My eyes may look blue, but they are actually green.

On an earlier blog Hawk asked the following ' What if she took a second slave that was a female? Would that be better?' 

Apologies first to Hawk for not responding directly. I had intended to answer it in the following blog but as usual other things cropped up. So I will try to explain how I feel about not being the only male MT may use for her pleasure.

An important aspect to cover is that I knew she was bisexual when I met her. I also knew, that her preference was usually strongly for females, and who can blame her. Very early on there was an understanding that while we would be heterosexually monogamous she would have female lovers/ submissives/ playmates if and when she wanted them. I of course would be monogamous full stop. I nearly just wrote, 'this was not a problem', then changed my mind because it's not that straightforward, in fact it is complicated.

As a red blooded male, of course I love to watch two women in sexual contact, I have spent a lifetime in the pursuit of sexual adventure and this has been a big turn on for me on many occasions. I used to regularly make my submissives perform for me in this and other ways and obviously enjoyed this. So in theory I was very ok about MT having female submissives and lovers, especially if she let me be present. Therefore I was very surprised the first time she had a sexual encounter with a female, I felt a pang, a feeling deep inside that I did not like. This was the woman who I love with all my heart, I wanted to be her only object of desire, I wanted to be her everything and I felt a bit hurt that I could not fulfill all of her needs. As is usual with me, I have an initial reaction to something (usually mad outburst of rage but not on this occasion), spend ages mulling it over in my tiny little mind and then come to a conclusion.

My conclusions were easy, I knew the score right from the start, there had been total transparency about her sexuality and her intentions. I had accepted the terms and therefore I had no right to bitch about it.  She loves the female form and all the feminine elements that make a woman. It was this that made acceptance easier, this was something I could not give her because I was male, this made me feel much better, it was like it was outside of my span of capability, therefore I could accept it.

The heterosexual monogamy issue was in our early written slave contract, along with some other agreements, but I actually offered all removal of the restrictions as a gift to MT as a sign of my trust and commitment to her very soon after we signed the thing, so it fast became redundant and there became no limits or restrictions whatsoever.

The whole lesson of her taking pleasure from other males came about due to my stupidity of trying to control/ manipulate her, it might never have occurred otherwise (trying to control MT is an idiotic move for anyone, let alone her slave). It was her way of putting me in my place and of course it was very effective. I find the prospect of another male slave/ submissive/ whatever so very different from her having a female. As her man, partner, lover and slave combined, I want to be the only male she ever wants or needs (I have a very different mental attitude regarding MT having a male slave as opposed to a male sub or any other male as well, and I'll wade my way through that in another blog post). I suppose in my head I feel I really should be the only male she ever wants in any way. Her wanting females is something I just physically cannot compete with. Being a man is what I am, therefore if I am not the only man in her life it does make me feel sort of inadequate ie not enough for her, it may sound silly, but it is actually how I feel.

Some people might think it is because I am insecure and worry that she might ditch me for another man, but strangely perhaps, this is not a concern. MT likes women far more than men, there would objectively be much more chance of her ditching me for a female. I am also secure in the fact she loves me. I have spent most of my life being a hypocrite when it comes to relationships and sex with others, ie it was ok for me to do it but not them. As her slave I have no rights, I accept that.

My purpose is to serve her and make her happy and that is what I am committed to doing. I sometimes have to do or accept things I do not want or like, it goes with the territory. I realised many years ago that I have huge flaws as a person as well as my positive attributes and whilst I can try to be better with some things I just may never actually be able to do so on some things. I do not have to like MT having another male slave or her using other males for her pleasure , but I do have to accept it if and when she does and not allow my feelings to interfere with her happiness. If they just all happen to disappear it won't be my fault ;)

Hard To Swallow

Just couldn't resist the title. If you are going down you may as well go down properly.....

Sometimes I think I have been pushed as far as I can be, and then MT always pushes me even further. In the last couple of months I feel I have become more of a slave than I had been previously. I sort of feel like sometimes within my slavery I have been in complete darkness, then there have been moments of faint light and shadows, as time has passed there have been flashes of light, then either darkness or dim light.... The patches of darkness have become less common, and I have felt more 'illuminated'. Recently, mainly due to MT informing me she may choose to take sexual pleasure in other men, I suddenly realised I was truly owned. Last night it was like all the lights had come on at once, I realise now that I have moved into another level of my slavery.

