Being a bitch boy

In many ways there are ways in which being a slave is the same or very similar, regardless of the gender of either the slave or Owner.

From a physical perspective, there is one area where I feel perhaps a little more 'vulnerable' being a male slave with a female Owner.
This is a sensitive area for me........in more ways than one and it relates to being used by my Owner with her strap on and here is my reasoning;

• Her cock is always ready for action, any time, any place, anywhere.

• There is no need for her to be aroused to fuck me.

• She can attach virtually any size cock to her belt that she wishes, thus being able to vary the length as well as the girth (unfortunately) and this is a big one for me....usually just too big.

• Her cock never goes limp, she can orgasm and just carry on like nothing has happened. I know some men can do this but there is usually a limit. MT has no limit.
  

• Her cock never gets sore or bruised or damaged to interfere with it's use. She can be as rough as she likes free of personal consequence.

• Because it is synthetic there is hardly any give in it, thus the only thing that is going to yield is my arse.

• MT has a huge sexual appetite and is a vigorous lover and can virtually orgasm all day and night. Obviously this has an impact on my arse.

• When she has finished she often goes to sleep with me still impaled on her cock. This state of affairs then remains until she removes it, if she falls asleep I'm left helplessly mounted.....

On the plus side, there is no spunk to have to deal with, so that is one positive.

'Getting my gay on'.

One of the things I find quite fascinating on social network sites is people's profiles. A particular aspect is what people identify themselves as and their sexual orientation. Being a bit of an oldie I often have to ask MT about the more obscure modern ones. When I was young the main identifiers were male or female, heterosexual or gay. Now there appears to be a myriad of descriptors.

In terms of gender. it is easy for me, I am male - well I was the last time I looked.

Sexual orientation, now this one used to be simple as well, as I was, pre MT, most definitely straight. I have heterosexual on my FL profile, but in terms of activity it could be argued this is not exactly accurate. As MT has forced me into gay acts, a case could be made that I am bisexual.

In a vanilla context most people do not have this quandary. I personally identify as being straight, I do not find men attractive and have no desire to either have sex with a man or have any type of relationship with one, other than as a friend (and I have very few of these). But, the reality is that I have been forced to give oral sex to numerous men, and have been fucked by one man at MT's behest. So, technically speaking I suppose most people would identify this as being bisexual.

So I wonder to some extent what it is that should identify me, my own sexual orientation (totally straight) or what I have to do as owned property which is behaving as bisexual. MT does occasionally allow me some heterosexual acts under her direction aside from our sex life together. Thus bisexual does probably describe me more accurately in terms of activity, yet I feel personally it is not really 'me'. It may be what I do as part of my slavery, but I have no draw to it in terms of my orientation.

An interesting thing did happen to me in Cardiff, however, which took me totally by surprise. MT took me to a gay club and downstairs there was a dance area. To say I had a few drinks would be an understatement, but I am not going to use the ' I was drunk' excuse.

For the first time in my life, I actually saw a guy who I was sort of attracted to. In my opinion, he was exceptionally good looking and I felt sort of drawn to him. He was with his boyfriend, but we engaged a few smiles and just before he left he came over for a chat. I had of course confessed this to MT who was almost besides herself with glee. It was very very strange for me, a totally new experience that I had never imagined being possible for me to have.

I did not feel any sexual arousal towards him at all, I just felt attracted to him in a more vague way, it was really fucking weird. 

MT has spent a lot of time and effort on reprogramming me in numerous ways. I do sort of wonder if the gay activities have sort of conditioned me to be able to find a man attractive to some degree. It has so far been a 'one off' but then not much time has passed since then, nor have I been in that type of environment since.

MT forces me to have sex with guys for two main reasons, she finds gay live porn (as she refers to it) as fucking hot and also knows I am straight and loves to humiliate me by making me have sex with men which she knows I really dislike. She also likes to spend weeks afterwards referring to such events and keeping the humiliation going. Photographic mementos etc are also sometimes delivered.

I have no desire to ever find a man attractive again, let alone ever desire one sexually, but I cant help thinking that if I did, then it would be the removal of a very powerful weapon in MT's armament. But I guess I would end up being the biggest loser as I would miss out on so much humiliation - but MT would find some way to use it as a weapon. She's really good at that.

