Gentle day

MT's health has taken a bit of a decline over the last few days. I am hoping she is not heading towards one of her bad periods. I meanwhile, am feeling not too bad, although I have felt a little more stressed over the last couple of days. I am not sure way, perhaps i have got too acclimatised to the anti anxiety pills. Anyhow, I will be seeing the doctor on Thursday for a review, maybe he will tweak my medication a bit.

I pleasured MT today, as usual ;) did some shopping and quite a few little chores around the house, it was a sort of gentle busy day. Back to work tomorrow, hopefully, the weather forecast is not good, but really could do with the money as Xmas is approaching so quickly.

Our 5 th anniversary draws ever closer and with each day I grow a little bit more nervous. Knowing pretty much what I am going to receive and the pain it will bring is such a powerful thing. It is very much one of those double edged sword moments.

Medicine MT style

The much awaited doctor's appointment arrived today. Cutting a long story short, I am to stop taking the dreadful strong painkillers that make me ill, stay on the anti inflamatory ones, and now have mild anti anxiety tablets (no surprise there then) and some sleeping tablets for short term use because he says a lot of the issue is down to the perpetual lack of sleep owing to the pain in my knee. MT said it was good of the doctor to prescribe knockout rape drugs for her use.......and for only the cost of the prescription. Was this supposed to help with my anxiety ? Let me meditate on that.

This was also exactly what MT was hoping for from the consultation, so I'm not surprised. 

Once back home MT suggested a nice snuggle and relax in bed. Like the proverbial 'lamb to the slaughter' I got into bed, closely followed by wily MT. There was a snuggle, then a command to pleasure her.

Then I was instructed to find and put on the dreaded peach panties. I tried the old ' Oh I am not sure where they are'  routine, but of course it was just going through the delaying tactic motions that I knew would be useless.

So clad in peach panties....sorry no pics hehe, I was told to get across MT's knee and then I was spanked. As I lay over her knee taking my spanking without too much fuss I just knew what would follow. Sure enough, after about ten minutes MT went and fitted the strap on belt and I was ordered onto my side. She would have preferred to have me up on my knees but the poor left knee just will not bend at present without intolerable pain.

My panties were pulled down onto my thighs and I felt the wave of humiliation. So many times in my past have I done this to girls and now I am the one on the receiving end, it really is a fucking liberty. With my panties down and my cheeks parted all I could do was wait for the inevitable painful penetration. MT was gentle but forceful and all I could do was try and relax and take it......just like a 'wife' as she again told me.

There were of course numerous taunts by MT, I shall not bore you with the details (you will have to use your imagination). And of course I yelled and kicked as per normal. I was then teased over onto my stomach still impaled by MT and then given a thorough rough arse raping. After several orgasms (MT's of course) she finally finished with me. I was left bruised and very sore.

After a short rest it was time to go and do the supermarket shop.

Catch up

Firstly, my apologies for yesterday's pic, I hope you had all eaten before viewing. I just logged on & found it much to my surprise. MT informs me she  decided to do this as 'she didn't see why my loyal readership should waste their effort just because I was being a huffy little bitch and not posted on my blog for a few days'.

Second apology for lack of blog posts lately, I am just such a bad boy ;) I have been too tired, too stressed and in too much pain. And ok, too stroppy.

Boring bits : MT has decided enough is enough and has made an appointment for me to see the Doctor next Thursday, she will accompany me. Just to make sure everything is covered ie pain from my knee, my volatile moodiness recently, and my continuous tiredness.

After pleas from others as well as myself MT has graciously stopped playing 'Florence and the Mechanics' quite so constantly. Thank fuck. Who gives a fuck what the water gave you?

Last Night : bedtime, told to lay on tummy, Njoy unceremoniously inserted by MT, told to roll over and bring off owner. Job done, MT went to sleep first, thus I could not ask if I could remove plug, therefore went to sleep with plug firmly fitted as I did not want to risk MT's wrath by removing it without permission. Groan.

Today : Laid a base for a new metal shed, which MT insisted we purchase as I have taken over the lean to with my tools. I was then allowed a nice ride out on the bike which was shorter than I wanted because knee was painful and it was a wee bit chilly......and the roads were damp/wet so had to go slower than I like to...damn.

MT took me to bedroom this afternoon, the dreaded plug was fitted again and is still in, nice and uncomfortable as I am sitting down writing this......yes thanks for the sympathy, I can just hear it all...NOT..

