back. Quick shopping trip, followed by food shop and then home to cook dinner, life in the fast lane. Not.

Tomorrow is a good day, MT and I are off to Brighton for a two night stop over. For the sake of those who know nothing about Brighton, it is city on the south coast of England which is very lively and is well known for its funky cosmopolitan atmosphere, possibly the closest we have in the UK to San Francisco. It's MT's favourite place in the UK and she used to go there for adventures a lot in the past. Unfortunately, weather wise it will probably be freezing. MT will be in her element with plenty of pretty girls to perv over, I may also perv if allowed. Hopefully MT will not try to get me a 'special friend' whilst we are away, our hotel stays can sometimes be a little crowded.

Due to my recently divulged 'chicken bone throwing' habits after a few drinks, I am to be put on a limit of four alcoholic drinks per night. I haven't asked how many I can drink during the day though...

As I do not drink very much anymore this should be still enough to enable me to have a good time without all the bad habits of excess alcohol. I really should have one of those T shirts with the slogan ' Instant arsehole, just add alcohol '. Unfortunately, this would be very apt, excess alcohol has caused some of my most spectacular errors of judgement. MT is the first woman I have met and had a serious relationship when I was not drunk at the time of meeting her.

It is nice to get away and spend some quality time together, so we are both looking forward to it. MT is trying to convey far better health than I know she is feeling, bless her. I hope she will be ok.

One of the things I like about going away is that you can be as silly as you want because you will not bump into the same people again. The other good thing about it is that MT can't beat me mercilessly at night time because of the noise in the hotel. I sometimes get a couple of whacks, usually on the morning when we are leaving. Of course there are other hurty little things she may do that do not make a noise, but they do make me a little vocal.

So as we are off for a long weekend of decadence (hopefully), no blogging until Sunday night when I will report any bad behaviour on the part of my owner - she can be so unruly, especially let loose in somewhere like Brighton.

St Valentines Day Massacre

I really dislike Valentines Day, no it's much much stronger than that, I fucking hate it. Each year I get stressed, pissed off and generally very morose and volatile as it approaches. The 14th February has been the most significant date in my year on a number of occasions, sometimes by choice I will admit, others due to others choices and some just random twists of fate.

So, here are my reasons for 'not liking it' :

• My first serious girlfriend was born on Valentines Day and we got engaged on Valentines Day (we didn't make it to the altar).
• My first wife and I separated on Valentines Day, very acrimoniously. She actually tried to kill me, on Valentines Day of course.
• My second wife to be and I got engaged on Valentines day.
• My second wife and I got married on Valentines Day.
• My first child was born on Valentines Day. 18 months later I found out she was not mine and I was utterly devastated. This nearly destroyed me.
• On the same day as she was born, my illicit girlfriend had a miscarriage at the same hospital. Obviously I am not proud of this part of my life.

It does not seem like a huge list in terms of number of 'incidents' but they were very significant, and every year as the date approaches my head starts to spin with thoughts and memories I really do not want to be there. I have always put my 'issues' in little boxes in my head, closed the lids, locked them and stored them away in the furthest corners of my mind. As the dreaded day approaches, they all seem to start appearing and opening up on their own. I rush from one to the other trying to shut, lock and store then away but it is always a lost cause and I get overwhelmed and chaos reigns terror in my head (and unfortunately for MT also often out of my head as well). After the date has passed, it is clean up time. This can take a while, eventually the boxes are all where they should be, but I always know they are there waiting in the shadows - there is always the next February. MT dreads February.

This year I decided, via this blog, to find them, open them and air them in advance, at the moment it is feeling ok. I am hoping this will help to make Valentines Day itself, the approach of it and it's departure a better place for me, my darling owner and the others around me.

Every year since I have been with MT this section of the year has been a very difficult time for us. However hard I have tried to avoid my mood becoming negative or destructive, I have failed to do this. I have also often kicked off at her, often quite spectacularly. None of this is MT's fault and she doesn't deserve to have a volatile slave making her miserable and on edge for this period every single year.

This year for the sake of my Owner, I am determined to not let it spoil our time together for the next few weeks this year.

This is a very self indulgent blog I know, but WTF, we all have our faults and demons, and I said I would be honest.

_______

On a brighter note, at lunchtime MT was still feeling poorly, so I was given the terrible task of giving her 'pain therapy' with the skinny cane. I love having a cane in my hand, it feels so natural.

I was hoping for a repeat tonight, but it was a case of Good News/ Bad News. The bad news is MT does not want any more 'therapy atm', Good News - she is feeling quite a bit better. Shit, best hide those canes quickly.

My owner, my bitch.

This is going to sound a little bit strange to some people thus I shall enjoy saying it even more, 'MT likes me to  bite and even occasionally spank her' . Yes it is true, my  darling sadistic uber dominant Owner allows her lucky slave to bite her all over her body and even on rare occasions deliver the odd sound spanking.

Unfortunately this revelation has absolutely nothing to do with MT having switched. It is quite simple really, when she is experiencing a lot of pain due to her rheumatoid arthritis (RA) there are times when she orders me to give her pain. Reluctantly I oblige (ok, so 'reluctantly' was a total load of bollocks). Saying this to an ex Dom with very sadistic tendencies without any limitations or restrictions would be totally stupid, as my owner is not stupid (unfortunately for me on this occasion) there are of course strict rules.

I am told what I can and cannot do and obviously have to stop when told to do so... I hate that fucking bit. It is a bit like showing a starving lion your whole body and then expecting it to just eat a toe and nothing else, it is pure torture, even when being bitten or receiving a spanking MT still is a frigging sadist.

MT's pain is sometimes very severe, so the theory she's trying out goes that if I give her pain the endorphins can help to override the RA pain and also 'bring her back to me' in her words. It makes her feel connected to me and more aware of my presence I think.

I have to admit, whilst I really hate seeing her in pain, the opportunity to spank that oh so cute sexy bottom is a treat amongst treats. Ah the good old days, the memories may be fading but a few good slaps on her arse and it all comes flooding back to me. No matter how long or how owned I feel, the dominant part of me will never die, which is good news, because I do like to give MT good service.

My only problem is restraint. I always throw myself fully into everything I do and this is pure torture. Once I am inflicting pain I get a real surge, the more it hurts the better and I never want to stop. I do however always worry that I might get too carried away because she is in pain from her RA and I would hate to really hurt her (ok, sort of).

It is a really special thing. It is service topping and I never forget, even in the ecstasy of giving pain, that I am her property. It's just her property sinking my teeth into her flesh or on those rare blissful moments giving her a very sound spanking and God, do I love it. She's experimented with using pain to effect a few times now and usually copes much better with extremely harsh pain than spanking etc. Spanking or what she calls 'girly pain' just pisses her off usually, but this time it's worked for her (and me).