MT has just read this and is very amused as she says she knows exactly why "I was getting my gay on". She is however refusing to tell me.

Another 'light bulb' moment

We had a great time in Cardiff, it really is a nice place to spend some time. It was fantastic having quality time with MT, I love spending time with her. Having some time just for the two of us is very special, it is a pity time passed so quickly.

Unfortunately I put on nearly 5 pounds, so I am back on the very low carb diet today.I don't mind the diet actually, I have sort of adapted to that way of eating. The low carb eating will probably become my normal eating pattern with an occasional lapse into the eating of the carbs I love so much.

Changing the subject completely, I have started to identify something about me that I have mixed feelings about.

I have prior to being owned always been an exceptionally independent person. To some extent, even though I have been owned for nearly 5 years I have often still felt that I am not dependent upon anyone, including MT.. This did not concern me in the slightest because it was what I was used to.

I am unsure when this independence feeling started to wane, but I have suddenly realised it has. I have increasingly started to feel more dependent ie wanting/needing to be with MT more and thus wanting to spend less time without her.

I have noticed I have become a little resentful of not being able to be with her due predominantly to having to go work.It feels like I am missing out and I do not like it.

On one hand, I feel very happy that obviously my slavery to MT has become even deeper. My desires to please her and make her happy have also become stronger as time has passed. This enhanced state of feeling 'I need to be with her' is a lovely feeling, but it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable at the same time.

Feeling like I 'need' to be with her so much makes me feel sort of insecure. It makes me feel vulnerable and I find that unnerving. In past relationships I have never felt I needed to be with that person, often, I also knew I would only be with them for a finite period, because that was what I wanted. So feeling I need to be with MT is a new feeling and is quite uncomfortable.

I have never felt any fear of a relationship ending before. I have never felt a relationship to be that important. Nor have I ever worried about all the 'what ifs' eg what if they get bored with me, find someone else, get someone else to be a big part in their life etc etc.

I want to make it very clear that our relationship is totally solid and this feeling is not as a result of some drama/problem/issue that has occurred or is occurring.

It is just my sudden and unexpected realisation that I have slipped further into being enslaved.The feeling brings me great happiness and a sense of achievement....but it also scares the hell out of me at the same time.

Sharing who you are

My half brother came out to the family today, well all of the family apart from his Mother. I think all of us knew he was gay ages ago. I knew when he was only about 15 years old, I just knew somehow.

I feel sad that he does not feel he can tell his Mother although I honestly think she must be in total denial of reality. As I have no time for my step Mother I would positively relish in her personal misery over her precious son being gay. It would cause her so much trauma and shame it would be delightful to be able to add to it with some well chosen remarks. But of course, that would be horrible for my brother, so is an absolute no go. Oh for that alternative universe.


It is obviously no coincidence that he has decided to do this after my Fathers death and I am not surprised. My Father was a very bigotted person, he hated gays, I often wondered if he was fighting his inner self. Oh how I would have loved to have seen my Fathers face if he had found out his last offspring was gay.........it would have been priceless and I would have enjoyed his shame so much, my Fathers shame that is.I would , however, have feared for my brother as no doubt he would have been disowned him.

My half brother is 32 years old, he has waited since he knew for sure he was gay for 16 years.We have sent him supportive messages and reassured him that it makes no difference, also that I had known for years. He has met someone and appears to be in love, so I am very happy for him.

I love my brothers but due to the distance between us and our individual commitments and lifestyles we seldom see each other. We maintain adhoc contact via the web and the occasional phone call.
 As our lives so seldom cross I have never felt the need or indeed particular desire to tell them about my lifestyle. I actually would not really have a problem about telling them.

It is not so much that I am a particularly private person, it is more about ' it is not relevant' to tell people about it. I see it no different to not telling people what I ate for dinner yesterday or how many bowel movements I have in a day.

In a strange way, just to make my brother feel he is not the only one different from our clan I sort of feel I could tell him, just to make him feel not so isolated. But I have decided it is not relevant or necessary at present. If he comes and stays with us for a visit I would not hide my slavery. I do not mind being considerate of other people by not making them feel uncomfortable if they visit briefly. To be honest, the way we function, there is no need for us making any huge adjustments even when people are here. We have a very relaxed lifestyle without evident high protocols.

