Sleepless in Suffolk.

There are many things I have found difficult about being property, I have at my worst moments wondered if I am actually the slave equivalent of the antiChrist. As time has passed, I have improved, well MT made me so I had no choice. I am still a work in progress but I do think (and more importantly so does MT) that I have made significant advances in recent weeks. I am just hoping that there will not be a any regression, hoping as much for my sake as well as MT's, as I know she will move swiftly against any negative changes.

Recently I have tried analyzing why I sometimes struggle so much, seemingly from nowhere. The inherent issue of not liking being told what to do I have sort of reconciled... ok a bit ;) I have noticed a fairly consistent pattern, I am usually at my worst when I am tired. The more I have thought about this the more sure I am. Like many people, when tired I have less tolerance and just usually want to chill out or sleep. If I can't do either I get stressed, when stressed I am often  a real nightmare, and then my world implodes and I start to make those around me very unhappy.

Bedtime can be a busy time when one is the slave of a woman such as MT. The desire to sleep often overrides my desire to serve, of course I serve, that is my function. I often serve until 1-00 am and then get to sleep shortly after, then at 7-30 ish I get up and go to work. The night is peppered with generally being unable to sleep, pain and numbness in limbs, toilet trips etc, so I end up tired. The next day is busy with work and then the cycle continues, usually a downwards spiral as I get more and more tired. This then becomes more and more of a problem and an eruption is only a matter of time. Then it is 'hang head in shame and apologise time'.

So, having discovered this, I am experimenting with going to bed earlier, so I can serve and get to sleep a bit earlier. At the moment, it seems to be an improvement, I am getting less tired and subsequently less stressed and have not kicked off in a while....Result.

This week is a busy one, I am working tomorrow (Saturday) which is a bit of a downer, but Sunday and Monday are non work days, well non work apart from whatever MT gives me. She is generally very receptive to my pleas of 'please, I need a rest',  well most of the time... unless there is a pressing orgasm or ten to have of course, in which case its business as normal.

St Valentines Day Massacre

I really dislike Valentines Day, no it's much much stronger than that, I fucking hate it. Each year I get stressed, pissed off and generally very morose and volatile as it approaches. The 14th February has been the most significant date in my year on a number of occasions, sometimes by choice I will admit, others due to others choices and some just random twists of fate.

So, here are my reasons for 'not liking it' :

• My first serious girlfriend was born on Valentines Day and we got engaged on Valentines Day (we didn't make it to the altar).
• My first wife and I separated on Valentines Day, very acrimoniously. She actually tried to kill me, on Valentines Day of course.
• My second wife to be and I got engaged on Valentines day.
• My second wife and I got married on Valentines Day.
• My first child was born on Valentines Day. 18 months later I found out she was not mine and I was utterly devastated. This nearly destroyed me.
• On the same day as she was born, my illicit girlfriend had a miscarriage at the same hospital. Obviously I am not proud of this part of my life.

It does not seem like a huge list in terms of number of 'incidents' but they were very significant, and every year as the date approaches my head starts to spin with thoughts and memories I really do not want to be there. I have always put my 'issues' in little boxes in my head, closed the lids, locked them and stored them away in the furthest corners of my mind. As the dreaded day approaches, they all seem to start appearing and opening up on their own. I rush from one to the other trying to shut, lock and store then away but it is always a lost cause and I get overwhelmed and chaos reigns terror in my head (and unfortunately for MT also often out of my head as well). After the date has passed, it is clean up time. This can take a while, eventually the boxes are all where they should be, but I always know they are there waiting in the shadows - there is always the next February. MT dreads February.

This year I decided, via this blog, to find them, open them and air them in advance, at the moment it is feeling ok. I am hoping this will help to make Valentines Day itself, the approach of it and it's departure a better place for me, my darling owner and the others around me.

Every year since I have been with MT this section of the year has been a very difficult time for us. However hard I have tried to avoid my mood becoming negative or destructive, I have failed to do this. I have also often kicked off at her, often quite spectacularly. None of this is MT's fault and she doesn't deserve to have a volatile slave making her miserable and on edge for this period every single year.

This year for the sake of my Owner, I am determined to not let it spoil our time together for the next few weeks this year.

This is a very self indulgent blog I know, but WTF, we all have our faults and demons, and I said I would be honest.

_______

On a brighter note, at lunchtime MT was still feeling poorly, so I was given the terrible task of giving her 'pain therapy' with the skinny cane. I love having a cane in my hand, it feels so natural.

I was hoping for a repeat tonight, but it was a case of Good News/ Bad News. The bad news is MT does not want any more 'therapy atm', Good News - she is feeling quite a bit better. Shit, best hide those canes quickly.