Peacock boy

Many of you will be aware from FL, that yesterday was, shall we say..........more than a little embarrassing. In between other thing MT quickly ordered me into the bedroom, told me to strip and get on my knees.

The Njoy was then inserted and then I could feel her fiddling with the handle. After a couple of minutes I heard the sound of the camera and was ordered to raise/ lower my arse for the photos.

Not long afterwards, MT told me to look at her latest photo on FL..........and of course it was my arse. Attached to the handle of the Njoy was a camp sparkly peacock feather Xmas decoration (which I had mocked) from the Xmas tree.

He left the photo off so I thoughtfully popped it up. No need to thank me - MT

Within a short while, my FL fed was smothered with comments regarding the sparkly peacock feather design dangling from between my cheeks.

I shall never mock MT again about her choice of Xmas decorations. They are all very stylish and she does a wonderful job of decorating her home.

Catch 22

Those of us who are property understand only too well the full implications of our position. Basically speaking, it is just about being and doing whatever one's Owner tells you to do. Now this is easier for some people than it is for others. Even the more difficult types like myself can still find themselves in a tricky place even when they have acted or reacted totally as their Owner has wanted them to. Sometimes there are consequences that may or may not have been foreseen either by the property, the Owner, or both. It is perhaps a little like the phrase 'be careful what you wish for'. Sometimes things turn out in a way you had not envisaged.

This type of thing can often quite trivial, but sometimes the implications of an Owner's actions and the subsequent effects upon the property can be quite serious. As an example, I have recently been made aware by MT of something I have been doing that I had not realised the implications of. TBH I had not given it any thought at all really.

My primary driver is of course to be a good slave for MT and provide her with the slave she wants and deserves (haha that could be taken in two ways :) ) I get numerous things from being her slave, far too many to mention. What I have discovered about myself, which was brought about by MT, is the impact of humiliation on me. I have spoken before about humiliation but in this case it is just an example of a principle.

MT caused me to be humiliated on numerous occasions and still does. I hate the humiliation, I can take most things in my stride but humiliation really does hit me hard. The impact has been so great that I now yearn for it. If I do not get humiliated I not only crave it but beg for it.and when I do not get it I get really moody and apparently 'pesky'. MT has said that it has become an issue, I had not realised this, but having listened to her perspective I now understand it more.

MT is a sadist, she discovered early on the impact humiliation has on me, so, along with all her other 'tools of the trade' she used it whenever she wished for numerous reasons. As she is in no way a 'service top' she dislikes my requests/ demands/ sulks for humiliation. Now I fully understand this and she is totally correct, and of course it is sadistic to not give a slave what they crave for, especially if they are persistent and pesky.

BUT, my problem is this, I am I suppose addicted to humiliation, I crave it so much and the craving is getting worse. Now MT is also a nice person as well as a mean sadist, and sometimes she does things mainly because she knows I like them and I really do appreciate this.

Her desire though now to humiliate me is in a way conflicted by my requests to be humiliated. It is a situation that I will have to get through, but I am finding it particularly hard, probably one of the hardest things.The first step is for me to shut the fuck up and just sit back and wait to see what does or does not happen to me. Regardless of the outcome, I need to remember that I only get given what MT wants to give me. I do get that, I really do, but the 'craving' is higher than anything else I have ever experienced.

It is also perhaps a little ironic that I never wanted to be humiliated in the first place. I was forced into being humiliated by MT, who can now also use my desire for humiliation as a weapon by not meeting that desire. Or, she can still humiliate me and bring me down as and when she wishes... fucking Owners, they get it all ways.

Humiliation part 2

After re-reading yesterdays blog following KellyRed's comment I realised I had not explained myself clearly, quite a common thing for me actually. So, I thought I would try to explain it a bit more clearly. I do not like being humiliated, I absolutely hate it. The feelings I get when I am humiliated by MT are not positive ones. I do not get a nice trippy sort of high feeling. What I get is more like, 'I am struggling to breathe properly, I wish I was anywhere else, doing anything else, just wanting so much to not be doing what I am being told to do'. I feel such a deep sense of shame, sometimes I can not even look at MT and can only look at the floor/ground. The feeling of shame, can last for hours/ days, even weeks. Some things still remain prominent in my head even though the event happened several years ago.

