I shall start this blog with a disclaimer 'I have nothing against people who believe in female superiority/supremacy, it is just something I personally do not subscribe to'. Thus the following, is as per usual my personal thoughts, likes, dislikes and personal experiences.
It may seem strange to some people that I do not believe in female superiority/ supremacy, what with me being a 'mere worm' belonging to a dominant woman. Actually, I do not believe in any types of supremacy really, I fundamentally believe in equality and that no one person or group of people have any more value than anyone else or any other group of people. That, however, is not the same as me saying I like everyone or every group of people. It simply means I do not believe in any form of supremacy.
As examples, I do not believe the monarchy are more important than anyone else, or the Prime Minister or any President etc, they are just people fulfilling a different function, we all have our place, our rights and purpose. Although to be honest, me seeing the purpose of some individuals is rather obscure sometimes.
So, as this is my base line, when MT takes me to events where there are staunch female supremacy practitioners it often ends up a little... messy. It usually has us both laughing our heads off as well, although there have been some exceptions. So in my view, each to their own, I have no problem with people having their different kinks whatsoever, providing of course they do not try to enforce it on me. And that is where it has sometimes gone wrong.
The first thing that usually happens is I will be minding my own business, either en route to the bar or toilets etc. Suddenly I hear words being spoken, such as worm, maggot, boy, slave, sub, come here, kneel etc. I look around me to see firstly, who is saying this and secondly to whom it is being said. Well, the speaker, more often than not is is a raunchily scantily clad domme/ dominatrix with whip or crop very pretentiously in hand and it appears is supposedly addressing me.
I smile, sometimes sweetly, if the tone has not been extremely obnoxious, or smirk if really obnoxious. I enquire if they are talking to me. Sometimes they just say 'yes', sometimes it is yet another dommly put down, some more' worm or maggot' or occasionally 'how dare you talk to me like that, boy'? There are some who even insisted I should kneel before addressing them. Guess what? It doesn't happen and they are outraged. I smile some more and say 'actually I am owned and I am here with my owner'. Now sometimes this does the trick and they say 'Oh sorry' and move on to the next worm, sorry I mean victim, I mean male. But there are some who tell me I am insolent and should be punished and that I am a disgrace to my owner. I smile politely and direct them in whatever direction my owner may be. This often seems to upset them even more, especially when I laugh
There have also been many occasions where there has been no verbal foreplay whatsoever and I have been grabbed, sometimes very firmly in all manner of places on my body that certainly would have met with screams of sexual assault by many people. My lead has been grabbed, my collar, my arse, cock, cock and balls pretty much everything really. Again I smile, remove the offending hand and inform them I am owned, I am with my owner and that my owner would most likely not be very happy that they were manhandling her slave, and perhaps it might be a good idea to let go. Sometimes, there is an apology and with some others the threat of being reported to my owner for my 'insolence', usually accompanied by some level of nastiness, like 'you should be whipped till you bleed'.Yeah right, like that never happens anyway.
Of course, there are also the polite ones, who ask 'are you with anyone' or 'if I ask your owner do you think she will let me play with you?'. I like these ones and have a lot of time for them. Neither MT or I have any issue over that type of approach, we both think it is rather endearing.
I will continue this on another blog, MT's responses to this has often been very amusing. They have even cried a couple of times. Bless.
Monday 28 February 2011
Sunday 27 February 2011
The Bitch is (coming) back?
An O/p life is just like a normal life in many ways in regards to things coming along that interfere with it. The biggest imposition has been MT's health problems, and this is something that even owners can not control.
An MT unimpeded by bad health takes some living with. Uber dominant and sadistic with a voracious sexual appetite is enough to scare the most hardened of men or women. There is constant pressure and expectation and the word 'no' has no meaning, unless she utters it.
When it is like this we are very active. Active at in our life at home, going out, and doing normal things, as well as the nights out where, with MT anything can happen. It is fast paced, quite racy, decadent and it is fun, albeit that sometimes her sadism is hard to take.
When MT is unwell, there is a huge shift of emphasis. Virtually all kinky stuff obviously goes out of the window, and life is pretty much a battle to just get through all the things that need to be done to keep us afloat. 'Busy' becomes an unsuitable word to describe how it impacts on me. In addition to work, there is the looking after MT, doing all the shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, looking after the little person, school runs, managing the finances, maintenance, repairs etc etc. I get exhausted.
MT does her best to make my workload easier but when she is very ill there is very little she can do. The O/p dynamic is always apparent and obvious, it just manifests itself in different ways. In simple terms it becomes virtually all about providing services, keeping everyone and everything going, including myself.
A few days of illness is miles different from weeks or months, then it becomes one of our most difficult things we have to deal with. In short spells, I do not miss the sex and direct active submission very much, usually I am too busy or too tired or both. But, when it becomes a longer period the desires do flare up, but there is no outlet for them. I start to miss sex/ orgasms, I miss providing MT with the sexual services, and I even miss the physical use I get even including the pain and humiliation.
But most of all, I miss her. When she is very ill she obviously does not always feel like communicating, she is often so ill all she wants to do is sleep or rest. I miss her conversation, her humour, and all the snuggly bits. The snuggly bits have to go sometimes because she is in so much pain she can not bear being touched at all. I think we both then start to feel lonely and we can easily become a bit detached. This is something we have recognised and are striving to overcome. We are trying to maintain our contact more and our attachment so we do not feel isolated. Isolation is an especially bad thing for MT as she is by nature very outgoing and sociable. She has significantly self isolated lately which is not a good sign.
In the last few days there has been a few glimmers of her normal self appearing though, and that is so heartwarming. I have started to see my owner re-emerging as she gains some strength and has a bit of respite from the intense pain.
Of course, while I am so very pleased and happy for this improvement it does also fill me with the dread of the inevitable return to hard use. After a prolonged absence, I find it hard to go back to that level of use. It has taken almost 5 years to get used to it all, after even relatively short breaks, getting back into it, or more correctly, being got back into is hard to take. It is also difficult because while MT is ill I revert to a more autocratic style, having to wind my neck in again and go back to my place can sometimes be tricky.
But even that's worth it to have her back.
An MT unimpeded by bad health takes some living with. Uber dominant and sadistic with a voracious sexual appetite is enough to scare the most hardened of men or women. There is constant pressure and expectation and the word 'no' has no meaning, unless she utters it.
When it is like this we are very active. Active at in our life at home, going out, and doing normal things, as well as the nights out where, with MT anything can happen. It is fast paced, quite racy, decadent and it is fun, albeit that sometimes her sadism is hard to take.
When MT is unwell, there is a huge shift of emphasis. Virtually all kinky stuff obviously goes out of the window, and life is pretty much a battle to just get through all the things that need to be done to keep us afloat. 'Busy' becomes an unsuitable word to describe how it impacts on me. In addition to work, there is the looking after MT, doing all the shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, looking after the little person, school runs, managing the finances, maintenance, repairs etc etc. I get exhausted.
MT does her best to make my workload easier but when she is very ill there is very little she can do. The O/p dynamic is always apparent and obvious, it just manifests itself in different ways. In simple terms it becomes virtually all about providing services, keeping everyone and everything going, including myself.
A few days of illness is miles different from weeks or months, then it becomes one of our most difficult things we have to deal with. In short spells, I do not miss the sex and direct active submission very much, usually I am too busy or too tired or both. But, when it becomes a longer period the desires do flare up, but there is no outlet for them. I start to miss sex/ orgasms, I miss providing MT with the sexual services, and I even miss the physical use I get even including the pain and humiliation.
But most of all, I miss her. When she is very ill she obviously does not always feel like communicating, she is often so ill all she wants to do is sleep or rest. I miss her conversation, her humour, and all the snuggly bits. The snuggly bits have to go sometimes because she is in so much pain she can not bear being touched at all. I think we both then start to feel lonely and we can easily become a bit detached. This is something we have recognised and are striving to overcome. We are trying to maintain our contact more and our attachment so we do not feel isolated. Isolation is an especially bad thing for MT as she is by nature very outgoing and sociable. She has significantly self isolated lately which is not a good sign.
In the last few days there has been a few glimmers of her normal self appearing though, and that is so heartwarming. I have started to see my owner re-emerging as she gains some strength and has a bit of respite from the intense pain.
Of course, while I am so very pleased and happy for this improvement it does also fill me with the dread of the inevitable return to hard use. After a prolonged absence, I find it hard to go back to that level of use. It has taken almost 5 years to get used to it all, after even relatively short breaks, getting back into it, or more correctly, being got back into is hard to take. It is also difficult because while MT is ill I revert to a more autocratic style, having to wind my neck in again and go back to my place can sometimes be tricky.
But even that's worth it to have her back.
Saturday 26 February 2011
Saturday
Today MT gave me a firm slap across the face whilst we were standing in the kitchen, ah bless, the first signs she is feeling a bit better. The end of my' holiday' seems perhaps in sight. Oh well, it made a change to not have pain for a while.
I had to work today, which was crap, but I have tomorrow off, hopefully I will be allowed to watch Arsenal in the cup final and the highlights of World Superbikes. It is amazing how television programmes can improve a slaves mood/ behaviour. Bad behaviour leads to the removal of TV privileges and other things, so if I was a betting person, I would say there is a pretty good chance I will be suffering from lots of good behaviour in the next 24 hours.
It has been an interesting week, some dickhead tried to run me over whilst I was waiting to cross the road. I was standing behind a stationary vehicle at the time. He then made his second mistake, he started to swear and remonstrate at me. Fortunately for him, I was in one of my more sedate moods and just gave him a tirade of abuse. He even did that thing where they pretend they are going to leap out of the vehicle to attack...but actually stay inside as if some invisible force is stopping them from getting out. I informed him that if he wished to get out there was actually no-one stopping him, he declined my kind invitation.How strange, perhaps it was something I had said. Strangely, it is times such as this that I find being owned difficult. One of my standing instructions is that I am not permitted to hit anyone unless under designated guidelines, or in self defence.
So, at times of say 'being slightly heated' this is truly difficult. One slave being incarcerated would be considered disobedience, how would I provide service to MT ? Would the prison service recognise her owner's rights ? Possibly not, but then again, it is MT.
Sadly, I learned today that one of my customers passed away last night. It was doubly sad as he was to be re-united with his wife today in a double room in a care home. They had been separated for about three weeks due to his hospitalisation and had been missing each other intensely. The family had hoped to re-unite them to give them one last time together. Life can be so cruel sometimes, another 24 hours was all they needed.
Next week is an expensive one, MT has her birthday on Wednesday and the little one's is on Friday so the bank account will be looking sad by the end of the week. I still haven't got a prezzie for MT and I still do not know what to even get her. Plus, I do not have much time to get one, at least she has me ha ha, even more reason to get her something nice.
I had to work today, which was crap, but I have tomorrow off, hopefully I will be allowed to watch Arsenal in the cup final and the highlights of World Superbikes. It is amazing how television programmes can improve a slaves mood/ behaviour. Bad behaviour leads to the removal of TV privileges and other things, so if I was a betting person, I would say there is a pretty good chance I will be suffering from lots of good behaviour in the next 24 hours.
It has been an interesting week, some dickhead tried to run me over whilst I was waiting to cross the road. I was standing behind a stationary vehicle at the time. He then made his second mistake, he started to swear and remonstrate at me. Fortunately for him, I was in one of my more sedate moods and just gave him a tirade of abuse. He even did that thing where they pretend they are going to leap out of the vehicle to attack...but actually stay inside as if some invisible force is stopping them from getting out. I informed him that if he wished to get out there was actually no-one stopping him, he declined my kind invitation.How strange, perhaps it was something I had said. Strangely, it is times such as this that I find being owned difficult. One of my standing instructions is that I am not permitted to hit anyone unless under designated guidelines, or in self defence.
So, at times of say 'being slightly heated' this is truly difficult. One slave being incarcerated would be considered disobedience, how would I provide service to MT ? Would the prison service recognise her owner's rights ? Possibly not, but then again, it is MT.
Sadly, I learned today that one of my customers passed away last night. It was doubly sad as he was to be re-united with his wife today in a double room in a care home. They had been separated for about three weeks due to his hospitalisation and had been missing each other intensely. The family had hoped to re-unite them to give them one last time together. Life can be so cruel sometimes, another 24 hours was all they needed.