At the bi swingers/ BDSM club I was filled with the usual trepidation. There was a varied mix of people, as usual more single males than couples, and that is always a very bad sign for me. During the course of the next 5 hours I underwent so many different experiences, feelings and emotions I can barely recount them all. I was made to separately suck four different men's cocks. I think it is important to clarify that I am most definitely not bisexually orientated, and under no circumstances would I ever do any bisexual acts at my own volition. Watching me perform acts so deeply contrary to my base orientation is something which gives MT a sadistic control kick which she loves. It also reinforces how owned I am in no uncertain terms, and that I no longer have any freedom of my own will. Of the four men, three of them were each seen separately in a private room with MT, and the other one in a public area. One of them spunked down my throat, which was particularly 'distasteful', not to mention extremely humiliating, and quite surprising as he just did it without any prior warning. Honestly some people's manners are appalling.

In the private room two of the men were allowed by MT to caress her and give her numerous orgasms with their fingers, and mouth on her ass, whilst I was forced to watch at the same time as sucking their cocks. I was given the almighty humiliation of her telling me to pull down her sexy panties onto her thighs so that they could could fondle her ass. Both of the guys had objectively fit bodies, but even I could tell that one of them was very good looking and had a very toned and muscled body and it was very clear MT found him very attractive, which made me feel even worse. Afterwards I was forced to thank them 'for pleasuring my woman'. I thought I was actually going to choke on the words even more than I choked on the cock of the guy MT liked (because of course the one she found hot had to have a fucking huge cock the bastard), but managed to utter them - probably not very convincingly though.

My next trial was being bent over a bench in a public area and being given a very harsh caning in front of a group of men. The caning was very painful and as usual I hollered and howled, just a tad embarrassing. One of the guys fondled my cheeks and poked his finger into my ass. My cheeks and thighs were very sore and bruised and still are.

Seeing MT use other men to humiliate me and for her sexual pleasure was the 'big thing' I had been dreading. When she first informed me of the possibility several months ago I felt devastated. I was jealous, I wanted to be the only male and hated the thought of it, I was also scared that it would ruin our relationship, even to the point of wondering if I could still love her. I know this probably sounds very illogical, selfish, childish and a myriad of other things, but quite frankly, the thought was driving me nuts. My base nature is that of an extremely jealous, possessive man. I realize that this may be seen by some as a flaw in a personality however, it has been a key part of who I am and how I have lived my life. This area is one that I've never compromised on before in any relationship. It additionally strikes very heavily at some of my baggage, where infidelity basically brought about the demise of my two marriages. I think this speaks volumes for my relationship with MT. I love her more than I loved any other women and pleasing her is more important that pleasing myself, albeit by pleasing her I've realized that it actually does please me. My being owned means much more to me than any marriage, and evidently more than my key driver of possessiveness and jealousy. It seems life really isn't about Me-Me-Me anymore.

We spoke about it, I read about it, I kept convincing myself I was a slave and this was part of it etc etc and little by little the realisation grew that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It was her right and it was my duty to be a good slave regardless of how it made me feel. Much easier said than done, but then aren't most things?



I was relieved I did not feel broken and damaged (this is a shining testament to the work she's systematically done over the years). I then realised not only did I feel even more love for her but the feeling I had never  felt as owned as I did then. I felt a sort of calmness, I had survived it, I had enjoyed seeing her taking her pleasure in my humiliation, and in the physical stimulation she had received and I felt privileged that I had been allowed to share this with her.

The drive home, one and a half hours, was quite tiring and painful due to my beaten rump. We only briefly discussed the events as I was driving and MT was sleepy. When we got home we fucked like rabbits and have spent the whole day reliving the night and fucking each others brains out. I have absolutely no regrets about MT teaching me my place, I needed this and she knew it. She ALWAYS knows what is right for me, her and us. It has been a very important part of my development, I feel very loved, so very enslaved and very happy and very relieved that I have crossed a line which I really thought was going to be insurmountable.

PS I would like to say a very special thank you to my fellow slaves who have posted their comments wishing to know the details of my demise, your solidarity is touching. You are true sadists, I applaud you as I throw you all under the bus.