One of the things I find quite fascinating on social network sites is people's profiles. A particular aspect is what people identify themselves as and their sexual orientation. Being a bit of an oldie I often have to ask MT about the more obscure modern ones. When I was young the main identifiers were male or female, heterosexual or gay. Now there appears to be a myriad of descriptors.
In terms of gender. it is easy for me, I am male - well I was the last time I looked.
Sexual orientation, now this one used to be simple as well, as I was, pre MT, most definitely straight. I have heterosexual on my FL profile, but in terms of activity it could be argued this is not exactly accurate. As MT has forced me into gay acts, a case could be made that I am bisexual.
In a vanilla context most people do not have this quandary. I personally identify as being straight, I do not find men attractive and have no desire to either have sex with a man or have any type of relationship with one, other than as a friend (and I have very few of these). But, the reality is that I have been forced to give oral sex to numerous men, and have been fucked by one man at MT's behest. So, technically speaking I suppose most people would identify this as being bisexual.
So I wonder to some extent what it is that should identify me, my own sexual orientation (totally straight) or what I have to do as owned property which is behaving as bisexual. MT does occasionally allow me some heterosexual acts under her direction aside from our sex life together. Thus bisexual does probably describe me more accurately in terms of activity, yet I feel personally it is not really 'me'. It may be what I do as part of my slavery, but I have no draw to it in terms of my orientation.
An interesting thing did happen to me in Cardiff, however, which took me totally by surprise. MT took me to a gay club and downstairs there was a dance area. To say I had a few drinks would be an understatement, but I am not going to use the ' I was drunk' excuse.
For the first time in my life, I actually saw a guy who I was sort of attracted to. In my opinion, he was exceptionally good looking and I felt sort of drawn to him. He was with his boyfriend, but we engaged a few smiles and just before he left he came over for a chat. I had of course confessed this to MT who was almost besides herself with glee. It was very very strange for me, a totally new experience that I had never imagined being possible for me to have.
I did not feel any sexual arousal towards him at all, I just felt attracted to him in a more vague way, it was really fucking weird.
MT has spent a lot of time and effort on reprogramming me in numerous ways. I do sort of wonder if the gay activities have sort of conditioned me to be able to find a man attractive to some degree. It has so far been a 'one off' but then not much time has passed since then, nor have I been in that type of environment since.
MT forces me to have sex with guys for two main reasons, she finds gay live porn (as she refers to it) as fucking hot and also knows I am straight and loves to humiliate me by making me have sex with men which she knows I really dislike. She also likes to spend weeks afterwards referring to such events and keeping the humiliation going. Photographic mementos etc are also sometimes delivered.
I have no desire to ever find a man attractive again, let alone ever desire one sexually, but I cant help thinking that if I did, then it would be the removal of a very powerful weapon in MT's armament. But I guess I would end up being the biggest loser as I would miss out on so much humiliation - but MT would find some way to use it as a weapon. She's really good at that.
MT has just read this and is very amused as she says she knows exactly why "I was getting my gay on". She is however refusing to tell me.
Saturday 30 July 2011
Friday 29 July 2011
Freedom
I love the freedom of being owned. Being in a position where I no longer make the big decisions of what I either will do or will not do. I still get to have an opinion and to voice a preference on some things, but that is as far as it goes.
Sometimes of course my reactions to what I must do or not do as the case may be, is on a scale from mild/slight disappointment through the range to me being totally pissed off. I would love to not have to admit to the being pissed off bit, but I have not yet conquered controlling my negatitivity when anger is involved.
I think I am improving but it is still a difficult area.The 'freedom' feeling must seem strange to a vanilla person. I suppose I feel released from responsibility for decisions. As an example, MT determined my hair style, ie no hair. My hair used to be a big issue for me. It has undergone a wide range of styles over the years and was part of my identity in many ways. So having to shave it off was a massive thing. But now it is my 'normal'. Now in some ways it has become part of my slavery to MT. When I shave my head, it is part of me being how she wants me....and I like that.
I have to get approval for what I am to wear and what clothes I may buy and when I can buy them, another previous huge thing in my life.It now seems normal to just say ' Oh what do you want me to wear ? '.
Humiliation, which is something I have previously never felt in my life has become an insatiable beast. When vain attempts were made in the past to embarrass/humiliate me I reacted with immediate ripostes that totally anhiliated the perpetrator. MT can humiliate me at will, and often does, I hate it yet yearn for it in equal measures.
Apart from my love for her and the fact I am her property it is probably my biggest trigger and her best weapon in her arsenal.
Sometimes of course my reactions to what I must do or not do as the case may be, is on a scale from mild/slight disappointment through the range to me being totally pissed off. I would love to not have to admit to the being pissed off bit, but I have not yet conquered controlling my negatitivity when anger is involved.
I think I am improving but it is still a difficult area.The 'freedom' feeling must seem strange to a vanilla person. I suppose I feel released from responsibility for decisions. As an example, MT determined my hair style, ie no hair. My hair used to be a big issue for me. It has undergone a wide range of styles over the years and was part of my identity in many ways. So having to shave it off was a massive thing. But now it is my 'normal'. Now in some ways it has become part of my slavery to MT. When I shave my head, it is part of me being how she wants me....and I like that.
I have to get approval for what I am to wear and what clothes I may buy and when I can buy them, another previous huge thing in my life.It now seems normal to just say ' Oh what do you want me to wear ? '.
Humiliation, which is something I have previously never felt in my life has become an insatiable beast. When vain attempts were made in the past to embarrass/humiliate me I reacted with immediate ripostes that totally anhiliated the perpetrator. MT can humiliate me at will, and often does, I hate it yet yearn for it in equal measures.
Apart from my love for her and the fact I am her property it is probably my biggest trigger and her best weapon in her arsenal.
Thursday 28 July 2011
Day with MT
We had things we had to to do so we combined them with a day out in Bury St Edmunds today. MT was still not feeling too great, but I think our day did her some good. We had a picnic type lunch in the Abbey grounds which was looking particularly pretty today.
I had to cancel work today as it was drizzling first thing and it was an external painting job, two hours later the sun came out....bloody typical.
Sunday we are going to our BDSM event, which we are both looking forward to. I know this is going to sound kind of sad, but I really do need a good beating and a spot of the old humiliation might be beneficial. I have started to feel a little bit stressed and uptight, it often happens when there has been a short break from hard physical use. I do not want it, but I guess I have to admit I do need it.
I think some people in O/p have different views about bdsm and O/p than I do. I see it as just being part of 'us' just like any other activity we do together.I understand totally that some O/p couples do not actively engage in this type of activity and some of those that do, do so privately rather than at public events. We are all different and that is a healthy thing. In my opinion, either doing bdsm or not doing bdsm has no status in regards to whether a relationship is O/p or not.
I get a little pissed sometimes when some people on Fetlife start to be judgemental about what is right and wrong about other peoples relationships. When they do I would love to tell them to Fuck Off but unfortunately MT makes me play nicely there, well most of the time.
I had to cancel work today as it was drizzling first thing and it was an external painting job, two hours later the sun came out....bloody typical.
Sunday we are going to our BDSM event, which we are both looking forward to. I know this is going to sound kind of sad, but I really do need a good beating and a spot of the old humiliation might be beneficial. I have started to feel a little bit stressed and uptight, it often happens when there has been a short break from hard physical use. I do not want it, but I guess I have to admit I do need it.
I think some people in O/p have different views about bdsm and O/p than I do. I see it as just being part of 'us' just like any other activity we do together.I understand totally that some O/p couples do not actively engage in this type of activity and some of those that do, do so privately rather than at public events. We are all different and that is a healthy thing. In my opinion, either doing bdsm or not doing bdsm has no status in regards to whether a relationship is O/p or not.
I get a little pissed sometimes when some people on Fetlife start to be judgemental about what is right and wrong about other peoples relationships. When they do I would love to tell them to Fuck Off but unfortunately MT makes me play nicely there, well most of the time.
Wednesday 27 July 2011
My place
MT has had a rough day today, she is feeling unwell and also had a stressful day. When I got home from work it was readily apparent that she was not her usual self. She had, however, made some delicious stuffed peppers for our dinner.
I see being her slave as being very much a holistic thing. My service to her is all encompassing, it is my place to look after her emotional and psychological needs as well as her physical needs, including the ever present sexual needs of course. It is my place to ease her burdens and remove things that are either worrying her or displeasing her.It is my role to make her happy, to protect her and care for her and that is what I will always do to the best of my ability.
So that is what my focus has been this evening and will be over the coming weeks. To take the pressure away, to make things easier for her and to love and care for her.
I see being her slave as being very much a holistic thing. My service to her is all encompassing, it is my place to look after her emotional and psychological needs as well as her physical needs, including the ever present sexual needs of course. It is my place to ease her burdens and remove things that are either worrying her or displeasing her.It is my role to make her happy, to protect her and care for her and that is what I will always do to the best of my ability.
