One of the things I find quite fascinating on social network sites is people's profiles. A particular aspect is what people identify themselves as and their sexual orientation. Being a bit of an oldie I often have to ask MT about the more obscure modern ones. When I was young the main identifiers were male or female, heterosexual or gay. Now there appears to be a myriad of descriptors.
In terms of gender. it is easy for me, I am male - well I was the last time I looked.
Sexual orientation, now this one used to be simple as well, as I was, pre MT, most definitely straight. I have heterosexual on my FL profile, but in terms of activity it could be argued this is not exactly accurate. As MT has forced me into gay acts, a case could be made that I am bisexual.
In a vanilla context most people do not have this quandary. I personally identify as being straight, I do not find men attractive and have no desire to either have sex with a man or have any type of relationship with one, other than as a friend (and I have very few of these). But, the reality is that I have been forced to give oral sex to numerous men, and have been fucked by one man at MT's behest. So, technically speaking I suppose most people would identify this as being bisexual.
So I wonder to some extent what it is that should identify me, my own sexual orientation (totally straight) or what I have to do as owned property which is behaving as bisexual. MT does occasionally allow me some heterosexual acts under her direction aside from our sex life together. Thus bisexual does probably describe me more accurately in terms of activity, yet I feel personally it is not really 'me'. It may be what I do as part of my slavery, but I have no draw to it in terms of my orientation.
An interesting thing did happen to me in Cardiff, however, which took me totally by surprise. MT took me to a gay club and downstairs there was a dance area. To say I had a few drinks would be an understatement, but I am not going to use the ' I was drunk' excuse.
For the first time in my life, I actually saw a guy who I was sort of attracted to. In my opinion, he was exceptionally good looking and I felt sort of drawn to him. He was with his boyfriend, but we engaged a few smiles and just before he left he came over for a chat. I had of course confessed this to MT who was almost besides herself with glee. It was very very strange for me, a totally new experience that I had never imagined being possible for me to have.
I did not feel any sexual arousal towards him at all, I just felt attracted to him in a more vague way, it was really fucking weird.
MT has spent a lot of time and effort on reprogramming me in numerous ways. I do sort of wonder if the gay activities have sort of conditioned me to be able to find a man attractive to some degree. It has so far been a 'one off' but then not much time has passed since then, nor have I been in that type of environment since.
MT forces me to have sex with guys for two main reasons, she finds gay live porn (as she refers to it) as fucking hot and also knows I am straight and loves to humiliate me by making me have sex with men which she knows I really dislike. She also likes to spend weeks afterwards referring to such events and keeping the humiliation going. Photographic mementos etc are also sometimes delivered.
I have no desire to ever find a man attractive again, let alone ever desire one sexually, but I cant help thinking that if I did, then it would be the removal of a very powerful weapon in MT's armament. But I guess I would end up being the biggest loser as I would miss out on so much humiliation - but MT would find some way to use it as a weapon. She's really good at that.
MT has just read this and is very amused as she says she knows exactly why "I was getting my gay on". She is however refusing to tell me.
Showing posts with label orientation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orientation. Show all posts
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Monday, 17 January 2011
My eyes may look blue, but they are actually green.
On an earlier blog Hawk asked the following ' What if she took a second slave that was a female? Would that be better?'
Apologies first to Hawk for not responding directly. I had intended to answer it in the following blog but as usual other things cropped up. So I will try to explain how I feel about not being the only male MT may use for her pleasure.
An important aspect to cover is that I knew she was bisexual when I met her. I also knew, that her preference was usually strongly for females, and who can blame her. Very early on there was an understanding that while we would be heterosexually monogamous she would have female lovers/ submissives/ playmates if and when she wanted them. I of course would be monogamous full stop. I nearly just wrote, 'this was not a problem', then changed my mind because it's not that straightforward, in fact it is complicated.
As a red blooded male, of course I love to watch two women in sexual contact, I have spent a lifetime in the pursuit of sexual adventure and this has been a big turn on for me on many occasions. I used to regularly make my submissives perform for me in this and other ways and obviously enjoyed this. So in theory I was very ok about MT having female submissives and lovers, especially if she let me be present. Therefore I was very surprised the first time she had a sexual encounter with a female, I felt a pang, a feeling deep inside that I did not like. This was the woman who I love with all my heart, I wanted to be her only object of desire, I wanted to be her everything and I felt a bit hurt that I could not fulfill all of her needs. As is usual with me, I have an initial reaction to something (usually mad outburst of rage but not on this occasion), spend ages mulling it over in my tiny little mind and then come to a conclusion.
My conclusions were easy, I knew the score right from the start, there had been total transparency about her sexuality and her intentions. I had accepted the terms and therefore I had no right to bitch about it. She loves the female form and all the feminine elements that make a woman. It was this that made acceptance easier, this was something I could not give her because I was male, this made me feel much better, it was like it was outside of my span of capability, therefore I could accept it.
The heterosexual monogamy issue was in our early written slave contract, along with some other agreements, but I actually offered all removal of the restrictions as a gift to MT as a sign of my trust and commitment to her very soon after we signed the thing, so it fast became redundant and there became no limits or restrictions whatsoever.
