When it hurts

One of the things I find really hard in our O/p relationship relates to being owned by a sadist. Now if one was a masochist, this would seem like a match made in heaven. Unfortunately for me, I am not a masochist in the normal use of the word. As I have said before generally speaking, I totally hate pain and derive no direct sexual arousal from being subjected to pain.There are a few exceptions, but these are very specific things and even then it is not a guaranteed response.

I am by nature a sadist, and so is MT, I have never had any desire to be sadistic to MT, MT just loves to be sadistic to me, which is also unfortunate. There is very little that arouses her as much as inflicting pain on me, lots of pain and it really turns her on. She becomes almost like a wild animal sometimes, especially when blood flows, she is always in control but her wild side not so much emerges, it sort of leaps out at me.

Taking the pain is so hard for me, even though I have a very high pain threshold. I have had several broken bones in the past which I did not seek medical attention for, (not from MT I hasten to mention).But the pain I get from MT is often far more unbearable than those breaks. On many occasions I just want it to stop, at the time, I want it to stop more than anything else in the world and would probably agree to anything. Well I have to anyway, but you know what I mean.

I grit my teeth, I clench my fists, tense every bone and ligament at the lowest levels of pain I gasp. As the pain intensifies I hear myself grunt, shout, swear, scream, beg, plead, swear more, sometimes go totally quiet, I sweat profusely, sometimes shake, beg even more and when it really becomes so bad I cry. It may start with what humiliatingly could be called 'snivelling' and then proceed to full on crying or just gushes into full on crying and uncontrollable sobbing, sometimes accompanied by more screams.

Sometimes I want to say 'fuck off', sometimes I want to 'demand' it stops, sometimes I even think 'how can she hurt me like this when she is supposed to love me' . But deep inside, I know she loves me, even at the worst moments, I even think that perhaps there is an element of 'she wants to hurt me this much because she loves me so much'.

Some might wonder how I deal with this, well the physical pain is 'difficult' , that's a really big understatement. I get through it by thinking about the bigger things.Perhaps this goes some way to explain it;

I belong to MT, she is free to use me however and whenever she wants in any way she wants, that is her right.

As her property it is my place to accept and take anything she gives me, as willingly and cooperatively as I can.

I knew she was a sadist when I met her, I was fully aware of this, therefore I accepted this when I asked to be owned by her.

MT really enjoys being sadistic to me, it meets a need in her, she finds it arousing and fulfilling.

MT loves the fact I hate pain and yet take it so freely for her, it pleases her, it makes her happy. And I love to make he happy.

I like being able to give her this, it is something many would not be able to give her, but I can, I love pleasing her.

An important thing I often have to remind myself is that it is NOT about what I want, it is not about ME, everything is about HER.And that helps me get through it.


PS. MT is still in a lot of pain and is feeling very unwell. We would both like to thank everyone  who has been supportive, it is really nice to have so many people who send such kind words.