I was instructed to pleasure MT to orgasm, then told to lay on my back while she used her dildo to bring herself off some more while she slapped me. Or as she put it 'lie there on your stuffed little arse while I wank myself on my dildo, bitch'. And they say romance is dead.

Then it was time for dinner, I was permitted a glass of wine and MT made me her scrummy pancakes :)

Tomorrow, now here's the thing. I have offered to take MT to one of her favourite places, Blakeney Point in Norfolk. BUT.......... MT has said  that as much as she wants to go to Blakeney, she also thinks it might be beneficial for me if we stay home all day and she 'tortures' me to remind me of my place and to make my rear very stretched and sore, there has been threats of the dreaded scalding.

Strangely enough, I have been trying to steer her towards the trip to Blakeney Point, fuck knows why :)

Karma

It has been a rather busy week, but thankfully I have felt much better health wise. Work again tomorrow, but only a half day so that is good.

It has been an easier week getting back into the right frame of mind in regards to being property. It has been an indirect thing really, I just let things slide and I should not have done so. MT has been a little better this week, I can tell from numerous little tell tale signs.

Apart from her actually physically looking better, her having more energy etc there has been the imparting of information as to impending physical use. The type of use this slave has not had to endure for a while, the dreaded strap on is to be dusted and cleaned in preparation.

To some, this may not sound too bad, but... it is the large black one which is to be prepared and one does not like that thing one little bit. Apart from the pain/ discomfort/ humiliation of the act,it is the subsequent days or even weeks of aftermath that I cringe at the most.

Not being able to sit comfortably or even move without the feel of the bruising and perhaps a tear or two. Some might find this quite fitting, many years were spent administering the joys of anal sex to submissive girls without much thought or care of how sore it might be. To be on the receiving end (excuse pun) is probably karma. I love the expression ' It is better to give than to receive' though, it feels so apt.

Focusing.

The weather today has been really nice, so it has been an extra pain that I was feeling ill again. I went to work this morning but had to throw a sickie this afternoon. So MT kindly phoned my customers for me. It is a pity she can't say 'sorry but my slave is unwell today and won't be coming to work for you, what little use he can be today will be used by his owner'. Can you just imagine what nice old ladies in their eighties and nineties would make of that?

Moving on to more serious things, although I am feeling decidedly unwell/ stressed/ tired etc, I am making a conscious effort to focus more on my behaviour. Whenever my service/ attitude wane it is never a conscious thing, it just sort of creeps in and then won't creep out again. It is like a slow submersion into a dark place, before I know it I become totally engulfed. A fully fit MT usually drags me out of it pretty quickly, often painfully. Even though she is still unwell she has provided additional encouragement and this is ongoing.

I do not like it when I lose focus, it unsettles me and obviously it pisses MT off which I like even less. I never mean to be a bad slave or unworthy property. The emphasis should come from me all the time to maintain what MT requires, I just fall well short of this sometimes. Pressure/ stress of certain kinds really gets to me, I know I have mentioned this on numerous occasions but it really is what leads me into so much trouble.

Sometimes I lie in bed feeling so stressed it feels like nothing in my life is right, but when I try to think of exactly what I am stressed about I can not think of one single thing. Even when I try to think logically and go through things systematically eg relationship, money, work etc I still end up with no specific issue. I guess I must just be a stressy person.

The Bitch is (coming) back?

An O/p life is just like a normal life in many ways in regards to things coming along that interfere with it. The biggest imposition has been MT's health problems, and this is something that even owners can not control.

An MT unimpeded by bad health takes some living with. Uber dominant and sadistic with a voracious sexual appetite is enough to scare the most hardened of men or women. There is constant pressure and expectation and the word 'no' has no meaning, unless she utters it.

When it is like this we are very active. Active at in our life at home, going out, and doing normal things, as well as the nights out where, with MT anything can happen. It is fast paced, quite racy, decadent and it is fun, albeit that sometimes her sadism is hard to take.

When MT is unwell, there is a huge shift of emphasis. Virtually all kinky stuff obviously goes out of the window, and life is pretty much a battle to just get through all the things that need to be done to keep us afloat. 'Busy' becomes an unsuitable word to describe how it impacts on me. In addition to work, there is the looking after MT, doing all the shopping, washing, cleaning, cooking, looking after the little person, school runs, managing the finances, maintenance, repairs etc etc. I get exhausted.

MT does her best to make my workload easier but when she is very ill there is very little she can do. The O/p dynamic is always apparent and obvious, it just manifests itself in different ways. In simple terms it becomes virtually all about providing services, keeping everyone and everything going, including myself.