So that is what my focus has been this evening and will be over the coming weeks. To take the pressure away, to make things easier for her and to love and care for her.
Tuesday 26 July 2011
Perceptions
An ordinary day, well ordinary for a slave anyway. Work as usual, which was not too bad although cutting the seven foot high hedge by hand when the battery on the hedge trimmer ran out was annoying to say the least.
MT is not well today, the effects of her medication, so I am taking extra care of her and looking after the things that need to be done.
I expect most people outside of our culture would never imagine the actual life of a slave. I would imagine their perceptions would focus on things like kink, sex and chains etc. I doubt if they would consider what normal day to day life was like for us. Their visions probably range on a continuum from being kept locked in a cage or other confining place through to 24 hour a day sex and depravity.
I doubt they might ever consider it romantic, but I certainly do.As far as I am concerned, becoming MT's property incorporated a wide range of feelings and emotions and of course a new identity, in fact within that identity I fulfill many roles, far more than I ever did in a vanilla relationship.
I am still in awe of actually being a slave and all that it encompasses. As time passes it seems to not only evolve but also intensify and enlarge.
If I was to try to compare being a slave to physical things it would be different things at different times.
Sometimes it is a perfectly still day, sometimes ripples on a lake, an earthquake, a hurricane, a tornado, gentle waves lapping on a shore, a tsunami, an eclipse, dawn, dusk, night, dense fog, gentle mist, an icy wind, a desert storm, a multitude of different things which form an ever changing experience and an exciting, but sometimes daunting state of uncertainty with an absolute sense of belonging. It just feels like anything and everything.
MT is not well today, the effects of her medication, so I am taking extra care of her and looking after the things that need to be done.
I expect most people outside of our culture would never imagine the actual life of a slave. I would imagine their perceptions would focus on things like kink, sex and chains etc. I doubt if they would consider what normal day to day life was like for us. Their visions probably range on a continuum from being kept locked in a cage or other confining place through to 24 hour a day sex and depravity.
I doubt they might ever consider it romantic, but I certainly do.As far as I am concerned, becoming MT's property incorporated a wide range of feelings and emotions and of course a new identity, in fact within that identity I fulfill many roles, far more than I ever did in a vanilla relationship.
I am still in awe of actually being a slave and all that it encompasses. As time passes it seems to not only evolve but also intensify and enlarge.
If I was to try to compare being a slave to physical things it would be different things at different times.
Sometimes it is a perfectly still day, sometimes ripples on a lake, an earthquake, a hurricane, a tornado, gentle waves lapping on a shore, a tsunami, an eclipse, dawn, dusk, night, dense fog, gentle mist, an icy wind, a desert storm, a multitude of different things which form an ever changing experience and an exciting, but sometimes daunting state of uncertainty with an absolute sense of belonging. It just feels like anything and everything.
Monday 25 July 2011
My Way before slavery
As I have some time I thought I could do a second blog but this time a bit more focused on perhaps how I ended up in this old slavery thing.
Even now, I still can not believe I am a slave and I have 'almost' given up trying to work out how and why it happened, so I mainly just get on and enjoy it.
I suppose I have always been a bit of a thrill seeker, Throughout my life I have often (most of the time actually) flown in the face of 'the norms' and pretty well much done my own thing. In some ways this worked out well, in others it was on a range from slight advantage down through all the levels to absolute disaster. BUT, I was always somehow content that 'I did it my way' as the old song goes.
I have always had the view I would prefer to live less years at a fast pace than live many years at a slow one. An easy philosophy perhaps to have when one is young, not so easy as life's end draws closer.
I have had many downs, but I have had so many ups too. I feel certain I would not have had such a range of experiences had I not had my cavalier attitude to life and disregard for the approval of society.
As a youngster I sacrificed my eduction for sex, drugs, alcohol, partying and even more sex. I have had one major successful career as a fire officer and several other short successes in private sector management and security and now work for myself. The education time I threw away as a kid was made up later by part time study and then by going to university part time to gain a post graduate qualification in business studies. So I managed all that fun plus some qualifications as well, I was lucky, but I am also a very determined person.
Relationships were numerous, so many girls came and went I lost count years ago. Many would see this as a failure, well if the objective was to find someone and fall in love and stay together for ever, then I was very very unsuccessful. But, if the agenda was to have variety and fun, then I think there was an element of success.To be honest, I would have really liked to have met someone who was sooooo special I never could be without them, but that did not happen then. They were perhaps sometimes 'special' for a while but the feeling soon wore off for me and when it did, then that was the end.
I have owned many expensive and beautiful items, but ended up either giving them away or selling them. They were transient things, again, nothing ever lasted, I did not want them enough once I had them.
I decided to travel and I did, quite extensively considering my background and my career commitments. I have met so many diverse and wonderful people and some real total arseholes, it has been a tremendous privilege to have experienced it.
But , for all of the above, I was never truly happy, yes there were fleeting moments. Yes, I did more or less whatever I wanted, how and whenever I wanted to within reason. But, there was always something missing, I always wanted something else, I just never knew what it was.
So when I met MT and had tried pretty much everything in life there was to try I decided to give the old slavery thing a try...............and I have never been happier. I also know it never would have happened if it had not been MT....there is that something special between us and I finally found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Even now, I still can not believe I am a slave and I have 'almost' given up trying to work out how and why it happened, so I mainly just get on and enjoy it.
I suppose I have always been a bit of a thrill seeker, Throughout my life I have often (most of the time actually) flown in the face of 'the norms' and pretty well much done my own thing. In some ways this worked out well, in others it was on a range from slight advantage down through all the levels to absolute disaster. BUT, I was always somehow content that 'I did it my way' as the old song goes.
I have always had the view I would prefer to live less years at a fast pace than live many years at a slow one. An easy philosophy perhaps to have when one is young, not so easy as life's end draws closer.
I have had many downs, but I have had so many ups too. I feel certain I would not have had such a range of experiences had I not had my cavalier attitude to life and disregard for the approval of society.
As a youngster I sacrificed my eduction for sex, drugs, alcohol, partying and even more sex. I have had one major successful career as a fire officer and several other short successes in private sector management and security and now work for myself. The education time I threw away as a kid was made up later by part time study and then by going to university part time to gain a post graduate qualification in business studies. So I managed all that fun plus some qualifications as well, I was lucky, but I am also a very determined person.
Relationships were numerous, so many girls came and went I lost count years ago. Many would see this as a failure, well if the objective was to find someone and fall in love and stay together for ever, then I was very very unsuccessful. But, if the agenda was to have variety and fun, then I think there was an element of success.To be honest, I would have really liked to have met someone who was sooooo special I never could be without them, but that did not happen then. They were perhaps sometimes 'special' for a while but the feeling soon wore off for me and when it did, then that was the end.
I have owned many expensive and beautiful items, but ended up either giving them away or selling them. They were transient things, again, nothing ever lasted, I did not want them enough once I had them.
I decided to travel and I did, quite extensively considering my background and my career commitments. I have met so many diverse and wonderful people and some real total arseholes, it has been a tremendous privilege to have experienced it.
But , for all of the above, I was never truly happy, yes there were fleeting moments. Yes, I did more or less whatever I wanted, how and whenever I wanted to within reason. But, there was always something missing, I always wanted something else, I just never knew what it was.
So when I met MT and had tried pretty much everything in life there was to try I decided to give the old slavery thing a try...............and I have never been happier. I also know it never would have happened if it had not been MT....there is that something special between us and I finally found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Mundane me
Today MT is out, she has been all day and I am missing her more than usual. Sounds kind of slushy but it is how I feel, must be getting soft in my old age, fortunately not in my cock :)
My diet has exceeded my expectations in terms of result. I am now 18 pounds lighter than when I started it and some 42 pounds lighter than my heaviest ever weight Strangely I still feel fat, I know that I am not but when I look in the mirror there are still some bits of excess body that I want to remove.I would like to shed at least another 11 pounds but I am not sure if MT will let me.
On a negative side, I have lost quite a bit of muscle bulk, so when I am feeling fitter I must get back into the gym and do some hard training. I like to have some muscle bulk, not purely for aesthetic reasons but as a defence mechanism. When I am like I am now I feel almost vulnerable, having some mass does tend to deter would be aggressors in my experience.
When we were in Cardiff I was allowed to buy some T shirts as my others had become a little baggy. I now have a wardrobe stuffed with clothes that are technically too big. I think MT plans to get me to Ebay some of the designer ones and then use the proceeds for new clothing, so that would be good.
Cati and I can now go a bit faster as I weigh less, it is surprising how much the acceleration has improved, also I am now more aerodynamic ;)
I keep staring at our kitchen which is stripped ready for preparation prior to decorating and a partial refit. ATM I just have not got the time, OK, I could be doing some now, but I am also looking after someone so it is not conducive. Work is so busy that the kitchen will have to wait until winter when work demand lessens slightly, then I shall have to face up to it and just blitz it.