The only down side to this is that sometimes, because I am very much a slave who responds to physically and psychologically feel like a slave at all times, I can miss the effects of the physical treatments that MT gives me. When she is unwell, her sadism although still present is far less active as she just can't move very much. Sometimes I know I am close to really needing to be physically kept in line but do not get it, I have to focus so much harder on meeting her needs without me flipping into fuck it all mode, which is very unpleasant, not at all acceptable and totally pisses off MT. I also regret it afterwards, and fortunately it is a much rarer occurrence lately, which is good.

At the moment I am enjoying the current phase of sinking my teeth into MT's body and slapping her bottom and thighs, but - purely because it's not there - I am starting to feel the need for a sound beating, humiliation and total degradation that my Owner normally supplies. MT, perhaps you could get well for a couple of hours then have a long relapse. Worth a try anyway ;)

My eyes may look blue, but they are actually green.

On an earlier blog Hawk asked the following ' What if she took a second slave that was a female? Would that be better?' 

Apologies first to Hawk for not responding directly. I had intended to answer it in the following blog but as usual other things cropped up. So I will try to explain how I feel about not being the only male MT may use for her pleasure.

An important aspect to cover is that I knew she was bisexual when I met her. I also knew, that her preference was usually strongly for females, and who can blame her. Very early on there was an understanding that while we would be heterosexually monogamous she would have female lovers/ submissives/ playmates if and when she wanted them. I of course would be monogamous full stop. I nearly just wrote, 'this was not a problem', then changed my mind because it's not that straightforward, in fact it is complicated.

As a red blooded male, of course I love to watch two women in sexual contact, I have spent a lifetime in the pursuit of sexual adventure and this has been a big turn on for me on many occasions. I used to regularly make my submissives perform for me in this and other ways and obviously enjoyed this. So in theory I was very ok about MT having female submissives and lovers, especially if she let me be present. Therefore I was very surprised the first time she had a sexual encounter with a female, I felt a pang, a feeling deep inside that I did not like. This was the woman who I love with all my heart, I wanted to be her only object of desire, I wanted to be her everything and I felt a bit hurt that I could not fulfill all of her needs. As is usual with me, I have an initial reaction to something (usually mad outburst of rage but not on this occasion), spend ages mulling it over in my tiny little mind and then come to a conclusion.

My conclusions were easy, I knew the score right from the start, there had been total transparency about her sexuality and her intentions. I had accepted the terms and therefore I had no right to bitch about it.  She loves the female form and all the feminine elements that make a woman. It was this that made acceptance easier, this was something I could not give her because I was male, this made me feel much better, it was like it was outside of my span of capability, therefore I could accept it.

The heterosexual monogamy issue was in our early written slave contract, along with some other agreements, but I actually offered all removal of the restrictions as a gift to MT as a sign of my trust and commitment to her very soon after we signed the thing, so it fast became redundant and there became no limits or restrictions whatsoever.

The whole lesson of her taking pleasure from other males came about due to my stupidity of trying to control/ manipulate her, it might never have occurred otherwise (trying to control MT is an idiotic move for anyone, let alone her slave). It was her way of putting me in my place and of course it was very effective. I find the prospect of another male slave/ submissive/ whatever so very different from her having a female. As her man, partner, lover and slave combined, I want to be the only male she ever wants or needs (I have a very different mental attitude regarding MT having a male slave as opposed to a male sub or any other male as well, and I'll wade my way through that in another blog post). I suppose in my head I feel I really should be the only male she ever wants in any way. Her wanting females is something I just physically cannot compete with. Being a man is what I am, therefore if I am not the only man in her life it does make me feel sort of inadequate ie not enough for her, it may sound silly, but it is actually how I feel.

Some people might think it is because I am insecure and worry that she might ditch me for another man, but strangely perhaps, this is not a concern. MT likes women far more than men, there would objectively be much more chance of her ditching me for a female. I am also secure in the fact she loves me. I have spent most of my life being a hypocrite when it comes to relationships and sex with others, ie it was ok for me to do it but not them. As her slave I have no rights, I accept that.

My purpose is to serve her and make her happy and that is what I am committed to doing. I sometimes have to do or accept things I do not want or like, it goes with the territory. I realised many years ago that I have huge flaws as a person as well as my positive attributes and whilst I can try to be better with some things I just may never actually be able to do so on some things. I do not have to like MT having another male slave or her using other males for her pleasure , but I do have to accept it if and when she does and not allow my feelings to interfere with her happiness. If they just all happen to disappear it won't be my fault ;)

The Show Must Go On.

I have not enjoyed today very much, I'm still not feeling well and MT is feeling poorly, her joints are really hurting, I hate seeing her in pain.

I do not get three days off in a row very often and it is more than just a little annoying that neither of us are feeling very well. But of course, early this morning MT woke me up to provide my bedroom services . It really was a case of give and take this morning, as usual, there was more of me taking than giving.

I was then allowed to go back to sleep, hurrah, see MT is kind and considerate. At about 12-00 MT woke me up and told me it was time to make her breakfast, life back to normal then. So I got up and made her poached eggs and veggie sausages, MT does like her sausage.

We had planned to go to the beach today but due to feeling crap we stayed indoors. MT is making me watch Moulin Rouge this afternoon, as apparently it is 'comforting' and 'Sunday-ish'. It's just so camp, if only I could watch a good old fashioned action/adventure film. Moulin Rouge I ask you! (invisible slave ink - actually I like it now. I've been brainwashed).

Next weekend we are going to Brighton for the weekend, we both really like it there. It is so much livelier and more inclusive than where we live. MT is taking me there for my birthday present which is really nice. We can do the romantic things and have some us time. Whenever we go away though our life carries on as normal and so I am expecting the usual amount of use as I usually get, sometimes I actually get more.

It will also be nice to have a couple of nights out in a lively place in more liberal surroundings. MT will be able to perv over the pretty girls and boys, if allowed I might perv over the girls... and of course my beautiful owner. Creep creep.

Boy story

All relationships are different, because the people involved are individuals and interactions with other people may bring about different things with different people.

Being male and owned by a female is not as common as being female and being owned by a male, unless it is one of the world's best kept secrets.

Being me and being owned by MT is probably different to other female led O/p relationships. I do not think there is very much about me that is 'typical' and there definitely isn't anything typical about MT.

I thought it might be interesting to write about what might be some of the main differences between myself being owned by MT, and a female being owned by a male. In order to make some comparisons I will unfortunately have to make some generalisations, of course these may be way off beam as to the reality of some peoples relationships. I apologise in advance, but for the sake of identifying potential differences it is necessary.

I would also like to clearly state, I am trying to identify differences from my perspective. I am certain there are a myriad of things that female slaves endure that I do not have to because I am male. It is the differences I am interested in, not the degree of difficulty (invisible slave ink) the tyrants all make us suffer.

1.  A good female slave is generally considered a desirable asset and someone who is admired for her devotion, a male slave is generally considered to be a downtrodden, pathetic, useless apology of the male species.