There is also a cumulative effect as well, when I reflect, and realise I have done X, Y, Z and X plus 20 etc it heightens my humiliation. There have been times when I think 'what has become of me?' , sometimes I think about how as the 'old' me would never have done this/put up with this, why am I doing it now? The answer of course is easy, well the generic answer is. Of course it is because I am owned, because I am property and this is what my owner requires of me. But it does not answer the 'why' question. Why , when I spent so much of my life ensuring I was never humiliated do I accept it now?

Given a choice, I would take physical pain over humiliation any day, and bearing in mind I am not a masochist and hate pain that speaks volumes as to how much I hate humiliation. Yet it is humiliation which has the greater impact on me and helps to reinforce my status as property and enhances/ reinforces my love, commitment and dedication to MT.

It is such a mystery to me, but I am ok about it being a mystery, because perhaps some things in life just 'are' and defy rational, logical thought or understanding.

Why is humiliation so powerful?

One of the things that I do not understand about myself, and there are quite a few, but none as significant as this one, is humiliation. Prior to meeting MT I never really thought about the subject. As a Dom, I spent plenty of time humiliating girls, they responded well to it and it was obvious they enjoyed it (well, I'm not sure if 'enjoy' is the accurate word, but they did get off on it and always came back for more). I never really gave it any thought as to why they liked it/ why it turned them on, it just did. I suppose, I did not give it any real thought because it was not important to me.

As for myself, out in the big wide world my environment was mainly male orientated, I spent most of my first eight years in the Fire service, living and working, sleeping in a dorm on nights and generally socialising with the lads. I deliberately use the word 'lads' because it better describes the style of life rather than using the term men. We were all often acting like kids, playing pranks, taking the piss out of each other, shagging and of course risking our necks on emergency calls. Taking the piss out of each other was not only acceptable but almost a necessity for survival. The objective, to humiliate the other person in front of the others, was an effective method of battle especially in power struggles between personnel on the same watch, between watches, between stations, divisions and indeed Brigades.

I was very good at piss taking, so I do not really ever remember feeling humiliated, and if the battle of minds ever failed, of course in typical male tradition, one could always resort to violence or physical humiliation. Thus life on a station could be really good fun or an absolute nightmare - I of course had a lot of fun.


So when I met MT, and she started to humiliate me it was a very new experience. I did not even know that I could feel humiliated, let alone actually be made to feel it. At the age of 50, my humiliation virginity was well and truly taken on our first physical liaison. I felt this huge surge of energy stampede through my body. I felt a strange difficulty in breathing, I felt a pulsing sensation all over, especially in my head and the rush was overpowering. I also felt ashamed/ embarrassed, not just by the acts being performed on me or what I was made to do, but also by my own reaction to it.

MT has said that I was such a cocky, arrogant git that she could not wait to take me down a peg or two. At the first meeting she had no intention of it being any kind of relationship, but she did want to put me in my place before dismissing me and going on her way.

The rest as they say is history. The humiliation remains a key component of our relationship. MT can take me down with it whenever she want. If I start to not get humiliated by a particular act/ matter then she changes things and finds the next trigger. Being humiliated has not only proven to be an effective method of control, but has also helped me to learn some humility. It has also, after the event, transpired to be an arousing experience on some occasions, much more so than pain ever has.

I remain mystified why it has such an impact upon me, it just does. I still sometimes nearly hyperventilate just thinking about some of the things that have humiliated me over the last five years. I also nearly hyperventilate about future humiliations as I know there will be many and I am certain to not like any of them. At least my life as MT's property is never boring.

Romance - MT style.

Valentines Day at bedtime was so romantic. MT and I snuggled up close and she told me how much she would love to see me raped - who said 'romance is dead'?  Now I did not think think this 'sexy' conversation was going to get too much darker, but wrong again. I should know by now to never underestimate my owner.

My darling valentine proceeded to romantically tell me how much she wants to see both my arse and my mouth simultaneously raped by multiple men. Raped so both my 'rape holes' are left 'cock bruised and bleeding' (MT has such a delicate way with words). Now I really like fantasy sex talk, it can be really hot. The problem is, I know only too well that this is something MT genuinely wants to have done to me. And, when MT decides she wants to see something, then she always makes sure she gets to see it.