Next week is an expensive one, MT has her birthday on Wednesday and the little one's is on Friday so the bank account will be looking sad by the end of the week. I still haven't got a prezzie for MT and I still do not know what to even get her. Plus, I do not have much time to get one, at least she has me ha ha, even more reason to get her something nice.
Friday 25 February 2011
This bitch bitchin'
There are an awful lot of discussions on the internet which focus on the different types of power exchange dynamics. It would appear, that the latest/ newest/ considered baddest/ deepest/ most intense/ most whatever! at any time is the one that people want to be in.
Now whether they are actually in that type of relationship or not seems almost irrelevant to some. We have slaves without Masters/ Mistresses/ Owners/ who are twoo-er slaves that anyone else, because they have slave hearts. I would love to see a slave heart, but only once it has been detached from the body (joke - well sort of). We also have Masters / Dominants and Owners who are full of 'Absolute Truths' though they actually have no-one to dominate, well except the forums they inflict their 'Truths' on.
Some of these people are really good at talking the talk, but there seems to be great difficulty in walking the walk. Well, quite a few seem to have walked a walk but actually have ended up repeatedly falling over, I wonder why?
There are 'Great Truths' expounded - The Way to do this, The Way to do that and of course how not to do this and how not to do that. I am often left in total awe of these people, but not for the reasons they would like me to be. It's the 'Truths' that I object to. Be whoever you are doing whatever you do, but please save the 'Great Truths'
We get Maslow, Herzberg, Meyers Briggs et al and of course an enormous amount of other managerial type theory and of course military principles and practices. Now, I like to have an open mind and I enjoy all of the theoretical discussions and the great diversity of views and opinions....What I do not like are the exponents of ' truths' and ' that's not the way you should be doing ...' Most of the time this comes from not only people with limited experience, no experience or repeated bad practice over many years which has led to a string of failed relationships.
I may be biased, but I like my way, it is simple (like me) also straight forward and guess what...it is actually honest. My way is this...I know some things, I think I know other things but sometimes I am mistaken, there are a lot of things I do not know. I am willing to learn and evolve and keen to do so. It works for me.
So, what do I think O/p is about;
Well, the O/p group definition lays out the basics , but of course the way it operates is different for many people, and that is not only cool, but it is a positive thing, diversity is great and in my humble opinion there is no 'one true way'.
But what do I think O/p is about ? Well, here is my short version -
Now whether they are actually in that type of relationship or not seems almost irrelevant to some. We have slaves without Masters/ Mistresses/ Owners/ who are twoo-er slaves that anyone else, because they have slave hearts. I would love to see a slave heart, but only once it has been detached from the body (joke - well sort of). We also have Masters / Dominants and Owners who are full of 'Absolute Truths' though they actually have no-one to dominate, well except the forums they inflict their 'Truths' on.
Some of these people are really good at talking the talk, but there seems to be great difficulty in walking the walk. Well, quite a few seem to have walked a walk but actually have ended up repeatedly falling over, I wonder why?
There are 'Great Truths' expounded - The Way to do this, The Way to do that and of course how not to do this and how not to do that. I am often left in total awe of these people, but not for the reasons they would like me to be. It's the 'Truths' that I object to. Be whoever you are doing whatever you do, but please save the 'Great Truths'
We get Maslow, Herzberg, Meyers Briggs et al and of course an enormous amount of other managerial type theory and of course military principles and practices. Now, I like to have an open mind and I enjoy all of the theoretical discussions and the great diversity of views and opinions....What I do not like are the exponents of ' truths' and ' that's not the way you should be doing ...' Most of the time this comes from not only people with limited experience, no experience or repeated bad practice over many years which has led to a string of failed relationships.
I may be biased, but I like my way, it is simple (like me) also straight forward and guess what...it is actually honest. My way is this...I know some things, I think I know other things but sometimes I am mistaken, there are a lot of things I do not know. I am willing to learn and evolve and keen to do so. It works for me.
So, what do I think O/p is about;
Well, the O/p group definition lays out the basics , but of course the way it operates is different for many people, and that is not only cool, but it is a positive thing, diversity is great and in my humble opinion there is no 'one true way'.
But what do I think O/p is about ? Well, here is my short version -
- Once I gave up my rights, I gave up my rights to everything.
- Once I said ' I am your property' it meant, 'I am yours for however long you want me'.
- You can do whatever you want to me physically and psychologically (but of course there will be implications).
- It is about me trying to be whatever it is my owner wants me to be, not just when I want to, but always.
- It means my life is not my own any more, from that moment on it meant my life belonged to my owner and my one and only priority was to serve her in whatever way she wants.
- My needs/ wants are not important, I may crave them, but it is not up to me if they are met or not and if they are not then I will try my best to just get on with things.
- I know I will fail / get it wrong / have a strop / sulk / act like a cunt sometimes and when I do, I expect to be put in line, punished, trained, developed, encouraged or whatever else can be done to make me a good slave.
- It means, I will not be a priority, either sometimes or at all.
- In short, it means.....I will do as I am fucking well told and if I don't...well my owner will decide the next move.
Thursday 24 February 2011
Arousal
I sometimes feel like there are several versions of me all running around at the same time. I know this does not sound good from a perspective of mental stability and health but it is how I have felt sometimes and still do now and again. In my fire service career, once I took my third rank, I became more sensible and considered in my approach to most things work related. But in my private life I was as reckless as anything, there was little or no restraint and most things were done to excess.
At formal gatherings, I would play my part as Mr Sensible, do and say all the right things, well most of the time. There were exceptions, when the other me just thought fuck it, lets have a good time and I did. Of course, there would be consequences, which the sensible me had to pay the price for, but reckless me never gave a shit.
A similar sort of thing occurs in my O/p relationship, the Jekyl and Hyde perhaps lives in many of us, to greater or lesser degrees I suppose. An interesting difference in me is where it manifests itself in my sex drive and sexual responses relating to my role in power exchange.
As a dominant, pre-MT and on the odd occasion MT lets me out to play in a domly way, I get a tremendous degree of arousal from being dominant. The more I dominate, the higher my sex drive, this in turn then fuels higher dominant activity which in turn gives higher arousal. It is great and I spent the biggest part of my life feeding these urges.
However, since being MT's property, I have obviously been in a submissive role (Grrrr) , my direct responses to submission do not physically arouse me. I do not get off on pain or by being humiliated and service, well, that is probably one of the furthermost points away from what gives me a hard on.
There are a few minor exceptions to not getting turned on by pain; cock torture works, hurts like hell but is an instant stiffy; conversely, being hit in the balls is likely to stop any erection for several days. On the humiliation front, at the time, not a twitch, some time after when discussing/being kindly reminded of my disgusting behaviour by my darling, some things cause a stir, but not that many.
May sound strange, but that it is 'me'.
At formal gatherings, I would play my part as Mr Sensible, do and say all the right things, well most of the time. There were exceptions, when the other me just thought fuck it, lets have a good time and I did. Of course, there would be consequences, which the sensible me had to pay the price for, but reckless me never gave a shit.
A similar sort of thing occurs in my O/p relationship, the Jekyl and Hyde perhaps lives in many of us, to greater or lesser degrees I suppose. An interesting difference in me is where it manifests itself in my sex drive and sexual responses relating to my role in power exchange.
As a dominant, pre-MT and on the odd occasion MT lets me out to play in a domly way, I get a tremendous degree of arousal from being dominant. The more I dominate, the higher my sex drive, this in turn then fuels higher dominant activity which in turn gives higher arousal. It is great and I spent the biggest part of my life feeding these urges.
However, since being MT's property, I have obviously been in a submissive role (Grrrr) , my direct responses to submission do not physically arouse me. I do not get off on pain or by being humiliated and service, well, that is probably one of the furthermost points away from what gives me a hard on.
There are a few minor exceptions to not getting turned on by pain; cock torture works, hurts like hell but is an instant stiffy; conversely, being hit in the balls is likely to stop any erection for several days. On the humiliation front, at the time, not a twitch, some time after when discussing/being kindly reminded of my disgusting behaviour by my darling, some things cause a stir, but not that many.
May sound strange, but that it is 'me'.
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Why I can't leave.
I apologise in advance that some of you will have probably read this thread on the O/p group, if so you may wish to stop reading now.
There are of course some readers who may not have read the post and it is a subject which is not only important to me, but one that many people often either do not understand or simply do not believe as being real/ true. I also get a lot of people memoing me as the result of this post.
In many relationships, when things go wrong people just call it a day and go their separate ways. In the world of O/p, for many people, leaving is not an option.
I wrote the following thread to explain my own particular reasons ' Why I can't leave' .
Thread :-
Firstly, I wish to categorically state this is not an attempt to convey any 'truism', these are my thoughts about the subject and I will hopefully try to explain ' why I can't leave' from a personal perspective. It is also most definitely not intended to convey any attitude of 'I am more a slave than you are' or anything similar (all else apart, I'd lose) ;)
Internal Enslavement (IE) and External Enslavement (EE) are subjects in their own right and their theoretical discussion is not the intended purpose of this thread. One of their common outcomes, a slave’s inability to leave the relationship, is however.
There are many schools of thoughts on this subject, but I have not been able to find any substantial validated research which provides a definitive conclusion. So it seems like an ideal subject to discuss here.
The 'I cant leave' statement attracts a range of responses, from outright ridicule, right along the spectrum to complete identification. I found that the best way for me to engage with this subject was to discuss my own experiences from my own perspective, in the hope that others will add their own experiences and thoughts. To that end this is a long, personally referenced OP, but it is designed to ask you to share your experiences.
Prior to becoming MT's property, I obviously gave the matter very serious thought. I did not want roleplay, I did not want to just 'feel' I was owned, I wanted to actually see if I could be owned. I wanted to experience a state of being where I became enslaved, I perhaps wanted to attain 'pure IE'. But I genuinely wondered if it was possible, especially with my dominant history and the fact I had never consciously wanted to be a slave prior to meeting MT.
I find submission and thus slavery very difficult at times, it has been far more demanding/ difficult for me than it ever was to be ‘a’ dominant so while I never expected it to be easy, it has been far more difficult than I had expected by a considerable degree. During the kicking and screaming and sulking etc there were many times I thought ' I cant do this anymore or I don’t want this anymore' there were times when to be totally honest I really thought I needed to get out of the relationship.
Over the years there has been considerable effort on both our parts and at times many upsets. At one time I felt that I had given it my best shot but could not continue and told MT this. The details are not relevant, the outcome, however, was, I just couldn’t leave and I will try to explain why :
Whilst I do love MT totally, I have never felt love alone is a reason to stay if other things are wrong in a relationship. The standard type of reasons people stay in relationships they wish to leave didn’t apply. For example,
It wasn’t because MT had me physically captive, it’s not her style and someone would have to be very extreme to keep me captive.
It wasn’t because there was nowhere to go, I had numerous options.
It wasn’t financial or otherwise practical, as I always survive, I have a history of surviving.
It wasn’t because I would feel a failure, I am a realist, sometimes things just don’t work out
It wasn’t because I could not finish relationships, I do not shy away from difficult things……
I could not leave because whilst I would physically survive, I belong to her to the extent that my life would have no longer have meaning or purpose without her. Without realising it, I had developed a new identity, I had evolved into her slave, a person whose sole purpose is to serve their owner, to put my own needs/ wants etc aside for the benefit of my owner. I could not leave because the essence of my self was now as my owner’s property.
For the first time in my life, I felt that nothing else really mattered than being with my owner, even though at times I had been unhappy. I realised I could not leave, I would have to stay, this was where I belonged.
By realising I could not actually leave it made me focus more on the reasons I was unhappy, and when i actually analysed it quickly became apparent that these they were to do with me and not my owner, they were me subconsciously fighting against my slavery, for me they were part of my reactance to my own IE.
Focusing on my owners needs as the primary driver for my actions and thought processes has created a sense of myself not existing as a separate person, but existing as an (integral or extension part) of my Owner. This integration, therefore, means that even if I physically left, my psychological linking would still be in place. Thus, physical removal of myself would be futile as the integration psychologically created by my submission cannot be broken as it has become embedded into my psyche and can not be reversed.
The above is the best way I can explain how it is for me,but it doesn't seem to do do it justice somehow.
Cynics will probably still say ' well you could leave if you really wanted to ' and that's fine it's a free world, but then we all know that's not exactly true.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Limitless. Unfortunately.