I have done some household chores ready for MT's return this evening, yes I am a creep, but it is allegedly good slave behaviour to do things for your Owner.....I would not want to make a habit of it though ;)
One small slave prepares a hiding place when MT reads the last bit.
My diet has exceeded my expectations in terms of result. I am now 18 pounds lighter than when I started it and some 42 pounds lighter than my heaviest ever weight Strangely I still feel fat, I know that I am not but when I look in the mirror there are still some bits of excess body that I want to remove.I would like to shed at least another 11 pounds but I am not sure if MT will let me.
On a negative side, I have lost quite a bit of muscle bulk, so when I am feeling fitter I must get back into the gym and do some hard training. I like to have some muscle bulk, not purely for aesthetic reasons but as a defence mechanism. When I am like I am now I feel almost vulnerable, having some mass does tend to deter would be aggressors in my experience.
When we were in Cardiff I was allowed to buy some T shirts as my others had become a little baggy. I now have a wardrobe stuffed with clothes that are technically too big. I think MT plans to get me to Ebay some of the designer ones and then use the proceeds for new clothing, so that would be good.
Cati and I can now go a bit faster as I weigh less, it is surprising how much the acceleration has improved, also I am now more aerodynamic ;)
I keep staring at our kitchen which is stripped ready for preparation prior to decorating and a partial refit. ATM I just have not got the time, OK, I could be doing some now, but I am also looking after someone so it is not conducive. Work is so busy that the kitchen will have to wait until winter when work demand lessens slightly, then I shall have to face up to it and just blitz it.
I have done some household chores ready for MT's return this evening, yes I am a creep, but it is allegedly good slave behaviour to do things for your Owner.....I would not want to make a habit of it though ;)
One small slave prepares a hiding place when MT reads the last bit.
Sunday 24 July 2011
Plans and more plans
A fairly quiet day, it needed to be after the weeks work. I provided some sexual services to MT today which was nice, albeit I did not get an orgasm. It is probably a bit of the ' treat em mean keep em keen ' philosophy I suppose.
I was also allowed out for a ride on the Cati bitch, unfortunately, after only a few minutes,a man in a uniform stopped me in the middle of the road. According to his little hand held electronic device I had exceeded the speed limit. Being a good trained slave is important at times like this. My 'old' style would have definitely got me a speeding ticket, but MT has taught me to be polite and contrite, so I was polite and contrite, I even apologised........and no ticket, just a ticking off, great result. Actually, the policeman was really nice and I had been just a little over the limit.
The week ahead is a busy one. Work of course, services to MT of course and then, subject to MT being well, a long bdsm event on Sunday at the same venue we went to a few weeks back. Then the following day it is our anniversary and I shall be taking MT out for the day, which hopefully will be really nice.
Being an anally retentive person I have several different plans for the day out depending upon the weather and how MT's health is.I am a compulsive systemiser and MUST have fully researched and itinerised contingency plans, I am not a 'just go with the flow ' type...I suspect this is something that might just change in the future.
Re-programming can be so pesky.
I was also allowed out for a ride on the Cati bitch, unfortunately, after only a few minutes,a man in a uniform stopped me in the middle of the road. According to his little hand held electronic device I had exceeded the speed limit. Being a good trained slave is important at times like this. My 'old' style would have definitely got me a speeding ticket, but MT has taught me to be polite and contrite, so I was polite and contrite, I even apologised........and no ticket, just a ticking off, great result. Actually, the policeman was really nice and I had been just a little over the limit.
The week ahead is a busy one. Work of course, services to MT of course and then, subject to MT being well, a long bdsm event on Sunday at the same venue we went to a few weeks back. Then the following day it is our anniversary and I shall be taking MT out for the day, which hopefully will be really nice.
Being an anally retentive person I have several different plans for the day out depending upon the weather and how MT's health is.I am a compulsive systemiser and MUST have fully researched and itinerised contingency plans, I am not a 'just go with the flow ' type...I suspect this is something that might just change in the future.
Re-programming can be so pesky.
Saturday 23 July 2011
Me me me
Like everyone else I suppose, I think of many things in a day, some sensible, some not and others probably just fucking crazy.
One thing that keeps cropping up in my tiny little mind is this 'How many people in the world actually live in an O/p relationship'.
Then I wonder how many of those are in a F/ m dynamic.
Next in line comes, how many are Owned by someone 17 years or more younger than themselves.
Then I think about how many of their Owners are hardcore sadists like MT (or worse - Ouch! could that even be possible)?
And then, how many of those Owners enjoy making their slaves provide live gay porn for them.
From this number, I then wonder how many of those male slaves spent most of their lives being dominants prior to becoming property.
I then realise that there are probably very few people who would fit into this very specific category, so it is no wonder I have not ever met anyone in my exact position really.
Of course everyones relationship is unique and special. I just wonder if there is anyone else out there with my exact situation or very very close to it.
If there is, then they are very very lucky ;)
One thing that keeps cropping up in my tiny little mind is this 'How many people in the world actually live in an O/p relationship'.
Then I wonder how many of those are in a F/ m dynamic.
Next in line comes, how many are Owned by someone 17 years or more younger than themselves.
Then I think about how many of their Owners are hardcore sadists like MT (or worse - Ouch! could that even be possible)?
And then, how many of those Owners enjoy making their slaves provide live gay porn for them.
From this number, I then wonder how many of those male slaves spent most of their lives being dominants prior to becoming property.
I then realise that there are probably very few people who would fit into this very specific category, so it is no wonder I have not ever met anyone in my exact position really.
Of course everyones relationship is unique and special. I just wonder if there is anyone else out there with my exact situation or very very close to it.
If there is, then they are very very lucky ;)
Friday 22 July 2011
Dilemmas
The 'facility' was used again last night, but before it was used it was asked if it was 'in a condition to be used'.
I find such questions very difficult to answer. When MT ask me things like this I often feel in a dilemma. The self preservation side of me wants to scream out ' of course I am not in a condition to be used again, I am fucking sore and bruised '. BUT.......the slavey part of me thinks ' Oh no, how can I possibly say I am not OK, she will be so disappointed she can't use me'.
Thus, unless there is a major, major problem of a physical or psychological nature I answer 'yes I am well enough to be used' Then it is just a case of being a good slave and getting on with it. There are times when I feel I will not be able to cope, but I always do, MT is smart and knows when to push and how far to push me. After all, she does not want to permanently damage her property.... temporary damage is OK though.
Although I might complain about hard use, I would not want it any other way. Personally I would not feel like a slave if my Owner acceded to my protests about things. If I could mandate what I was or was not willing to do I would feel incomplete and would not feel like a slave.
Total power exchange is what I need, if not that, then I would not want any power exchange... well, unless I was the dominant one ;)
Being controlled 24/7 in every way your Owner wants to control you may be fucking hard but it is seldom boring. Being unable to control what I do or do not do is a huge thing to me. Of course there are things I dislike, some that I even detest, but it is all part of the dynamic. The things that make me get my rocks off are usually the pretty easy ones to deal with. The more mundane or most disliked are much more difficult, but my mindset is trying to focus on these things more....after all it is about what the Owner wants.
I find such questions very difficult to answer. When MT ask me things like this I often feel in a dilemma. The self preservation side of me wants to scream out ' of course I am not in a condition to be used again, I am fucking sore and bruised '. BUT.......the slavey part of me thinks ' Oh no, how can I possibly say I am not OK, she will be so disappointed she can't use me'.
Thus, unless there is a major, major problem of a physical or psychological nature I answer 'yes I am well enough to be used' Then it is just a case of being a good slave and getting on with it. There are times when I feel I will not be able to cope, but I always do, MT is smart and knows when to push and how far to push me. After all, she does not want to permanently damage her property.... temporary damage is OK though.
Although I might complain about hard use, I would not want it any other way. Personally I would not feel like a slave if my Owner acceded to my protests about things. If I could mandate what I was or was not willing to do I would feel incomplete and would not feel like a slave.
Total power exchange is what I need, if not that, then I would not want any power exchange... well, unless I was the dominant one ;)
Being controlled 24/7 in every way your Owner wants to control you may be fucking hard but it is seldom boring. Being unable to control what I do or do not do is a huge thing to me. Of course there are things I dislike, some that I even detest, but it is all part of the dynamic. The things that make me get my rocks off are usually the pretty easy ones to deal with. The more mundane or most disliked are much more difficult, but my mindset is trying to focus on these things more....after all it is about what the Owner wants.
Thursday 21 July 2011
'Just a fucking facility'
The break in Cardiff was very nice. Of course there was not a break from being used by MT. MT gave me a seriously hard arse raping and managed to achieve umpteen orgasms up what ended up being a very sore, bruised and battered arse. This was then followed by an act of particular note.
I was then ordered into the bathroom, told to get on my hands and knees in the shower and then being told to shut up, keep still and then having my Owner piss all over the back of my neck and head. I was surprised how much this affected me. The back of my neck is perhaps the most erogenous zone on my body, the combination of the heat of MT's piss and the force with which it struck me really created a huge rush of excitement and humiliation in equal doses.