2. My childhood started in the mid fifties, I was a child of a very traditional marriage of that time. Women stayed at home to bring up the children and do all the housewife chores and the men went to work. Women did predominantly what the men told them to. This was my upbringing, and to be honest was how I lived my life pre-MT, so to sudden find myself as a slave to a hyper dominant female goes totally against my life before. Also, we were very much taught to respect our elders, and I am 17 years senior in age to MT, yet another sting.

3. As a generalisation, I believe some male owners may hold back physically a little (or in some cases a lot) because their slave is female and not as strong as them physically. There may also be some inherent self control based on protocol ie you don't beat women,. Being male, there is probably a bit more of a 'he can take it, he's a man after all' and men are used to fighting etc so must be able to handle it. Fortunately, MT does hold back to a degree too (though you would not believe it until you have seen her in real life action), but I have to take an awful lot of pain. She is extremely sadistic.

4. Some male slaves may not get used physically in the same way as others. If a male owner decides to fuck his slave she takes what he gives her in terms of size and his ability to perform, repeat performances may be limited to some extent due to the need to gain/ maintain an erection. When in that mood, MT can choose what size appendage to use on me with her strap on, this means life can be excruciating. Additionally, the duration is not dependent upon physical ability to gain or maintain an erection, the fucking things never go down, not even after the 30th orgasm. And that's just one weapon in her huge arsenal of sexual depravity. Is it wrong to call your owner a depraved nympho?

5. I go to work, just like a traditional male, but I am not allowed to spend the money how I want, I do not have control and have to ask to spend money. This is very antithetical to my former life or upbringing, where women were handed out spending money and men maintained great control.

6. There seem to be some female slaves (not all I know, don't kill me) who may be expected to excel in one or more areas. As a male slave I am expected to excel in what feels like just about every area. I have to provide good money, drive everywhere, pay the bills, keep the books, provide protection when necessary, clean and maintain the house, garden and car, decorate, carry out endless repairs and household improvements, be her personal slut in the bedroom well actually anywhere, cook, provide personal services, act as her PA for whatever project she's on at any moment (and the scope of her projects can be huge).... basically if your bloke does it I do it, and if your wife does it I do it. No wonder I'm always tired.

7. Submission in kinky-public; if you are a girl and are made to carry out a submissive act or sex act with another female virtually everyone around will find this totally acceptable as well as erotic. If you are male and have to do the same thing, the reaction can be very different. I've had men kicking off at me in all sorts of positions, usually while caged (thus proving they are 'real men'). The issues can greatly increase if it's the dreaded forced bi. Whilst many women enjoy it and find it more than acceptable, and there are always lots of guys who clearly get off on it, there is a percentage of males who get pissy to greater or lesser degrees. There is also the very real risk of verbal abuse and/ or physical assault, well if they are really fucking stupid there is. MT usually deals with this in no uncertain terms before it gets to me but suffice to say there probably aren't many men who have to leap up from sucking cock, have a ruck, then get back on with the business in hand.

8. Decision making is another area where I find I am at odds with my upbringing. Not being able to make decisions without consultation and approval is against my nature. I am very much an autocrat and was extremely successful at it...until MT.

9. Physical appearance is another issue. Females are very used to making themselves look nice, presentable, sexy and beautiful etc. My generation of man was brought up to look like a man and act like a man. Hence, being ordered to shave my head, chest, cock, balls etc is very not male in my book. Add to this, eyebrow plucking and nasal and ear hair removal, plus the very  occasional wearing of black nail varnish, mascara, eye liner, and fucking glitter when we are going out to some event, its just too much.

10. Sexual performance is another difference, if I am required to provide penetrative sex I have to physically rise to the occasion, no laying back and think of England for me. While usually obviously great, sometimes this is difficult as I may feel tired, not in the mood etc.

The list contains the main areas of differences from my perspective, hopefully reading blogs from the female slaves will give a better insight into the lives of female slaves and how that varies from my own experiences.

Cati, I'm sorry baby.

Last night I ate some reduce priced plaice from the supermarket which drastically upset my stomach, this continued through the night and for most of today. So I am not feeling quite my best. Now, I am assuming it was the plaice and not some dastardly deed by my owner in recompense for my attempted 'slave union rebellion'. She would not do that, would she??? Hmmm she probably would actually, but I think not on this occasion. Why? Because she would have taken great delight in telling me it was her.

Being a devout slave to my owner, like any good martyr, I soldiered on and went to work to earn 'coin'. Never has a days work been so gladly completed as it was today. So I am very glad to be home and no work for three days, well, apart from providing service for She Who Must Be Obeyed. (Written in invisible slave ink) You know, the bossy bitch.

I like to consider myself reasonably brave (as well as stupid). After my failed rebellion, predominantly due to the appalling, low down, insensitive threats to Cati, I decided to push my bravery to the outer limits.  Now as many will know, this is Cati 2, Cati 1 was cruelly sold by you know who . Being allowed to have Cati 2 was extremely lucky (and she made me wait over a year), so I was pushing this further recently by asking for some spare parts. Again I was fortunate, I was permitted to buy a brand new fairing panel from the proceeds of my Xmas tips. So today, after the failed 'coup', I asked MT if I could bid on Ebay for yet another fairing panel.....see my bravery has no limits.

If I said 'MT was not happy', or 'MT appeared to be slightly miffed' or 'MT gave me That Look', or 'MT politely said no', you would probably be quite suprised. You all know how reasonable she can be, how gentle and mild, how sweet and forgiving... Yep you guessed it she looked really pissed off with me.

PS This morning, despite being close to death (just love being melodramatic, well I am a man) I tried to provide my manly services to MT as demanded (being ever efficient she had set her alarm extra early). All did not go as well as usual, so on my return home, despite still feeling close to death I made brave and vigorous amends for this morning. One happy owner and one very happy me, and it may mean I am allowed to get to sleep before 1-00 am. Ok that bit is stupidly optimistic.

(Is it my fault I clearly have Thracian blood in my veins? Perhaps that's why she seems to like the damned stuff so much)

Oh look a bus....

Well today has been quite a busy one. Before I relate this however, I feel compelled to mention two people who helped to ' form' my day. First mention goes to Junebug who so very kindly started the thread on FL's O/p group about the slave rebellion. Now I admit, I did start this with my blog entry, however, the escalation to O/p gained significant attention. At first I was warmed by my comrades healthy responses, but then their resolve seemed to weaken....

The risk of Owner reprisals and the blatant attempt at bribery by my owner to furnish them with fancy shoes took it's toll. Solidarity and unity became a sea of drowning slaves and one by one they rushed for the sanctuary of the shore, lifeboats and of course the 'shoes'. I fought bravely, the Ducati, my dear beloved Cati became the vital pawn in the revolt and her life was so sorely threatened by my Owner. Our future together was so cruelly threatened, the dreaded mention of selling her almost stopped my heart (I am still recovering from the barbaric selling of Cati Mark 1, a scar that I fear will never heal). I fear the cause was lost, we are destined to stay in this life of slavery, a life of service, pain and humiliation, the owners have yet again won a grand victory.