As property, I am always aware that there are no limits in our relationship. This is not just some abstract concept, it is our reality, the only limits are those which MT might have. In the very very early days, when we had safewords, I never used them although I was tempted on several occasions. Then one bright sunny day, in a moment of madness I gave up my right to safe words.
In all honesty at the time, I had not really thought too much about the potential impact of this. It was in some ways a token of my trust and belief in my owner. As time passed however, I started to realise the magnitude of this bold display of trust. There had already been a lot of things that I had not expected or anticipated, some even that would never have crossed my mind, but they had done more than just crossed MT's mind.
I found myself being confronted with situations I never thought I would have to deal with. Some, had I contemplated them beforehand, were much harder than I would have imagined and the converse of others. Not being afraid to bare all so to speak, here is a short list of some of the difficult ones. Some were slightly easier with repetition, others not.
1 Forced to crawl across a crowded floor.
2. Being put on public display.
3. Forced homosexual acts, private and in public.
4. Having to walk around publicly with the evidence of homosexual activity clearly visible.
5. Being anally inspected by other than my owner.
6. Being made to discuss humiliating acts I undergo with strangers.
7. Watching MT take pleasure from other males.
8. Being treated like various animals and being made to act like them.
9. Being made to piss in a bucket in front of MT while I was in a cage.
10. Being carved with various words written on my body.
11. Being given enemas by MT.
OK this is NOT throwing myself under a bus, if that was the intention it would be more like chucking myself off a cliff. These are the main things I honestly and truly hope I will never have to do (there are probably lots of others as well). Some have come from my own fears, others from MT's comments;
1. Scat.
2. Vomit
3. Ball kicking.
4. Spitting
5. Being raped/ gang raped.
6. Having to share MT with another male slave.
7. Being branded.
8. Crossdressing.
9. Having anus sewed up.
10. Having mouth sewed up.
11. Homosexual kissing.
Sometimes I even amaze myself as to how stupid I am, but actually, I know MT will do what she decides, regardless of whether I ever mentioned these or not.
In all honesty at the time, I had not really thought too much about the potential impact of this. It was in some ways a token of my trust and belief in my owner. As time passed however, I started to realise the magnitude of this bold display of trust. There had already been a lot of things that I had not expected or anticipated, some even that would never have crossed my mind, but they had done more than just crossed MT's mind.
I found myself being confronted with situations I never thought I would have to deal with. Some, had I contemplated them beforehand, were much harder than I would have imagined and the converse of others. Not being afraid to bare all so to speak, here is a short list of some of the difficult ones. Some were slightly easier with repetition, others not.
1 Forced to crawl across a crowded floor.
2. Being put on public display.
3. Forced homosexual acts, private and in public.
4. Having to walk around publicly with the evidence of homosexual activity clearly visible.
5. Being anally inspected by other than my owner.
6. Being made to discuss humiliating acts I undergo with strangers.
7. Watching MT take pleasure from other males.
8. Being treated like various animals and being made to act like them.
9. Being made to piss in a bucket in front of MT while I was in a cage.
10. Being carved with various words written on my body.
11. Being given enemas by MT.
OK this is NOT throwing myself under a bus, if that was the intention it would be more like chucking myself off a cliff. These are the main things I honestly and truly hope I will never have to do (there are probably lots of others as well). Some have come from my own fears, others from MT's comments;
1. Scat.
2. Vomit
3. Ball kicking.
4. Spitting
5. Being raped/ gang raped.
6. Having to share MT with another male slave.
7. Being branded.
8. Crossdressing.
9. Having anus sewed up.
10. Having mouth sewed up.
11. Homosexual kissing.
Sometimes I even amaze myself as to how stupid I am, but actually, I know MT will do what she decides, regardless of whether I ever mentioned these or not.
Monday 21 February 2011
Foibles
Being property is always exciting for me because I never really know what is going to happen next. Quite a similarity really with my career in the fire service, one minute you are doing one thing, then all of a sudden you have to do something completely different. I like this aspect, routines tend to bore me, though for practical reasons I often create them myself.
So when for example, I am sitting in the chair and MT says something like, 'go into the bedroom and strip' it keeps me on my toes. I never know what lies ahead, unless I have bee pre-warned of some 'impending fate' which is often worse as I get time to contemplate the 'evil deed' beforehand. I often feel split about whether it is best to have things sprung upon me without warning or be told in advance, both have their pluses and minuses. Thinking about it, I often get more of a humiliation hit if I am given advance warning. I sometimes find I have a very strange reaction if I am told in advance that something is to happen and then it does not. This usually happens due to unforeseen ill health, otherwise MT usually keeps to her schedules. When it happens, although I feel a certain amount of relief, I also feel some disappointment and sometimes even some resentment. I think the resentment comes from all of the inner battles I give myself prior to the event. Coming to terms with having to meet a new challenge or one that I have had before but struggled with. I suppose I psyche myself up for it. When it gets cancelled/ postponed all that adrenalin etc seems to well up inside me and sometimes pours out in annoyance/frustration. I really am a strange little human.
I often muse over my little foibles, things like :-
There are many other things, but it would take eons to explain them all.
So when for example, I am sitting in the chair and MT says something like, 'go into the bedroom and strip' it keeps me on my toes. I never know what lies ahead, unless I have bee pre-warned of some 'impending fate' which is often worse as I get time to contemplate the 'evil deed' beforehand. I often feel split about whether it is best to have things sprung upon me without warning or be told in advance, both have their pluses and minuses. Thinking about it, I often get more of a humiliation hit if I am given advance warning. I sometimes find I have a very strange reaction if I am told in advance that something is to happen and then it does not. This usually happens due to unforeseen ill health, otherwise MT usually keeps to her schedules. When it happens, although I feel a certain amount of relief, I also feel some disappointment and sometimes even some resentment. I think the resentment comes from all of the inner battles I give myself prior to the event. Coming to terms with having to meet a new challenge or one that I have had before but struggled with. I suppose I psyche myself up for it. When it gets cancelled/ postponed all that adrenalin etc seems to well up inside me and sometimes pours out in annoyance/frustration. I really am a strange little human.
I often muse over my little foibles, things like :-
- I do not like pain, but miss it when I do not get it for a prolonged period, even to the point where without it I now feel slightly less loved.
- I used to hate service, but do it more than anything else nowadays and have sort of grown used to it, most of the time.
- I hate being controlled and being told what to do, but feel neglected when I don't, well sometimes anyway.
- I hate humiliation, but know deep down it is good for my humility.
- I now, finally, prefer to be dominated rather than to dominate, well, apart from the odd little occasions.
- I have developed a ridiculous level of dislike to having canes used on me, yet they are always my own preferred choice of weapon, I mean tool :)
- If there is any bdsm scene on telly I find it quite titillating, I never used to as a dom.
- Watching people on movies, TV programmes featuring ancient slaves (mainly Roman and Greek periods) I feel a sort of jealousy that I am not one of them, even though I know I would have hated the reality of it.
- I occasionally get frustrated by not being able to live our relationship openly. I would like everything to be totally open and to be publicly treated as MT's property in all of the facets, again, even though I would probably really not like the reality.
There are many other things, but it would take eons to explain them all.
Sunday 20 February 2011
The only way is up?
Good news, there is a hint of MT showing some signs of recovery.
The first signs occurred two days ago when, I was reunited with my dear friend njoy. I had 'almost' forgotten how uncomfortable it was, but was quickly reminded. I sometimes wonder the fascination that owners seem to have with them, it is like some sort of 'Code of Conduct', 'rule number one', stick a butt plug up your properties arse. It seems a bit similar to putting batteries into some electrically powered toy' well it wont work if there are no batteries in it " becomes "well it can't function properly as property unless it has a plug fitted ".
Well, just as a point of information to all you owners out there, we CAN function without plugs being fitted. I survived 50 years without a plug and if it hadn't of been for MT I could have survived another 50 without one. And... and... and... sitting down would have been more bloody comfortable.
The next sign of MT's recovery has been an increase in her requiring some sexual service over the last few days. This was further reinforced this morning, and I got an orgasm as well. Excellent, what a spoilt princess, I mean boy I am ;)
After cooking MT her favourite breakfast of poached eggs on toast we even managed a short trip to Bury St Edmunds for some retail therapy and coffee, which was nice. It was the first time MT has been able to get out of the house for about three weeks which she finds extremely hard as she's so naturally social. So it is nice to see her get out even if it's very brief and not much gets done. Fortunately, a lot of her favourite shops were closed so the bank account did not suffer too badly, it is not my fault I have short arms and long pockets ;).
Of course I am please MT is feeling a little better. But, on a selfish note, (yes I am a bad slave, we all know that), I can't help the fact I have enjoyed the 'pain holiday' and the 'anal use holiday' . It has been nice to feel a little safer in my darling's presence. Being called to the bedroom has not been accompanied by my usual hesitance or thoughts of 'OMG, what now'? One of the first things I usually do when entering the bedroom is to look at the wardrobe doors. If they are open, there is a 10 to 1 chance MT has the canes or crops out, bad news. The next tell tale sign is 'the silver box', it was my metal photographic box, but now houses MT's 'instruments of torture and humiliation'.
I expect many owners have such little storage devices, amongst many other 'toys' our silver box houses my most feared implements, the Tyburn and the strap on. If the box has been moved, or worse is open, it is a 'red flag' situation. Unfortunately, I am not permitted to wave any flag, either red or white, so it really is always a case of grin and bear it, or bare it more appropriately. There is a holdall under the bed as well, which contains even more fun items and I also dislike most of them as well.
So many toys, so little time...fortunately.
The first signs occurred two days ago when, I was reunited with my dear friend njoy. I had 'almost' forgotten how uncomfortable it was, but was quickly reminded. I sometimes wonder the fascination that owners seem to have with them, it is like some sort of 'Code of Conduct', 'rule number one', stick a butt plug up your properties arse. It seems a bit similar to putting batteries into some electrically powered toy' well it wont work if there are no batteries in it " becomes "well it can't function properly as property unless it has a plug fitted ".
Well, just as a point of information to all you owners out there, we CAN function without plugs being fitted. I survived 50 years without a plug and if it hadn't of been for MT I could have survived another 50 without one. And... and... and... sitting down would have been more bloody comfortable.
The next sign of MT's recovery has been an increase in her requiring some sexual service over the last few days. This was further reinforced this morning, and I got an orgasm as well. Excellent, what a spoilt princess, I mean boy I am ;)
After cooking MT her favourite breakfast of poached eggs on toast we even managed a short trip to Bury St Edmunds for some retail therapy and coffee, which was nice. It was the first time MT has been able to get out of the house for about three weeks which she finds extremely hard as she's so naturally social. So it is nice to see her get out even if it's very brief and not much gets done. Fortunately, a lot of her favourite shops were closed so the bank account did not suffer too badly, it is not my fault I have short arms and long pockets ;).
Of course I am please MT is feeling a little better. But, on a selfish note, (yes I am a bad slave, we all know that), I can't help the fact I have enjoyed the 'pain holiday' and the 'anal use holiday' . It has been nice to feel a little safer in my darling's presence. Being called to the bedroom has not been accompanied by my usual hesitance or thoughts of 'OMG, what now'? One of the first things I usually do when entering the bedroom is to look at the wardrobe doors. If they are open, there is a 10 to 1 chance MT has the canes or crops out, bad news. The next tell tale sign is 'the silver box', it was my metal photographic box, but now houses MT's 'instruments of torture and humiliation'.
I expect many owners have such little storage devices, amongst many other 'toys' our silver box houses my most feared implements, the Tyburn and the strap on. If the box has been moved, or worse is open, it is a 'red flag' situation. Unfortunately, I am not permitted to wave any flag, either red or white, so it really is always a case of grin and bear it, or bare it more appropriately. There is a holdall under the bed as well, which contains even more fun items and I also dislike most of them as well.
So many toys, so little time...fortunately.
Saturday 19 February 2011
Thinking hurts.
For a considerable time, seems like for ever actually, I have been pondering some thoughts about the label 'Owner/ property relationships' . In the FL O/p group, for the sake of commonality, we define our group being for co-resident, 24/7, TPE, consensual non-consent slaves and owners. In principle, I have no real issue with this, but I do feel it leaves a lot of room for not only interpretation but also in relation to the extent of the power exchange.
