Anniversary

The day finally arrived after much anticipation and trepidation. As usual, it was lovely to wake up next to MT but of course it was extra special today being as it was our 5th anniversary of her owning me.

Early this morning I was told to sit up in bed, I was anticipating some painful act, but instead was given a bow wrapped gift from MT. Inside the very nice box was a really lovely stainless steel bracelet. MT said that I am to wear it in place of my collar, when I am unable to wear my collar. It was a really nice surprise and I really like it a lot, it is something I would have chosen myself. And it's nice to have something to wear as a substitue collar as I would like to wear mine more often.

I then gave MT the bespoke anniversary card I had designed via Moonpig, it was of course of 'appropriate design' for the occasion ;) As is customary on our anniversary, I then presented her with my gift to her. The 'customary' part being, that I give her something she can inflict pain on me with.

This year, I chose something which she had previously expressed an interest in, a short synthetic cane. So I presented her with a short (60cm) 6 mm thick synthetic cane with a lambskin handle. I deliberately chose the thinner diameter as we have quite a few thicker canes and the thinner ones provide a greater sting, require less effort to wield and break my skin easier. Just the things she likes. I also gave her a voucher for money toward her planned driving lessons. This is kind of 'silly' as she could use the money anyway, but she keeps different budgets so it's effectively put some extra funds into that account (and under the present status of the funds I'm allowed to do that). Her driving plans are her main agenda at present that I know of. Though I'm quite sure that as usual she's up to a lot more of which I have no idea.....

After my doctor's appointment ( very useful, more medication including proper painkillers) it was time to start our day together at home. I was permitted the luxury of an iced Belgian bun filled with fresh cream, OMG it was the best one I have ever tasted. MT told me afterwards that it was 'before-care'. I cooked MT her poached eggs and made her Earl Grey tea as usual. Then it was off to the bedroom.

After a thorough inspection of her property and associated verbal report, which was favourable, but not without some directions for the future, it was time to be test her new toy.

After some very thorough 'testing' that went on for an extremely long time and covered a great deal of my body, and after much pillow biting, screaming and shouting, not to mention pleading, the synthetic cane was finally put to one side. The next item on Her agenda was 'marking' of the 5 years on my right hip.

The pain was almost unbelievable (she can do it less painfully but frequently elects not to), the overwriting was incredibly painful and at one point I would have given anything to have had it stopped.....but of course that is not an option. The mark is to become permanent, so this is sort of the initial cut. It will be re-opened as many times as required to form a permanent scar. MT of course enjoyed sucking at my blood, vigorously.  After she had finished she cuddled me and we both fell asleep.

It has been a wonderful day and it is not even 6-00 pm yet,so there is plenty of time left to enjoy the rest of the evening. I'm also very aware that MT has not finished with tormenting my body for the day, and she's usually much more intense at night time....

Being property is by far the hardest thing I have ever done, but it also happens to be the best thing I have ever done. At times I find it so difficult, but the rewards are sublime and I would not swap it for anything.

I love MT and I really love our relationship. It has it's ups and downs, but then life is like that, and there are always far more ups than downs. I am very fortunate to have found my place in life. I am Hers.

Impending Anniversary

Traditionally our anniversary, the day MT collared me and officially made me her property, is a painful day. Of course it is also a wonderful celebration of our relationship. There is the bit though where MT reminds me that I am ' Hers To Do With As She Will'.

As most of you are aware, MT is a bit of a sadist and our anniversary is often a time for MT to revel in her 'art'. After MT collared me I was chained to a round table and given the soundest of beatings. I was left in no uncertainty about my status and after the beating I was mercilessly shafted by her and cut. I remember it as if it were only yesterday, mostly as I was bruised for over a month. She took me out to BDSM club the next night and people foolishly thought you couldn't possibly beat anyone on top of such bruising and cuts. Yeah, right.

So, whilst I am happy it is our 5th anniversary on Thursday, I am also trying to mentally prepare myself for the anticipated 'celebrations'. MT has taunted me a little with what may lie ahead. Surprise, surprise there is likely to be long and hard beatings of my body with a range of implements being used. Then when I am red and very sore and probably sniffling, I will be re-introduced to my least favourite item, the big black strap on.

The big black strap on is one of the hardest thing I have to endure and always breaks me down. I dread it and hate it. There is nothing that breaks me like this does. It feels like I am being split into two, I always tear and the pain lasts sometimes for weeks. I am allowed the privilege of lube though, but there is not enough lube in the world to make it bearable. It is huge and very hard.

Usually, after the sound beating and the fucking I am left feeling totally exhausted and totally used.