My breathing went deep as soon as I knew what was going to happen, but that was nothing compared to the act itself. I was also made to keep my mouth open and then lap up MT's piss from the base of the shower. Afterwards, MT made me thank her for pissing over me and then left me to lay there on the shower floor for a while before telling me to shower and then join her in the bedroom.
Today MT decided to use my arse again and she gave me a very long, very deep and very hard arse raping. MT was very stressed by a nasty situation elsewhere, and when I arrived home at lunchtime I was told 'you are just a fucking facility at the moment, I am not interested in what you think just stick your arse out and stay in position while I work my tension out up your arse'. Having a lot of stress to burn off resulted in me being quite brutally shafted and otherwise used exceptionally roughly - 'just be a good punchbag and shut the fuck up while I use your fuckhole bitch'. Being used like this still humiliates me, I do not think that will ever change. I have learned to accept it and to be grateful that MT chooses to use me rather than someone else, although this is not always the case.
Even though the raping is painful and without mercy, there is this inner feeling of fulfilment, created mainly by feeling and watching the absolute pleasure/ relief MT is getting from it.
There was mention of Njoy tonight and/or another thorough raping, but this time it might be the huge black cock, I really hope not as I am so sore, already split and slightly bleeding. When I told her this all it did was excite her even more and probably sealed my fate.
I really should learn to keep my mouth shut.
I was then ordered into the bathroom, told to get on my hands and knees in the shower and then being told to shut up, keep still and then having my Owner piss all over the back of my neck and head. I was surprised how much this affected me. The back of my neck is perhaps the most erogenous zone on my body, the combination of the heat of MT's piss and the force with which it struck me really created a huge rush of excitement and humiliation in equal doses.
My breathing went deep as soon as I knew what was going to happen, but that was nothing compared to the act itself. I was also made to keep my mouth open and then lap up MT's piss from the base of the shower. Afterwards, MT made me thank her for pissing over me and then left me to lay there on the shower floor for a while before telling me to shower and then join her in the bedroom.
Today MT decided to use my arse again and she gave me a very long, very deep and very hard arse raping. MT was very stressed by a nasty situation elsewhere, and when I arrived home at lunchtime I was told 'you are just a fucking facility at the moment, I am not interested in what you think just stick your arse out and stay in position while I work my tension out up your arse'. Having a lot of stress to burn off resulted in me being quite brutally shafted and otherwise used exceptionally roughly - 'just be a good punchbag and shut the fuck up while I use your fuckhole bitch'. Being used like this still humiliates me, I do not think that will ever change. I have learned to accept it and to be grateful that MT chooses to use me rather than someone else, although this is not always the case.
Even though the raping is painful and without mercy, there is this inner feeling of fulfilment, created mainly by feeling and watching the absolute pleasure/ relief MT is getting from it.
There was mention of Njoy tonight and/or another thorough raping, but this time it might be the huge black cock, I really hope not as I am so sore, already split and slightly bleeding. When I told her this all it did was excite her even more and probably sealed my fate.
I really should learn to keep my mouth shut.
Tuesday 19 July 2011
Another 'light bulb' moment
We had a great time in Cardiff, it really is a nice place to spend some time. It was fantastic having quality time with MT, I love spending time with her. Having some time just for the two of us is very special, it is a pity time passed so quickly.
Unfortunately I put on nearly 5 pounds, so I am back on the very low carb diet today.I don't mind the diet actually, I have sort of adapted to that way of eating. The low carb eating will probably become my normal eating pattern with an occasional lapse into the eating of the carbs I love so much.
Changing the subject completely, I have started to identify something about me that I have mixed feelings about.
I have prior to being owned always been an exceptionally independent person. To some extent, even though I have been owned for nearly 5 years I have often still felt that I am not dependent upon anyone, including MT.. This did not concern me in the slightest because it was what I was used to.
I am unsure when this independence feeling started to wane, but I have suddenly realised it has. I have increasingly started to feel more dependent ie wanting/needing to be with MT more and thus wanting to spend less time without her.
I have noticed I have become a little resentful of not being able to be with her due predominantly to having to go work.It feels like I am missing out and I do not like it.
On one hand, I feel very happy that obviously my slavery to MT has become even deeper. My desires to please her and make her happy have also become stronger as time has passed. This enhanced state of feeling 'I need to be with her' is a lovely feeling, but it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable at the same time.
Feeling like I 'need' to be with her so much makes me feel sort of insecure. It makes me feel vulnerable and I find that unnerving. In past relationships I have never felt I needed to be with that person, often, I also knew I would only be with them for a finite period, because that was what I wanted. So feeling I need to be with MT is a new feeling and is quite uncomfortable.
I have never felt any fear of a relationship ending before. I have never felt a relationship to be that important. Nor have I ever worried about all the 'what ifs' eg what if they get bored with me, find someone else, get someone else to be a big part in their life etc etc.
I want to make it very clear that our relationship is totally solid and this feeling is not as a result of some drama/problem/issue that has occurred or is occurring.
It is just my sudden and unexpected realisation that I have slipped further into being enslaved.The feeling brings me great happiness and a sense of achievement....but it also scares the hell out of me at the same time.
Unfortunately I put on nearly 5 pounds, so I am back on the very low carb diet today.I don't mind the diet actually, I have sort of adapted to that way of eating. The low carb eating will probably become my normal eating pattern with an occasional lapse into the eating of the carbs I love so much.
Changing the subject completely, I have started to identify something about me that I have mixed feelings about.
I have prior to being owned always been an exceptionally independent person. To some extent, even though I have been owned for nearly 5 years I have often still felt that I am not dependent upon anyone, including MT.. This did not concern me in the slightest because it was what I was used to.
I am unsure when this independence feeling started to wane, but I have suddenly realised it has. I have increasingly started to feel more dependent ie wanting/needing to be with MT more and thus wanting to spend less time without her.
I have noticed I have become a little resentful of not being able to be with her due predominantly to having to go work.It feels like I am missing out and I do not like it.
On one hand, I feel very happy that obviously my slavery to MT has become even deeper. My desires to please her and make her happy have also become stronger as time has passed. This enhanced state of feeling 'I need to be with her' is a lovely feeling, but it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable at the same time.
Feeling like I 'need' to be with her so much makes me feel sort of insecure. It makes me feel vulnerable and I find that unnerving. In past relationships I have never felt I needed to be with that person, often, I also knew I would only be with them for a finite period, because that was what I wanted. So feeling I need to be with MT is a new feeling and is quite uncomfortable.
I have never felt any fear of a relationship ending before. I have never felt a relationship to be that important. Nor have I ever worried about all the 'what ifs' eg what if they get bored with me, find someone else, get someone else to be a big part in their life etc etc.
I want to make it very clear that our relationship is totally solid and this feeling is not as a result of some drama/problem/issue that has occurred or is occurring.
It is just my sudden and unexpected realisation that I have slipped further into being enslaved.The feeling brings me great happiness and a sense of achievement....but it also scares the hell out of me at the same time.
Wednesday 13 July 2011
Preparing for the trip.
It was a hard day at work, I had a short break at lunch time, but did not get much rest as MT wanted an orgasm. Somehow I managed to stay awake long enough to meet the requirement and at least got 20 minutes well needed sleep. Work this afternoon was manic, but I was given some gardening tools, so that was good.
The packing is all done for the trip, we are leaving at 3-30 am to avoid the traffic, yes it is crazy but I hate driving long distances in heavy traffic. If all goes well we should do the journey in 4 hours, during normal traffic it could take six hours or more.
We are going to head for Penarth and have breakfast there before going on to the hotel in Cardiff. Then no doubt a quick sleep before a late afternoon venture into the city centre.
Five days away together will be the longest time we have spent on our own, I hope we don't kill each other. I can run faster than MT normally but with my knee problem she may be faster. Knowing MT she would make her move when I least expected it......either when I was asleep or during sex probably.
So there will be no more blogging until our return on Monday. Njoy is coming too, which is a shame, I was looking forward to a break.
The packing is all done for the trip, we are leaving at 3-30 am to avoid the traffic, yes it is crazy but I hate driving long distances in heavy traffic. If all goes well we should do the journey in 4 hours, during normal traffic it could take six hours or more.
We are going to head for Penarth and have breakfast there before going on to the hotel in Cardiff. Then no doubt a quick sleep before a late afternoon venture into the city centre.
Five days away together will be the longest time we have spent on our own, I hope we don't kill each other. I can run faster than MT normally but with my knee problem she may be faster. Knowing MT she would make her move when I least expected it......either when I was asleep or during sex probably.
So there will be no more blogging until our return on Monday. Njoy is coming too, which is a shame, I was looking forward to a break.
Tuesday 12 July 2011
Short break
MT now has a blog, you can find it here- http://www.sparklingscars.blogspot.com/
Perhaps I may find out interesting information on it.
Just one more day of work before our short break, I cant wait.
MT is feeling a little better today so that is positive.