Tongues are for talking FFS

Following on from the subject of a certain person not being very perfectly slavelike lately, MT has been providing the slave with some attention.Some people crave 'attention' but it does depend on the type of attention one likes, or perhaps more importantly the types one doesn't like.

Now I admit, the eyebrows were a little bushy. I will also admit, I had wrongly assumed I could just go ahead and have a cream bun. So I have acknowledged my heinous crimes, and of course I knew there would be some price to pay.

First a little bit of relevant history. A long time ago an owner decided her slave was a little too self opinionated had a high opinion of himself and needed some humility training. A large variety of initiatives were implemented and these were generally speaking, more than just a little disliked by the slave in question.

A particular humiliating act was introduced for a while. Even typing this is very difficult, but, in the interests of honesty and full disclosure... MT decided, it would be 'good for my humility' if I were to lick and tongue her arse regularly, knowing that I had never done this before. Therefore, this became a routine requirement and guess what? The slave did feel very humiliated and degraded at being used in this way. This act, was then relegated to whenever the mood took her, although there have been a couple of occasions where I had to do it to someone other than MT. The last time was to prepare a girls arse for MT's use.

This week, this act has been re-introduced as a routine occurrence, and I was instructed to offer this service daily. Having successfully completed my first day, I then failed to offer appropriately for two consecutive days..... this morning my lack of compliance was 'discussed'. Of course I instantly provided the required service, but the damage had been done. I have been advised that should it be deemed 'necessary' I may possibly be given the task of providing this service to a man of MT's choosing as a 'focusing aid' ... 'Yuk' seriously does not do the thought justice.

So, I had better get my slave head back on and focused pretty damn quick or life will become very tricky. MT's recovery phase could be said to be progressing quite well, from her point of view. The slave in question is suddenly being put back into his place and needs to get there very speedily. I'm focusing....

If....

Today was mega busy so I am glad it is over, too much work and not enough chilling time.

Sometimes I sort of forget that I am property, not in a way that means I think I am vanilla, just that it is so much of my everyday life that the tag just doesn't really register. Then suddenly I think about it and it makes me focus on it more. Today was one such day. Probably because MT has been unwell I have not given it a lot of thought lately. As there are signs of her appearing again, it seems to have re-sparked my awareness.

After work I looked in the mirror and realised I had not been keeping my body shaved as well as I normally do. In fact a couple of areas had remained unshaven for a while, areas which I am normally required to maintain. So obviously, being aware of my slippage, I started to put things back to how they should be. It is funny how a simple thing like this not only reminds me I am property but also gives me this deep sense of being owned. As I shaved, it even made me take a few deeper breaths, I take deeper breaths sometimes when MT is using me or humiliating me. It is as though I suddenly need more air, not in a bad way, just that I need to catch my breath.

In many ways I feel sort of resentful that my slavery can not be totally transparent. I feel I should be totally visible as MT's property at all times. I suppose I personally relate more to an ancient slave than any other type. I sometimes crave that MT could lead me around chained and naked whenever and wherever she wanted. I know I would be mortified by this, but somehow I feel that it is the way I should be. I love our life together, but can't help but feel we are living our lives in a way we were not meant to.

I expect, to many this may sound like so many fantasies that people have. But I do not feel it as a fantasy, it feels more like that I have been sort of cheated out of the life we could have had. I know a life like that would be harsh and perhaps it might have even broken me, probably would have, but it just feels like it is the way it should have been.

MT has said on several occasions she would love us to have a time together alone in a remote location where she could really treat me as she wants. To totally break me down. She has told me some of what she wants and even though I know her very well I was quite suprised at the depths she wants to take me. I actually felt a certain amount of fear yet I also felt a  certain degree of disappointment that we can not actually do it yet. I really have become a strange creature.

The Bitch is (coming) back?

An O/p life is just like a normal life in many ways in regards to things coming along that interfere with it. The biggest imposition has been MT's health problems, and this is something that even owners can not control.

An MT unimpeded by bad health takes some living with. Uber dominant and sadistic with a voracious sexual appetite is enough to scare the most hardened of men or women. There is constant pressure and expectation and the word 'no' has no meaning, unless she utters it.