This 'reminder' has become a tradition, it is also a celebration of our relationship. In the evening we will celebrate in a more gentle fashion and hopefully, when we go to bed I will not be used again.

A busy day

Work was busy busy today and I felt totally zonked when I got in after 5 hours of solid gardening very early in the day.

I started a low carb diet on Tuesday, for someone like me who loves their carbs it is quite a difficult thing for me to do. But, it is effective, it is something MT uses and at least I have the luxury of being allowed to eat lots of  meat. MT has also made me these cheesecake mousses which are far too delicious to belong on a diet, so that livens things up.

So far I have lost three and a half pounds which is encouraging over 5 days. MT wants me to lose some of my chubby bits and to tone up some more. So my diet will continue for as long as she determines, best I try very very hard then.

After being a bit gobby to MT (What me?!) I was given a little reminder regarding my place this afternoon. The little reminder was about 7 inches long, thick and is attached to a harness which in turn was attached to a miffed MT. As one can imagine, this did not bode well for a mouthy slave.

Fortunately I did get lube, which was quite surprising really but I was very grateful for it. It has been a while since I have been used like this and I quickly remembered 'my place'. I think actually it was mostly about grounding me and 'bringing me back to her' after the last few days as well.

After MT had achieved her usually high number of orgasms I was left bruised, battered and bleeding, so situation normal.

This type of use it tends to interfere with my ability to get an erection, but, today was one of the rarer times when I was up and ready. MT demanded I put her cock to good use and I did not need to be told twice. I am always up for a game of hide the sausage.

Having being given such a treat (and being allowed an orgasm which I hadn't expected) I was given TV football as well. I like being MT's slave, well, most of the time :)

Romance - MT style.

Valentines Day at bedtime was so romantic. MT and I snuggled up close and she told me how much she would love to see me raped - who said 'romance is dead'?  Now I did not think think this 'sexy' conversation was going to get too much darker, but wrong again. I should know by now to never underestimate my owner.

My darling valentine proceeded to romantically tell me how much she wants to see both my arse and my mouth simultaneously raped by multiple men. Raped so both my 'rape holes' are left 'cock bruised and bleeding' (MT has such a delicate way with words). Now I really like fantasy sex talk, it can be really hot. The problem is, I know only too well that this is something MT genuinely wants to have done to me. And, when MT decides she wants to see something, then she always makes sure she gets to see it.

At moments like this I have two opposing reactions, as I (now) get off on humiliation, the fantasy of being humiliated is arousing, but not the methodology and certainly not the reality, especially as I know that in our relationship fantasy does usually lead to reality. MT gets what she wants.

There have been countless times MT has remarked about what she would like to do/ us to do/ do to me/ have done to me etc, and in the very early days of our O/p I thought it was purely head fuck/ wank fodder, then I learned the very hard way that it wasn't. As time has gone by, I have tended to adopt the principle that anything and everything could be on the cards at any moment, so while some things may remain fantasy, there is a bloody good chance they won't. I have also accidentally thrown myself under the bus on a few occasions. During 'fantasy' talk, being a dominant person with  a primarily dominant sexual drive, I have mooted extra touches to MT's perversions which would enhance matters. It is like for a brief second I am her co-conspirator plotting the downfall of some third party rather than it being about me. In the heat of the moment, it has seemed like a good idea, and as it has been fantasy degradation stuff early on I never took it seriously. Unfortunately, on a few occasions MT has pounced on some concept, usually added some even worse perversions and then told me she will actually do (insert perversions) when she can arrange it/ has the opportunity. Or she just does it without warning. You know, 'casually'.

I must learn to keep my mouth shut more, (especially when I have a hard on).

I understand there will be some people who would hold the opinion that I actually want some of the acts forced onto me, because the act itself is something I want. This could not be further from the truth, but it is hard to explain. It is the act of being totally humiliated that is the driver, absolutely not whatever the actual act is. The act has to be something I really intensely do not want to have the impact of being so humiliating. I would get nothing whatsoever out of being forced to do something I internally desired in any way, it would just be pointless. Overall, of course I have to do whatever MT wants me to do, but the key thing with MT usually is ' if I like something, there is less chance of me getting it ' unless it is something she wants purely for herself, or she decides to give me a treat, which does happen sometimes.

There are still many things I would really hate to do, MT has mooted some of them and they are horrifying to me, some because of the physical pain element and others because of the sheer and total humiliation and degradation of them. I also know, that within that pretty head of hers lies a myriad of other things not mentioned or hinted at that will no doubt come to pass in the fullness of time. This small element of our O/p, being kept in a constant state of fear and trepidation, is an integral part of our life and it is something I now perversely value. It never lets me forget what she's capable of. I want to give my all in every possible way to MT, by being pushed into places I do not want to go and having to do things totally against what my own fundamental desires are. It makes her happy and it makes me very aware that I am owned.