A few days of illness is miles different from weeks or months, then it becomes one of our most difficult things we have to deal with. In short spells, I do not miss the sex and direct active submission very much, usually I am too busy or too tired or both. But, when it becomes a longer period the desires do flare up, but there is no outlet for them. I start to miss sex/ orgasms, I miss providing MT with the sexual services, and I even miss the physical use I get even including the pain and humiliation.

But most of all, I miss her. When she is very ill she obviously does not always feel like communicating, she is often so ill all she wants to do is sleep or rest. I miss her conversation, her humour, and all the snuggly bits. The snuggly bits have to go sometimes because she is in so much pain she can not bear being touched at all. I think we both then start to feel lonely and we can easily become a bit detached. This is something we have recognised and are striving to overcome. We are trying to maintain our contact more and our attachment so we do not feel isolated. Isolation is an especially bad thing for MT as she is by nature very outgoing and sociable. She has significantly self isolated lately which is not a good sign.

In the last few days there has been a few glimmers of her normal self appearing though, and that is so heartwarming. I have started to see my owner re-emerging as she gains some strength and has a bit of respite from the intense pain.

Of course, while I am so very pleased and happy for this improvement it does also fill me with the dread of the inevitable return to hard use. After a prolonged absence, I find it hard to go back to that level of use. It has taken almost 5 years to get used to it all, after even relatively short breaks, getting back into it, or more correctly, being got back into is hard to take. It is also difficult because while MT is ill I revert to a more autocratic style, having to wind my neck in again and go back to my place can sometimes be tricky.

But even  that's worth it to have her back.

The only way is up?

Good news, there is a hint of MT showing some signs of recovery.

The first signs occurred two days ago when, I was reunited with my dear friend njoy. I had 'almost' forgotten how uncomfortable it was, but was quickly reminded. I sometimes wonder the fascination that owners seem to have with them, it is like some sort of 'Code of Conduct', 'rule number one', stick a butt plug up your properties arse. It seems a bit similar to putting batteries into some electrically powered toy' well it wont work if there are no batteries in it " becomes "well it can't function properly as property unless it has a plug fitted ". 

Well, just as a point of information to all you owners out there, we CAN function without plugs being fitted. I survived 50 years without a plug and if it hadn't of been for MT I could have survived another 50 without one. And... and... and... sitting down would have been more bloody comfortable.

The next sign of MT's recovery has been an increase in her  requiring some sexual service over the last few days. This was further reinforced this morning, and I got an orgasm as well. Excellent, what a spoilt princess, I mean boy I am ;)

After cooking MT her favourite breakfast of poached eggs on toast we even managed a short trip to Bury St Edmunds for some retail therapy and coffee, which was nice. It was the first time MT has been able to get out of the house for about three weeks which she finds extremely hard as she's so naturally social. So it is nice to see her get out even if it's very brief and not much gets done. Fortunately, a lot of her favourite shops were closed so the bank account did not suffer too badly, it is not my fault I have short arms and long pockets ;).

Of course I am please MT is feeling a little better. But, on a selfish note, (yes I am a bad slave, we all know that), I can't help the fact I have enjoyed the 'pain holiday' and the 'anal use holiday' . It has been nice to feel a little safer in my darling's presence. Being called to the bedroom has not been accompanied by my usual hesitance or thoughts of 'OMG, what now'? One of the first things I usually do when entering the bedroom is to look at the wardrobe doors. If they are open, there is a 10 to 1 chance MT has the canes or crops out, bad news. The next tell tale sign is 'the silver box', it was my metal photographic box, but now houses MT's 'instruments of torture and humiliation'.

I expect many owners have such little storage devices, amongst many other 'toys' our silver box houses my most feared implements, the Tyburn and the strap on. If the box has been moved, or worse is open, it is a 'red flag' situation. Unfortunately, I am not permitted to wave any flag, either red or white, so it really is always a case of grin and bear it, or bare it more appropriately. There is a holdall under the bed as well, which contains even more fun items and I also dislike most of them as well.

So many toys, so little time...fortunately.

Perceptions

Sometimes I forget what a strange existence O/p must seem to the majority of the human race. I also still find it incredible that I have become part of this strange phenomena in the way that I have. To those on the outside, we must seem quite bizarre, giving up all rights and all control to another person, leaving ourselves totally dependent on someone else.The fact we choose to live this way must really spin their heads.