The second person I would like to thank is the marvellous Kaya. Thank you so very much, not from the bottom of my heart, but from the very bottom of my bottom. Kaya kindly asked MT if she thought it was a coincidence that the one day she did not have sex with me that she had put on a pound in weight. My darling owner may have been swayed by this comment as rigorous exercise was duly performed on/ with this poor slave when I arrived home for my lunch break. After said very vigorous, (aka brutal), 'exercise', I was allowed some food before being sent out to work again.

Work was shit today, arms deep in a fish pond that had not been cleaned or cleared for about ten years, it smelled so disgusting and I was covered in sludge, yuk. I had to come home, change and shower before trotting off to the next job.

MT has said she feels tired tonight, so there's a small chance I may get some rest tonight. She has had a busy day, overthrowing a slave revolt, going for a trot in the forest, seeing to me, then going swimming before finally resting with her laptop. Life as an owner, eh? It must be exhausting.

Slave shock.

NEWS FLASH!

Last night MT did NOT get me to bonk her, nor was I bonked. Neither did I have to give any other sexual service. 

This morning, the same - nothing.

My world has fallen apart, she no longer wants me, I am an obsolete slave - perhaps she will sell me, alas alas whatever shall I do? I will tell you what I will do, I will use the time to rest and recover, because this will be the calm before the storm. An MT who has not had sex is like a vicious lion starved of food for weeks. She will hunt me down, there will be no hiding place. She smiles at me sweetly from across the room, she can't fool me with that old trick, Oh no, as soon as my guard is down she will pounce and go for the kill, probably a slow painful one. MT has many lion like qualities actually, she looks very lion like. I have seen them in Africa, watched them eyeing their victims from afar, before they make their slow stealthy approach before the chase. I shall have to be doubly careful as bedtime approaches, Oh yes, the lion is looking hungry.


Last night she fell asleep in my arms which was really nice. I do find it safer to hold her very tightly, that way she can't inflict as much pain on me, see I am not totally silly  (though she even bites me in her sleep, drawing blood occasionally which is so 'sweet'. Not).

I missed the dictator today, I mean, I missed my owner today. As the lowly slave toiled in the local fields (gardens actually but fields sounded more dramatic and slavelike) my darling Owner swanned off for a shopping trip, then drinks and lunch with a friend. It must be tough being an owner.... I dimly recall.

Slave pruning

Last night I was allowed to go to sleep once the bedroom activities were complete, this was about 1:40 am, at about 7-30 am I was awoken by MT. I escaped to work, but on my brief return at 10-15 am when I was hoping for a pleasant rest, I was put to very rough use again and I also got a bloody caning on my still bruised butt, Grrrr.

Whilst at the sanctuary, I mean whilst at work this afternoon, I was merrily pruning some hydrangeas. I was rather belatedly cutting off last years dead blooms and cutting out the dead wood. Some of this was quite thick and particularly dense at the base (my first thoughts of a similarity with myself). If left in place, this dead wood would inhibit this years growth. It was at this precise moment that I also realised I was very much like the hydrangea in regards to it's need for pruning. Of course, you do not have to prune them, they will still grow year after year but they will perhaps never be quite as good as they could have been if they had been pruned.They will grow unchecked and unruly and perhaps even become unsuitable for their environment. Eventually, if left unattended and uncared for they may even perish prematurely.

Like the hydrangeas old wood, I have held old values, beliefs, and inbred and inbuilt facets of my personality and behaviour that had accumulated over the years. My base, ie my core self, had been cluttered and littered with the past and my indoctrinated beliefs.It was due to 'lack of pruning' that my submission had initially failed to grow and flourish as quickly as it might have done.

It was then that I recognised that of course MT had been systematically pruning and nurturing me ever since I had met her. She has methodically removed unwanted branches (parts of my behaviour and attitude etc) either entirely, or trimmed (modified) them during the course of our relationship. I have been pruned, trimmed, shaped and nurtured, as though MT is my gardener. It may not sound very glamourous but in practical terms it fits.

I am sure MT will find this quite humourous, MT and gardening used in the same sentence, it beggars belief.

But of course, I am not a hydrangea or any other type of shrub, I am a human being. Another 'light bulb' moment occurred and I thought about the fact that a shrub is not able to prune itself, someone either prunes it or doesn't get pruned. I on the other hand, being a sentient human being, am capable of assisting my owner in the pruning process and of growing into what she wants me to become. I believe I have made good progress recently, but I realise I have a responsibility to do my utmost to change/ grow by applying more effort to being what MT wants me to be, rather than the past where I was left un-tended.

It's a good job I wasn't spreading fertilizer today otherwise the analogy might have turned out somewhat differently, and probably a messy and not such sweet smelling ending.

My Owners knickers

The day started pretty much as usual, MT demanding her owner's rights, what must a slave do to get some rest ? Perhaps a second male slave is not a bad idea after all. Ok that would definately not be good but the thought of some rest is at times appealing. Mind you, I would probably end up having to serve both of them knowing her.

Fortunately, some duties are more pleasurable than others and at least this morning I was on the giving end and not the receiving one. This was really fortunate as I am not yet fully healed.

MT is still tender, slave smirks cheekily and passes  MT a little glance and chuckles to himself, of course she has not read this yet. Apparently, her swimming today was a little stingy, such a shame, I feel so much sympathy NOT. See I am a 'real man' after all, well when MT lets me anyway ;)

I really don't see why slaves can't have a day off, most workers get two days off a week, so why not slaves? I must form a Union. What about holidays as well? And some wages, plus of course health benefits as well. I must broach this with MT I am sure she will understand.....

We did the boring food shop, then I went to the gym while MT went swimming, then off to do some retail therapy. MT wanted a swim suit, which we duly purchased and she looks great in it, very nice and clingy in all the right places. Sorry, am I not supposed to perv over my owner? I am such a bad bad slave.

Then there was the purchasing of lingerie, some for everyday use and then the more difficult purchase of some lingerie she informed me were purely for the purpose of wearing to taunt me when engaging with others. This brought very mixed feelings to say the least.




She chose an exceptionally sexy pair of panties, which of course I had to 'pay for'. That's part of the humiliation, having to pay for something that will be used to taunt and hurt you. It has such a nice touch, as an ex Dom, I truly respect her expertise in the art of domination and all other associated aspects of TPE. Trust me to be stupid enough to be owned by such an intelligent, perceptive, sadistic, inventive, tormenting woman as MT.

MT has apparently decided that 2011 is to be in her words 'a busy and directional year'.  WTF does that mean? Well, it seems I am going to be 'well motivated' - yet another WTF does that mean? So, the slave is not really any the wiser, however, there are enough brain cells left in my tiny little head to know that this does not bode well, not well at all. The last four and a half years have been 'busy and directional' and there is now another one of her epedemics of 'motivation', so the signs are not good. But, it will no doubt be fun finding out.

