Birthday boy

Well I am 56 years old today, amazing how time flies.Strangely, I still feel like a teenager inside, must be being with MT. She presented me with a card this moring whch reads on the front "Na-Na Nanaa-Na You're Older Than ME-EE!"

MT brought me some lovely presents, including a dastardly pair of evil nipple clamps.

MT took great delight in fitting my presents and demonstrated how they can be tightened, they are so bloody painful and I pleaded for mercy. Of course I didn't get any, but I never expected to. With the clamps firmly in place the rest of the birthday celebrations followed.

First I was fitted with the large njoy. Then  I was then unceremoniously put across MT's knee  for the customary birthday spanking with the hated heavy wooden paddle, one blow  for each year plus 'one to grow on'.

It has been a while since I have been spanked and my buttocks were particularly tender. The nipple clamps kept rubbing against the bed with each blow and my cheeks clamped together with each blow which made the plug hurt much much more. MT also kept tugging at the strings of the nipple clamps as she went, I believe she had them in her teeth at one point. As is MT's birthday custom I had to count the blows and thank her for each one. She wallops the hell out of me with that thing and I pleaded and kicked and shrieked. I am told it was highly entertaining.

When she removed the plug  I (stupidly) felt relief -ha! You'd think I would have learned better by now wouldn't you? The next thing I know a fucking big hard red dildo was being rammed up my poor arse and I was babbling and pleading. Unfortunately my arse clamped shut. I wasn't doing it on purpose, it was an involuntary reaction. MT finds this both amusing and sees it as disobeience, so for a while she crooned at me about this. It may sound sweet but it's more like a cat playing with a mouse. She said "oh baby, do you really think if I decide this is going in your arse you can stop me. Keep whimpernig though, it's sweet - even if it is futile" and on the word 'futile' she slammed the thing mercilessly up my arse. I screamed as I bucked forward yanking the nipple clamps as I went.

She then mercilessly rammed me for what felt like forever, yanking on the strings of the nipple clamps as she went. Groan. 

She evenually finished, replaced the  njoy and I was forced onto my back. MT then proceeded to whip my clamped nipples, my cock, balls, thighs, chest, and stomach with what she termed 'a sharp flogger'. I have never seen this item before. To say it was painful would be far too much of an understatement.  She was landing the blows very fast, using her skill to weave between her various targets, so I was jumping around all over the place, pleading and shrieking and begging. She also used the clamps on my cock and balls at one point. It was excruciatingly  painful. When she took the clamps off it was unbearable.

I thought 'my celebrations' were finished and started to breathe a little easier.....until MT ordered me to go and fetch the strap-on. I was then forcefully fucked on my side while MT had several very energetic orgasms. She finished off my flipping me on my stomach and riding me until she finished, before bounding up to dash off to where she wanted to be.

I was then left recovering in the bedroom and told to have her tea ready when she got back - happy birthday to me!

Tonight she is cooking me a special meal, which is really lovely of her, then we will watch a movie together. I am very bruised and sore in too many places to count.

I said to her as she was getting up that she never looks happier than when she's being sadistic. She glows and laughs and claps and has this look of pure glee. At least I know I provide good service by being her victim property ;)

Impending Anniversary

Traditionally our anniversary, the day MT collared me and officially made me her property, is a painful day. Of course it is also a wonderful celebration of our relationship. There is the bit though where MT reminds me that I am ' Hers To Do With As She Will'.

As most of you are aware, MT is a bit of a sadist and our anniversary is often a time for MT to revel in her 'art'. After MT collared me I was chained to a round table and given the soundest of beatings. I was left in no uncertainty about my status and after the beating I was mercilessly shafted by her and cut. I remember it as if it were only yesterday, mostly as I was bruised for over a month. She took me out to BDSM club the next night and people foolishly thought you couldn't possibly beat anyone on top of such bruising and cuts. Yeah, right.

So, whilst I am happy it is our 5th anniversary on Thursday, I am also trying to mentally prepare myself for the anticipated 'celebrations'. MT has taunted me a little with what may lie ahead. Surprise, surprise there is likely to be long and hard beatings of my body with a range of implements being used. Then when I am red and very sore and probably sniffling, I will be re-introduced to my least favourite item, the big black strap on.

The big black strap on is one of the hardest thing I have to endure and always breaks me down. I dread it and hate it. There is nothing that breaks me like this does. It feels like I am being split into two, I always tear and the pain lasts sometimes for weeks. I am allowed the privilege of lube though, but there is not enough lube in the world to make it bearable. It is huge and very hard.

Usually, after the sound beating and the fucking I am left feeling totally exhausted and totally used.

This 'reminder' has become a tradition, it is also a celebration of our relationship. In the evening we will celebrate in a more gentle fashion and hopefully, when we go to bed I will not be used again.