When it is like this we are very active. Active at in our life at home, going out, and doing normal things, as well as the nights out where, with MT anything can happen. It is fast paced, quite racy, decadent and it is fun, albeit that sometimes her sadism is hard to take.

When MT is unwell, there is a huge shift of emphasis. Virtually all kinky stuff obviously goes out of the window, and life is pretty much a battle to just get through all the things that need to be done to keep us afloat. 'Busy' becomes an unsuitable word to describe how it impacts on me. In addition to work, there is the looking after MT, doing all the shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, looking after the little person, school runs, managing the finances, maintenance, repairs etc etc. I get exhausted.

MT does her best to make my workload easier but when she is very ill there is very little she can do. The O/p dynamic is always apparent and obvious, it just manifests itself in different ways. In simple terms it becomes virtually all about providing services, keeping everyone and everything going, including myself.

A few days of illness is miles different from weeks or months, then it becomes one of our most difficult things we have to deal with. In short spells, I do not miss the sex and direct active submission very much, usually I am too busy or too tired or both. But, when it becomes a longer period the desires do flare up, but there is no outlet for them. I start to miss sex/ orgasms, I miss providing MT with the sexual services, and I even miss the physical use I get even including the pain and humiliation.

But most of all, I miss her. When she is very ill she obviously does not always feel like communicating, she is often so ill all she wants to do is sleep or rest. I miss her conversation, her humour, and all the snuggly bits. The snuggly bits have to go sometimes because she is in so much pain she can not bear being touched at all. I think we both then start to feel lonely and we can easily become a bit detached. This is something we have recognised and are striving to overcome. We are trying to maintain our contact more and our attachment so we do not feel isolated. Isolation is an especially bad thing for MT as she is by nature very outgoing and sociable. She has significantly self isolated lately which is not a good sign.

In the last few days there has been a few glimmers of her normal self appearing though, and that is so heartwarming. I have started to see my owner re-emerging as she gains some strength and has a bit of respite from the intense pain.

Of course, while I am so very pleased and happy for this improvement it does also fill me with the dread of the inevitable return to hard use. After a prolonged absence, I find it hard to go back to that level of use. It has taken almost 5 years to get used to it all, after even relatively short breaks, getting back into it, or more correctly, being got back into is hard to take. It is also difficult because while MT is ill I revert to a more autocratic style, having to wind my neck in again and go back to my place can sometimes be tricky.

But even  that's worth it to have her back.

When it hurts

One of the things I find really hard in our O/p relationship relates to being owned by a sadist. Now if one was a masochist, this would seem like a match made in heaven. Unfortunately for me, I am not a masochist in the normal use of the word. As I have said before generally speaking, I totally hate pain and derive no direct sexual arousal from being subjected to pain.There are a few exceptions, but these are very specific things and even then it is not a guaranteed response.

I am by nature a sadist, and so is MT, I have never had any desire to be sadistic to MT, MT just loves to be sadistic to me, which is also unfortunate. There is very little that arouses her as much as inflicting pain on me, lots of pain and it really turns her on. She becomes almost like a wild animal sometimes, especially when blood flows, she is always in control but her wild side not so much emerges, it sort of leaps out at me.

Taking the pain is so hard for me, even though I have a very high pain threshold. I have had several broken bones in the past which I did not seek medical attention for, (not from MT I hasten to mention).But the pain I get from MT is often far more unbearable than those breaks. On many occasions I just want it to stop, at the time, I want it to stop more than anything else in the world and would probably agree to anything. Well I have to anyway, but you know what I mean.

I grit my teeth, I clench my fists, tense every bone and ligament at the lowest levels of pain I gasp. As the pain intensifies I hear myself grunt, shout, swear, scream, beg, plead, swear more, sometimes go totally quiet, I sweat profusely, sometimes shake, beg even more and when it really becomes so bad I cry. It may start with what humiliatingly could be called 'snivelling' and then proceed to full on crying or just gushes into full on crying and uncontrollable sobbing, sometimes accompanied by more screams.