At moments like this I have two opposing reactions, as I (now) get off on humiliation, the fantasy of being humiliated is arousing, but not the methodology and certainly not the reality, especially as I know that in our relationship fantasy does usually lead to reality. MT gets what she wants.

There have been countless times MT has remarked about what she would like to do/ us to do/ do to me/ have done to me etc, and in the very early days of our O/p I thought it was purely head fuck/ wank fodder, then I learned the very hard way that it wasn't. As time has gone by, I have tended to adopt the principle that anything and everything could be on the cards at any moment, so while some things may remain fantasy, there is a bloody good chance they won't. I have also accidentally thrown myself under the bus on a few occasions. During 'fantasy' talk, being a dominant person with  a primarily dominant sexual drive, I have mooted extra touches to MT's perversions which would enhance matters. It is like for a brief second I am her co-conspirator plotting the downfall of some third party rather than it being about me. In the heat of the moment, it has seemed like a good idea, and as it has been fantasy degradation stuff early on I never took it seriously. Unfortunately, on a few occasions MT has pounced on some concept, usually added some even worse perversions and then told me she will actually do (insert perversions) when she can arrange it/ has the opportunity. Or she just does it without warning. You know, 'casually'.

I must learn to keep my mouth shut more, (especially when I have a hard on).

I understand there will be some people who would hold the opinion that I actually want some of the acts forced onto me, because the act itself is something I want. This could not be further from the truth, but it is hard to explain. It is the act of being totally humiliated that is the driver, absolutely not whatever the actual act is. The act has to be something I really intensely do not want to have the impact of being so humiliating. I would get nothing whatsoever out of being forced to do something I internally desired in any way, it would just be pointless. Overall, of course I have to do whatever MT wants me to do, but the key thing with MT usually is ' if I like something, there is less chance of me getting it ' unless it is something she wants purely for herself, or she decides to give me a treat, which does happen sometimes.

There are still many things I would really hate to do, MT has mooted some of them and they are horrifying to me, some because of the physical pain element and others because of the sheer and total humiliation and degradation of them. I also know, that within that pretty head of hers lies a myriad of other things not mentioned or hinted at that will no doubt come to pass in the fullness of time. This small element of our O/p, being kept in a constant state of fear and trepidation, is an integral part of our life and it is something I now perversely value. It never lets me forget what she's capable of. I want to give my all in every possible way to MT, by being pushed into places I do not want to go and having to do things totally against what my own fundamental desires are. It makes her happy and it makes me very aware that I am owned.

My Owners knickers

The day started pretty much as usual, MT demanding her owner's rights, what must a slave do to get some rest ? Perhaps a second male slave is not a bad idea after all. Ok that would definately not be good but the thought of some rest is at times appealing. Mind you, I would probably end up having to serve both of them knowing her.

Fortunately, some duties are more pleasurable than others and at least this morning I was on the giving end and not the receiving one. This was really fortunate as I am not yet fully healed.

MT is still tender, slave smirks cheekily and passes  MT a little glance and chuckles to himself, of course she has not read this yet. Apparently, her swimming today was a little stingy, such a shame, I feel so much sympathy NOT. See I am a 'real man' after all, well when MT lets me anyway ;)

I really don't see why slaves can't have a day off, most workers get two days off a week, so why not slaves? I must form a Union. What about holidays as well? And some wages, plus of course health benefits as well. I must broach this with MT I am sure she will understand.....

We did the boring food shop, then I went to the gym while MT went swimming, then off to do some retail therapy. MT wanted a swim suit, which we duly purchased and she looks great in it, very nice and clingy in all the right places. Sorry, am I not supposed to perv over my owner? I am such a bad bad slave.

Then there was the purchasing of lingerie, some for everyday use and then the more difficult purchase of some lingerie she informed me were purely for the purpose of wearing to taunt me when engaging with others. This brought very mixed feelings to say the least.




She chose an exceptionally sexy pair of panties, which of course I had to 'pay for'. That's part of the humiliation, having to pay for something that will be used to taunt and hurt you. It has such a nice touch, as an ex Dom, I truly respect her expertise in the art of domination and all other associated aspects of TPE. Trust me to be stupid enough to be owned by such an intelligent, perceptive, sadistic, inventive, tormenting woman as MT.