Above - Just me hanging around waiting for MT.
I have escaped physical use lately as MT has been unwell, I am missing it actually, hard physical use somehow makes me feel very owned and also loved, strange creature arent I.
I have been providing her with services as usual, mainly orgasms and massage duty. Tonight I will be giving her a pedicure.
We looked to see if there were any kink events on in Cardiff when we are going to be there but unfortunately there arent any listed, so that is a shame. We are hoping to go the same event we went to last month at the end of July, so that will be fun.
Perhaps I may find out interesting information on it.
Just one more day of work before our short break, I cant wait.
MT is feeling a little better today so that is positive.
Above - Just me hanging around waiting for MT.
I have escaped physical use lately as MT has been unwell, I am missing it actually, hard physical use somehow makes me feel very owned and also loved, strange creature arent I.
I have been providing her with services as usual, mainly orgasms and massage duty. Tonight I will be giving her a pedicure.
We looked to see if there were any kink events on in Cardiff when we are going to be there but unfortunately there arent any listed, so that is a shame. We are hoping to go the same event we went to last month at the end of July, so that will be fun.
Monday 11 July 2011
SitRep
MT got steroids today so hopefully they will help stop the flare up.
MT brought me some pink cotton gloves to wear in bed with a hand treatment on. Allegedly, my rough fingers sometimes make her clit sore......not surprised after 60 to 120 minutes at a time.Starting to question that MT is not into feminisation...the pink gloves.
Started to get my clothes ready for Cardiff trip, yipee.
Asked to be excused from wearing njoy tonight, my little place is sore
.
Bad news, njoy is holidaying in Cardiff as well, shall hide lube as stowaway in suitcase.
Aaaagh, MT is to pluck my eyebrows tonight. Wish I had a safe word.
Hopefully strap ons passport is out of date and will be refused entry to Wales.
Have decided to pee in the street in the future rather than risk the public toilets after the recent incident.
I have not put any more yellow plants in the rear garden, but the dahlias buds are definately looking yellow.
Weight loss continues due to very low carbing, total lost is 1 st 6and a half pounds.
Purchased three skinny black T shirts, current ones looking a bit baggy.
MT brought me some pink cotton gloves to wear in bed with a hand treatment on. Allegedly, my rough fingers sometimes make her clit sore......not surprised after 60 to 120 minutes at a time.Starting to question that MT is not into feminisation...the pink gloves.
Started to get my clothes ready for Cardiff trip, yipee.
Asked to be excused from wearing njoy tonight, my little place is sore
.
Bad news, njoy is holidaying in Cardiff as well, shall hide lube as stowaway in suitcase.
Aaaagh, MT is to pluck my eyebrows tonight. Wish I had a safe word.
Hopefully strap ons passport is out of date and will be refused entry to Wales.
Have decided to pee in the street in the future rather than risk the public toilets after the recent incident.
I have not put any more yellow plants in the rear garden, but the dahlias buds are definately looking yellow.
Weight loss continues due to very low carbing, total lost is 1 st 6and a half pounds.
Purchased three skinny black T shirts, current ones looking a bit baggy.
Sunday 10 July 2011
Quiet times
It has been a quiet day today. MT is feeling unwell so I have been focussing on looking after her. I did get a ride on Cati but unfortunately had to cut it short as my knee was getting too painful. Changing gear so many times was putting a lot of pressure on it. It was nice to ride her again, also she seemed faster, probably because I am a stone lighter than the last ride.
I gave MT a long massage last night and will give her another one today. The massages can get a bit hot though, massaging MT can turn her on sometimes and then the 'other' services come into play.
We are going away on our own for four days on Thursday, a short stay in Cardiff. It will be MT's first time there and I hope she enjoys it. We are looking forward to spending some quality time together and relaxing. I just hope MT will be well enough, if not then I will just have to pamper her in the hotel room...sounds good to me.
I gave MT a long massage last night and will give her another one today. The massages can get a bit hot though, massaging MT can turn her on sometimes and then the 'other' services come into play.
We are going away on our own for four days on Thursday, a short stay in Cardiff. It will be MT's first time there and I hope she enjoys it. We are looking forward to spending some quality time together and relaxing. I just hope MT will be well enough, if not then I will just have to pamper her in the hotel room...sounds good to me.
Saturday 9 July 2011
When slaves struggle
Whilst there are many obvious similarities between vanilla relationships and O/p relationships there are of course many differences. In some ways I find O/p easier but generally speaking I find O/p much more difficult. In a vanilla relationship, when there are problems it is often easier to distance yourself a little from your partner and give yourself some breathing space.In O/p, as a slave we are often still required to perform our duties, and this is an area where I definitely find it more difficult.
When I feel aggrieved about something the last thing I feel like doing is being bossed around or even when asked politely to do something I feel not inclined to obey, but usually do albeit with a bad attitude. We all react in different ways to such situations, I tend to withdraw and reduce or even cease communication. There are occasions where I do the opposite of course and have a good old rant and rave.
When things are not going right in vanilla land it is acceptable (sort of) to argue and get in a rage and in my case often leads me to hurling abuse of various types at the other party. But of course in an O/p relationship this is not acceptable. It is such a difficult aspect for me, all my instincts want to go one way and my slave head tries to stop me. As time passes, 'slave head' is winning a few more than it loses, but there is still room for improvement.
When everything is all rosy I am happy in my service and doing things for MT gives me great joy and a feeling of fulfillment. But, when things are stressy I often start to feel used when told to do something. It can be a very minor trivial task but it can even feel almost like abuse at the time. I have to try exceptionally hard when this happens. The sensible me knows of course that I am not being used differently than normal, it is my emotional/psychological state that has altered and creates these negative responses.
I do not think I am alone feeling like this , I am sure many other slaves have similar experiences sometimes. The 'phase' always passes, sometimes quicker than other times, but it does pass. And when it does, I return to the peaceful, tranquil, fulfilling state of contentment of serving my Owner.
Tonight MT is feeling unwell and is considering seeing the GP to get steroids, so I am trying to be extra attentive. Shortly I will be giving her a full body massage to help ease her aches and to relax her and I am really looking forward to providing this for her.
When I feel aggrieved about something the last thing I feel like doing is being bossed around or even when asked politely to do something I feel not inclined to obey, but usually do albeit with a bad attitude. We all react in different ways to such situations, I tend to withdraw and reduce or even cease communication. There are occasions where I do the opposite of course and have a good old rant and rave.
When things are not going right in vanilla land it is acceptable (sort of) to argue and get in a rage and in my case often leads me to hurling abuse of various types at the other party. But of course in an O/p relationship this is not acceptable. It is such a difficult aspect for me, all my instincts want to go one way and my slave head tries to stop me. As time passes, 'slave head' is winning a few more than it loses, but there is still room for improvement.
When everything is all rosy I am happy in my service and doing things for MT gives me great joy and a feeling of fulfillment. But, when things are stressy I often start to feel used when told to do something. It can be a very minor trivial task but it can even feel almost like abuse at the time. I have to try exceptionally hard when this happens. The sensible me knows of course that I am not being used differently than normal, it is my emotional/psychological state that has altered and creates these negative responses.
I do not think I am alone feeling like this , I am sure many other slaves have similar experiences sometimes. The 'phase' always passes, sometimes quicker than other times, but it does pass. And when it does, I return to the peaceful, tranquil, fulfilling state of contentment of serving my Owner.
Tonight MT is feeling unwell and is considering seeing the GP to get steroids, so I am trying to be extra attentive. Shortly I will be giving her a full body massage to help ease her aches and to relax her and I am really looking forward to providing this for her.
Friday 8 July 2011
Heinous Crimes
Today has been a 'difficult' day. For a start. it was a busy work day and I got wet so many times I lost count. I would just about dry out and then another downpour would soak me again. So six hours of gardening in the wet was not good.
But this was to pale into insignificance on the 'bad day front' as I committed a heinous crime. A crime against my Owner.......there can be no worse an act.
Now I must confess here on the internet for all to see, the shame of it all, I can hardly lift my eyes from the floor. I scattered yellow poppy seeds in our rear garden....yes I know it is hard to believe, but I did it. I feel so ashamed, please do not judge me too harshly.
I committed this heinous crime at lunch time. Newly acquired seeds from a customer, gathered from a garden, were wilfully scattered by me into two flower beds in the rear garden. What is more they are close to red roses. I realise it was a foolish and horrifying thing to do. In my defence I can only plead mitigation, that A) I thought it would brighten a dull area of the garden, B) I think they are pretty, C) I forgot just how much MT HATES YELLOW IN HER GARDEN.
A and B might be forgivable, but not C, well there is apparently no excuse for C.
Whilst having a mid day lunch break snuggle in bed with MT I chirpily told her I had a confession to make. I made my confession. MT made various comments, basically expressing displeasure (I am a master of understatement) and slapped my face vigorously. I decided to attempt to explain why this was really not such a bad thing and received more slaps. When I confessed the offending seeds were by the red roses she punched my face, slapped my face some more and generally made negative remarks. Oh...and she nearly twisted my left nipple from my chest while helpfully reminding me that the colour scheme of her garden has no room for yellow, and the red is only tolerated.