The whole lesson of her taking pleasure from other males came about due to my stupidity of trying to control/ manipulate her, it might never have occurred otherwise (trying to control MT is an idiotic move for anyone, let alone her slave). It was her way of putting me in my place and of course it was very effective. I find the prospect of another male slave/ submissive/ whatever so very different from her having a female. As her man, partner, lover and slave combined, I want to be the only male she ever wants or needs (I have a very different mental attitude regarding MT having a male slave as opposed to a male sub or any other male as well, and I'll wade my way through that in another blog post). I suppose in my head I feel I really should be the only male she ever wants in any way. Her wanting females is something I just physically cannot compete with. Being a man is what I am, therefore if I am not the only man in her life it does make me feel sort of inadequate ie not enough for her, it may sound silly, but it is actually how I feel.
Some people might think it is because I am insecure and worry that she might ditch me for another man, but strangely perhaps, this is not a concern. MT likes women far more than men, there would objectively be much more chance of her ditching me for a female. I am also secure in the fact she loves me. I have spent most of my life being a hypocrite when it comes to relationships and sex with others, ie it was ok for me to do it but not them. As her slave I have no rights, I accept that.
My purpose is to serve her and make her happy and that is what I am committed to doing. I sometimes have to do or accept things I do not want or like, it goes with the territory. I realised many years ago that I have huge flaws as a person as well as my positive attributes and whilst I can try to be better with some things I just may never actually be able to do so on some things. I do not have to like MT having another male slave or her using other males for her pleasure , but I do have to accept it if and when she does and not allow my feelings to interfere with her happiness. If they just all happen to disappear it won't be my fault ;)
Apologies first to Hawk for not responding directly. I had intended to answer it in the following blog but as usual other things cropped up. So I will try to explain how I feel about not being the only male MT may use for her pleasure.
An important aspect to cover is that I knew she was bisexual when I met her. I also knew, that her preference was usually strongly for females, and who can blame her. Very early on there was an understanding that while we would be heterosexually monogamous she would have female lovers/ submissives/ playmates if and when she wanted them. I of course would be monogamous full stop. I nearly just wrote, 'this was not a problem', then changed my mind because it's not that straightforward, in fact it is complicated.
As a red blooded male, of course I love to watch two women in sexual contact, I have spent a lifetime in the pursuit of sexual adventure and this has been a big turn on for me on many occasions. I used to regularly make my submissives perform for me in this and other ways and obviously enjoyed this. So in theory I was very ok about MT having female submissives and lovers, especially if she let me be present. Therefore I was very surprised the first time she had a sexual encounter with a female, I felt a pang, a feeling deep inside that I did not like. This was the woman who I love with all my heart, I wanted to be her only object of desire, I wanted to be her everything and I felt a bit hurt that I could not fulfill all of her needs. As is usual with me, I have an initial reaction to something (usually mad outburst of rage but not on this occasion), spend ages mulling it over in my tiny little mind and then come to a conclusion.
My conclusions were easy, I knew the score right from the start, there had been total transparency about her sexuality and her intentions. I had accepted the terms and therefore I had no right to bitch about it. She loves the female form and all the feminine elements that make a woman. It was this that made acceptance easier, this was something I could not give her because I was male, this made me feel much better, it was like it was outside of my span of capability, therefore I could accept it.
The heterosexual monogamy issue was in our early written slave contract, along with some other agreements, but I actually offered all removal of the restrictions as a gift to MT as a sign of my trust and commitment to her very soon after we signed the thing, so it fast became redundant and there became no limits or restrictions whatsoever.
The whole lesson of her taking pleasure from other males came about due to my stupidity of trying to control/ manipulate her, it might never have occurred otherwise (trying to control MT is an idiotic move for anyone, let alone her slave). It was her way of putting me in my place and of course it was very effective. I find the prospect of another male slave/ submissive/ whatever so very different from her having a female. As her man, partner, lover and slave combined, I want to be the only male she ever wants or needs (I have a very different mental attitude regarding MT having a male slave as opposed to a male sub or any other male as well, and I'll wade my way through that in another blog post). I suppose in my head I feel I really should be the only male she ever wants in any way. Her wanting females is something I just physically cannot compete with. Being a man is what I am, therefore if I am not the only man in her life it does make me feel sort of inadequate ie not enough for her, it may sound silly, but it is actually how I feel.
Some people might think it is because I am insecure and worry that she might ditch me for another man, but strangely perhaps, this is not a concern. MT likes women far more than men, there would objectively be much more chance of her ditching me for a female. I am also secure in the fact she loves me. I have spent most of my life being a hypocrite when it comes to relationships and sex with others, ie it was ok for me to do it but not them. As her slave I have no rights, I accept that.
My purpose is to serve her and make her happy and that is what I am committed to doing. I sometimes have to do or accept things I do not want or like, it goes with the territory. I realised many years ago that I have huge flaws as a person as well as my positive attributes and whilst I can try to be better with some things I just may never actually be able to do so on some things. I do not have to like MT having another male slave or her using other males for her pleasure , but I do have to accept it if and when she does and not allow my feelings to interfere with her happiness. If they just all happen to disappear it won't be my fault ;)
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