I am enjoying writing the blogs, it helps me come to terms with things, by causing me to think about and then write about them. Such a good prezzie from MT for Xmas AND of course, yet another avenue to provide an international stage for my humiliation. See? I told you she was good.

Easy like Sunday morning...well, easier.

Today has been quite a low key relaxing/ pleasant one, apart from this mornings excess rogering which I received upon MT awakening. The woman really is insatiable. I sometimes wonder if part of the criteria for being an owner is a constant desire for excess in everything. Owners can be so demanding - do this do that, be this be that, it just goes on and on, I mean, what do they think we are, bloody slaves?

I feel a huge sense of relief that Friday nights events were successfully completed and that the 'thing' I had been dreading did not cause me the distress I had been so concerned about. Since then, I have felt even closer to MT and more at ease, in a strange sort of way I feel more of a slave than I did before. Acceptance of my true position I suppose has often felt a little abstract, having to face some of the least desirable realities and deal with them has perhaps reinforced my position. Learning to put aside my own wants, needs, likes, dislikes in favour of trying to focus entirely on pleasing my owner holistically 24/7 has perhaps historically been a barrier to me meeting her expectations.

I now feel I have crossed this barrier and will be able to serve her better in the future. I am of course a realist, no doubt there will be some backward steps, but I shall do my best to make amends if this happens and then leap forward to make up for any loss.

I feel a sense of great amusement that MT is feeling a little physical discomfort from our last few days marathon of antics, ha ha. Unfortunately, my own discomforts are far in excess of hers and will no doubt be kept uncomfortable. I really need all over body protection, perhaps I could seek advice from the SAS.

There is a saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me' , my version of this is ' sticks and stones may break my bones but MT will really hurt me '.

MT and I really are a strange mix, a sadist owned by a sadist, an older man owned by a younger woman, a left winger owning a right winger, an avid carnivore owned by a vegetarian, the list is almost endless. Fuck knows why and how it works, but it does.

Hard To Swallow

Just couldn't resist the title. If you are going down you may as well go down properly.....

Sometimes I think I have been pushed as far as I can be, and then MT always pushes me even further. In the last couple of months I feel I have become more of a slave than I had been previously. I sort of feel like sometimes within my slavery I have been in complete darkness, then there have been moments of faint light and shadows, as time has passed there have been flashes of light, then either darkness or dim light.... The patches of darkness have become less common, and I have felt more 'illuminated'. Recently, mainly due to MT informing me she may choose to take sexual pleasure in other men, I suddenly realised I was truly owned. Last night it was like all the lights had come on at once, I realise now that I have moved into another level of my slavery.

At the bi swingers/ BDSM club I was filled with the usual trepidation. There was a varied mix of people, as usual more single males than couples, and that is always a very bad sign for me. During the course of the next 5 hours I underwent so many different experiences, feelings and emotions I can barely recount them all. I was made to separately suck four different men's cocks. I think it is important to clarify that I am most definitely not bisexually orientated, and under no circumstances would I ever do any bisexual acts at my own volition. Watching me perform acts so deeply contrary to my base orientation is something which gives MT a sadistic control kick which she loves. It also reinforces how owned I am in no uncertain terms, and that I no longer have any freedom of my own will. Of the four men, three of them were each seen separately in a private room with MT, and the other one in a public area. One of them spunked down my throat, which was particularly 'distasteful', not to mention extremely humiliating, and quite surprising as he just did it without any prior warning. Honestly some people's manners are appalling.

In the private room two of the men were allowed by MT to caress her and give her numerous orgasms with their fingers, and mouth on her ass, whilst I was forced to watch at the same time as sucking their cocks. I was given the almighty humiliation of her telling me to pull down her sexy panties onto her thighs so that they could could fondle her ass. Both of the guys had objectively fit bodies, but even I could tell that one of them was very good looking and had a very toned and muscled body and it was very clear MT found him very attractive, which made me feel even worse. Afterwards I was forced to thank them 'for pleasuring my woman'. I thought I was actually going to choke on the words even more than I choked on the cock of the guy MT liked (because of course the one she found hot had to have a fucking huge cock the bastard), but managed to utter them - probably not very convincingly though.

My next trial was being bent over a bench in a public area and being given a very harsh caning in front of a group of men. The caning was very painful and as usual I hollered and howled, just a tad embarrassing. One of the guys fondled my cheeks and poked his finger into my ass. My cheeks and thighs were very sore and bruised and still are.

Seeing MT use other men to humiliate me and for her sexual pleasure was the 'big thing' I had been dreading. When she first informed me of the possibility several months ago I felt devastated. I was jealous, I wanted to be the only male and hated the thought of it, I was also scared that it would ruin our relationship, even to the point of wondering if I could still love her. I know this probably sounds very illogical, selfish, childish and a myriad of other things, but quite frankly, the thought was driving me nuts. My base nature is that of an extremely jealous, possessive man. I realize that this may be seen by some as a flaw in a personality however, it has been a key part of who I am and how I have lived my life. This area is one that I've never compromised on before in any relationship. It additionally strikes very heavily at some of my baggage, where infidelity basically brought about the demise of my two marriages. I think this speaks volumes for my relationship with MT. I love her more than I loved any other women and pleasing her is more important that pleasing myself, albeit by pleasing her I've realized that it actually does please me. My being owned means much more to me than any marriage, and evidently more than my key driver of possessiveness and jealousy. It seems life really isn't about Me-Me-Me anymore.

We spoke about it, I read about it, I kept convincing myself I was a slave and this was part of it etc etc and little by little the realisation grew that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It was her right and it was my duty to be a good slave regardless of how it made me feel. Much easier said than done, but then aren't most things?



I was relieved I did not feel broken and damaged (this is a shining testament to the work she's systematically done over the years). I then realised not only did I feel even more love for her but the feeling I had never  felt as owned as I did then. I felt a sort of calmness, I had survived it, I had enjoyed seeing her taking her pleasure in my humiliation, and in the physical stimulation she had received and I felt privileged that I had been allowed to share this with her.

The drive home, one and a half hours, was quite tiring and painful due to my beaten rump. We only briefly discussed the events as I was driving and MT was sleepy. When we got home we fucked like rabbits and have spent the whole day reliving the night and fucking each others brains out. I have absolutely no regrets about MT teaching me my place, I needed this and she knew it. She ALWAYS knows what is right for me, her and us. It has been a very important part of my development, I feel very loved, so very enslaved and very happy and very relieved that I have crossed a line which I really thought was going to be insurmountable.

PS I would like to say a very special thank you to my fellow slaves who have posted their comments wishing to know the details of my demise, your solidarity is touching. You are true sadists, I applaud you as I throw you all under the bus.

Once more into the breach dear friends

It is 19:32 and I have just carried out the physical preparations for my night out with MT. I have been thinking about it all day while I was working. It is hard to focus sometimes on the accepted 'normal' parts of a day when you have specific 'normal' slave use ahead of you.