I was given a lengthy lecture (some may say diatribe), regarding 'how could I do such a thing to her garden knowing her colour scheme there is purple, blue, white & pink in an effort to neutralize the yellowish brickwork, and that yellow flowers have no place in her garden. Especially ones that spread like poppies' etc etc.
In a state of panic I had the 'brilliant' idea of suggesting I go swiftly outside and vacuum them up. I also pleaded that they are just seeds, they may not even germinate and if they even do then they might die, especially in cold weather....I am pleased to say this brilliant pitch did not kill me as at one point I feared it may..
When none of this worked, I panicked and tried over the top exclamations of undying love and commitment etc etc....that did not work either....and as she looked like she was about to bite me until I screamed, I hurried off to the afternoon work session, slightly earlier than I needed to.
As soon as I got in from work it was 'mentioned' again. I am contrite of course and have apologised till my throat is sore. Yellow flower seeds, how could I do such a thing? Have I learned nothing in my five years of being owned?
![]()
It gets worse, I had a look around our rear garden and the dahlias (which MT didn't really want but generously went along with) I thought were white actually look like they are possibly yellow. The buds are definitely looking yellow....would this be a good time to mention it to her? I fear crucifixion may be imminent.....
Now to my final 'sin' of the day. In between afternoon jobs I needed to use the public toilets. At the urinals a well built 30 year old ish black guy said ' Hi'. I smiled back and said hi. He said ' God you're fucking hot'. I stood amazed, probably with mouth open, speechless for a change. I managed a nervous, 'Oh er thanks'.
I pissed quicker than I have ever pissed before, as I walked out he said 'I would love to fuck you like my bitch '. I was totally gobsmacked and left...quickly. Very quickly.
I recounted this to a highly entertained MT - "it's because you give off a bitch vibe now sweetie" - and she then asked me for the guys telephone number. I of course replied I did not have a clue....and then I got another diatribe regarding how I have previously been ordered to get a contact number if any such advances are made by 'hot sane seeming males' who might be suitable for her to utilise in her live gay porn fetish. Oh God help me.
Sleep tonight may evade me as I keep both eyes wide open and get ready to attempt to escape retribution.
Should this fail, I would politely suggest that any flowers sent to my funeral are any colour other than yellow.
But this was to pale into insignificance on the 'bad day front' as I committed a heinous crime. A crime against my Owner.......there can be no worse an act.
Now I must confess here on the internet for all to see, the shame of it all, I can hardly lift my eyes from the floor. I scattered yellow poppy seeds in our rear garden....yes I know it is hard to believe, but I did it. I feel so ashamed, please do not judge me too harshly.
I committed this heinous crime at lunch time. Newly acquired seeds from a customer, gathered from a garden, were wilfully scattered by me into two flower beds in the rear garden. What is more they are close to red roses. I realise it was a foolish and horrifying thing to do. In my defence I can only plead mitigation, that A) I thought it would brighten a dull area of the garden, B) I think they are pretty, C) I forgot just how much MT HATES YELLOW IN HER GARDEN.
A and B might be forgivable, but not C, well there is apparently no excuse for C.
Whilst having a mid day lunch break snuggle in bed with MT I chirpily told her I had a confession to make. I made my confession. MT made various comments, basically expressing displeasure (I am a master of understatement) and slapped my face vigorously. I decided to attempt to explain why this was really not such a bad thing and received more slaps. When I confessed the offending seeds were by the red roses she punched my face, slapped my face some more and generally made negative remarks. Oh...and she nearly twisted my left nipple from my chest while helpfully reminding me that the colour scheme of her garden has no room for yellow, and the red is only tolerated.
I was given a lengthy lecture (some may say diatribe), regarding 'how could I do such a thing to her garden knowing her colour scheme there is purple, blue, white & pink in an effort to neutralize the yellowish brickwork, and that yellow flowers have no place in her garden. Especially ones that spread like poppies' etc etc.
In a state of panic I had the 'brilliant' idea of suggesting I go swiftly outside and vacuum them up. I also pleaded that they are just seeds, they may not even germinate and if they even do then they might die, especially in cold weather....I am pleased to say this brilliant pitch did not kill me as at one point I feared it may..
When none of this worked, I panicked and tried over the top exclamations of undying love and commitment etc etc....that did not work either....and as she looked like she was about to bite me until I screamed, I hurried off to the afternoon work session, slightly earlier than I needed to.
As soon as I got in from work it was 'mentioned' again. I am contrite of course and have apologised till my throat is sore. Yellow flower seeds, how could I do such a thing? Have I learned nothing in my five years of being owned?
It gets worse, I had a look around our rear garden and the dahlias (which MT didn't really want but generously went along with) I thought were white actually look like they are possibly yellow. The buds are definitely looking yellow....would this be a good time to mention it to her? I fear crucifixion may be imminent.....
Now to my final 'sin' of the day. In between afternoon jobs I needed to use the public toilets. At the urinals a well built 30 year old ish black guy said ' Hi'. I smiled back and said hi. He said ' God you're fucking hot'. I stood amazed, probably with mouth open, speechless for a change. I managed a nervous, 'Oh er thanks'.
I pissed quicker than I have ever pissed before, as I walked out he said 'I would love to fuck you like my bitch '. I was totally gobsmacked and left...quickly. Very quickly.
I recounted this to a highly entertained MT - "it's because you give off a bitch vibe now sweetie" - and she then asked me for the guys telephone number. I of course replied I did not have a clue....and then I got another diatribe regarding how I have previously been ordered to get a contact number if any such advances are made by 'hot sane seeming males' who might be suitable for her to utilise in her live gay porn fetish. Oh God help me.
Sleep tonight may evade me as I keep both eyes wide open and get ready to attempt to escape retribution.
Should this fail, I would politely suggest that any flowers sent to my funeral are any colour other than yellow.
Thursday 7 July 2011
Sharing who you are
My half brother came out to the family today, well all of the family apart from his Mother. I think all of us knew he was gay ages ago. I knew when he was only about 15 years old, I just knew somehow.
I feel sad that he does not feel he can tell his Mother although I honestly think she must be in total denial of reality. As I have no time for my step Mother I would positively relish in her personal misery over her precious son being gay. It would cause her so much trauma and shame it would be delightful to be able to add to it with some well chosen remarks. But of course, that would be horrible for my brother, so is an absolute no go. Oh for that alternative universe.
It is obviously no coincidence that he has decided to do this after my Fathers death and I am not surprised. My Father was a very bigotted person, he hated gays, I often wondered if he was fighting his inner self. Oh how I would have loved to have seen my Fathers face if he had found out his last offspring was gay.........it would have been priceless and I would have enjoyed his shame so much, my Fathers shame that is.I would , however, have feared for my brother as no doubt he would have been disowned him.
My half brother is 32 years old, he has waited since he knew for sure he was gay for 16 years.We have sent him supportive messages and reassured him that it makes no difference, also that I had known for years. He has met someone and appears to be in love, so I am very happy for him.
I love my brothers but due to the distance between us and our individual commitments and lifestyles we seldom see each other. We maintain adhoc contact via the web and the occasional phone call.
As our lives so seldom cross I have never felt the need or indeed particular desire to tell them about my lifestyle. I actually would not really have a problem about telling them.
It is not so much that I am a particularly private person, it is more about ' it is not relevant' to tell people about it. I see it no different to not telling people what I ate for dinner yesterday or how many bowel movements I have in a day.
In a strange way, just to make my brother feel he is not the only one different from our clan I sort of feel I could tell him, just to make him feel not so isolated. But I have decided it is not relevant or necessary at present. If he comes and stays with us for a visit I would not hide my slavery. I do not mind being considerate of other people by not making them feel uncomfortable if they visit briefly. To be honest, the way we function, there is no need for us making any huge adjustments even when people are here. We have a very relaxed lifestyle without evident high protocols.
I feel sad that he does not feel he can tell his Mother although I honestly think she must be in total denial of reality. As I have no time for my step Mother I would positively relish in her personal misery over her precious son being gay. It would cause her so much trauma and shame it would be delightful to be able to add to it with some well chosen remarks. But of course, that would be horrible for my brother, so is an absolute no go. Oh for that alternative universe.
It is obviously no coincidence that he has decided to do this after my Fathers death and I am not surprised. My Father was a very bigotted person, he hated gays, I often wondered if he was fighting his inner self. Oh how I would have loved to have seen my Fathers face if he had found out his last offspring was gay.........it would have been priceless and I would have enjoyed his shame so much, my Fathers shame that is.I would , however, have feared for my brother as no doubt he would have been disowned him.
My half brother is 32 years old, he has waited since he knew for sure he was gay for 16 years.We have sent him supportive messages and reassured him that it makes no difference, also that I had known for years. He has met someone and appears to be in love, so I am very happy for him.
