The First Cut May Not be The deepest

Yesterdays embarrassing photo has received mega views on FL. I have to give MT her due, she does know how to humiliate people. Nicknames such as peacock boy and pixie peacock have been floated around.

It is always interesting to note that it is mainly the female slaves that enjoy my humiliation the most. I think there is a heavy portion of sadistic tendencies in some of them.You know who you are.

MT is not very well and has had to get steroids, despite her feeling really crap she did manage to re-carve my anniversary mark and drink a little blood. It seemed to perk her up a bit. I meanwhile, found it excruciatingly painful..........it had just sort of started to heal.

After the cutting and the drinking she then cleaned my cuts with something that stung like acid, I still do not know what she used but it hurt like hell.So much so that I actually screamed.

Anniversary

The day finally arrived after much anticipation and trepidation. As usual, it was lovely to wake up next to MT but of course it was extra special today being as it was our 5th anniversary of her owning me.

Early this morning I was told to sit up in bed, I was anticipating some painful act, but instead was given a bow wrapped gift from MT. Inside the very nice box was a really lovely stainless steel bracelet. MT said that I am to wear it in place of my collar, when I am unable to wear my collar. It was a really nice surprise and I really like it a lot, it is something I would have chosen myself. And it's nice to have something to wear as a substitue collar as I would like to wear mine more often.

I then gave MT the bespoke anniversary card I had designed via Moonpig, it was of course of 'appropriate design' for the occasion ;) As is customary on our anniversary, I then presented her with my gift to her. The 'customary' part being, that I give her something she can inflict pain on me with.

This year, I chose something which she had previously expressed an interest in, a short synthetic cane. So I presented her with a short (60cm) 6 mm thick synthetic cane with a lambskin handle. I deliberately chose the thinner diameter as we have quite a few thicker canes and the thinner ones provide a greater sting, require less effort to wield and break my skin easier. Just the things she likes. I also gave her a voucher for money toward her planned driving lessons. This is kind of 'silly' as she could use the money anyway, but she keeps different budgets so it's effectively put some extra funds into that account (and under the present status of the funds I'm allowed to do that). Her driving plans are her main agenda at present that I know of. Though I'm quite sure that as usual she's up to a lot more of which I have no idea.....

After my doctor's appointment ( very useful, more medication including proper painkillers) it was time to start our day together at home. I was permitted the luxury of an iced Belgian bun filled with fresh cream, OMG it was the best one I have ever tasted. MT told me afterwards that it was 'before-care'. I cooked MT her poached eggs and made her Earl Grey tea as usual. Then it was off to the bedroom.

After a thorough inspection of her property and associated verbal report, which was favourable, but not without some directions for the future, it was time to be test her new toy.

After some very thorough 'testing' that went on for an extremely long time and covered a great deal of my body, and after much pillow biting, screaming and shouting, not to mention pleading, the synthetic cane was finally put to one side. The next item on Her agenda was 'marking' of the 5 years on my right hip.

The pain was almost unbelievable (she can do it less painfully but frequently elects not to), the overwriting was incredibly painful and at one point I would have given anything to have had it stopped.....but of course that is not an option. The mark is to become permanent, so this is sort of the initial cut. It will be re-opened as many times as required to form a permanent scar. MT of course enjoyed sucking at my blood, vigorously.  After she had finished she cuddled me and we both fell asleep.

It has been a wonderful day and it is not even 6-00 pm yet,so there is plenty of time left to enjoy the rest of the evening. I'm also very aware that MT has not finished with tormenting my body for the day, and she's usually much more intense at night time....

Being property is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but it also happens to be the best thing I have ever done. At times I find it so difficult, but the rewards are sublime and I would not swap it for anything.

I love MT and I really love our relationship. It has it's ups and downs, but then life is like that, and there are always far more ups than downs. I am very fortunate to have found my place in life. I am Hers.

Gentle day

MT's health has taken a bit of a decline over the last few days. I am hoping she is not heading towards one of her bad periods. I meanwhile, am feeling not too bad, although I have felt a little more stressed over the last couple of days. I am not sure way, perhaps i have got too acclimatised to the anti anxiety pills. Anyhow, I will be seeing the doctor on Thursday for a review, maybe he will tweak my medication a bit.

I pleasured MT today, as usual ;) did some shopping and quite a few little chores around the house, it was a sort of gentle busy day. Back to work tomorrow, hopefully, the weather forecast is not good, but really could do with the money as Xmas is approaching so quickly.