MT has apparently decided that 2011 is to be in her words 'a busy and directional year'.  WTF does that mean? Well, it seems I am going to be 'well motivated' - yet another WTF does that mean? So, the slave is not really any the wiser, however, there are enough brain cells left in my tiny little head to know that this does not bode well, not well at all. The last four and a half years have been 'busy and directional' and there is now another one of her epedemics of 'motivation', so the signs are not good. But, it will no doubt be fun finding out.

I am enjoying writing the blogs, it helps me come to terms with things, by causing me to think about and then write about them. Such a good prezzie from MT for Xmas AND of course, yet another avenue to provide an international stage for my humiliation. See? I told you she was good.

Hard To Swallow

Just couldn't resist the title. If you are going down you may as well go down properly.....

Sometimes I think I have been pushed as far as I can be, and then MT always pushes me even further. In the last couple of months I feel I have become more of a slave than I had been previously. I sort of feel like sometimes within my slavery I have been in complete darkness, then there have been moments of faint light and shadows, as time has passed there have been flashes of light, then either darkness or dim light.... The patches of darkness have become less common, and I have felt more 'illuminated'. Recently, mainly due to MT informing me she may choose to take sexual pleasure in other men, I suddenly realised I was truly owned. Last night it was like all the lights had come on at once, I realise now that I have moved into another level of my slavery.

At the bi swingers/ BDSM club I was filled with the usual trepidation. There was a varied mix of people, as usual more single males than couples, and that is always a very bad sign for me. During the course of the next 5 hours I underwent so many different experiences, feelings and emotions I can barely recount them all. I was made to separately suck four different men's cocks. I think it is important to clarify that I am most definitely not bisexually orientated, and under no circumstances would I ever do any bisexual acts at my own volition. Watching me perform acts so deeply contrary to my base orientation is something which gives MT a sadistic control kick which she loves. It also reinforces how owned I am in no uncertain terms, and that I no longer have any freedom of my own will. Of the four men, three of them were each seen separately in a private room with MT, and the other one in a public area. One of them spunked down my throat, which was particularly 'distasteful', not to mention extremely humiliating, and quite surprising as he just did it without any prior warning. Honestly some people's manners are appalling.

In the private room two of the men were allowed by MT to caress her and give her numerous orgasms with their fingers, and mouth on her ass, whilst I was forced to watch at the same time as sucking their cocks. I was given the almighty humiliation of her telling me to pull down her sexy panties onto her thighs so that they could could fondle her ass. Both of the guys had objectively fit bodies, but even I could tell that one of them was very good looking and had a very toned and muscled body and it was very clear MT found him very attractive, which made me feel even worse. Afterwards I was forced to thank them 'for pleasuring my woman'. I thought I was actually going to choke on the words even more than I choked on the cock of the guy MT liked (because of course the one she found hot had to have a fucking huge cock the bastard), but managed to utter them - probably not very convincingly though.

My next trial was being bent over a bench in a public area and being given a very harsh caning in front of a group of men. The caning was very painful and as usual I hollered and howled, just a tad embarrassing. One of the guys fondled my cheeks and poked his finger into my ass. My cheeks and thighs were very sore and bruised and still are.

Seeing MT use other men to humiliate me and for her sexual pleasure was the 'big thing' I had been dreading. When she first informed me of the possibility several months ago I felt devastated. I was jealous, I wanted to be the only male and hated the thought of it, I was also scared that it would ruin our relationship, even to the point of wondering if I could still love her. I know this probably sounds very illogical, selfish, childish and a myriad of other things, but quite frankly, the thought was driving me nuts. My base nature is that of an extremely jealous, possessive man. I realize that this may be seen by some as a flaw in a personality however, it has been a key part of who I am and how I have lived my life. This area is one that I've never compromised on before in any relationship. It additionally strikes very heavily at some of my baggage, where infidelity basically brought about the demise of my two marriages. I think this speaks volumes for my relationship with MT. I love her more than I loved any other women and pleasing her is more important that pleasing myself, albeit by pleasing her I've realized that it actually does please me. My being owned means much more to me than any marriage, and evidently more than my key driver of possessiveness and jealousy. It seems life really isn't about Me-Me-Me anymore.