Ever a person who is a walking contradiction, I dislike labels but also feel there needs to be a common understanding for the sake of discourse, and perhaps one label may not be sufficient to cover such a wide range. In the O/p group there are a very diverse range of O/p relationships. This is of course absolutely fine, as diversity is a good thing, we are all individuals and each of our relationships are unique to ourselves. But I do sometimes wonder if Owner/ property is actually the best label.
For a start, a person can own something but have limited or no control over it. The 'property' may be at the same location but there may be limited activity or no activity at all in relation to the power exchange. I keep asking myself different questions, but there is no absolute. Things like, if a person tells another they want to be their property and the other person accepts, if the owner never or rarely exerts any power over their property is an O/p relationship? Under the group definition as long as they were co-resident, 24/7 and agreed to the TPE, then it would fit, but would it actually be a power exchange relationship in anything other than name?
If a person is permitted a wide range of free will, are they in a TPE relationship? Or should it perhaps more accurately be described as a partial power exchange relationship?
If an owner, only ever requires their property to do things they either want to do or are comfortable with is this a TPE relationship ? Is it sufficient for there to be just the intent rather than the actual operation of the TPE?
Basically, if I was permitted to pretty much do as I please, to what extent would I be property, even if my owner was happy for this? Conversely, if a property does not do as it is told is it still in an O/p relationship or does it depend on the outcome eg whether they are either eventually forced into doing it or have to be disciplined for non compliance and then made to do it?
There are those who believe they are slaves even though they have no Master/ Mistress or anyone else influencing their lives, so how does this differ to property that might not be actively required to actually yield any control?
It is not a case of someone being slavier than someone else, it is more a case of defining the differences. It certainly seems to me that O/p has gone the same way as the original M/s and D/s definitions, ie they are now used on the internet to mean whatever anyone wants them to mean or are applied willy nilly by people, particularly the wannabees.
What seems to me to be a constant in any of the relationship types is the power exchange, at one end of the scale there is 'time' and 'extent' limited power exchange, such as a 'scene' through to relationships where there is no limit on time or extent of the power exchange.
The other factor which perhaps may influence the differences might be the extent of how much and how often a property is utilised against what would have been considered to be their chosen activities/ behaviours etc eg how much control is actually active, as opposed to a more passive type of PE.
I would think there might be some significant differences between the stresses, reactions, problems and physical strains placed on a property who is actively utilised and one in a more passive/less active role. If only 10% of time is spent on doing things a person might not like/ enjoy/ find difficult etc it might be easier to deal with the O/p relationship as opposed to someone who has greater percentage usage. Is that relevant?
Maybe, the key lies in defining the extent of the power exchange rather than the persons involved. If this was the case then at one end of the scale would be partial power exchange and at the other TPE where there is no limits on time, extent of the power exchange ie no limits and the power exchange is always active both in a physical and psychological context.
So I've raised myself a lot of questions, but come to no conclusions.
Ever a person who is a walking contradiction, I dislike labels but also feel there needs to be a common understanding for the sake of discourse, and perhaps one label may not be sufficient to cover such a wide range. In the O/p group there are a very diverse range of O/p relationships. This is of course absolutely fine, as diversity is a good thing, we are all individuals and each of our relationships are unique to ourselves. But I do sometimes wonder if Owner/ property is actually the best label.
For a start, a person can own something but have limited or no control over it. The 'property' may be at the same location but there may be limited activity or no activity at all in relation to the power exchange. I keep asking myself different questions, but there is no absolute. Things like, if a person tells another they want to be their property and the other person accepts, if the owner never or rarely exerts any power over their property is an O/p relationship? Under the group definition as long as they were co-resident, 24/7 and agreed to the TPE, then it would fit, but would it actually be a power exchange relationship in anything other than name?
If a person is permitted a wide range of free will, are they in a TPE relationship? Or should it perhaps more accurately be described as a partial power exchange relationship?
If an owner, only ever requires their property to do things they either want to do or are comfortable with is this a TPE relationship ? Is it sufficient for there to be just the intent rather than the actual operation of the TPE?
Basically, if I was permitted to pretty much do as I please, to what extent would I be property, even if my owner was happy for this? Conversely, if a property does not do as it is told is it still in an O/p relationship or does it depend on the outcome eg whether they are either eventually forced into doing it or have to be disciplined for non compliance and then made to do it?
There are those who believe they are slaves even though they have no Master/ Mistress or anyone else influencing their lives, so how does this differ to property that might not be actively required to actually yield any control?
It is not a case of someone being slavier than someone else, it is more a case of defining the differences. It certainly seems to me that O/p has gone the same way as the original M/s and D/s definitions, ie they are now used on the internet to mean whatever anyone wants them to mean or are applied willy nilly by people, particularly the wannabees.
What seems to me to be a constant in any of the relationship types is the power exchange, at one end of the scale there is 'time' and 'extent' limited power exchange, such as a 'scene' through to relationships where there is no limit on time or extent of the power exchange.
The other factor which perhaps may influence the differences might be the extent of how much and how often a property is utilised against what would have been considered to be their chosen activities/ behaviours etc eg how much control is actually active, as opposed to a more passive type of PE.
I would think there might be some significant differences between the stresses, reactions, problems and physical strains placed on a property who is actively utilised and one in a more passive/less active role. If only 10% of time is spent on doing things a person might not like/ enjoy/ find difficult etc it might be easier to deal with the O/p relationship as opposed to someone who has greater percentage usage. Is that relevant?
Maybe, the key lies in defining the extent of the power exchange rather than the persons involved. If this was the case then at one end of the scale would be partial power exchange and at the other TPE where there is no limits on time, extent of the power exchange ie no limits and the power exchange is always active both in a physical and psychological context.
So I've raised myself a lot of questions, but come to no conclusions.
Friday 18 February 2011
Humiliation part 2
After re-reading yesterdays blog following KellyRed's comment I realised I had not explained myself clearly, quite a common thing for me actually. So, I thought I would try to explain it a bit more clearly. I do not like being humiliated, I absolutely hate it. The feelings I get when I am humiliated by MT are not positive ones. I do not get a nice trippy sort of high feeling. What I get is more like, 'I am struggling to breathe properly, I wish I was anywhere else, doing anything else, just wanting so much to not be doing what I am being told to do'. I feel such a deep sense of shame, sometimes I can not even look at MT and can only look at the floor/ground. The feeling of shame, can last for hours/ days, even weeks. Some things still remain prominent in my head even though the event happened several years ago.
There is also a cumulative effect as well, when I reflect, and realise I have done X, Y, Z and X plus 20 etc it heightens my humiliation. There have been times when I think 'what has become of me?' , sometimes I think about how as the 'old' me would never have done this/put up with this, why am I doing it now? The answer of course is easy, well the generic answer is. Of course it is because I am owned, because I am property and this is what my owner requires of me. But it does not answer the 'why' question. Why , when I spent so much of my life ensuring I was never humiliated do I accept it now?
Given a choice, I would take physical pain over humiliation any day, and bearing in mind I am not a masochist and hate pain that speaks volumes as to how much I hate humiliation. Yet it is humiliation which has the greater impact on me and helps to reinforce my status as property and enhances/ reinforces my love, commitment and dedication to MT.
It is such a mystery to me, but I am ok about it being a mystery, because perhaps some things in life just 'are' and defy rational, logical thought or understanding.
There is also a cumulative effect as well, when I reflect, and realise I have done X, Y, Z and X plus 20 etc it heightens my humiliation. There have been times when I think 'what has become of me?' , sometimes I think about how as the 'old' me would never have done this/put up with this, why am I doing it now? The answer of course is easy, well the generic answer is. Of course it is because I am owned, because I am property and this is what my owner requires of me. But it does not answer the 'why' question. Why , when I spent so much of my life ensuring I was never humiliated do I accept it now?
Given a choice, I would take physical pain over humiliation any day, and bearing in mind I am not a masochist and hate pain that speaks volumes as to how much I hate humiliation. Yet it is humiliation which has the greater impact on me and helps to reinforce my status as property and enhances/ reinforces my love, commitment and dedication to MT.
It is such a mystery to me, but I am ok about it being a mystery, because perhaps some things in life just 'are' and defy rational, logical thought or understanding.
Thursday 17 February 2011
Why is humiliation so powerful?
One of the things that I do not understand about myself, and there are quite a few, but none as significant as this one, is humiliation. Prior to meeting MT I never really thought about the subject. As a Dom, I spent plenty of time humiliating girls, they responded well to it and it was obvious they enjoyed it (well, I'm not sure if 'enjoy' is the accurate word, but they did get off on it and always came back for more). I never really gave it any thought as to why they liked it/ why it turned them on, it just did. I suppose, I did not give it any real thought because it was not important to me.
As for myself, out in the big wide world my environment was mainly male orientated, I spent most of my first eight years in the Fire service, living and working, sleeping in a dorm on nights and generally socialising with the lads. I deliberately use the word 'lads' because it better describes the style of life rather than using the term men. We were all often acting like kids, playing pranks, taking the piss out of each other, shagging and of course risking our necks on emergency calls. Taking the piss out of each other was not only acceptable but almost a necessity for survival. The objective, to humiliate the other person in front of the others, was an effective method of battle especially in power struggles between personnel on the same watch, between watches, between stations, divisions and indeed Brigades.
I was very good at piss taking, so I do not really ever remember feeling humiliated, and if the battle of minds ever failed, of course in typical male tradition, one could always resort to violence or physical humiliation. Thus life on a station could be really good fun or an absolute nightmare - I of course had a lot of fun.
So when I met MT, and she started to humiliate me it was a very new experience. I did not even know that I could feel humiliated, let alone actually be made to feel it. At the age of 50, my humiliation virginity was well and truly taken on our first physical liaison. I felt this huge surge of energy stampede through my body. I felt a strange difficulty in breathing, I felt a pulsing sensation all over, especially in my head and the rush was overpowering. I also felt ashamed/ embarrassed, not just by the acts being performed on me or what I was made to do, but also by my own reaction to it.
MT has said that I was such a cocky, arrogant git that she could not wait to take me down a peg or two. At the first meeting she had no intention of it being any kind of relationship, but she did want to put me in my place before dismissing me and going on her way.
The rest as they say is history. The humiliation remains a key component of our relationship. MT can take me down with it whenever she want. If I start to not get humiliated by a particular act/ matter then she changes things and finds the next trigger. Being humiliated has not only proven to be an effective method of control, but has also helped me to learn some humility. It has also, after the event, transpired to be an arousing experience on some occasions, much more so than pain ever has.
I remain mystified why it has such an impact upon me, it just does. I still sometimes nearly hyperventilate just thinking about some of the things that have humiliated me over the last five years. I also nearly hyperventilate about future humiliations as I know there will be many and I am certain to not like any of them. At least my life as MT's property is never boring.
As for myself, out in the big wide world my environment was mainly male orientated, I spent most of my first eight years in the Fire service, living and working, sleeping in a dorm on nights and generally socialising with the lads. I deliberately use the word 'lads' because it better describes the style of life rather than using the term men. We were all often acting like kids, playing pranks, taking the piss out of each other, shagging and of course risking our necks on emergency calls. Taking the piss out of each other was not only acceptable but almost a necessity for survival. The objective, to humiliate the other person in front of the others, was an effective method of battle especially in power struggles between personnel on the same watch, between watches, between stations, divisions and indeed Brigades.
I was very good at piss taking, so I do not really ever remember feeling humiliated, and if the battle of minds ever failed, of course in typical male tradition, one could always resort to violence or physical humiliation. Thus life on a station could be really good fun or an absolute nightmare - I of course had a lot of fun.
So when I met MT, and she started to humiliate me it was a very new experience. I did not even know that I could feel humiliated, let alone actually be made to feel it. At the age of 50, my humiliation virginity was well and truly taken on our first physical liaison. I felt this huge surge of energy stampede through my body. I felt a strange difficulty in breathing, I felt a pulsing sensation all over, especially in my head and the rush was overpowering. I also felt ashamed/ embarrassed, not just by the acts being performed on me or what I was made to do, but also by my own reaction to it.
MT has said that I was such a cocky, arrogant git that she could not wait to take me down a peg or two. At the first meeting she had no intention of it being any kind of relationship, but she did want to put me in my place before dismissing me and going on her way.