Our 5 th anniversary draws ever closer and with each day I grow a little bit more nervous. Knowing pretty much what I am going to receive and the pain it will bring is such a powerful thing. It is very much one of those double edged sword moments.

Medicine MT style

The much awaited doctor's appointment arrived today. Cutting a long story short, I am to stop taking the dreadful strong painkillers that make me ill, stay on the anti inflamatory ones, and now have mild anti anxiety tablets (no surprise there then) and some sleeping tablets for short term use because he says a lot of the issue is down to the perpetual lack of sleep owing to the pain in my knee. MT said it was good of the doctor to prescribe knockout rape drugs for her use.......and for only the cost of the prescription. Was this supposed to help with my anxiety ? Let me meditate on that.

This was also exactly what MT was hoping for from the consultation, so I'm not surprised. 

Once back home MT suggested a nice snuggle and relax in bed. Like the proverbial 'lamb to the slaughter' I got into bed, closely followed by wily MT. There was a snuggle, then a command to pleasure her.

Then I was instructed to find and put on the dreaded peach panties. I tried the old ' Oh I am not sure where they are'  routine, but of course it was just going through the delaying tactic motions that I knew would be useless.

So clad in peach panties....sorry no pics hehe, I was told to get across MT's knee and then I was spanked. As I lay over her knee taking my spanking without too much fuss I just knew what would follow. Sure enough, after about ten minutes MT went and fitted the strap on belt and I was ordered onto my side. She would have preferred to have me up on my knees but the poor left knee just will not bend at present without intolerable pain.

My panties were pulled down onto my thighs and I felt the wave of humiliation. So many times in my past have I done this to girls and now I am the one on the receiving end, it really is a fucking liberty. With my panties down and my cheeks parted all I could do was wait for the inevitable painful penetration. MT was gentle but forceful and all I could do was try and relax and take it......just like a 'wife' as she again told me.

There were of course numerous taunts by MT, I shall not bore you with the details (you will have to use your imagination). And of course I yelled and kicked as per normal. I was then teased over onto my stomach still impaled by MT and then given a thorough rough arse raping. After several orgasms (MT's of course) she finally finished with me. I was left bruised and very sore.

After a short rest it was time to go and do the supermarket shop.

"Slight" trepidation

Every year I receive at least two or three severe beatings from MT. These are a routine thing 'just because' and not anything to do with punishment or due to some specific misdemeanour. These truly are occasions that I find so difficult it is hard to put them into words. Suffice to say, by the end I am bruised, broken, bleeding and crying.

MT just happened to mention in bed that it has been a long time since I had been given a "proper" beating. Her rather 'matter of fact, it's nothing' tone sounding almost insignificant to an untrained ear. The words, however, had a huge impact on me and I could almost feel my heart sink as it beat that nervous beat it always does when impending doom is going to descend.

I realised of course that she was right, I could almost say it is overdue by normal standards. So far five whole months have passed of this year without one. I could look on the positive side of that, but reality tells me there is nothing positive about the situation. I must now sit back and wait for the inevitable torment.

As we are going out to a new venue soon, it is occurring to me that could be the location. When she is really brutal with me it is usually always in private, so a public beating of this nature would be especially bad. I always beg and plead (pathetically in the end) for mercy and for it to stop, but of course it only stops when MT has decided it will stop and she is relentless and fierce. I cry and scream and lose the plot so it would be really humiliating to have this witnessed by strangers. I would much rather this be in private and hold on to at least a scrap of dignity. My main hope is that MT wouldn't be that sadistic in public for her own self preservation.

These beatings (etc, there is often much more than just that) are a necessary thing, it reminds me of my place, keeps me in line and afterwards I feel sort of tranquil and settled and somehow safe. It also makes me feel loved. Most importantly though MT needs to really vent her sadism sometimes

Reading this back, makes me realise just how much I have changed.

Bleeding Love.

On yesterdays blog I talked about how I deal with pain whilst I am receiving it. The actual physical element at the time obviously gains my attention somewhat. As I have mentioned I hate pain and will try to avoid receiving it whenever possible. The physical after-effects are easier for me to deal with, as the intensity of the pain will be far less than it was at the time it was inflicted. There have been times, however, where the pain of the aftermath has been very intense. The cuts, bruises and swelling can be very unpleasant and act as a physical reminder of my place as MT's property.