We spoke about it, I read about it, I kept convincing myself I was a slave and this was part of it etc etc and little by little the realisation grew that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It was her right and it was my duty to be a good slave regardless of how it made me feel. Much easier said than done, but then aren't most things?



I was relieved I did not feel broken and damaged (this is a shining testament to the work she's systematically done over the years). I then realised not only did I feel even more love for her but the feeling I had never  felt as owned as I did then. I felt a sort of calmness, I had survived it, I had enjoyed seeing her taking her pleasure in my humiliation, and in the physical stimulation she had received and I felt privileged that I had been allowed to share this with her.

The drive home, one and a half hours, was quite tiring and painful due to my beaten rump. We only briefly discussed the events as I was driving and MT was sleepy. When we got home we fucked like rabbits and have spent the whole day reliving the night and fucking each others brains out. I have absolutely no regrets about MT teaching me my place, I needed this and she knew it. She ALWAYS knows what is right for me, her and us. It has been a very important part of my development, I feel very loved, so very enslaved and very happy and very relieved that I have crossed a line which I really thought was going to be insurmountable.

PS I would like to say a very special thank you to my fellow slaves who have posted their comments wishing to know the details of my demise, your solidarity is touching. You are true sadists, I applaud you as I throw you all under the bus.

Damn Owners.

My transition from a free man to property is still ongoing. It started over 4 years ago, in some ways it seems like it has always been like this, in others, it feels like the past was someone else's life.

When I look back at the 'other' life I realise just how much everything has changed. Transition ? No, more like a war followed by rebirth. It has been anything but easy, I have struggled so much. Sometimes I wonder how MT has stayed in there as well as how I have remained her property. But we have, and that speaks volumes.

These are a list of some of the things I struggled with (some I still do)

1. Losing autonomy - I spent most of my life making my own decisions, creating my own destiny and in general, doing whatever I wanted. It would take a lifetime to record the chaos this caused, the world is safer now someone else is in control of me.

2. Promiscuity - Being limited to one woman. Most of my life was spent chasing around getting laid as many times as possible. It was possibly an addiction. Ok, I had a lot of fun and a lot of variety but it did not fulfil me. Now there is one woman and that one is more than enough for me. Hell, she'd be more than enough for the Red Army.

3. Spending Limitations - God I hated this one (I still dislike it) . I used to spend as and when I wanted, even when I did not actually have the money. On a whim I once brought a house without using a single penny of my own money. It cost £90,000 (which was a lot at the time especially as I had mortgages on two other properties as well).

4. Clothes - Not having the freedom to dress as I please or buy the clothes I want.Actually, this has transpired to be a good thing as MT makes me look much better than I would.Who knew money couldn't buy style?

5. Having to ask for things - Grrrrr  this is a big one. Things such as - orgasms, sweets, junk foods, chocolate, alcohol, motor bike rides, TV , permission to go out etc etc .

6. Dominance - another big one. I have always been the one in charge and exerting my dominance on others. In my career, at one stage I was responsible for 26 establishments with a staff of over 1200 people. Now I am not even allowed to be in charge of me. Where did I go wrong?

7. Having to be nicer to people - I have little/no tolerance of people who piss me off. Ok, I admit I am one of the most least tolerant of people. It does not take much for some people to hack me off, in fact all some have to do is continue breathing. Joking aside, if someone does something I do not like I will go out of my way to a) let them know it and b) try to get retribution. MT dislikes this (unless she thinks it is warranted but then it has to be a really big thing).As a consequence, I am banned from hitting anyone or being offensive to them, unless MT decides to loosen leash. 

8. Being used as a sex object - Due to items 2) and 6) above, this has been not only difficult but also bloody humiliating. Being used like this for me Owner has been bad enough but having to provide sexual services to men just for her entertainment, well that's just too much. I cannot tell you how much I hate this. 

9. The names - Oh there have been so many, here are a few ; boy, kitten, bitch, cunt, dildo, baby-cakes, slut, slag, cupcake, muffin (note the baked goods fetish) piggy, pixie, pixie cat ? (WTF is a 'pixie cat'??? And why am I one)?

10. Not being able to stop her from stealing and losing my bloody socks. People have been hanged for less.

Those are the main ones, there are hundreds of other things, over time I am sure these will become apparent in other posts.