All the hair removal has been done, it takes ages, MT will no doubt do her usual inspection before we go out so I hope it is all in order. Freshly showered,  and manicured, I really do feel like property, a piece of meat to be paraded around and used for someone else's pleasure, amusement, or both. Of course it is not about me, I have to keep reminding myself of this simple slave fact almost every day. Everything is for MT, it is so hard sometimes to action this rather than just have it as an ethos.

Soon I will have to go and get the silver box ready, the silver box is our 'take out' box of toys, the rest of the stock is kept separate. MT has told me the main components to pack, my heart always sinks when this includes the strap on, although I was relieved to note the lube was also required, see there are some positives. Njoy is having a night out too, how sweet it will be to publicly show it off, I just can't wait. Groan.

There are also to be canes, crops and the dreaded Tyburn, that really must disappear soon, maybe it might get stolen or accidentally left behind.The spiked glans ring is to be included - this is one nasty piece of work, adjustable spikes which go around the internal circumference, painful normally but one does not wish to become aroused, although in all honesty there is not much chance of that.

I hate the one and a half hour drive, every mile is a mile closer to my downfall, the drive back is not much better as MT taunts me with my acts and I also am usually very uncomfortable after severe canings etc.

On the plus side, MT looks absolutely stunning, she looks really hot and sexy, unfortunately everyone else will also think so and the 'green eyed monster' will have to hold in check. As usual, I am under strict instructions to be on my best behaviour, even to creepy wankers who try to get into my Owners knickers, don't I just love 'em.

I always feel proud to go anywhere with her, she looks so beautiful and exudes a raw sexiness, I am lucky to be her property, well, apart from the sadistic bit.

Tomorrows blog should be fun. Not.

A bit about me.

I thought it might be an idea to write a little bit about me and my history, just to give some idea as to my background. Obviously, even giving little snap shots, a lot has happened in my 54 years on this little planet. I will divide it into little parts and post now and again along with my other rubbish, I mean thoughts.

Part One - Childhood;

Apparently I was a 'blue baby' , ( I knew I was different) the cord was around my neck or was it my parents hands. This lack of oxygen at such an important time probably accounts for many things in my life, see its not my fault I am a little crazy.

My father worked long hours, 6 or 7 days a week usually. Although hardworking he had a very violent temper, I inherited the temper but not the violence. My Mother, God rest her soul, was very warm and loving and was extremely protective of me and my two younger brothers. Unfortunately, she was no match for my Father and was unable to stop my beatings. There was a pattern, Dad would come home tired from work, Mum would wind him up about something and then keep going on about it. He would then fly into a rage and I would end up being the target. Some times I did deserve some admonishment, but not the type I used to get.

I hated school with a passion, I would often feign illness and would go to extreme lengths to be/ look too ill. This worked reasonably well, it does with an overprotective Mother. Days when my acting was unsuccessful would result in me trying to bunk off school as soon as the register was completed. Letters to my parents were not delivered by me and those sent to the house were usually intercepted. Unfortunately, although I would dispose of most of the letters for parents evening, some got through, this was bad news.

At 13 my Dad asked me to leave with him to start a new life with another woman. I declined, there was massive turmoil and Mum went nuts. Dad ended up not leaving, to be honest I was disappointed, I had been looking forward to being head of the house and of course for the beatings to stop. I went to a very rough school, I was one of just a handful of children whose parents owned their own house. I was also one of the same few who actually wore school uniform, this was as good as writing 'please hit me and take my dinner money' and of course they did, day after day after day.

The summer of 1969 was to be a big time in my life and from then on nothing was ever quite the same. Dear Daddy tried to punch me in the kitchen and I caught his hand and bent it up behing his back and told him he would never hit me again. I was gobsmacked, he glared, I glared more, he struggled, I kept him in place. Suddenly, I saw his look change, he no longer looked so big and so intimidating, he stopped struggling and I let him go. He never raised his hand to me again, if only I had known before how simple it would be.

This event gave me confidence, I was tired of being bullied and pushed around and decided things must change. During the Summer break, I came across some of the school bullies who pulled their usual stunts. I just let go of all that pent up fear, years of being scared suddenly disolved and my wrath was unleashed...it felt so good and at last I was free. On return to school my reputation was ten times higher than the actual events, no more bullying, I kept my dinner money and life felt good. To be continued...

Meanwhile, in present day England, I am feeling totally shattered, following a very busy day at work, and a spat with MT which I am really sorry about. All is well now, so that's good.Work is getting very busy and I am running out of time to fit all the customers in, I'm not going to be getting many days off I fear.

On Friday night MT is taking me to a Bi Swingers/ BDSM night at a venue near London. We have been several times, on each occasions unspeakable things have occurred to the poor slave. So, I am feeling the usual fear and trepidation, I know it will be a night of hard physical use and humiliation and on Saturday I will spend the day recovering, physically and psychologically.

At least MT should enjoy it.

Owners and dark places.

My day started early, before I had both eyes fully open MT was jumping my bones, well just the one actually. I was still pretty exhausted from last nights performances. I am really sleep deprived at present. Lately MT has been on one of her recurrent missions of cramming in as much sex as possible, and I rarely know if I am coming or going (or gone).

I feel so used. Anyone would think I am some kind of sex toy ;) Ok, is that why she sometimes refers to me as her dildo? I get it now. At least this current run of activity is with me on the 'giving' rather than 'receiving' end of things, so sitting is much more comfortable than sometimes. This is massively preferable.

I am so tired though, especially now I am back at work. My whole life seems to be about being stuffed into dark places and finding it difficult to breathe. After MT this morning, I had to work in a dark and very hot loft. The MT bit was of course enjoyable, the loft wasn't. That bloody fibreglass gets everywhere.

Lunchtime was busy, I had extra time which meant extra time for sexual service, so after work again this afternoon I am already feeling totally shagged. It is now 17:10 hrs, the night is young, but so is MT.... I fear the night ahead - dramatic sigh.

MT is looking very radiant and sexy. She has a certain look when she is like this. I can see it in her eyes, the hope of a long sleep is ebbing fast . If I said I had a headache she will just slap me and tell me not to be such a snivelling cunt, or at a push provide painkillers - she is caring and romantic like that.

What a lucky slave I am.

Humiliated me.

There are a myriad of types of things an Owner can do to their property. The impact of them on their property can be anywhere on a range from zero effect to total devastation. Of course all relationships vary, each one is unique. However there are also likely to be some generic similarities. Physical and psychological techniques are often deployed to greater or lesser degrees.

Pain is a great 'motivator' to many people, it can be used to make someone do something, stop them from doing something or purely for fun. MT uses it for all three reasons. It is effective, especially as I hate pain. (As an aside, I do not get any direct sexual pleasure from pain - ok, apart from some CBT -  but all other pain has a tendency to totally remove my sexual desire). I can endure a lot of pain however, probably in part due to my huge internal driver of never liking to be beaten by anything, not even my beloved owner.