Sometimes I want to say 'fuck off', sometimes I want to 'demand' it stops, sometimes I even think 'how can she hurt me like this when she is supposed to love me' . But deep inside, I know she loves me, even at the worst moments, I even think that perhaps there is an element of 'she wants to hurt me this much because she loves me so much'.

Some might wonder how I deal with this, well the physical pain is 'difficult' , that's a really big understatement. I get through it by thinking about the bigger things.Perhaps this goes some way to explain it;

I belong to MT, she is free to use me however and whenever she wants in any way she wants, that is her right.

As her property it is my place to accept and take anything she gives me, as willingly and cooperatively as I can.

I knew she was a sadist when I met her, I was fully aware of this, therefore I accepted this when I asked to be owned by her.

MT really enjoys being sadistic to me, it meets a need in her, she finds it arousing and fulfilling.

MT loves the fact I hate pain and yet take it so freely for her, it pleases her, it makes her happy. And I love to make he happy.

I like being able to give her this, it is something many would not be able to give her, but I can, I love pleasing her.

An important thing I often have to remind myself is that it is NOT about what I want, it is not about ME, everything is about HER.And that helps me get through it.


PS. MT is still in a lot of pain and is feeling very unwell. We would both like to thank everyone  who has been supportive, it is really nice to have so many people who send such kind words.

Perceptions

Sometimes I forget what a strange existence O/p must seem to the majority of the human race. I also still find it incredible that I have become part of this strange phenomena in the way that I have. To those on the outside, we must seem quite bizarre, giving up all rights and all control to another person, leaving ourselves totally dependent on someone else.The fact we choose to live this way must really spin their heads.

Just out of curiosity, I sometimes wonder what they really think we must be like as individuals, and collectively. I wonder if they perceive us as people without strength/ ability/ self esteem/ courage/ drive etc ? Do they see us as needy non functioning misfits who just want to to be controlled so that they do not have to make decisions or be responsible for their own actions ?

Of course, there will be a significant percentage of people who remain ignorant of our existence at all or of the whole principle of power exchange relationships at any level. To some, those who engage in BDSM are considered perverts and deviants who should have no place in society, imagine what those people would make of O/p.

The great thing about it though, is it does not matter to me at all what they think, it is my life and I am free to live it how I choose. I can honestly say that I find my life now much more fulfilling than before being property. I feel like it is where I belong.

In my opinion and from my own experience, to become property takes great strength, resilience, resolve, bravery and adventurousness. To me it was impossible to foresee what it would actually be like without having actually committing myself to it. I might have had romantic notions, and some level headed preconceptions but it transpired to be so much more and so much harder than I could have imagined.  

Nor did I perceive what a moving beast it would be, how when I thought I could not be any more enslaved than I was I would suddenly find myself launched onto yet another level. And I did not know, that sometimes, it would become so hard it would seem like my first day at it. The levels build and build and I find myself so far removed from the being I was when I first became enslaved. I know, I am only part of the way along an experience that will only terminate when life expires. I look forward to my future knowing I am in safe hands, knowing I will continue to grow and evolve.
_____

MT is still very unwell. She reports that her pain levels have decreased sightly which is positive, but she is looking very unwell, clearly in a lot of pain, and sleeping a lot. I really hope that she will start to feel better and be back to her normal self soon.

Just a day

Today was a fairly normal day, apart from the fact that MT and I actually managed to spend 3 hours together as I had a job cancelled. It was really nice to spend some quality time together, of course most of this was spent in the prone position, no change there then.

MT is suffering quite a lot from her RA at the moment, her joints in her knees and hips are particularly troublesome.


On Friday we are venturing out to a club again. The trepidation is already beginning to mount, same venue as last time, so one can expect more pain and humiliation. The drive home is always so uncomfortable, I must remember to ask permission to get a soft cushion.

I have not had very much physical use recently as the recipient, because MT has been in too much pain. It is always a strange period when this happens. In some ways I feel the relief of not having to take all the painful stuff and of course the humiliation. On the other hand, I miss it and crave it, which I still find difficult to comprehend.

I have  learned to accept this is how I am, but it still puzzles me. It puzzles me so much, because the only thing I really get out of her sadism in a direct positive way is the pleasure of making her happy by taking whatever she dishes out.Perhaps I have moved along my path of slavery further than I thought, where I really am learning to focus entirely on her needs.