Just out of curiosity, I sometimes wonder what they really think we must be like as individuals, and collectively. I wonder if they perceive us as people without strength/ ability/ self esteem/ courage/ drive etc ? Do they see us as needy non functioning misfits who just want to to be controlled so that they do not have to make decisions or be responsible for their own actions ?

Of course, there will be a significant percentage of people who remain ignorant of our existence at all or of the whole principle of power exchange relationships at any level. To some, those who engage in BDSM are considered perverts and deviants who should have no place in society, imagine what those people would make of O/p.

The great thing about it though, is it does not matter to me at all what they think, it is my life and I am free to live it how I choose. I can honestly say that I find my life now much more fulfilling than before being property. I feel like it is where I belong.

In my opinion and from my own experience, to become property takes great strength, resilience, resolve, bravery and adventurousness. To me it was impossible to foresee what it would actually be like without having actually committing myself to it. I might have had romantic notions, and some level headed preconceptions but it transpired to be so much more and so much harder than I could have imagined.  

Nor did I perceive what a moving beast it would be, how when I thought I could not be any more enslaved than I was I would suddenly find myself launched onto yet another level. And I did not know, that sometimes, it would become so hard it would seem like my first day at it. The levels build and build and I find myself so far removed from the being I was when I first became enslaved. I know, I am only part of the way along an experience that will only terminate when life expires. I look forward to my future knowing I am in safe hands, knowing I will continue to grow and evolve.
_____

MT is still very unwell. She reports that her pain levels have decreased sightly which is positive, but she is looking very unwell, clearly in a lot of pain, and sleeping a lot. I really hope that she will start to feel better and be back to her normal self soon.

Just another day in Paradise

Sometimes, days do not go as you planned or hoped and today seems to be one of them. A slightly later start than normal for work, which was nice , but when I got there the plan had changed. I thought I was putting up a shed, but ended up being asked to paint a room and a bedroom skirting and frame. Of course, I went in my garden clothing and not my painting gear, so the garden clothes now have some paint on them.....great.

I popped home for a quick coffee and toast before the next booked job, a customer who can be rather difficult, and today was no exception. I reminded him that my hourly rate had increased as from 1st January. I reminded him because I just knew he would claim I had not told him. Surprise, surprise he was shocked at the increase! So I politely said I would understand if he no longer wished me to reinstate his garden (it has been left unattended for ten years). He muttered a bit, said other people didn't get paid as much per hour etc. I politely stated the people he was quoting did not work for themselves, nor did they supply all the tools or indeed probably have all the other costs a self employed person does, or have the lack of benefits that come from self employment etc. I said I was happy to give him some time to think about it, and to give me a call. He said, "I know its not expensive, its just me, I know you are cheaper than the others, but it's a cold day and I am not right in the head today..."  Well I managed to just politely say goodbye without venting - see I can be good. I am reliably informed by MT that telling people to fuck off is not good customer service technique - it was news to me. She is so much more polite than me (well, unless she decides to go for it).

This was superseded by my car tire bursting and me having to pay out for a new one, hence today has not been a good financial one, I'm minus money earned, and only two hours work achieved, but more importantly, still have several outstanding contracts I could have been doing had I not been messed around. Grrrrrrr. 

MT is slightly better today but still really unwell and struggling. I must put on my nurses uniform ;) Only joking, thankfully, crossdressing is not one of MT's fetishes and I am exceptionally pleased about that, that would be too much.

Tomorrow I am hoping for a stress free day. If it is dry, I might even finally take the Ducati out for a little ride, if I can get permission. Motorbike rides are of course a privilege and have to be requested. It must be about three months since my last ride, well on the bike anyway, I mean the Ducati. Oooops, perhaps the bike ride was a bit optimistic after all.

I haven't told Cati about what MT said about her, I think she would get very stressed. She can also get quite jealous. Did I mention my Cati fetish at all? Best not I suppose, otherwise you might think me a little wierd(er). Can you actually have a poly relationship involving an owner, a slave and a motorbike? I see a new analogy appearing. Practically and technically, MT owns us both, so it must be poly! I must join the poly group on FL, I just hate being left out.

Something for the weekend Sir?

Last night was a 'Valentines Day' night of dreams of the past, I awoke feeling like I had just been told that today was my last day. Hot coffee and breakfast helped to revive me and then it was off to work.

The day has been a busy little one, an early start and a very busy days work, good for money but not so good for the aching back. Quick shopping trip, followed by food shop and then home to cook dinner, life in the fast lane. Not.