Unfortunately for me, MT is a sadist and also likes to win. I therefore always end up having to accede (sometimes an early capitulation is wise to avoid unnecessary suffering - why take all that pain when you know from the start that you will eventually give in)? See? I'm learning....

Restrictions and removal of priveleges can also be very effective. The threat of no motorbike rides, TV, the threat of having to sell another motorbike (panic and sudden sick feeling just at the thought of it), ban of orgasms, being made to do tasks etc all have their use.The lure of treats and priveleges (bribery) works for some, but this is not used much by MT - unfortunately for me.

In my case, however, the method that brings me to heel and has the biggest impact is humiliation.

The wikipedia uses the following definition (edited)

'Humiliation (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It can be brought about through bullying, intimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery, or by embarrassment if a person is revealed to have committed a socially or legally unacceptable act.'

The threat of certain humiliating acts is often enough to keep me in line if I'm being a wanker. Being actively humiliated by MT brings me down instantly and leaves me in a state of full compliance and total submission.Before meeting MT I had never really experienced humiliation, it was usually me dishing it out to other people. In all honesty, I had know idea of the impact of humiliation on people, which sounds a bit irresponsible I suppose, but then if I had known, well, I probably would have exploited it even further. Did I mention my sadistic side.

On our first ever physical action session, MT introduced me to humiliation in no uncertain terms, nothing like breaking someone in gently, though actually there was no breaking in gently. I was totally gobsmacked that this sweet looking slip of a girl (she's seventeen years younger than I am) had just done what she had to me without any pretence or effort or even considering she couldn't, and it has been all downhill for me from that point on.

One of the other significant moments was when I was first ordered to crawl across a room at a BDSM event. I had never crawled before, let alone publicly, and I found myself gasping for air as I hyperventilated and then experienced one of the biggest legal highs I have ever had. I think even MT was suprised by the impact, silly me for showing it.

Humiliation features quite heavily in our lives, it is something I (now) crave and yet detest all at the same time. A good beating can easily remind me of my place and calms me down when I am getting a bit 'tricky', but a heavy session of humiliation really knocks me down and keeps me down for ages. When I feel things are getting a bit on top of me I sometimes actually tell MT I could do with some humiliation, how sick is that? Being humiliated in front of others is the biggest knockdown, there have been so many times when I wish I could have just vanished into thin air. Being made to talk and stay around people who I have been humiliated in front of or with, is so hard, almost as hard as the acts themselves.

The other important element of the effectiveness of humiliation on me is the continual reminders I get from MT. MT will taunt me with what I did, how I looked and often uses derogatory terms for me, even worse than her pet names as if that should be possible ;) Being told things such as , 'you are a disgrace' , don't you dare try to kiss me' , 'how can you possibly takes your eyes up from looking at the floor' etc are typical, but others are far more descriptive and insulting. I'll leave them to your imagination though - what do you think I am, some kind of masochist?

I hate humiliation, yet now I crave it more than most other things. Given my history this is quite the feat on her part. I'd only ever let her humiliate me. I often wonder why it has this effect on me, I can hazard some guesses but there is nothing that I can actually pinpoint as being the primary reason. It is so strange as I used to use it so much on others,  it's a good job that those I humiliated can not see me being humiliated...that would be tooooooo much.


********

Changing the subject completely, I feel quite sad tonight, one of my elderly customers has a wife with severe Alzheimers, he has been looking after her at home for many years. He is in his nineties, they have been married for 66 years. He is a fantastic guy who suffers from ill health as well but seldom complains. He was so sad today, he looked like a man who has just had enough of life. I asked him if he was ok, he said 'no not really, my wife has got to go into a home, I can't cope with her violence anymore, I just can't do it anymore, 66 years of being with her just shouldn't end like this, it's just not right'. I said all the usual things you say, but of course they are useless. Yet another reminder of how lucky I am to have the life I have. But it makes me worry sometimes, none of us ever know what lies in wait for us in the future.

Bodies.

Today started way too early. I awoke to the sound of the telephone. At first I thought I was dreaming but unfortunately I wasn't. It was the emergency Care Company that one of the elderly ladies I work for subscribes to. Apparently, her emergency buzzer had been operated but they could get no response from her. She has a pacemaker, has had two serious strokes and has a history of falling over and breaking her limbs.

I was quite stressed, because we have a very close relationship, and I feared the worse. So i did not waste any time on the drive to her house. I let myself in with the emergency key and found her lying on the sitting room floor. Fortunately she was fine, just a bit shaken and unable to get up under her own steam. So it was just a case of checking her over before getting her into her chair and making her the compulsory cup of tea.

Today was MT's swimming day and my spell at the gym, I really needed far more sleep than I had got before that. The gym was hard work today, I felt far too tired, had missed the last two weeks and my knee was playing up. Apart from that it was fine.Then it was off to do the food shop and a quick look around the town and chasing down some hair stuff MT deemed essential to life.

Speaking of hair, last night MT gave me a slight admonishment. Sin of sins, I had not shaved my head properly, there were some tiny hairs unshaven in the crease at the back of my head. I was then given a quick lecture on the need to ensure my appearance was up to the required standards. Of course I apologised for my appalling lack of attention to detail. FFS.

The appearance thing is a bit of a pain in the arse sometimes. I hate shaving my face, (although I do not like more than three days stubble) and should shave every day. My head has to be kept shaved every day. There must be no nasal hair showing, no hair in ears or on ears. Eyebrows have to be plucked and trimmed - MT does the plucking and somehow manages to make it an exceptionally painful experience, what a surprise. Chest, cock, balls and butt cheeks have to be kept free of hair (except when she randomly decides otherwise), hair removal method optional. Ok, so you probably did not want to know about those bits but hey, why should I be the only one who suffers? Also after all the sub women posts about the trials and tribulations of maintaining their bikini lines, revenge is long overdue.

I have to work out and keep my weight in her decreed range, and she wants muscles for a few months then decrees she fancies more hipbones. I then have to start bulking again when she changes her mind again. All nails must be trimmed and cleaned, hands smooth with no hard skin .I have to wear clothes MT has selected/ approved and must never be in her presence with just my socks on. I'd be bloody well lucky to find any fucking socks in this house....

With the public announcement last night of one of MT's pet names for me being 'Pixie Cat' and the attendant feedback (thanks everyone) I have decided to give up any hope of masculine ego on this blog. But out in the big wide world I will continue to maintain my effective 'facade' of utter manliness.The next male to piss me off had better beware, there is a lot of  latent masculinity waiting to explode....

...Eyebrows not withstanding.

Postscript; Did I forget to mention I shagged MT senseless for several hours this afternoon? I can live with my lack of masculinity.

Damn Owners.

My transition from a free man to property is still ongoing. It started over 4 years ago, in some ways it seems like it has always been like this, in others, it feels like the past was someone else's life.