Catch 22

Those of us who are property understand only too well the full implications of our position. Basically speaking, it is just about being and doing whatever one's Owner tells you to do. Now this is easier for some people than it is for others. Even the more difficult types like myself can still find themselves in a tricky place even when they have acted or reacted totally as their Owner has wanted them to. Sometimes there are consequences that may or may not have been foreseen either by the property, the Owner, or both. It is perhaps a little like the phrase 'be careful what you wish for'. Sometimes things turn out in a way you had not envisaged.

This type of thing can often quite trivial, but sometimes the implications of an Owner's actions and the subsequent effects upon the property can be quite serious. As an example, I have recently been made aware by MT of something I have been doing that I had not realised the implications of. TBH I had not given it any thought at all really.

My primary driver is of course to be a good slave for MT and provide her with the slave she wants and deserves (haha that could be taken in two ways :) ) I get numerous things from being her slave, far too many to mention. What I have discovered about myself, which was brought about by MT, is the impact of humiliation on me. I have spoken before about humiliation but in this case it is just an example of a principle.

MT caused me to be humiliated on numerous occasions and still does. I hate the humiliation, I can take most things in my stride but humiliation really does hit me hard. The impact has been so great that I now yearn for it. If I do not get humiliated I not only crave it but beg for it.and when I do not get it I get really moody and apparently 'pesky'. MT has said that it has become an issue, I had not realised this, but having listened to her perspective I now understand it more.

MT is a sadist, she discovered early on the impact humiliation has on me, so, along with all her other 'tools of the trade' she used it whenever she wished for numerous reasons. As she is in no way a 'service top' she dislikes my requests/ demands/ sulks for humiliation. Now I fully understand this and she is totally correct, and of course it is sadistic to not give a slave what they crave for, especially if they are persistent and pesky.

BUT, my problem is this, I am I suppose addicted to humiliation, I crave it so much and the craving is getting worse. Now MT is also a nice person as well as a mean sadist, and sometimes she does things mainly because she knows I like them and I really do appreciate this.

Her desire though now to humiliate me is in a way conflicted by my requests to be humiliated. It is a situation that I will have to get through, but I am finding it particularly hard, probably one of the hardest things.The first step is for me to shut the fuck up and just sit back and wait to see what does or does not happen to me. Regardless of the outcome, I need to remember that I only get given what MT wants to give me. I do get that, I really do, but the 'craving' is higher than anything else I have ever experienced.

It is also perhaps a little ironic that I never wanted to be humiliated in the first place. I was forced into being humiliated by MT, who can now also use my desire for humiliation as a weapon by not meeting that desire. Or, she can still humiliate me and bring me down as and when she wishes... fucking Owners, they get it all ways.

When it hurts

One of the things I find really hard in our O/p relationship relates to being owned by a sadist. Now if one was a masochist, this would seem like a match made in heaven. Unfortunately for me, I am not a masochist in the normal use of the word. As I have said before generally speaking, I totally hate pain and derive no direct sexual arousal from being subjected to pain.There are a few exceptions, but these are very specific things and even then it is not a guaranteed response.

I am by nature a sadist, and so is MT, I have never had any desire to be sadistic to MT, MT just loves to be sadistic to me, which is also unfortunate. There is very little that arouses her as much as inflicting pain on me, lots of pain and it really turns her on. She becomes almost like a wild animal sometimes, especially when blood flows, she is always in control but her wild side not so much emerges, it sort of leaps out at me.

Taking the pain is so hard for me, even though I have a very high pain threshold. I have had several broken bones in the past which I did not seek medical attention for, (not from MT I hasten to mention).But the pain I get from MT is often far more unbearable than those breaks. On many occasions I just want it to stop, at the time, I want it to stop more than anything else in the world and would probably agree to anything. Well I have to anyway, but you know what I mean.

I grit my teeth, I clench my fists, tense every bone and ligament at the lowest levels of pain I gasp. As the pain intensifies I hear myself grunt, shout, swear, scream, beg, plead, swear more, sometimes go totally quiet, I sweat profusely, sometimes shake, beg even more and when it really becomes so bad I cry. It may start with what humiliatingly could be called 'snivelling' and then proceed to full on crying or just gushes into full on crying and uncontrollable sobbing, sometimes accompanied by more screams.

Sometimes I want to say 'fuck off', sometimes I want to 'demand' it stops, sometimes I even think 'how can she hurt me like this when she is supposed to love me' . But deep inside, I know she loves me, even at the worst moments, I even think that perhaps there is an element of 'she wants to hurt me this much because she loves me so much'.

Some might wonder how I deal with this, well the physical pain is 'difficult' , that's a really big understatement. I get through it by thinking about the bigger things.Perhaps this goes some way to explain it;

I belong to MT, she is free to use me however and whenever she wants in any way she wants, that is her right.

