We had a successful visit to the hospital today. The consultant was really helpful and is changing her medication to another type which will hopefully improve things for her. She will have to wait about 8 weeks to start the new medication. MT is in a significant amount of pain today and has had to take a lot of strong painkillers.She really is not functioning very well, but is bearing up remarkably well. I just wish I could take all of her pain away from her and take it myself.
When MT and I first started out together we instantly fell into a D/s relationship. This was a massive shock to my system, and my arse. I was suddenly swept/ dragged along in a tidal wave of submission. I remember thinking to myself the very first time we were 'active' 'who the fuck does she think she is doing that to me'? and 'you cant do that, it just isn't right '. In total fairness, she had asked if I had any limits, and stupidly I had underestimated her and said 'no, do whatever you want'. At the time, I was made to regret that bravado many many times over.
MT is what I would consider to be a natural sadist, it is part of her nature, not the biggest part, but an intrinsic one. She seems to love everything about it. The hunt, the chase and finally the kill, but of course there is no kill and for good reason, the fun would be over, far better to wound and keep your victim alive so you can use them again...and again, whenever and wherever she wants. For my part, I was hooked, I had never wanted this consciously, I had spent most of my life as the hunter, now I had become the prey. I found that being the prey actually gave me a massive buzz, the fear , the unknown, the pain, the humiliation, being made to submit, and also choosing to submit.
The harsh reality of losing control actually scared me, yet it excited me at the same time, having to yield like I had never done before, it was all so fucking weird, yet at the same time so wonderful, so new so refreshing. There were, however, times when I did not want to yield, where the old me kept rushing to the surface like someone drowning and gasping for air, for life itself. Sometimes this made things difficult, almost impossible, but it was a combination of things that resolved these difficulties. MT's natural dominance, her determination, and most significant, our love for each other, my desire to please her overrode my desire to try to defeat her. And, importantly, I had many years experience of being the dominant one in relationships and each one had run its course and it had always been me who had ended them. So, it was time to try something new, to throw myself on MT's sword.. .and her strap on as it transpired, and to just submit to her.
It is an ongoing journey, up hills (sometimes mountains), down mountains, sometimes falling, sometimes tumbling and sometimes abseiling and sometimes just taking time and making a slow deliberate descent. There are many obstacles, some real, some perceived and some which still sometimes feel insurmountable.
I do not know what our destination is, I do not even know if there is one, I do not know how far we will travel or how long it will take, but there is one thing I know for certain - we will make the journey together and arrive wherever we end up, together and more fulfilled than we ever would have been had we never ventured out together.
Ok , just used up a whole years worth of gush in one blog.....Fuck, Fuck, Fuck...Oh that feels better, much more masculine now :)
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