The rest as they say is history. The humiliation remains a key component of our relationship. MT can take me down with it whenever she want. If I start to not get humiliated by a particular act/ matter then she changes things and finds the next trigger. Being humiliated has not only proven to be an effective method of control, but has also helped me to learn some humility. It has also, after the event, transpired to be an arousing experience on some occasions, much more so than pain ever has.
I remain mystified why it has such an impact upon me, it just does. I still sometimes nearly hyperventilate just thinking about some of the things that have humiliated me over the last five years. I also nearly hyperventilate about future humiliations as I know there will be many and I am certain to not like any of them. At least my life as MT's property is never boring.
Wednesday 16 February 2011
Today has been really crap. Work was busy, and one customer was more than just a little tricky. Maybe I should have fixed the TV bracket to the wall without suitable fixings so that it pulled out of the wall and smashed.
A refusal often offends, but at least there will be no accident.
Then, just to add a bit more stress, there was a leak in our loft. Work had to be delayed whilst I went to the plumbers to get some parts and then work on a tank and pipes that could have not been placed in a more inaccessible place if they had tried.I smashed my head about 20 times on the roof, swore uncontrollably and after two hours finally fixed it.
Then off to the next job before getting home and back to the loft to check the pipes/tank.
MT is still unwell, but keeping her chin up, I love her so much.
The good bit about today is, I am sitting down watching my favourite football team, Arsenal play Barcelona, unfortunately Barcelona are in the lead, some days are just not good days. Goodnight
A refusal often offends, but at least there will be no accident.
Then, just to add a bit more stress, there was a leak in our loft. Work had to be delayed whilst I went to the plumbers to get some parts and then work on a tank and pipes that could have not been placed in a more inaccessible place if they had tried.I smashed my head about 20 times on the roof, swore uncontrollably and after two hours finally fixed it.
Then off to the next job before getting home and back to the loft to check the pipes/tank.
MT is still unwell, but keeping her chin up, I love her so much.
The good bit about today is, I am sitting down watching my favourite football team, Arsenal play Barcelona, unfortunately Barcelona are in the lead, some days are just not good days. Goodnight
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Romance - MT style.
Valentines Day at bedtime was so romantic. MT and I snuggled up close and she told me how much she would love to see me raped - who said 'romance is dead'? Now I did not think think this 'sexy' conversation was going to get too much darker, but wrong again. I should know by now to never underestimate my owner.
My darling valentine proceeded to romantically tell me how much she wants to see both my arse and my mouth simultaneously raped by multiple men. Raped so both my 'rape holes' are left 'cock bruised and bleeding' (MT has such a delicate way with words). Now I really like fantasy sex talk, it can be really hot. The problem is, I know only too well that this is something MT genuinely wants to have done to me. And, when MT decides she wants to see something, then she always makes sure she gets to see it.
At moments like this I have two opposing reactions, as I (now) get off on humiliation, the fantasy of being humiliated is arousing, but not the methodology and certainly not the reality, especially as I know that in our relationship fantasy does usually lead to reality. MT gets what she wants.
There have been countless times MT has remarked about what she would like to do/ us to do/ do to me/ have done to me etc, and in the very early days of our O/p I thought it was purely head fuck/ wank fodder, then I learned the very hard way that it wasn't. As time has gone by, I have tended to adopt the principle that anything and everything could be on the cards at any moment, so while some things may remain fantasy, there is a bloody good chance they won't. I have also accidentally thrown myself under the bus on a few occasions. During 'fantasy' talk, being a dominant person with a primarily dominant sexual drive, I have mooted extra touches to MT's perversions which would enhance matters. It is like for a brief second I am her co-conspirator plotting the downfall of some third party rather than it being about me. In the heat of the moment, it has seemed like a good idea, and as it has been fantasy degradation stuff early on I never took it seriously. Unfortunately, on a few occasions MT has pounced on some concept, usually added some even worse perversions and then told me she will actually do (insert perversions) when she can arrange it/ has the opportunity. Or she just does it without warning. You know, 'casually'.
I must learn to keep my mouth shut more, (especially when I have a hard on).
I understand there will be some people who would hold the opinion that I actually want some of the acts forced onto me, because the act itself is something I want. This could not be further from the truth, but it is hard to explain. It is the act of being totally humiliated that is the driver, absolutely not whatever the actual act is. The act has to be something I really intensely do not want to have the impact of being so humiliating. I would get nothing whatsoever out of being forced to do something I internally desired in any way, it would just be pointless. Overall, of course I have to do whatever MT wants me to do, but the key thing with MT usually is ' if I like something, there is less chance of me getting it ' unless it is something she wants purely for herself, or she decides to give me a treat, which does happen sometimes.
There are still many things I would really hate to do, MT has mooted some of them and they are horrifying to me, some because of the physical pain element and others because of the sheer and total humiliation and degradation of them. I also know, that within that pretty head of hers lies a myriad of other things not mentioned or hinted at that will no doubt come to pass in the fullness of time. This small element of our O/p, being kept in a constant state of fear and trepidation, is an integral part of our life and it is something I now perversely value. It never lets me forget what she's capable of. I want to give my all in every possible way to MT, by being pushed into places I do not want to go and having to do things totally against what my own fundamental desires are. It makes her happy and it makes me very aware that I am owned.
My darling valentine proceeded to romantically tell me how much she wants to see both my arse and my mouth simultaneously raped by multiple men. Raped so both my 'rape holes' are left 'cock bruised and bleeding' (MT has such a delicate way with words). Now I really like fantasy sex talk, it can be really hot. The problem is, I know only too well that this is something MT genuinely wants to have done to me. And, when MT decides she wants to see something, then she always makes sure she gets to see it.
At moments like this I have two opposing reactions, as I (now) get off on humiliation, the fantasy of being humiliated is arousing, but not the methodology and certainly not the reality, especially as I know that in our relationship fantasy does usually lead to reality. MT gets what she wants.
There have been countless times MT has remarked about what she would like to do/ us to do/ do to me/ have done to me etc, and in the very early days of our O/p I thought it was purely head fuck/ wank fodder, then I learned the very hard way that it wasn't. As time has gone by, I have tended to adopt the principle that anything and everything could be on the cards at any moment, so while some things may remain fantasy, there is a bloody good chance they won't. I have also accidentally thrown myself under the bus on a few occasions. During 'fantasy' talk, being a dominant person with a primarily dominant sexual drive, I have mooted extra touches to MT's perversions which would enhance matters. It is like for a brief second I am her co-conspirator plotting the downfall of some third party rather than it being about me. In the heat of the moment, it has seemed like a good idea, and as it has been fantasy degradation stuff early on I never took it seriously. Unfortunately, on a few occasions MT has pounced on some concept, usually added some even worse perversions and then told me she will actually do (insert perversions) when she can arrange it/ has the opportunity. Or she just does it without warning. You know, 'casually'.
I must learn to keep my mouth shut more, (especially when I have a hard on).
I understand there will be some people who would hold the opinion that I actually want some of the acts forced onto me, because the act itself is something I want. This could not be further from the truth, but it is hard to explain. It is the act of being totally humiliated that is the driver, absolutely not whatever the actual act is. The act has to be something I really intensely do not want to have the impact of being so humiliating. I would get nothing whatsoever out of being forced to do something I internally desired in any way, it would just be pointless. Overall, of course I have to do whatever MT wants me to do, but the key thing with MT usually is ' if I like something, there is less chance of me getting it ' unless it is something she wants purely for herself, or she decides to give me a treat, which does happen sometimes.
There are still many things I would really hate to do, MT has mooted some of them and they are horrifying to me, some because of the physical pain element and others because of the sheer and total humiliation and degradation of them. I also know, that within that pretty head of hers lies a myriad of other things not mentioned or hinted at that will no doubt come to pass in the fullness of time. This small element of our O/p, being kept in a constant state of fear and trepidation, is an integral part of our life and it is something I now perversely value. It never lets me forget what she's capable of. I want to give my all in every possible way to MT, by being pushed into places I do not want to go and having to do things totally against what my own fundamental desires are. It makes her happy and it makes me very aware that I am owned.
Monday 14 February 2011
My Darling Valentine
Well, Valentines Day, my dreaded day of the year........well it has been so much better this year and I feel so relieved about it :). I think there were a number of factors that have made it better. MT being so unwell, me being busy looking after her, and being busy with work, my slavery to MT (I wanted to be better for her benefit, as much, if not more than mine as the 'mood' really adversely affected everyone around me). Also I think this blog helped, in two main ways, firstly, the cathartic process, starting it early helped ie well before V-Day and the kind and helpful support I got from people who posted on the blog or messaged me, a very big thank you to each of you.
Of course, a few little bits have drifted into the cerebral area (well there is a lot of space there) but nothing too bad and more importantly, it has not affected my mood or behaviour.
MT and I have had a quiet day, but a nice day none the less, MT got me a great personal card from Moonpig, (internet shopping is really convenient when you can't get out). I was of course a good romantic slave and purchased a card, chocolates and flowers, boring and typical, but well liked and received by MT which is what matters. I had hoped to take her out for a romantic lunch, but her health and other events conspired against us. On a positive side, it meant I saved a few bob, Scrooge had nothing on me.
Unfortunately, I was unfaithful today, MT gave me permission to take Cati out for a V-Day treat and I rode her hard, very hard. She is such a great ride, she likes it hard and fast just like me. We did not care that everyone could hear us or the fact they could see us both in action. It is V-Day after all, a day for passion and romance and to cast aside caution and go for your true love. We twisted, turned, and I made her howl like only she can, I love the throaty sound of her as she reaches her peak.
We got back home with smiles on both our faces, we were both exhausted but both fulfilled. I gently caressed her damp body and dried her before snuggling her up into bed. Love is a many splendoured thing.
MT was pleased I had a good ride, she had said ' I am not well, you might as well go out with Cati and enjoy yourself ' so I did. I do feel a little guilty about it now, now that the pleasure has worn off a little. But MT did suggest it, being poly has some advantages.
Cati - Full Body Exposure
Close Up: Cati's Rear End...God, She's Fucking Hot.
Of course, a few little bits have drifted into the cerebral area (well there is a lot of space there) but nothing too bad and more importantly, it has not affected my mood or behaviour.
MT and I have had a quiet day, but a nice day none the less, MT got me a great personal card from Moonpig, (internet shopping is really convenient when you can't get out). I was of course a good romantic slave and purchased a card, chocolates and flowers, boring and typical, but well liked and received by MT which is what matters. I had hoped to take her out for a romantic lunch, but her health and other events conspired against us. On a positive side, it meant I saved a few bob, Scrooge had nothing on me.
Unfortunately, I was unfaithful today, MT gave me permission to take Cati out for a V-Day treat and I rode her hard, very hard. She is such a great ride, she likes it hard and fast just like me. We did not care that everyone could hear us or the fact they could see us both in action. It is V-Day after all, a day for passion and romance and to cast aside caution and go for your true love. We twisted, turned, and I made her howl like only she can, I love the throaty sound of her as she reaches her peak.
We got back home with smiles on both our faces, we were both exhausted but both fulfilled. I gently caressed her damp body and dried her before snuggling her up into bed. Love is a many splendoured thing.
MT was pleased I had a good ride, she had said ' I am not well, you might as well go out with Cati and enjoy yourself ' so I did. I do feel a little guilty about it now, now that the pleasure has worn off a little. But MT did suggest it, being poly has some advantages.
Warning: Adult photographic material.
Cati - Full Body Exposure
Close Up: Cati's Rear End...God, She's Fucking Hot.
Sunday 13 February 2011
Bleeding Love.
On yesterdays blog I talked about how I deal with pain whilst I am receiving it. The actual physical element at the time obviously gains my attention somewhat. As I have mentioned I hate pain and will try to avoid receiving it whenever possible. The physical after-effects are easier for me to deal with, as the intensity of the pain will be far less than it was at the time it was inflicted. There have been times, however, where the pain of the aftermath has been very intense. The cuts, bruises and swelling can be very unpleasant and act as a physical reminder of my place as MT's property.
The biggest impacts for me though are not the physical ones, but the the psychological ones. After physical use I often feel very relaxed, totally destressed, I often feel very contented and calm. I also have an intensified feeling of being owned, I find this part hard to explain, it is just the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel so close to MT, I feel pleased I have made her happy by taking the pain, I feel like I have been able to give her something that is special to her. The harder the use has been, usually the greater the
feeling I have pleased her. This makes me feel I have given her good service and I know that she is pleased by that.