I love my brothers but due to the distance between us and our individual commitments and lifestyles we seldom see each other. We maintain adhoc contact via the web and the occasional phone call.
As our lives so seldom cross I have never felt the need or indeed particular desire to tell them about my lifestyle. I actually would not really have a problem about telling them.
It is not so much that I am a particularly private person, it is more about ' it is not relevant' to tell people about it. I see it no different to not telling people what I ate for dinner yesterday or how many bowel movements I have in a day.
In a strange way, just to make my brother feel he is not the only one different from our clan I sort of feel I could tell him, just to make him feel not so isolated. But I have decided it is not relevant or necessary at present. If he comes and stays with us for a visit I would not hide my slavery. I do not mind being considerate of other people by not making them feel uncomfortable if they visit briefly. To be honest, the way we function, there is no need for us making any huge adjustments even when people are here. We have a very relaxed lifestyle without evident high protocols.
Wednesday 6 July 2011
All the bloody time....
On FL some people claim our group is elitist. I think this is because the group is there for the discussion of a very specific dynamic ie Owner/ property relationships which are co-resident. Where the issues often occur is that some people dislike the group definitions, there are some aspects which people just do not like. The most common areas are the fact it is there to discuss co-resident relationships and not focus power exchanges that are not full time, co-resident and continuous. Another element is that there are no limits, other than which an owner may or may not impose. Additionally, the aspect of many slaves being unable to leave the relationship.
The co-resident 'issue' is the one which I think people who are not co-resident sometimes find the most difficult to understand. It is indeed perhaps one which I might have had difficulties comprehending prior to ever being involved in a 24/7 co-resident O/p relationship.This frustration may be exacerbated in people if this is the only element of the group definitions they do not meet. Though the many non co-resident contributors to the group who are such intelligent thoughtful posters often show great insight and are really valuable members of the group. And let us not forget that non co residence has many shades and variables....
Whilst there are more similarities than there are differences between partial and complete power exchanges the main difference I perceive as being paramount is the fact that there is never any time out for either party. The power exchange exists at all times without interruption, the property is continuously subject to the requirements of their owner and this is often in a way that is slightly different than when you have the pressure valve of a break of some sort.
The pressure for the owner or the property is therefore ever present. There are no 'free times' no break, no holiday, no rest. For this reason, such relationships can face specific problems that other power exchanges may never experience, because that specific pressure is not always there.
Being controlled for an hour or two is very different from being controlled for a day or two. Being controlled for a week is very different to a month etc etc. But if there is an end in sight I can often survive something I do not want or like it by saying to myself, 'well it is only for (insert finite time period). I can often put up with those things because they are not permanent . But when there is no end, it is a different matter altogether.
The initial excitement of a 24/7 PE may last for varying degrees of time for people. I believe though, everyone at some stage will realise it is not as easy as they first thought it might be. Anyone who is in a long standing O/p relationship will probably understand this only too well.
You can't just opt out whenever you want, you cant pick and choose, it is not even ' all or nothing' it is always whatever your owner wants regardless if this is what you want or not there is never an end, both parties know this.
So in my opinion, it is different, not better, not elitist...just not quite the same :)
The co-resident 'issue' is the one which I think people who are not co-resident sometimes find the most difficult to understand. It is indeed perhaps one which I might have had difficulties comprehending prior to ever being involved in a 24/7 co-resident O/p relationship.This frustration may be exacerbated in people if this is the only element of the group definitions they do not meet. Though the many non co-resident contributors to the group who are such intelligent thoughtful posters often show great insight and are really valuable members of the group. And let us not forget that non co residence has many shades and variables....
Whilst there are more similarities than there are differences between partial and complete power exchanges the main difference I perceive as being paramount is the fact that there is never any time out for either party. The power exchange exists at all times without interruption, the property is continuously subject to the requirements of their owner and this is often in a way that is slightly different than when you have the pressure valve of a break of some sort.
The pressure for the owner or the property is therefore ever present. There are no 'free times' no break, no holiday, no rest. For this reason, such relationships can face specific problems that other power exchanges may never experience, because that specific pressure is not always there.
Being controlled for an hour or two is very different from being controlled for a day or two. Being controlled for a week is very different to a month etc etc. But if there is an end in sight I can often survive something I do not want or like it by saying to myself, 'well it is only for (insert finite time period). I can often put up with those things because they are not permanent . But when there is no end, it is a different matter altogether.
The initial excitement of a 24/7 PE may last for varying degrees of time for people. I believe though, everyone at some stage will realise it is not as easy as they first thought it might be. Anyone who is in a long standing O/p relationship will probably understand this only too well.
You can't just opt out whenever you want, you cant pick and choose, it is not even ' all or nothing' it is always whatever your owner wants regardless if this is what you want or not there is never an end, both parties know this.
So in my opinion, it is different, not better, not elitist...just not quite the same :)
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Perspectives
Since my 'therapy' courtesy of MT I have been feeling much better. The bruising is not so painful so sitting is more relaxing than it was.
We have been having quite spectacular sessions in the bedroom over the last two days. We are both looking quite tired, last night the attempts at sleep did not start until nearly 01-30 am. Then today on my first work break there was more 'activity'. I am indeed a lucky and fortunate slave.
To a vanilla outsider I would probably look rather strange sitting here only wearing my denim shorts and my collar writing my blog.But of course it feels perfectly normal and natural to me. It is funny how the same 'scene' may be viewed and interpretted depending upon individual perspectives.
We have been having quite spectacular sessions in the bedroom over the last two days. We are both looking quite tired, last night the attempts at sleep did not start until nearly 01-30 am. Then today on my first work break there was more 'activity'. I am indeed a lucky and fortunate slave.
To a vanilla outsider I would probably look rather strange sitting here only wearing my denim shorts and my collar writing my blog.But of course it feels perfectly normal and natural to me. It is funny how the same 'scene' may be viewed and interpretted depending upon individual perspectives.
Monday 4 July 2011
Behavioural therapy
OK. yesterdays post was a little depressing, I guess I was feeling a bit temperamental perhaps the two components of the word more aptly explain how I was. Basically I got upset, lost my temper and kicked off.
This morning I awoke feeling not too much better in terms of spirit. There was one thing that might sort my head out. So I asked MT if she could give me a beating as I felt I needed one. Now it is perhaps an unwise move to ask a miffed MT to give a beating, but I can be a bit of a lemming sometimes.
I was still in bed at the time so there was no need to strip off. MT decided she would start by giving me a slippering over her knee. I find it very humiliating to be put over her knee and for her to use the 'slipper' is even more humiliating. For those overseas, a slipper in this case is a black school style gym shoe. MT enjoys the fact I find this humiliating and also finds it an effect tool to make my cheeks very red, hot and sore.
Then it was the dreaded sjambok, that thing hurts so much, I now understand why MT loves them so much. It thuds hard into my flesh causing impact pain and then 20 seconds or so later the stinging starts and how it stings. I certainly got what I asked for, MT ensured she did a sound and thorough job on my buttocks plus a few gentler ones on the thighs.
I strayed several times from my kneeling position on the bed, forced to lay flat by the blows. When I did not get back up quickly enough the blows came down as I was laying there, which forced me back to my kneeling position PDQ. I got really good hiding.
I begged for mercy as the pain became worse as I became more bruised, but MT continued (which I had expected, she is a sadist after all, but this was also corrective therapy).
I knew she would not stop either when I started to cry, if anything, it usually spurs her on. I sobbed into the pillow and begged some more for mercy. Some minutes (many blows later) it stopped and I felt relieved, I also felt so broken and totally relaxed and unwound.....it's a miracle.
I should have known that it was not going to end there and sure enough MT decided to use me with the strap on. For over an hour my 'enthusiastic' owner very roughly penetrated her property. Sometimes this is not an unpleasant experience and very occasionally I even enjoy bits of it, today was a mix between enjoy and endure. This usually only happens when I'm very very broken down.
Eventually it stopped and I was left lying impaled on MT as she rested and relaxed.
Being used this hard was exactly what I needed, it brought me out of where I was and back to my owner's side and back to the right state of mind.
One of the many reasons why MT is so special to me is that she is the only person who has EVER been able to control me. Even though I can be exceptionally difficult, sometimes impossible, I always end up being put back where I belong. I like the fact she can control me like this, it makes me feel safe and very loved.
This morning I awoke feeling not too much better in terms of spirit. There was one thing that might sort my head out. So I asked MT if she could give me a beating as I felt I needed one. Now it is perhaps an unwise move to ask a miffed MT to give a beating, but I can be a bit of a lemming sometimes.
I was still in bed at the time so there was no need to strip off. MT decided she would start by giving me a slippering over her knee. I find it very humiliating to be put over her knee and for her to use the 'slipper' is even more humiliating. For those overseas, a slipper in this case is a black school style gym shoe. MT enjoys the fact I find this humiliating and also finds it an effect tool to make my cheeks very red, hot and sore.