The biggest impacts for me though are not the physical ones, but the the psychological ones. After physical use I often feel very relaxed, totally destressed, I often feel very contented and calm. I also have an intensified feeling of being owned, I find this part hard to explain, it is just the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel so close to MT, I feel pleased I have made her happy by taking the pain, I feel like I have been able to give her something that is special to her. The harder the use has been, usually the greater the
feeling I have pleased her. This makes me feel I have given her good service and I know that she is pleased by that.

Some of the time I feel like I need a bit of extra love and affection after physical use, other times I do not, there does not seem to be a pattern I can define.On very rare occasions, I sometimes feel a 'little hard done by' and sorry for myself. I have noticed when this happens that I tend to withdraw into myself for a while. I become introverted and like to be pretty much left alone, I can become quite silent and even sullen. It is a strange feeling, sometimes it has been when i have felt ' if she really loved me how could she hurt me so much'? It then takes a little time for me to process it, to deal with it, to re-affirm internally that I know I am loved. In some ways it is probably easier for me to reconcile this than it is for some people, as I know MT is a sadist and she does it for her pleasure, and also, to keep me in line (and as a sadist myself I have a personal recognition of that urge).

So in a way, it is more acceptable, more normal, because it is all part of her.

This is not me 'throwing myself under the bus', BUT, the reality is, if I am not used physically for a while I actually start to feel as though I am not loved as much. I know it is total bollocks, especially when the main reason I do not get physical use is when MT is too ill to move.  It is one of those things where rationality goes a little out of the window and feelings take over. But I suppose that is where I often differ from other members of my gender, I see no weakness in either having 'feelings' or displaying them or making them public.

The main way I experience physical pain for MT when she is this ill is by my flesh being cut and her drinking my blood. This is especially beneficial to her when she's ill as it always makes her feel better than she was, even when she's very ill. It is a very important thing to her. The last few times she has been too unwell to even cut me herself safely though so I have cut my own inner arm and put it to her mouth as she's been lying down when she's been very very ill. She likes that, it's something she sees as very special and intimate and it obviously means a lot to her, especially when she's ill.  I also like it though I hate the pain (which owing to how fiercely she sucks can be very intense) as it's something I know always makes her feel better even when nothing else does. It feels like good service to provide her with the thing she really craves even when she's this ill and can't do it herself. It's very very intimate and she says it always makes her feel better to some degree even when nothing else does.

When it hurts

One of the things I find really hard in our O/p relationship relates to being owned by a sadist. Now if one was a masochist, this would seem like a match made in heaven. Unfortunately for me, I am not a masochist in the normal use of the word. As I have said before generally speaking, I totally hate pain and derive no direct sexual arousal from being subjected to pain.There are a few exceptions, but these are very specific things and even then it is not a guaranteed response.

I am by nature a sadist, and so is MT, I have never had any desire to be sadistic to MT, MT just loves to be sadistic to me, which is also unfortunate. There is very little that arouses her as much as inflicting pain on me, lots of pain and it really turns her on. She becomes almost like a wild animal sometimes, especially when blood flows, she is always in control but her wild side not so much emerges, it sort of leaps out at me.

Taking the pain is so hard for me, even though I have a very high pain threshold. I have had several broken bones in the past which I did not seek medical attention for, (not from MT I hasten to mention).But the pain I get from MT is often far more unbearable than those breaks. On many occasions I just want it to stop, at the time, I want it to stop more than anything else in the world and would probably agree to anything. Well I have to anyway, but you know what I mean.

I grit my teeth, I clench my fists, tense every bone and ligament at the lowest levels of pain I gasp. As the pain intensifies I hear myself grunt, shout, swear, scream, beg, plead, swear more, sometimes go totally quiet, I sweat profusely, sometimes shake, beg even more and when it really becomes so bad I cry. It may start with what humiliatingly could be called 'snivelling' and then proceed to full on crying or just gushes into full on crying and uncontrollable sobbing, sometimes accompanied by more screams.

Sometimes I want to say 'fuck off', sometimes I want to 'demand' it stops, sometimes I even think 'how can she hurt me like this when she is supposed to love me' . But deep inside, I know she loves me, even at the worst moments, I even think that perhaps there is an element of 'she wants to hurt me this much because she loves me so much'.

Some might wonder how I deal with this, well the physical pain is 'difficult' , that's a really big understatement. I get through it by thinking about the bigger things.Perhaps this goes some way to explain it;

I belong to MT, she is free to use me however and whenever she wants in any way she wants, that is her right.

As her property it is my place to accept and take anything she gives me, as willingly and cooperatively as I can.

I knew she was a sadist when I met her, I was fully aware of this, therefore I accepted this when I asked to be owned by her.