Some of the time I feel like I need a bit of extra love and affection after physical use, other times I do not, there does not seem to be a pattern I can define.On very rare occasions, I sometimes feel a 'little hard done by' and sorry for myself. I have noticed when this happens that I tend to withdraw into myself for a while. I become introverted and like to be pretty much left alone, I can become quite silent and even sullen. It is a strange feeling, sometimes it has been when i have felt ' if she really loved me how could she hurt me so much'? It then takes a little time for me to process it, to deal with it, to re-affirm internally that I know I am loved. In some ways it is probably easier for me to reconcile this than it is for some people, as I know MT is a sadist and she does it for her pleasure, and also, to keep me in line (and as a sadist myself I have a personal recognition of that urge).
So in a way, it is more acceptable, more normal, because it is all part of her.
This is not me 'throwing myself under the bus', BUT, the reality is, if I am not used physically for a while I actually start to feel as though I am not loved as much. I know it is total bollocks, especially when the main reason I do not get physical use is when MT is too ill to move. It is one of those things where rationality goes a little out of the window and feelings take over. But I suppose that is where I often differ from other members of my gender, I see no weakness in either having 'feelings' or displaying them or making them public.
The biggest impacts for me though are not the physical ones, but the the psychological ones. After physical use I often feel very relaxed, totally destressed, I often feel very contented and calm. I also have an intensified feeling of being owned, I find this part hard to explain, it is just the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel so close to MT, I feel pleased I have made her happy by taking the pain, I feel like I have been able to give her something that is special to her. The harder the use has been, usually the greater the
feeling I have pleased her. This makes me feel I have given her good service and I know that she is pleased by that.
Some of the time I feel like I need a bit of extra love and affection after physical use, other times I do not, there does not seem to be a pattern I can define.On very rare occasions, I sometimes feel a 'little hard done by' and sorry for myself. I have noticed when this happens that I tend to withdraw into myself for a while. I become introverted and like to be pretty much left alone, I can become quite silent and even sullen. It is a strange feeling, sometimes it has been when i have felt ' if she really loved me how could she hurt me so much'? It then takes a little time for me to process it, to deal with it, to re-affirm internally that I know I am loved. In some ways it is probably easier for me to reconcile this than it is for some people, as I know MT is a sadist and she does it for her pleasure, and also, to keep me in line (and as a sadist myself I have a personal recognition of that urge).
So in a way, it is more acceptable, more normal, because it is all part of her.
This is not me 'throwing myself under the bus', BUT, the reality is, if I am not used physically for a while I actually start to feel as though I am not loved as much. I know it is total bollocks, especially when the main reason I do not get physical use is when MT is too ill to move. It is one of those things where rationality goes a little out of the window and feelings take over. But I suppose that is where I often differ from other members of my gender, I see no weakness in either having 'feelings' or displaying them or making them public.
The main way I experience physical pain for MT when she is this ill is by my flesh being cut and her drinking my blood. This is especially beneficial to her when she's ill as it always makes her feel better than she was, even when she's very ill. It is a very important thing to her. The last few times she has been too unwell to even cut me herself safely though so I have cut my own inner arm and put it to her mouth as she's been lying down when she's been very very ill. She likes that, it's something she sees as very special and intimate and it obviously means a lot to her, especially when she's ill. I also like it though I hate the pain (which owing to how fiercely she sucks can be very intense) as it's something I know always makes her feel better even when nothing else does. It feels like good service to provide her with the thing she really craves even when she's this ill and can't do it herself. It's very very intimate and she says it always makes her feel better to some degree even when nothing else does.
Saturday 12 February 2011
When it hurts
One of the things I find really hard in our O/p relationship relates to being owned by a sadist. Now if one was a masochist, this would seem like a match made in heaven. Unfortunately for me, I am not a masochist in the normal use of the word. As I have said before generally speaking, I totally hate pain and derive no direct sexual arousal from being subjected to pain.There are a few exceptions, but these are very specific things and even then it is not a guaranteed response.
I am by nature a sadist, and so is MT, I have never had any desire to be sadistic to MT, MT just loves to be sadistic to me, which is also unfortunate. There is very little that arouses her as much as inflicting pain on me, lots of pain and it really turns her on. She becomes almost like a wild animal sometimes, especially when blood flows, she is always in control but her wild side not so much emerges, it sort of leaps out at me.
Taking the pain is so hard for me, even though I have a very high pain threshold. I have had several broken bones in the past which I did not seek medical attention for, (not from MT I hasten to mention).But the pain I get from MT is often far more unbearable than those breaks. On many occasions I just want it to stop, at the time, I want it to stop more than anything else in the world and would probably agree to anything. Well I have to anyway, but you know what I mean.
I grit my teeth, I clench my fists, tense every bone and ligament at the lowest levels of pain I gasp. As the pain intensifies I hear myself grunt, shout, swear, scream, beg, plead, swear more, sometimes go totally quiet, I sweat profusely, sometimes shake, beg even more and when it really becomes so bad I cry. It may start with what humiliatingly could be called 'snivelling' and then proceed to full on crying or just gushes into full on crying and uncontrollable sobbing, sometimes accompanied by more screams.
Sometimes I want to say 'fuck off', sometimes I want to 'demand' it stops, sometimes I even think 'how can she hurt me like this when she is supposed to love me' . But deep inside, I know she loves me, even at the worst moments, I even think that perhaps there is an element of 'she wants to hurt me this much because she loves me so much'.
Some might wonder how I deal with this, well the physical pain is 'difficult' , that's a really big understatement. I get through it by thinking about the bigger things.Perhaps this goes some way to explain it;
I belong to MT, she is free to use me however and whenever she wants in any way she wants, that is her right.
As her property it is my place to accept and take anything she gives me, as willingly and cooperatively as I can.
I knew she was a sadist when I met her, I was fully aware of this, therefore I accepted this when I asked to be owned by her.
MT really enjoys being sadistic to me, it meets a need in her, she finds it arousing and fulfilling.
MT loves the fact I hate pain and yet take it so freely for her, it pleases her, it makes her happy. And I love to make he happy.
I like being able to give her this, it is something many would not be able to give her, but I can, I love pleasing her.
An important thing I often have to remind myself is that it is NOT about what I want, it is not about ME, everything is about HER.And that helps me get through it.
PS. MT is still in a lot of pain and is feeling very unwell. We would both like to thank everyone who has been supportive, it is really nice to have so many people who send such kind words.
I am by nature a sadist, and so is MT, I have never had any desire to be sadistic to MT, MT just loves to be sadistic to me, which is also unfortunate. There is very little that arouses her as much as inflicting pain on me, lots of pain and it really turns her on. She becomes almost like a wild animal sometimes, especially when blood flows, she is always in control but her wild side not so much emerges, it sort of leaps out at me.
Taking the pain is so hard for me, even though I have a very high pain threshold. I have had several broken bones in the past which I did not seek medical attention for, (not from MT I hasten to mention).But the pain I get from MT is often far more unbearable than those breaks. On many occasions I just want it to stop, at the time, I want it to stop more than anything else in the world and would probably agree to anything. Well I have to anyway, but you know what I mean.
I grit my teeth, I clench my fists, tense every bone and ligament at the lowest levels of pain I gasp. As the pain intensifies I hear myself grunt, shout, swear, scream, beg, plead, swear more, sometimes go totally quiet, I sweat profusely, sometimes shake, beg even more and when it really becomes so bad I cry. It may start with what humiliatingly could be called 'snivelling' and then proceed to full on crying or just gushes into full on crying and uncontrollable sobbing, sometimes accompanied by more screams.
Sometimes I want to say 'fuck off', sometimes I want to 'demand' it stops, sometimes I even think 'how can she hurt me like this when she is supposed to love me' . But deep inside, I know she loves me, even at the worst moments, I even think that perhaps there is an element of 'she wants to hurt me this much because she loves me so much'.
Some might wonder how I deal with this, well the physical pain is 'difficult' , that's a really big understatement. I get through it by thinking about the bigger things.Perhaps this goes some way to explain it;
I belong to MT, she is free to use me however and whenever she wants in any way she wants, that is her right.
As her property it is my place to accept and take anything she gives me, as willingly and cooperatively as I can.
I knew she was a sadist when I met her, I was fully aware of this, therefore I accepted this when I asked to be owned by her.
MT really enjoys being sadistic to me, it meets a need in her, she finds it arousing and fulfilling.
MT loves the fact I hate pain and yet take it so freely for her, it pleases her, it makes her happy. And I love to make he happy.
I like being able to give her this, it is something many would not be able to give her, but I can, I love pleasing her.
An important thing I often have to remind myself is that it is NOT about what I want, it is not about ME, everything is about HER.And that helps me get through it.
PS. MT is still in a lot of pain and is feeling very unwell. We would both like to thank everyone who has been supportive, it is really nice to have so many people who send such kind words.
Friday 11 February 2011
Naivety starts with an 'N'.
In hindsight, when I asked MT to be her property I did not fully realise the full implications of what it meant to be property. I had, as a dominant 28 years experience in power exchange (PE) relationships, but O/p as the owned party was so different, to say I was naive would be a total understatement.
The biggest difference which comes first to mind, is the aspect of cohabiting and thus having the PE 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There are no breaks, no days off from being a slave, unlike some of my other PE experiences where there were always gaps for some reason or the other.Sometimes, purely on the basis I wanted time and space for myself, to do whatever it was I wanted to do and this had been important to me.
Losing the ability to do as I pleased, whenever I wanted, was such a huge loss, it had a major impact, every day, day in day out, in so many ways. I had also totally underestimated the extent of what my owner would want to control. I never envisaged having to ask if I could have an alcoholic drink, to ask for treats such as a cake etc.
Then there were the limitations, the things I could no longer do at all e.g. go out whenever I wanted, spend money on whatever I wanted etc
Then there were the things I could only do if I gained permission first, I sometimes felt like I was a child again, 'may I please use the toilet?', 'may I please have an orgasm?' etc, I never thought I would have to do these things, somehow it just never occurred to me.
Then of course there was the other big thing being made to do things I really did not want to do or having to do things precisely when MT wanted me to do them.This was also unexpected in terms of the impact it would have on me. Being micromanaged as well as macro managed sometimes felt impossible to deal with.
Probably the biggest taboo was forced sex acts with other males, I never, never thought I would have to do this and truly thought I would never do it, under any circumstances, owned or not. But, when the time came, I did. I hated it and still do, but MT likes it and it also amuses her to see me struggle so much.
Then of course there is the humiliation, being 24/7 it can happen anywhere at any time. I never know when MT will strike, I never imagined it would become part of my life.
I expect, anyone reading this might well be thinking ' Well what the fuck did you think it was going to be like? Just carry on as before doing whatever you pleased' ? The honest answer is, I really had not thought it through anywhere near well enough. The fact I have made numerous women do all the things I have referenced here still didn't make it even occur to me that any of these things might be on the cards for me. I loved being submissive to MT, I loved her, I wanted to be with her, it felt 'right' it felt where I belonged. Not being with her felt wrong, having any limits felt wrong. What she would do with that though never really occurred to me, even when the signs and evidence was all there.
I just wanted to belong to her, in truth, as it transpires, I did not have a clue as to the extent she would own me and if anyone had told me I would end up like I have done I would have laughed in their face and told them not to be so fucking stupid.... shows how much I know.
The biggest difference which comes first to mind, is the aspect of cohabiting and thus having the PE 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There are no breaks, no days off from being a slave, unlike some of my other PE experiences where there were always gaps for some reason or the other.Sometimes, purely on the basis I wanted time and space for myself, to do whatever it was I wanted to do and this had been important to me.
Losing the ability to do as I pleased, whenever I wanted, was such a huge loss, it had a major impact, every day, day in day out, in so many ways. I had also totally underestimated the extent of what my owner would want to control. I never envisaged having to ask if I could have an alcoholic drink, to ask for treats such as a cake etc.
Then there were the limitations, the things I could no longer do at all e.g. go out whenever I wanted, spend money on whatever I wanted etc
Then there were the things I could only do if I gained permission first, I sometimes felt like I was a child again, 'may I please use the toilet?', 'may I please have an orgasm?' etc, I never thought I would have to do these things, somehow it just never occurred to me.