Hard To Swallow

Just couldn't resist the title. If you are going down you may as well go down properly.....

Sometimes I think I have been pushed as far as I can be, and then MT always pushes me even further. In the last couple of months I feel I have become more of a slave than I had been previously. I sort of feel like sometimes within my slavery I have been in complete darkness, then there have been moments of faint light and shadows, as time has passed there have been flashes of light, then either darkness or dim light.... The patches of darkness have become less common, and I have felt more 'illuminated'. Recently, mainly due to MT informing me she may choose to take sexual pleasure in other men, I suddenly realised I was truly owned. Last night it was like all the lights had come on at once, I realise now that I have moved into another level of my slavery.

At the bi swingers/ BDSM club I was filled with the usual trepidation. There was a varied mix of people, as usual more single males than couples, and that is always a very bad sign for me. During the course of the next 5 hours I underwent so many different experiences, feelings and emotions I can barely recount them all. I was made to separately suck four different men's cocks. I think it is important to clarify that I am most definitely not bisexually orientated, and under no circumstances would I ever do any bisexual acts at my own volition. Watching me perform acts so deeply contrary to my base orientation is something which gives MT a sadistic control kick which she loves. It also reinforces how owned I am in no uncertain terms, and that I no longer have any freedom of my own will. Of the four men, three of them were each seen separately in a private room with MT, and the other one in a public area. One of them spunked down my throat, which was particularly 'distasteful', not to mention extremely humiliating, and quite surprising as he just did it without any prior warning. Honestly some people's manners are appalling.

In the private room two of the men were allowed by MT to caress her and give her numerous orgasms with their fingers, and mouth on her ass, whilst I was forced to watch at the same time as sucking their cocks. I was given the almighty humiliation of her telling me to pull down her sexy panties onto her thighs so that they could could fondle her ass. Both of the guys had objectively fit bodies, but even I could tell that one of them was very good looking and had a very toned and muscled body and it was very clear MT found him very attractive, which made me feel even worse. Afterwards I was forced to thank them 'for pleasuring my woman'. I thought I was actually going to choke on the words even more than I choked on the cock of the guy MT liked (because of course the one she found hot had to have a fucking huge cock the bastard), but managed to utter them - probably not very convincingly though.

My next trial was being bent over a bench in a public area and being given a very harsh caning in front of a group of men. The caning was very painful and as usual I hollered and howled, just a tad embarrassing. One of the guys fondled my cheeks and poked his finger into my ass. My cheeks and thighs were very sore and bruised and still are.

Seeing MT use other men to humiliate me and for her sexual pleasure was the 'big thing' I had been dreading. When she first informed me of the possibility several months ago I felt devastated. I was jealous, I wanted to be the only male and hated the thought of it, I was also scared that it would ruin our relationship, even to the point of wondering if I could still love her. I know this probably sounds very illogical, selfish, childish and a myriad of other things, but quite frankly, the thought was driving me nuts. My base nature is that of an extremely jealous, possessive man. I realize that this may be seen by some as a flaw in a personality however, it has been a key part of who I am and how I have lived my life. This area is one that I've never compromised on before in any relationship. It additionally strikes very heavily at some of my baggage, where infidelity basically brought about the demise of my two marriages. I think this speaks volumes for my relationship with MT. I love her more than I loved any other women and pleasing her is more important that pleasing myself, albeit by pleasing her I've realized that it actually does please me. My being owned means much more to me than any marriage, and evidently more than my key driver of possessiveness and jealousy. It seems life really isn't about Me-Me-Me anymore.

We spoke about it, I read about it, I kept convincing myself I was a slave and this was part of it etc etc and little by little the realisation grew that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. It was her right and it was my duty to be a good slave regardless of how it made me feel. Much easier said than done, but then aren't most things?



I was relieved I did not feel broken and damaged (this is a shining testament to the work she's systematically done over the years). I then realised not only did I feel even more love for her but the feeling I had never  felt as owned as I did then. I felt a sort of calmness, I had survived it, I had enjoyed seeing her taking her pleasure in my humiliation, and in the physical stimulation she had received and I felt privileged that I had been allowed to share this with her.