MT really enjoys being sadistic to me, it meets a need in her, she finds it arousing and fulfilling.

MT loves the fact I hate pain and yet take it so freely for her, it pleases her, it makes her happy. And I love to make he happy.

I like being able to give her this, it is something many would not be able to give her, but I can, I love pleasing her.

An important thing I often have to remind myself is that it is NOT about what I want, it is not about ME, everything is about HER.And that helps me get through it.


PS. MT is still in a lot of pain and is feeling very unwell. We would both like to thank everyone  who has been supportive, it is really nice to have so many people who send such kind words.

My owner's a pain.

There are many things I love about our O/p relationship, but there are a few things that are not only 'not loved' but actually very intensely disliked. The aspect I dislike the most is pain, I am not really a masochist, generally speaking I get no sexual gratification from pain (there are one or two exceptions but I seldom get those acts). I seldom get anything that I actively like, usually the opposite applies.

I hate pain and unfortunately, I happen to be in love with a very harsh sadist. It is however, strangely also one of the reasons I love her so much. Confused?  Well, although I hate it, she knows I 'benefit' from it, I do not really understand why I need it but it just feels right and afterwards I feel very calm, loved and importantly, very very very owned.

I have several different responses to pain and I never really know which one will manifest itself until I start to feel it. There are times when I really, and I mean really totally fucking resent it. There have been occasions where I have just wanted to say 'just fucking well stop you fucking bitch' or I have really had to stop myself from just getting up and fucking off somewhere, or the worst where I have felt like getting up and smashing the pain giving device.

Then there are the main times where after the initial angst/ anger/ fear etc I just settle into it, knowing that there is nothing I can do but take it. Knowing that no matter how much I plead, no matter how much I beg, or scream or shout or swear or break and cry it will go on for however long MT wants it to. I know totally that I am powerless in this scenario, unless there is some medical reason or extreme psychological trigger issue which she responds to.

There are times when the pain is the result of MT using me sexually, the same applies. No matter how much it hurts or how much I scream or cry it continues until MT has had enough. As an ex Dom and as a sadist I not only understand this, but also respect and admire it. Live by the sword die by the sword seems an apt phrase. There is also probably quite a lot of karma about it, I never thought I would ever end up on the receiving end, literally. MT is right, lube is a 'privilege' and not a right.

At the moment, due to MT being unwell, I have had a few weeks where there has not been any pain (apart from seeing MT unwell). I am missing it, yet I do not want it, I know I need it, I need it quite badly. It keeps me calm, keeps me focused, it helps to keep me in line, it reinforces our O/p and it makes me feel loved. She really has done a good job on me hasn't she?

The really big positive thing about taking this pain for MT is because she loves it so much. It makes her so happy to see me in so much pain/ agony and she loves the fact I am taking it for her, to please her, especially as she knows I hate it so much. She knows she goes way beyond any line I would draw, it's part of what she likes. She really does get a kick out of my pain, she becomes so aroused, so animated and so animalistic...  she is never more beautiful or as alluring as when she is like this. She glows.

Of course there is also the emotional/ psychological sadism, but I will save that for another day.

New Years Eve Degenerations

MT is shagging me to death. Sexual service last night was energetic, no that's a massive understatement, it was bloody exhausting. Nearly 1-00 am, yet again, before I was permitted to 'stand down', if you will excuse the pun.

Tonight, I have been informed is to be a night of  service to MT, dress code informal, collar and plug - how twee. Must remember to turn the heating up higher although it is to be expected the 'cheeks' may get warmed, God I hate the Tyburn, it's definitely the stupidest present I ever gave her.

We are however, going to commence the evening with a cosy meal, wine and candles. See slavery can be romantic as well. I do not expect I will be allowed much wine, as She does not like me to have any anaesthetic before or during physical use. Maybe I could sneak a couple of painkillers down just to take the edge off, OK I know that's cheating, the punishment would be very harsh so I guess that option's out damn it..

MT insists I to prepare myself for her. My head and face are freshly shaven, as are my chest, buttocks and 'boy bits', (I cant believe I just said that). Even though we have been together for over 4 years I still get nervous when we plan such time together. I can feel my heart beating a bit faster and my breath getting deeper. It always feels like this. I should be used to it,

I feel excited, yet scared, I always do. I spent 22 years of my life as a Fire Fighter/Senior Officer and came close to death on numerous occasions, but this is so much more intense. Perhaps the pre-meditation of it adds to the angst.

Time to go, oh dear.

Happy New Year