Then of course there was the other big thing being made to do things I really did not want to do or having to do things precisely when MT wanted me to do them.This was also unexpected in terms of the impact it would have on me. Being micromanaged as well as macro managed sometimes felt impossible to deal with.
Probably the biggest taboo was forced sex acts with other males, I never, never thought I would have to do this and truly thought I would never do it, under any circumstances, owned or not. But, when the time came, I did. I hated it and still do, but MT likes it and it also amuses her to see me struggle so much.
Then of course there is the humiliation, being 24/7 it can happen anywhere at any time. I never know when MT will strike, I never imagined it would become part of my life.
I expect, anyone reading this might well be thinking ' Well what the fuck did you think it was going to be like? Just carry on as before doing whatever you pleased' ? The honest answer is, I really had not thought it through anywhere near well enough. The fact I have made numerous women do all the things I have referenced here still didn't make it even occur to me that any of these things might be on the cards for me. I loved being submissive to MT, I loved her, I wanted to be with her, it felt 'right' it felt where I belonged. Not being with her felt wrong, having any limits felt wrong. What she would do with that though never really occurred to me, even when the signs and evidence was all there.
I just wanted to belong to her, in truth, as it transpires, I did not have a clue as to the extent she would own me and if anyone had told me I would end up like I have done I would have laughed in their face and told them not to be so fucking stupid.... shows how much I know.
Thursday 10 February 2011
Perceptions
Sometimes I forget what a strange existence O/p must seem to the majority of the human race. I also still find it incredible that I have become part of this strange phenomena in the way that I have. To those on the outside, we must seem quite bizarre, giving up all rights and all control to another person, leaving ourselves totally dependent on someone else.The fact we choose to live this way must really spin their heads.
Just out of curiosity, I sometimes wonder what they really think we must be like as individuals, and collectively. I wonder if they perceive us as people without strength/ ability/ self esteem/ courage/ drive etc ? Do they see us as needy non functioning misfits who just want to to be controlled so that they do not have to make decisions or be responsible for their own actions ?
Of course, there will be a significant percentage of people who remain ignorant of our existence at all or of the whole principle of power exchange relationships at any level. To some, those who engage in BDSM are considered perverts and deviants who should have no place in society, imagine what those people would make of O/p.
The great thing about it though, is it does not matter to me at all what they think, it is my life and I am free to live it how I choose. I can honestly say that I find my life now much more fulfilling than before being property. I feel like it is where I belong.
In my opinion and from my own experience, to become property takes great strength, resilience, resolve, bravery and adventurousness. To me it was impossible to foresee what it would actually be like without having actually committing myself to it. I might have had romantic notions, and some level headed preconceptions but it transpired to be so much more and so much harder than I could have imagined.
Nor did I perceive what a moving beast it would be, how when I thought I could not be any more enslaved than I was I would suddenly find myself launched onto yet another level. And I did not know, that sometimes, it would become so hard it would seem like my first day at it. The levels build and build and I find myself so far removed from the being I was when I first became enslaved. I know, I am only part of the way along an experience that will only terminate when life expires. I look forward to my future knowing I am in safe hands, knowing I will continue to grow and evolve.
_____
MT is still very unwell. She reports that her pain levels have decreased sightly which is positive, but she is looking very unwell, clearly in a lot of pain, and sleeping a lot. I really hope that she will start to feel better and be back to her normal self soon.
Just out of curiosity, I sometimes wonder what they really think we must be like as individuals, and collectively. I wonder if they perceive us as people without strength/ ability/ self esteem/ courage/ drive etc ? Do they see us as needy non functioning misfits who just want to to be controlled so that they do not have to make decisions or be responsible for their own actions ?
Of course, there will be a significant percentage of people who remain ignorant of our existence at all or of the whole principle of power exchange relationships at any level. To some, those who engage in BDSM are considered perverts and deviants who should have no place in society, imagine what those people would make of O/p.
The great thing about it though, is it does not matter to me at all what they think, it is my life and I am free to live it how I choose. I can honestly say that I find my life now much more fulfilling than before being property. I feel like it is where I belong.
In my opinion and from my own experience, to become property takes great strength, resilience, resolve, bravery and adventurousness. To me it was impossible to foresee what it would actually be like without having actually committing myself to it. I might have had romantic notions, and some level headed preconceptions but it transpired to be so much more and so much harder than I could have imagined.
Nor did I perceive what a moving beast it would be, how when I thought I could not be any more enslaved than I was I would suddenly find myself launched onto yet another level. And I did not know, that sometimes, it would become so hard it would seem like my first day at it. The levels build and build and I find myself so far removed from the being I was when I first became enslaved. I know, I am only part of the way along an experience that will only terminate when life expires. I look forward to my future knowing I am in safe hands, knowing I will continue to grow and evolve.
_____
MT is still very unwell. She reports that her pain levels have decreased sightly which is positive, but she is looking very unwell, clearly in a lot of pain, and sleeping a lot. I really hope that she will start to feel better and be back to her normal self soon.
Wednesday 9 February 2011
My owner's a pain.
There are many things I love about our O/p relationship, but there are a few things that are not only 'not loved' but actually very intensely disliked. The aspect I dislike the most is pain, I am not really a masochist, generally speaking I get no sexual gratification from pain (there are one or two exceptions but I seldom get those acts). I seldom get anything that I actively like, usually the opposite applies.
I hate pain and unfortunately, I happen to be in love with a very harsh sadist. It is however, strangely also one of the reasons I love her so much. Confused? Well, although I hate it, she knows I 'benefit' from it, I do not really understand why I need it but it just feels right and afterwards I feel very calm, loved and importantly, very very very owned.
I have several different responses to pain and I never really know which one will manifest itself until I start to feel it. There are times when I really, and I mean really totally fucking resent it. There have been occasions where I have just wanted to say 'just fucking well stop you fucking bitch' or I have really had to stop myself from just getting up and fucking off somewhere, or the worst where I have felt like getting up and smashing the pain giving device.
Then there are the main times where after the initial angst/ anger/ fear etc I just settle into it, knowing that there is nothing I can do but take it. Knowing that no matter how much I plead, no matter how much I beg, or scream or shout or swear or break and cry it will go on for however long MT wants it to. I know totally that I am powerless in this scenario, unless there is some medical reason or extreme psychological trigger issue which she responds to.
There are times when the pain is the result of MT using me sexually, the same applies. No matter how much it hurts or how much I scream or cry it continues until MT has had enough. As an ex Dom and as a sadist I not only understand this, but also respect and admire it. Live by the sword die by the sword seems an apt phrase. There is also probably quite a lot of karma about it, I never thought I would ever end up on the receiving end, literally. MT is right, lube is a 'privilege' and not a right.
At the moment, due to MT being unwell, I have had a few weeks where there has not been any pain (apart from seeing MT unwell). I am missing it, yet I do not want it, I know I need it, I need it quite badly. It keeps me calm, keeps me focused, it helps to keep me in line, it reinforces our O/p and it makes me feel loved. She really has done a good job on me hasn't she?
The really big positive thing about taking this pain for MT is because she loves it so much. It makes her so happy to see me in so much pain/ agony and she loves the fact I am taking it for her, to please her, especially as she knows I hate it so much. She knows she goes way beyond any line I would draw, it's part of what she likes. She really does get a kick out of my pain, she becomes so aroused, so animated and so animalistic... she is never more beautiful or as alluring as when she is like this. She glows.
Of course there is also the emotional/ psychological sadism, but I will save that for another day.
I hate pain and unfortunately, I happen to be in love with a very harsh sadist. It is however, strangely also one of the reasons I love her so much. Confused? Well, although I hate it, she knows I 'benefit' from it, I do not really understand why I need it but it just feels right and afterwards I feel very calm, loved and importantly, very very very owned.
I have several different responses to pain and I never really know which one will manifest itself until I start to feel it. There are times when I really, and I mean really totally fucking resent it. There have been occasions where I have just wanted to say 'just fucking well stop you fucking bitch' or I have really had to stop myself from just getting up and fucking off somewhere, or the worst where I have felt like getting up and smashing the pain giving device.
Then there are the main times where after the initial angst/ anger/ fear etc I just settle into it, knowing that there is nothing I can do but take it. Knowing that no matter how much I plead, no matter how much I beg, or scream or shout or swear or break and cry it will go on for however long MT wants it to. I know totally that I am powerless in this scenario, unless there is some medical reason or extreme psychological trigger issue which she responds to.
There are times when the pain is the result of MT using me sexually, the same applies. No matter how much it hurts or how much I scream or cry it continues until MT has had enough. As an ex Dom and as a sadist I not only understand this, but also respect and admire it. Live by the sword die by the sword seems an apt phrase. There is also probably quite a lot of karma about it, I never thought I would ever end up on the receiving end, literally. MT is right, lube is a 'privilege' and not a right.
At the moment, due to MT being unwell, I have had a few weeks where there has not been any pain (apart from seeing MT unwell). I am missing it, yet I do not want it, I know I need it, I need it quite badly. It keeps me calm, keeps me focused, it helps to keep me in line, it reinforces our O/p and it makes me feel loved. She really has done a good job on me hasn't she?
The really big positive thing about taking this pain for MT is because she loves it so much. It makes her so happy to see me in so much pain/ agony and she loves the fact I am taking it for her, to please her, especially as she knows I hate it so much. She knows she goes way beyond any line I would draw, it's part of what she likes. She really does get a kick out of my pain, she becomes so aroused, so animated and so animalistic... she is never more beautiful or as alluring as when she is like this. She glows.
Of course there is also the emotional/ psychological sadism, but I will save that for another day.
Tuesday 8 February 2011
The last few days have been particularly difficult and busy due to MT being so unwell. The juggling of giving time to everyone and everything is proving difficult, but we are managing. Thanks to all who have been supportive, we both really appreciate it. Oh and a big fuck off to those who have been difficult in recent days.
Even Cati was unwell, she failed her MOT yesterday, her little rear lights weren't working. I am pleased to say she underwent her operation today and has been cured and has made a full recovery, her rear is now fully functional thank God.
I really hope MT feels better soon, I can not explain how much I hate seeing her like this, especially as can do nothing to ease her pain.
In some ways, MT's health has overridden my Valentines Day (VD, how apt) angst, wallowing in the past seems so irrelevant at the moment, the focus has to be on the here and now.
I am still missing our physical side, all of it, even the really fucking hurty bits as well as the shagging of course.
I have never been in a relationship before where there has ever been a question mark over who gets shagged, it was easy, I did all the 'in out bits' it all seemed so simple then, now there is MT and all her 'I'm in charge stuff.'. I think I can make an educated guess as to whose arse will be up in the air when she feels better.
This slave stuff would be so much easier if owners did not want to control everything.
Even Cati was unwell, she failed her MOT yesterday, her little rear lights weren't working. I am pleased to say she underwent her operation today and has been cured and has made a full recovery, her rear is now fully functional thank God.
I really hope MT feels better soon, I can not explain how much I hate seeing her like this, especially as can do nothing to ease her pain.
In some ways, MT's health has overridden my Valentines Day (VD, how apt) angst, wallowing in the past seems so irrelevant at the moment, the focus has to be on the here and now.
I am still missing our physical side, all of it, even the really fucking hurty bits as well as the shagging of course.
I have never been in a relationship before where there has ever been a question mark over who gets shagged, it was easy, I did all the 'in out bits' it all seemed so simple then, now there is MT and all her 'I'm in charge stuff.'. I think I can make an educated guess as to whose arse will be up in the air when she feels better.
This slave stuff would be so much easier if owners did not want to control everything.
Monday 7 February 2011
Dragged kicking and screaming
We had a successful visit to the hospital today. The consultant was really helpful and is changing her medication to another type which will hopefully improve things for her. She will have to wait about 8 weeks to start the new medication. MT is in a significant amount of pain today and has had to take a lot of strong painkillers.She really is not functioning very well, but is bearing up remarkably well. I just wish I could take all of her pain away from her and take it myself.
When MT and I first started out together we instantly fell into a D/s relationship. This was a massive shock to my system, and my arse. I was suddenly swept/ dragged along in a tidal wave of submission. I remember thinking to myself the very first time we were 'active' 'who the fuck does she think she is doing that to me'? and 'you cant do that, it just isn't right '. In total fairness, she had asked if I had any limits, and stupidly I had underestimated her and said 'no, do whatever you want'. At the time, I was made to regret that bravado many many times over.