Then it was the dreaded sjambok, that thing hurts so much, I now understand why MT loves them so much. It thuds hard into my flesh causing impact pain and then 20 seconds or so later the stinging starts and how it stings. I certainly got what I asked for, MT ensured she did a sound and thorough job on my buttocks plus a few gentler ones on the thighs.
I strayed several times from my kneeling position on the bed, forced to lay flat by the blows. When I did not get back up quickly enough the blows came down as I was laying there, which forced me back to my kneeling position PDQ. I got really good hiding.
I begged for mercy as the pain became worse as I became more bruised, but MT continued (which I had expected, she is a sadist after all, but this was also corrective therapy).
I knew she would not stop either when I started to cry, if anything, it usually spurs her on. I sobbed into the pillow and begged some more for mercy. Some minutes (many blows later) it stopped and I felt relieved, I also felt so broken and totally relaxed and unwound.....it's a miracle.
I should have known that it was not going to end there and sure enough MT decided to use me with the strap on. For over an hour my 'enthusiastic' owner very roughly penetrated her property. Sometimes this is not an unpleasant experience and very occasionally I even enjoy bits of it, today was a mix between enjoy and endure. This usually only happens when I'm very very broken down.
Eventually it stopped and I was left lying impaled on MT as she rested and relaxed.
Being used this hard was exactly what I needed, it brought me out of where I was and back to my owner's side and back to the right state of mind.
One of the many reasons why MT is so special to me is that she is the only person who has EVER been able to control me. Even though I can be exceptionally difficult, sometimes impossible, I always end up being put back where I belong. I like the fact she can control me like this, it makes me feel safe and very loved.
Sunday 3 July 2011
Weekend blues
Sometimes you look forward to a weekend and it ends up nothing like you had hoped and this was one of them. After a busy week and having to work on Saturday I was hoping for a stress free quiet time just chilling.
My back and knee have both been really painful and if that was insufficient to spoil a weekend a stomach upset as well ensured a relaxing weekend was doomed.
I did manage to watch the motorbike racing so that was good, although not as quietly as I would have hoped. I feel quite grumpy and miserable today which I dislike immensely. Life is like that sometimes though, so it is just one of those things.
Tomorrow is another day, as they say and I really can't wait for today to end.
My back and knee have both been really painful and if that was insufficient to spoil a weekend a stomach upset as well ensured a relaxing weekend was doomed.
I did manage to watch the motorbike racing so that was good, although not as quietly as I would have hoped. I feel quite grumpy and miserable today which I dislike immensely. Life is like that sometimes though, so it is just one of those things.
Tomorrow is another day, as they say and I really can't wait for today to end.
Saturday 2 July 2011
twats
I shall have to ask MT if I can reveal information regarding my 'treats' mentioned on yesterdays blog.
I read a few posts on a Femdom web site yesterday. There were comments about a wide range of things including somewhat negative remarks about Femdoms who cuckold their slaves, Owner/property relationships and about extreme sadistic play.
The ' extreme sadistic play ' remark was particularly interesting, to paraphrase, one author felt that the sadist was not to blame but the victim was and questioned how anyone could possibly allow someone to do such terrible things to them.
As to 'cuckolding' to paraphrase, someone wrote that slaves are being totally stupid if they do not realise that one day their owners will run off with the bull.
To paraphrase the comment regarding being property and not having the right to leave etc, went along the lines of ' I can't see why anyone would like to live like this, and they could leave if they wanted to etc etc it is just delusional.
Now I do believe of course that people are free to have their opinions, I am fully supportive of this. So here is my view of the persons comments.
The person in question is a submissive and believes in female supremacy and allegedly practices this... whilst there is of course nothing at all wrong with this it hardly places him in a position to criticize other peoples lifestyle.
It appears he is not currently in a relationship (what a surprise), has never been involved personally with cuckolding and basically seems to actually know very little about the subject if anything at all.
His views on O/p relationships yet again illustrate he is talking from a virtually zero knowledge base. I think he has absolutely nothing to worry about in regards to ever becoming property, no one sane would possibly even consider him.
He even went on discuss if he was repeatedly fucked with a strap on and then made to come on the strap on and then suck the spunk off it might be a good way to condition someone to eventually accept being fucked by a man and doing arse to mouth. He stated of course he had no gay desires but did wonder if he could be conditioned by this procedure.
Sometimes I despair of some people.
To be in a committed relationship requires great effort by all parties and to stay in it requires even greater effort.
I have been in a few relationships (lots actually). But I have never been in such a fantastic relationship as the one I am in now. Our relationship is full of love, honour, honesty, respect, commitment, dedication, caring, consideration, fun, happiness and hundreds of other wonderful things, far too many to mention.
I get plenty of use by my uber dominant sadistic owner yet I ALWAYS feel loved and cared for. If my owner takes another lover, then so what, I know she loves me and will stay with me and I will always stay with her. It is not a threat, it is an enhancement, an extension of our lives and a testament to the strength of our relationship.I am always involved, always there and everything is open and upfront...unlike many vanilla relationships.
I have never been happier than I am now by being my owners property, nothing comes close to what we have. Yes there have been difficult times and no doubt some more to come. But our life together is so special and so precious we will get through any difficulties and come out stronger the other side.
I find this lifestyle so fucking hard at times and yet it suits me totally and fulfills me.
People like the twat I referred to do not really deserve mention but I like to express my opinions sometimes, especially regarding ill informed bigots.
I read a few posts on a Femdom web site yesterday. There were comments about a wide range of things including somewhat negative remarks about Femdoms who cuckold their slaves, Owner/property relationships and about extreme sadistic play.
The ' extreme sadistic play ' remark was particularly interesting, to paraphrase, one author felt that the sadist was not to blame but the victim was and questioned how anyone could possibly allow someone to do such terrible things to them.
As to 'cuckolding' to paraphrase, someone wrote that slaves are being totally stupid if they do not realise that one day their owners will run off with the bull.
To paraphrase the comment regarding being property and not having the right to leave etc, went along the lines of ' I can't see why anyone would like to live like this, and they could leave if they wanted to etc etc it is just delusional.
Now I do believe of course that people are free to have their opinions, I am fully supportive of this. So here is my view of the persons comments.
The person in question is a submissive and believes in female supremacy and allegedly practices this... whilst there is of course nothing at all wrong with this it hardly places him in a position to criticize other peoples lifestyle.
It appears he is not currently in a relationship (what a surprise), has never been involved personally with cuckolding and basically seems to actually know very little about the subject if anything at all.
His views on O/p relationships yet again illustrate he is talking from a virtually zero knowledge base. I think he has absolutely nothing to worry about in regards to ever becoming property, no one sane would possibly even consider him.
He even went on discuss if he was repeatedly fucked with a strap on and then made to come on the strap on and then suck the spunk off it might be a good way to condition someone to eventually accept being fucked by a man and doing arse to mouth. He stated of course he had no gay desires but did wonder if he could be conditioned by this procedure.
Sometimes I despair of some people.
To be in a committed relationship requires great effort by all parties and to stay in it requires even greater effort.
I have been in a few relationships (lots actually). But I have never been in such a fantastic relationship as the one I am in now. Our relationship is full of love, honour, honesty, respect, commitment, dedication, caring, consideration, fun, happiness and hundreds of other wonderful things, far too many to mention.
I get plenty of use by my uber dominant sadistic owner yet I ALWAYS feel loved and cared for. If my owner takes another lover, then so what, I know she loves me and will stay with me and I will always stay with her. It is not a threat, it is an enhancement, an extension of our lives and a testament to the strength of our relationship.I am always involved, always there and everything is open and upfront...unlike many vanilla relationships.
I have never been happier than I am now by being my owners property, nothing comes close to what we have. Yes there have been difficult times and no doubt some more to come. But our life together is so special and so precious we will get through any difficulties and come out stronger the other side.
I find this lifestyle so fucking hard at times and yet it suits me totally and fulfills me.
People like the twat I referred to do not really deserve mention but I like to express my opinions sometimes, especially regarding ill informed bigots.
Friday 1 July 2011
To Ava
We had a fantastic two days and nights with Ava staying with us. She is absolutely lovely and is fantastic company. I am a somewhat jealous person when it comes to MT, but I never have those feelings when we are with Ava. We did our photo shoot which was great fun, some will be posted here but the majority on FL. There are some, however, which shall remain private for obvious reasons.
I felt sad this morning saying goodbye to Ava especially as it may be a long time before we see her again. It is not often that you find someone who is so compatible with a couple, especially an owner and a slave.
It was also great to see MT enjoying herself so much, I think she is always in her element when deciding which bit to use next and she had plenty of choices with Ava and I and she took them.
I was also a very lucky slave to be allowed some treats which I have not had for several years.
It was also great to see MT enjoying herself so much, I think she is always in her element when deciding which bit to use next and she had plenty of choices with Ava and I and she took them.
I was also a very lucky slave to be allowed some treats which I have not had for several years.
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