Bleeding Love.

On yesterdays blog I talked about how I deal with pain whilst I am receiving it. The actual physical element at the time obviously gains my attention somewhat. As I have mentioned I hate pain and will try to avoid receiving it whenever possible. The physical after-effects are easier for me to deal with, as the intensity of the pain will be far less than it was at the time it was inflicted. There have been times, however, where the pain of the aftermath has been very intense. The cuts, bruises and swelling can be very unpleasant and act as a physical reminder of my place as MT's property.

The biggest impacts for me though are not the physical ones, but the the psychological ones. After physical use I often feel very relaxed, totally destressed, I often feel very contented and calm. I also have an intensified feeling of being owned, I find this part hard to explain, it is just the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel so close to MT, I feel pleased I have made her happy by taking the pain, I feel like I have been able to give her something that is special to her. The harder the use has been, usually the greater the
feeling I have pleased her. This makes me feel I have given her good service and I know that she is pleased by that.

Some of the time I feel like I need a bit of extra love and affection after physical use, other times I do not, there does not seem to be a pattern I can define.On very rare occasions, I sometimes feel a 'little hard done by' and sorry for myself. I have noticed when this happens that I tend to withdraw into myself for a while. I become introverted and like to be pretty much left alone, I can become quite silent and even sullen. It is a strange feeling, sometimes it has been when i have felt ' if she really loved me how could she hurt me so much'? It then takes a little time for me to process it, to deal with it, to re-affirm internally that I know I am loved. In some ways it is probably easier for me to reconcile this than it is for some people, as I know MT is a sadist and she does it for her pleasure, and also, to keep me in line (and as a sadist myself I have a personal recognition of that urge).

So in a way, it is more acceptable, more normal, because it is all part of her.

This is not me 'throwing myself under the bus', BUT, the reality is, if I am not used physically for a while I actually start to feel as though I am not loved as much. I know it is total bollocks, especially when the main reason I do not get physical use is when MT is too ill to move.  It is one of those things where rationality goes a little out of the window and feelings take over. But I suppose that is where I often differ from other members of my gender, I see no weakness in either having 'feelings' or displaying them or making them public.

The main way I experience physical pain for MT when she is this ill is by my flesh being cut and her drinking my blood. This is especially beneficial to her when she's ill as it always makes her feel better than she was, even when she's very ill. It is a very important thing to her. The last few times she has been too unwell to even cut me herself safely though so I have cut my own inner arm and put it to her mouth as she's been lying down when she's been very very ill. She likes that, it's something she sees as very special and intimate and it obviously means a lot to her, especially when she's ill.  I also like it though I hate the pain (which owing to how fiercely she sucks can be very intense) as it's something I know always makes her feel better even when nothing else does. It feels like good service to provide her with the thing she really craves even when she's this ill and can't do it herself. It's very very intimate and she says it always makes her feel better to some degree even when nothing else does.

Dragged kicking and screaming

We had a successful visit to the hospital today. The consultant was really helpful and is changing her medication to another type which will hopefully improve things for her. She will have to wait about 8 weeks to start the new medication. MT is in a significant amount of pain today and has had to take a lot of strong painkillers.She really is not functioning very well, but is bearing up remarkably well. I just wish I could take all of her pain away from her and take it myself.

When MT and I first started out together we instantly fell into a D/s relationship. This was a massive shock to my system, and my arse. I was suddenly swept/ dragged along in a tidal wave of submission. I remember thinking to myself the very first time we were 'active' 'who the fuck does she think she is doing that to me'? and 'you cant do that, it just isn't right '. In total fairness, she had asked if I had any limits, and stupidly I had underestimated her and said 'no, do whatever you want'. At the time, I was made to regret that bravado many many times over.

MT is what I would consider to be a natural sadist, it is part of her nature, not the biggest part, but an intrinsic one. She seems to love everything about it. The hunt, the chase and finally the kill, but of course there is no kill and for good reason, the fun would be over, far better to wound and keep your victim alive so you can use them again...and again, whenever and wherever she wants. For my part, I was hooked, I had never wanted this consciously, I had spent most of my life as the hunter, now I had become the prey. I found that being the prey actually gave me a massive buzz, the fear , the unknown, the pain, the humiliation, being made to submit, and also choosing to submit.

The harsh reality of losing control actually scared me, yet it excited me at the same time, having to yield like I had never done before, it was all so fucking weird, yet at the same time so wonderful, so new so refreshing. There were, however, times when I did not want to yield, where the old me kept rushing to the surface like someone drowning and gasping for air, for life itself. Sometimes this made things difficult, almost impossible, but it was a combination of things that resolved these difficulties. MT's natural dominance, her determination, and most significant, our love for each other, my desire to please her overrode my desire to try to defeat her. And, importantly, I had many years experience of being the dominant one in relationships and each one had run its course and it had always been me who had ended them. So, it was time to try something new, to throw myself on MT's sword.. .and her strap on as it transpired, and to just submit to her.

It is an ongoing journey, up hills (sometimes mountains), down mountains, sometimes falling, sometimes tumbling and sometimes abseiling and sometimes just taking time and making a slow deliberate descent. There are many obstacles, some real, some perceived and some which still sometimes feel insurmountable.

I do not know what our destination is, I do not even know if there is one, I do not know how far we will travel or how long it will take, but there is one thing I know for certain - we will make the journey together and arrive wherever we end up, together and more fulfilled than we ever would have been had we never ventured out together.

Ok , just used up a whole years worth of gush in one blog.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...Oh that feels better, much more masculine now :)