MT is what I would consider to be a natural sadist, it is part of her nature, not the biggest part, but an intrinsic one. She seems to love everything about it. The hunt, the chase and finally the kill, but of course there is no kill and for good reason, the fun would be over, far better to wound and keep your victim alive so you can use them again...and again, whenever and wherever she wants. For my part, I was hooked, I had never wanted this consciously, I had spent most of my life as the hunter, now I had become the prey. I found that being the prey actually gave me a massive buzz, the fear , the unknown, the pain, the humiliation, being made to submit, and also choosing to submit.
The harsh reality of losing control actually scared me, yet it excited me at the same time, having to yield like I had never done before, it was all so fucking weird, yet at the same time so wonderful, so new so refreshing. There were, however, times when I did not want to yield, where the old me kept rushing to the surface like someone drowning and gasping for air, for life itself. Sometimes this made things difficult, almost impossible, but it was a combination of things that resolved these difficulties. MT's natural dominance, her determination, and most significant, our love for each other, my desire to please her overrode my desire to try to defeat her. And, importantly, I had many years experience of being the dominant one in relationships and each one had run its course and it had always been me who had ended them. So, it was time to try something new, to throw myself on MT's sword.. .and her strap on as it transpired, and to just submit to her.
It is an ongoing journey, up hills (sometimes mountains), down mountains, sometimes falling, sometimes tumbling and sometimes abseiling and sometimes just taking time and making a slow deliberate descent. There are many obstacles, some real, some perceived and some which still sometimes feel insurmountable.
I do not know what our destination is, I do not even know if there is one, I do not know how far we will travel or how long it will take, but there is one thing I know for certain - we will make the journey together and arrive wherever we end up, together and more fulfilled than we ever would have been had we never ventured out together.
Ok , just used up a whole years worth of gush in one blog.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...Oh that feels better, much more masculine now :)
When MT and I first started out together we instantly fell into a D/s relationship. This was a massive shock to my system, and my arse. I was suddenly swept/ dragged along in a tidal wave of submission. I remember thinking to myself the very first time we were 'active' 'who the fuck does she think she is doing that to me'? and 'you cant do that, it just isn't right '. In total fairness, she had asked if I had any limits, and stupidly I had underestimated her and said 'no, do whatever you want'. At the time, I was made to regret that bravado many many times over.
MT is what I would consider to be a natural sadist, it is part of her nature, not the biggest part, but an intrinsic one. She seems to love everything about it. The hunt, the chase and finally the kill, but of course there is no kill and for good reason, the fun would be over, far better to wound and keep your victim alive so you can use them again...and again, whenever and wherever she wants. For my part, I was hooked, I had never wanted this consciously, I had spent most of my life as the hunter, now I had become the prey. I found that being the prey actually gave me a massive buzz, the fear , the unknown, the pain, the humiliation, being made to submit, and also choosing to submit.
The harsh reality of losing control actually scared me, yet it excited me at the same time, having to yield like I had never done before, it was all so fucking weird, yet at the same time so wonderful, so new so refreshing. There were, however, times when I did not want to yield, where the old me kept rushing to the surface like someone drowning and gasping for air, for life itself. Sometimes this made things difficult, almost impossible, but it was a combination of things that resolved these difficulties. MT's natural dominance, her determination, and most significant, our love for each other, my desire to please her overrode my desire to try to defeat her. And, importantly, I had many years experience of being the dominant one in relationships and each one had run its course and it had always been me who had ended them. So, it was time to try something new, to throw myself on MT's sword.. .and her strap on as it transpired, and to just submit to her.
It is an ongoing journey, up hills (sometimes mountains), down mountains, sometimes falling, sometimes tumbling and sometimes abseiling and sometimes just taking time and making a slow deliberate descent. There are many obstacles, some real, some perceived and some which still sometimes feel insurmountable.
I do not know what our destination is, I do not even know if there is one, I do not know how far we will travel or how long it will take, but there is one thing I know for certain - we will make the journey together and arrive wherever we end up, together and more fulfilled than we ever would have been had we never ventured out together.
Ok , just used up a whole years worth of gush in one blog.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...Oh that feels better, much more masculine now :)
Sunday 6 February 2011
Other rabbit holes.
MT is feeling a little bit better today mainly as she's very drugged up. At least she is feeling better though which has cheered me up a little, hopefully it is the start of an upturn leading back to a good spell. I am also hopeful that our trip to see the consultant tomorrow will be beneficial. Today has been a relaxing one apart from a major clean of the sitting room. Tomorrow will be hectic, gym, shopping, travel to hospital and back, motorbike MOT, and then cooking and cleaning....life in the fast line.
My life has always been a little hectic and until recently very definitely lived in the fast lane. I should have learnt the lesson, ' you reap what you sow' many years earlier than I did. But I didn't and that's why so much of my life was a bit of a mess at times, even when it was great. There was a huge amount of adventure and fun but there has also been a lot of fallout.
As I wrote before, at 13 years of age a new era started for me. I decided then that I would do whatever I wanted to do and I would take control of my life for better or worse. It was a year stuffed to the brim with experiences, many of them not exactly what a 13 year old should have been doing, especially in 1969. Smoking had been discovered when I was 11 years old, but Dear daddy had caught me and made me smoke and inhale 5 cigarettes without a break until I vomited, it sort of put me off a bit - well for two years anyway. So I re-started smoking at 13 and then commenced straight on to my next venture, alcohol. This caused quite a few little issues, I became quite violent when I had been drinking and got involved in quite a few fracas.I liked the way the alcohol made me feel invisible, the way it numbed my brain and the way it helped me get through some of the tougher times. Of course it was no solution to anything, but at the time, it served a purpose.
After a heavy drinking session in town I got so drunk one night I could not walk and allegedly was found by two police officers crawling along the gutter in a side street. I say allegedly, because I do not remember being arrested and thrown into the back of the police car, I was informed later on when being questioned. Apparently, I was so drunk I could not even give my name and address, it was 11-00pm when I was arrested and took until about 05-00 am to give the information so my father could be contacted and to come and collect me, which he did. I do not remember the beating I got because I was so drunk still, which was a really good thing. When I sobered up, which was about 6-00 pm and looked in the mirror I was shocked at how I looked. A massive black eye, swollen nose with dried blood, cut mouth and various lumps and bruises all over my face, being an ex boxer, Dad was quite handy with his fists. Part of me can understand his reaction and actions but it was a brutal attack, but then I used to get pretty much the same when I had not done anything wrong.
I also got expelled from school at 13, a boy had damaged my woodwork project deliberately so I had hit him. The teacher grabbed me by the throat and threw me against a wall and raised his fist threatening to punch me. I retaliated by grabbing his throat and pushing him up against the wall. Of course, this led to yet another beating from Dad, but he did get me re-instated. He threatened to press assault charges against the teacher, I had a severe bump on the back of my head where he had thrown me against the wall. The headmaster decided to reinstate me, but I did not do woodwork anymore, so there was a plus side.
I decided that alcohol was bad for me. It was expensive, gave me hangovers and made me violent. So I decided to give it up as a method of recreation. Of course, there had to be a replacement, and of course that had to be drugs. Well it was actually cheaper to get off your face on them, not such drastic direct side effects and they made the world seem so much better, even pretty sometimes and they were readily available. So I entered the world of blues, dexxies and bombers etc....and then life really did start to get hectic.
The intervening thirty seven years between then as a child and meeting MT at the age of fifty saw many 'adventurous' choices, though the drugs were ditched along the way. Many of these I do not regret, but many I do. I was never out of control, I just completely threw myself into my escapades. MT freely admits she is a thrill seeker too, and in some ways she is a bigger thrill seeker than I ever was. Her thrill seeking tends to use more considered judgment though, and stays within defined boundaries.
My wayward experiences stood me in very good stead when I became an Officer in the Fire Service because I had an understanding of alcohol and drug related, and various other compulsive/ destructive issues. This enabled me to not only be able to deal with the issues more effectively but also to be able to determine all the associated lies and deceptions that come within that world, and enabled me to manage more effectively. MT does not use drugs (which is probably why her medication drugs her up so hard) but she understands and responds to people's compulsion to extreme behaviours well.
So the astute might really start to see why it was a good idea for me to belong to MT. No one else has ever been able to exert even a modicum of control over me, but MT ensures my negative past behaviour stays where it belongs, in the past and there is no way it will ever become my present or future. The fact she manages to do this while capitalising on the advantages of my various experiences is pretty impressive - I never managed to utilize one without the other.
My life has always been a little hectic and until recently very definitely lived in the fast lane. I should have learnt the lesson, ' you reap what you sow' many years earlier than I did. But I didn't and that's why so much of my life was a bit of a mess at times, even when it was great. There was a huge amount of adventure and fun but there has also been a lot of fallout.
As I wrote before, at 13 years of age a new era started for me. I decided then that I would do whatever I wanted to do and I would take control of my life for better or worse. It was a year stuffed to the brim with experiences, many of them not exactly what a 13 year old should have been doing, especially in 1969. Smoking had been discovered when I was 11 years old, but Dear daddy had caught me and made me smoke and inhale 5 cigarettes without a break until I vomited, it sort of put me off a bit - well for two years anyway. So I re-started smoking at 13 and then commenced straight on to my next venture, alcohol. This caused quite a few little issues, I became quite violent when I had been drinking and got involved in quite a few fracas.I liked the way the alcohol made me feel invisible, the way it numbed my brain and the way it helped me get through some of the tougher times. Of course it was no solution to anything, but at the time, it served a purpose.
After a heavy drinking session in town I got so drunk one night I could not walk and allegedly was found by two police officers crawling along the gutter in a side street. I say allegedly, because I do not remember being arrested and thrown into the back of the police car, I was informed later on when being questioned. Apparently, I was so drunk I could not even give my name and address, it was 11-00pm when I was arrested and took until about 05-00 am to give the information so my father could be contacted and to come and collect me, which he did. I do not remember the beating I got because I was so drunk still, which was a really good thing. When I sobered up, which was about 6-00 pm and looked in the mirror I was shocked at how I looked. A massive black eye, swollen nose with dried blood, cut mouth and various lumps and bruises all over my face, being an ex boxer, Dad was quite handy with his fists. Part of me can understand his reaction and actions but it was a brutal attack, but then I used to get pretty much the same when I had not done anything wrong.
I also got expelled from school at 13, a boy had damaged my woodwork project deliberately so I had hit him. The teacher grabbed me by the throat and threw me against a wall and raised his fist threatening to punch me. I retaliated by grabbing his throat and pushing him up against the wall. Of course, this led to yet another beating from Dad, but he did get me re-instated. He threatened to press assault charges against the teacher, I had a severe bump on the back of my head where he had thrown me against the wall. The headmaster decided to reinstate me, but I did not do woodwork anymore, so there was a plus side.
I decided that alcohol was bad for me. It was expensive, gave me hangovers and made me violent. So I decided to give it up as a method of recreation. Of course, there had to be a replacement, and of course that had to be drugs. Well it was actually cheaper to get off your face on them, not such drastic direct side effects and they made the world seem so much better, even pretty sometimes and they were readily available. So I entered the world of blues, dexxies and bombers etc....and then life really did start to get hectic.
The intervening thirty seven years between then as a child and meeting MT at the age of fifty saw many 'adventurous' choices, though the drugs were ditched along the way. Many of these I do not regret, but many I do. I was never out of control, I just completely threw myself into my escapades. MT freely admits she is a thrill seeker too, and in some ways she is a bigger thrill seeker than I ever was. Her thrill seeking tends to use more considered judgment though, and stays within defined boundaries.
My wayward experiences stood me in very good stead when I became an Officer in the Fire Service because I had an understanding of alcohol and drug related, and various other compulsive/ destructive issues. This enabled me to not only be able to deal with the issues more effectively but also to be able to determine all the associated lies and deceptions that come within that world, and enabled me to manage more effectively. MT does not use drugs (which is probably why her medication drugs her up so hard) but she understands and responds to people's compulsion to extreme behaviours well.
So the astute might really start to see why it was a good idea for me to belong to MT. No one else has ever been able to exert even a modicum of control over me, but MT ensures my negative past behaviour stays where it belongs, in the past and there is no way it will ever become my present or future. The fact she manages to do this while capitalising on the advantages of my various experiences is pretty impressive - I never managed to utilize one without the other.
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