When I look back at the 'other' life I realise just how much everything has changed. Transition ? No, more like a war followed by rebirth. It has been anything but easy, I have struggled so much. Sometimes I wonder how MT has stayed in there as well as how I have remained her property. But we have, and that speaks volumes.

These are a list of some of the things I struggled with (some I still do)

1. Losing autonomy - I spent most of my life making my own decisions, creating my own destiny and in general, doing whatever I wanted. It would take a lifetime to record the chaos this caused, the world is safer now someone else is in control of me.

2. Promiscuity - Being limited to one woman. Most of my life was spent chasing around getting laid as many times as possible. It was possibly an addiction. Ok, I had a lot of fun and a lot of variety but it did not fulfil me. Now there is one woman and that one is more than enough for me. Hell, she'd be more than enough for the Red Army.

3. Spending Limitations - God I hated this one (I still dislike it) . I used to spend as and when I wanted, even when I did not actually have the money. On a whim I once brought a house without using a single penny of my own money. It cost £90,000 (which was a lot at the time especially as I had mortgages on two other properties as well).

4. Clothes - Not having the freedom to dress as I please or buy the clothes I want.Actually, this has transpired to be a good thing as MT makes me look much better than I would.Who knew money couldn't buy style?

5. Having to ask for things - Grrrrr  this is a big one. Things such as - orgasms, sweets, junk foods, chocolate, alcohol, motor bike rides, TV , permission to go out etc etc .

6. Dominance - another big one. I have always been the one in charge and exerting my dominance on others. In my career, at one stage I was responsible for 26 establishments with a staff of over 1200 people. Now I am not even allowed to be in charge of me. Where did I go wrong?

7. Having to be nicer to people - I have little/no tolerance of people who piss me off. Ok, I admit I am one of the most least tolerant of people. It does not take much for some people to hack me off, in fact all some have to do is continue breathing. Joking aside, if someone does something I do not like I will go out of my way to a) let them know it and b) try to get retribution. MT dislikes this (unless she thinks it is warranted but then it has to be a really big thing).As a consequence, I am banned from hitting anyone or being offensive to them, unless MT decides to loosen leash. 

8. Being used as a sex object - Due to items 2) and 6) above, this has been not only difficult but also bloody humiliating. Being used like this for me Owner has been bad enough but having to provide sexual services to men just for her entertainment, well that's just too much. I cannot tell you how much I hate this. 

9. The names - Oh there have been so many, here are a few ; boy, kitten, bitch, cunt, dildo, baby-cakes, slut, slag, cupcake, muffin (note the baked goods fetish) piggy, pixie, pixie cat ? (WTF is a 'pixie cat'??? And why am I one)?

10. Not being able to stop her from stealing and losing my bloody socks. People have been hanged for less.

Those are the main ones, there are hundreds of other things, over time I am sure these will become apparent in other posts.

Dented but not broken.

I hesitated before starting  to write this blog today which is about last nights events. I still feel a little fragile about what happened and how I felt emotionally, and the impact it had on MT. It is also difficult, because it is part of  one of the least flattering  and hardest elements of my slavery. On reflection, having discussed it with MT, we decided that as it is very much a part of my life I should post it, not to do so would create a false impression.

The fact of how much I love MT was tested to it's fullest, I love her totally and I know she did not mean to hurt/ upset me in any way (other than her usual amount of physical sadism).

Dinner was great, MT cooked and we had some wine. After a relaxing coffee I was told to strip and crawl, nothing unusual there, and of course I was fitted and wearing my collar. The part I had been dreading 'go and fetch me the Tyburn love' was of course dutifully carried out. Positioned firstly on my back, my front was whipped, the pain horrible but within my threshold, just.

I was then repositioned onto my front, I asked to be excused a back whipping as my spondylosis was exceptionally painful after my days work. MT was very considerate and kindly acceded to my request. The Tyburn is an evil tool and I sincerely regret buying it. At first, although the lashings to my buttocks, thighs, calf's, ankles and feet were very painful they were sort of OK - if you are the property of a sadist like my owner you must learn to take pain, it's part of the territory. I utterly hate pain, but, in a fucked up sort of way, I have started to need it to help keep me focused and in check, so it works for us.

It was probably about 30 minutes before I started to feel like I could not take any more. |Each lash felt worse than the previous one. I could tell by the downward force and swishing sound in the air that they were of varying force, but the pain just seemed to build and build. Every nerve ending in my body seemed to be screaming 'fucking well stop this'. When in pain, I grunt, shout, scream, swear and sometimes when she is especially brutal end up sobbing, its pretty normal, and I did all but the latter.

My right buttock in particular felt like it was on fire and every blow was just so unbearable. In hindsight, I realise it was this painful because it had lots of cuts on it that are not healed yet. I just wanted to get up, I wanted to shout 'stop fucking hitting me you bitch' and other such niceties. BUT of course I couldn't  could I? I am her property, she is free to do what she wants with me and it is my duty to try as hard as I can to make her happy, so I angrily, begrudgingly lay there and took it, until I eventually screamed so long and loudly that MT realised something was wrong.

I could tell she was very concerned, but to be honest, I was not focussed on her needs at that time. I had sort of 'shut-down'. I had become detached, I felt this huge sadness within and all around me. I felt empty and alone, lost, unloved, hurt and I suppose a little broken. I did not feel the rage I had when being beaten, just the opposite, I felt calm, calm but detached. On reflection, this is the third or fourth time this has happened when I have been beaten and have not been able to deal with the pain. There must be some kind of trigger that gets operated, perhaps its a chemical thing, some kind of protection device to anaesthetise things, to shut me off and help me survive. I hate this feeling so much.

MT was great as usual, she was worried because I felt like I did, I did not want her to feel upset, I wanted to tell her I was fine, that everything was ok, that I loved her with all my heart, but I couldn't. Although I knew the words were there I just could not access them, I just could not tell her those things. MT hugged me in bed, we got up to see the New Year in, watched some TV and went on the computer etc and then went to bed. I still felt the sadness and all the other things, but managed to utter the words 'I love you' before we went to sleep.

In the morning, I felt slightly better, but still hollow, we talked about it and I will post about the content of those discussions in another blog, because it is quite complex and is deserving of it's own space.

I wanted to feel ok again, I wanted to feel again, I wanted to say 'it is all ok I love you'. So when MT went to the bathroom, I went to our silver case, took out the strap on and put it on her pillow, and when she returned asked her to 'make love to me' (a phrase that is absolutely never usually associated with her fucking me like that, but it felt appropriate today, like it conveyed what I couldn't). Which she did, at first gently and then with most of her usual vigour and then I felt I was at 'home' again. Where I belong, serving my Owner and telling her how much I love her.

I still feel a bit shaky but much better than I did and reconnected to my owner. Being owned isn't easy, especially to a harsh sadist like my owner.

However it is where I belong.