Tomorrow is a good day, MT and I are off to Brighton for a two night stop over. For the sake of those who know nothing about Brighton, it is city on the south coast of England which is very lively and is well known for its funky cosmopolitan atmosphere, possibly the closest we have in the UK to San Francisco. It's MT's favourite place in the UK and she used to go there for adventures a lot in the past. Unfortunately, weather wise it will probably be freezing. MT will be in her element with plenty of pretty girls to perv over, I may also perv if allowed. Hopefully MT will not try to get me a 'special friend' whilst we are away, our hotel stays can sometimes be a little crowded.

Due to my recently divulged 'chicken bone throwing' habits after a few drinks, I am to be put on a limit of four alcoholic drinks per night. I haven't asked how many I can drink during the day though...

As I do not drink very much anymore this should be still enough to enable me to have a good time without all the bad habits of excess alcohol. I really should have one of those T shirts with the slogan ' Instant arsehole, just add alcohol '. Unfortunately, this would be very apt, excess alcohol has caused some of my most spectacular errors of judgement. MT is the first woman I have met and had a serious relationship when I was not drunk at the time of meeting her.

It is nice to get away and spend some quality time together, so we are both looking forward to it. MT is trying to convey far better health than I know she is feeling, bless her. I hope she will be ok.

One of the things I like about going away is that you can be as silly as you want because you will not bump into the same people again. The other good thing about it is that MT can't beat me mercilessly at night time because of the noise in the hotel. I sometimes get a couple of whacks, usually on the morning when we are leaving. Of course there are other hurty little things she may do that do not make a noise, but they do make me a little vocal.

So as we are off for a long weekend of decadence (hopefully), no blogging until Sunday night when I will report any bad behaviour on the part of my owner - she can be so unruly, especially let loose in somewhere like Brighton.

St Valentines Day Massacre

I really dislike Valentines Day, no it's much much stronger than that, I fucking hate it. Each year I get stressed, pissed off and generally very morose and volatile as it approaches. The 14th February has been the most significant date in my year on a number of occasions, sometimes by choice I will admit, others due to others choices and some just random twists of fate.

So, here are my reasons for 'not liking it' :

• My first serious girlfriend was born on Valentines Day and we got engaged on Valentines Day (we didn't make it to the altar).
• My first wife and I separated on Valentines Day, very acrimoniously. She actually tried to kill me, on Valentines Day of course.
• My second wife to be and I got engaged on Valentines day.
• My second wife and I got married on Valentines Day.
• My first child was born on Valentines Day. 18 months later I found out she was not mine and I was utterly devastated. This nearly destroyed me.
• On the same day as she was born, my illicit girlfriend had a miscarriage at the same hospital. Obviously I am not proud of this part of my life.

It does not seem like a huge list in terms of number of 'incidents' but they were very significant, and every year as the date approaches my head starts to spin with thoughts and memories I really do not want to be there. I have always put my 'issues' in little boxes in my head, closed the lids, locked them and stored them away in the furthest corners of my mind. As the dreaded day approaches, they all seem to start appearing and opening up on their own. I rush from one to the other trying to shut, lock and store then away but it is always a lost cause and I get overwhelmed and chaos reigns terror in my head (and unfortunately for MT also often out of my head as well). After the date has passed, it is clean up time. This can take a while, eventually the boxes are all where they should be, but I always know they are there waiting in the shadows - there is always the next February. MT dreads February.

This year I decided, via this blog, to find them, open them and air them in advance, at the moment it is feeling ok. I am hoping this will help to make Valentines Day itself, the approach of it and it's departure a better place for me, my darling owner and the others around me.

Every year since I have been with MT this section of the year has been a very difficult time for us. However hard I have tried to avoid my mood becoming negative or destructive, I have failed to do this. I have also often kicked off at her, often quite spectacularly. None of this is MT's fault and she doesn't deserve to have a volatile slave making her miserable and on edge for this period every single year.

This year for the sake of my Owner, I am determined to not let it spoil our time together for the next few weeks this year.

This is a very self indulgent blog I know, but WTF, we all have our faults and demons, and I said I would be honest.

_______

On a brighter note, at lunchtime MT was still feeling poorly, so I was given the terrible task of giving her 'pain therapy' with the skinny cane. I love having a cane in my hand, it feels so natural.

I was hoping for a repeat tonight, but it was a case of Good News/ Bad News. The bad news is MT does not want any more 'therapy atm', Good News - she is feeling quite a bit better. Shit, best hide those canes quickly.