Catch 22

Those of us who are property understand only too well the full implications of our position. Basically speaking, it is just about being and doing whatever one's Owner tells you to do. Now this is easier for some people than it is for others. Even the more difficult types like myself can still find themselves in a tricky place even when they have acted or reacted totally as their Owner has wanted them to. Sometimes there are consequences that may or may not have been foreseen either by the property, the Owner, or both. It is perhaps a little like the phrase 'be careful what you wish for'. Sometimes things turn out in a way you had not envisaged.

This type of thing can often quite trivial, but sometimes the implications of an Owner's actions and the subsequent effects upon the property can be quite serious. As an example, I have recently been made aware by MT of something I have been doing that I had not realised the implications of. TBH I had not given it any thought at all really.

My primary driver is of course to be a good slave for MT and provide her with the slave she wants and deserves (haha that could be taken in two ways :) ) I get numerous things from being her slave, far too many to mention. What I have discovered about myself, which was brought about by MT, is the impact of humiliation on me. I have spoken before about humiliation but in this case it is just an example of a principle.

MT caused me to be humiliated on numerous occasions and still does. I hate the humiliation, I can take most things in my stride but humiliation really does hit me hard. The impact has been so great that I now yearn for it. If I do not get humiliated I not only crave it but beg for it.and when I do not get it I get really moody and apparently 'pesky'. MT has said that it has become an issue, I had not realised this, but having listened to her perspective I now understand it more.

MT is a sadist, she discovered early on the impact humiliation has on me, so, along with all her other 'tools of the trade' she used it whenever she wished for numerous reasons. As she is in no way a 'service top' she dislikes my requests/ demands/ sulks for humiliation. Now I fully understand this and she is totally correct, and of course it is sadistic to not give a slave what they crave for, especially if they are persistent and pesky.

BUT, my problem is this, I am I suppose addicted to humiliation, I crave it so much and the craving is getting worse. Now MT is also a nice person as well as a mean sadist, and sometimes she does things mainly because she knows I like them and I really do appreciate this.

Her desire though now to humiliate me is in a way conflicted by my requests to be humiliated. It is a situation that I will have to get through, but I am finding it particularly hard, probably one of the hardest things.The first step is for me to shut the fuck up and just sit back and wait to see what does or does not happen to me. Regardless of the outcome, I need to remember that I only get given what MT wants to give me. I do get that, I really do, but the 'craving' is higher than anything else I have ever experienced.

It is also perhaps a little ironic that I never wanted to be humiliated in the first place. I was forced into being humiliated by MT, who can now also use my desire for humiliation as a weapon by not meeting that desire. Or, she can still humiliate me and bring me down as and when she wishes... fucking Owners, they get it all ways.