The drive home, one and a half hours, was quite tiring and painful due to my beaten rump. We only briefly discussed the events as I was driving and MT was sleepy. When we got home we fucked like rabbits and have spent the whole day reliving the night and fucking each others brains out. I have absolutely no regrets about MT teaching me my place, I needed this and she knew it. She ALWAYS knows what is right for me, her and us. It has been a very important part of my development, I feel very loved, so very enslaved and very happy and very relieved that I have crossed a line which I really thought was going to be insurmountable.

PS I would like to say a very special thank you to my fellow slaves who have posted their comments wishing to know the details of my demise, your solidarity is touching. You are true sadists, I applaud you as I throw you all under the bus.

Dented but not broken.

I hesitated before starting  to write this blog today which is about last nights events. I still feel a little fragile about what happened and how I felt emotionally, and the impact it had on MT. It is also difficult, because it is part of  one of the least flattering  and hardest elements of my slavery. On reflection, having discussed it with MT, we decided that as it is very much a part of my life I should post it, not to do so would create a false impression.

The fact of how much I love MT was tested to it's fullest, I love her totally and I know she did not mean to hurt/ upset me in any way (other than her usual amount of physical sadism).

Dinner was great, MT cooked and we had some wine. After a relaxing coffee I was told to strip and crawl, nothing unusual there, and of course I was fitted and wearing my collar. The part I had been dreading 'go and fetch me the Tyburn love' was of course dutifully carried out. Positioned firstly on my back, my front was whipped, the pain horrible but within my threshold, just.

I was then repositioned onto my front, I asked to be excused a back whipping as my spondylosis was exceptionally painful after my days work. MT was very considerate and kindly acceded to my request. The Tyburn is an evil tool and I sincerely regret buying it. At first, although the lashings to my buttocks, thighs, calf's, ankles and feet were very painful they were sort of OK - if you are the property of a sadist like my owner you must learn to take pain, it's part of the territory. I utterly hate pain, but, in a fucked up sort of way, I have started to need it to help keep me focused and in check, so it works for us.

It was probably about 30 minutes before I started to feel like I could not take any more. |Each lash felt worse than the previous one. I could tell by the downward force and swishing sound in the air that they were of varying force, but the pain just seemed to build and build. Every nerve ending in my body seemed to be screaming 'fucking well stop this'. When in pain, I grunt, shout, scream, swear and sometimes when she is especially brutal end up sobbing, its pretty normal, and I did all but the latter.

My right buttock in particular felt like it was on fire and every blow was just so unbearable. In hindsight, I realise it was this painful because it had lots of cuts on it that are not healed yet. I just wanted to get up, I wanted to shout 'stop fucking hitting me you bitch' and other such niceties. BUT of course I couldn't  could I? I am her property, she is free to do what she wants with me and it is my duty to try as hard as I can to make her happy, so I angrily, begrudgingly lay there and took it, until I eventually screamed so long and loudly that MT realised something was wrong.

I could tell she was very concerned, but to be honest, I was not focussed on her needs at that time. I had sort of 'shut-down'. I had become detached, I felt this huge sadness within and all around me. I felt empty and alone, lost, unloved, hurt and I suppose a little broken. I did not feel the rage I had when being beaten, just the opposite, I felt calm, calm but detached. On reflection, this is the third or fourth time this has happened when I have been beaten and have not been able to deal with the pain. There must be some kind of trigger that gets operated, perhaps its a chemical thing, some kind of protection device to anaesthetise things, to shut me off and help me survive. I hate this feeling so much.

MT was great as usual, she was worried because I felt like I did, I did not want her to feel upset, I wanted to tell her I was fine, that everything was ok, that I loved her with all my heart, but I couldn't. Although I knew the words were there I just could not access them, I just could not tell her those things. MT hugged me in bed, we got up to see the New Year in, watched some TV and went on the computer etc and then went to bed. I still felt the sadness and all the other things, but managed to utter the words 'I love you' before we went to sleep.

In the morning, I felt slightly better, but still hollow, we talked about it and I will post about the content of those discussions in another blog, because it is quite complex and is deserving of it's own space.

I wanted to feel ok again, I wanted to feel again, I wanted to say 'it is all ok I love you'. So when MT went to the bathroom, I went to our silver case, took out the strap on and put it on her pillow, and when she returned asked her to 'make love to me' (a phrase that is absolutely never usually associated with her fucking me like that, but it felt appropriate today, like it conveyed what I couldn't). Which she did, at first gently and then with most of her usual vigour and then I felt I was at 'home' again. Where I belong, serving my Owner and telling her how much I love her.

I still feel a bit shaky but much better than I did and reconnected to my owner. Being owned isn't easy, especially to a harsh sadist like my owner.

However it is where I belong.