As her property it is my place to accept and take anything she gives me, as willingly and cooperatively as I can.

I knew she was a sadist when I met her, I was fully aware of this, therefore I accepted this when I asked to be owned by her.

MT really enjoys being sadistic to me, it meets a need in her, she finds it arousing and fulfilling.

MT loves the fact I hate pain and yet take it so freely for her, it pleases her, it makes her happy. And I love to make he happy.

I like being able to give her this, it is something many would not be able to give her, but I can, I love pleasing her.

An important thing I often have to remind myself is that it is NOT about what I want, it is not about ME, everything is about HER.And that helps me get through it.


PS. MT is still in a lot of pain and is feeling very unwell. We would both like to thank everyone  who has been supportive, it is really nice to have so many people who send such kind words.

Dented but not broken.

I hesitated before starting  to write this blog today which is about last nights events. I still feel a little fragile about what happened and how I felt emotionally, and the impact it had on MT. It is also difficult, because it is part of  one of the least flattering  and hardest elements of my slavery. On reflection, having discussed it with MT, we decided that as it is very much a part of my life I should post it, not to do so would create a false impression.

The fact of how much I love MT was tested to it's fullest, I love her totally and I know she did not mean to hurt/ upset me in any way (other than her usual amount of physical sadism).

Dinner was great, MT cooked and we had some wine. After a relaxing coffee I was told to strip and crawl, nothing unusual there, and of course I was fitted and wearing my collar. The part I had been dreading 'go and fetch me the Tyburn love' was of course dutifully carried out. Positioned firstly on my back, my front was whipped, the pain horrible but within my threshold, just.

I was then repositioned onto my front, I asked to be excused a back whipping as my spondylosis was exceptionally painful after my days work. MT was very considerate and kindly acceded to my request. The Tyburn is an evil tool and I sincerely regret buying it. At first, although the lashings to my buttocks, thighs, calf's, ankles and feet were very painful they were sort of OK - if you are the property of a sadist like my owner you must learn to take pain, it's part of the territory. I utterly hate pain, but, in a fucked up sort of way, I have started to need it to help keep me focused and in check, so it works for us.

It was probably about 30 minutes before I started to feel like I could not take any more. |Each lash felt worse than the previous one. I could tell by the downward force and swishing sound in the air that they were of varying force, but the pain just seemed to build and build. Every nerve ending in my body seemed to be screaming 'fucking well stop this'. When in pain, I grunt, shout, scream, swear and sometimes when she is especially brutal end up sobbing, its pretty normal, and I did all but the latter.

My right buttock in particular felt like it was on fire and every blow was just so unbearable. In hindsight, I realise it was this painful because it had lots of cuts on it that are not healed yet. I just wanted to get up, I wanted to shout 'stop fucking hitting me you bitch' and other such niceties. BUT of course I couldn't  could I? I am her property, she is free to do what she wants with me and it is my duty to try as hard as I can to make her happy, so I angrily, begrudgingly lay there and took it, until I eventually screamed so long and loudly that MT realised something was wrong.

I could tell she was very concerned, but to be honest, I was not focussed on her needs at that time. I had sort of 'shut-down'. I had become detached, I felt this huge sadness within and all around me. I felt empty and alone, lost, unloved, hurt and I suppose a little broken. I did not feel the rage I had when being beaten, just the opposite, I felt calm, calm but detached. On reflection, this is the third or fourth time this has happened when I have been beaten and have not been able to deal with the pain. There must be some kind of trigger that gets operated, perhaps its a chemical thing, some kind of protection device to anaesthetise things, to shut me off and help me survive. I hate this feeling so much.

MT was great as usual, she was worried because I felt like I did, I did not want her to feel upset, I wanted to tell her I was fine, that everything was ok, that I loved her with all my heart, but I couldn't. Although I knew the words were there I just could not access them, I just could not tell her those things. MT hugged me in bed, we got up to see the New Year in, watched some TV and went on the computer etc and then went to bed. I still felt the sadness and all the other things, but managed to utter the words 'I love you' before we went to sleep.

In the morning, I felt slightly better, but still hollow, we talked about it and I will post about the content of those discussions in another blog, because it is quite complex and is deserving of it's own space.

I wanted to feel ok again, I wanted to feel again, I wanted to say 'it is all ok I love you'. So when MT went to the bathroom, I went to our silver case, took out the strap on and put it on her pillow, and when she returned asked her to 'make love to me' (a phrase that is absolutely never usually associated with her fucking me like that, but it felt appropriate today, like it conveyed what I couldn't). Which she did, at first gently and then with most of her usual vigour and then I felt I was at 'home' again. Where I belong, serving my Owner and telling her how much I love her.

I still feel a bit shaky but much better than I did and reconnected to my owner. Being owned isn't easy, especially to a harsh sadist like my owner.

However it is where I belong.