There are many things I find difficult about being a slave. I have overcome a huge number of things so far that were challenging but there are still some things I find very hard to overcome and repeatedly they interfere/ interrupt my slavery. When this happens there are several implications, firstly, I get so pissed off I react badly and often feel like saying ' fuck this I have had enough'. When I do act badly it totally hacks off MT, and sometimes it also upsets her. I do not like to cause her either of these feelings but, at the time, because I feel she has made me feel like I do, I think 'fuck it'.
Now I know this is not good slave behaviour, I know many people would see it as being appalling behaviour for anyone let alone a slave.Being a person with my background and life experiences coupled with my dominant personality make me a fairly strange person to perhaps be property. It was not something I ever yearned for, just the opposite in fact. but, I met MT and fell in love and the rest is history.
BUT....I do not think it is either surprising or to be unexpected that it was never going to be easy, either from my perspective or MT's.
My main problem is when I think MT is either treating me unfairly or badly 'In My Opinion'. It makes me kick off and I just can't seem to stop it. Whether the issue I get hacked off about has justification or not is pretty much a matter of perspective, rather than being factual (again in my opinion). So it would be pointless to discuss examples as it could be over anything.
The issue is really about me not being able to accept something which I really do not like or where I think MT is wrong/ mistaken or just being 'unnecessarily' bossy/ pedantic/ petty/ awkward etc. When this happens my opinion, my view, my feelings, my emotions, my angst etc becomes paramount to me and I really do not care too much about the impact on her at that particular time.
Afterwards, on cooling down, reflecting, re-considering etc I usually very much regret how I handled x or y and the impact it had on MT. Sometimes I see that I over reacted, took something negatively that was meant to be positive, or was just in a shit mood, or my viewpoint remains the same but I understand that she communicated something I misinterpreted, or made a genuine mistake, or that she just wants something I don't want her to want..
I know that many people may think Owners stand in such an exalted position they should never be challenged or criticised, disobeyed or upset by their property. Whilst in principle (in an ideal world) I can see this as being the 'perfect' O/p relationship position to be attained I personally find the 'real world' to be not such an easy place.
I am her slave, but I still have my own opinions, thoughts, standards, ethics, personality, emotions, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, desires etc etc.
Most of the time, I think I do pretty well, but the difficult times are the ones that really put a strain on a relationship. I do not think many people split up because their relationship is too perfect. It usually happens because there are problems which do not get resolved.
If I was to become a 'perfect slave' I believe I would only be able to achieve it by first becoming a 'perfect human being' . Being a realist and knowing myself reasonably well, I will never become a perfect human being, thus I shall never become a perfect slave.
What I WILL do, is to strive to become the best slave I can be for my Owner. For me, understanding where things go wrong/ awry and trying to change/ overcome/ modify etc my thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions accordingly may lead to greater success.
In the great internet world and in terms of the purity of an O/p relationship many people believe that the only criteria is to submit and accept everything totally at all times without exception. Also, that a slaves opinion is irrelevant or a slave should not perhaps even have an opinion, and that the only opinions that ever matter are those of the Owner.
I personally believe that such perfect O/p relationships rarely exist where for both parties there is complete utopia at all times.
I am sorry for all the times I have let down MT or pissed her off or upset her. I can not promise to never do it again, because I will. But I can promise to try harder and to continue to try and become the best slave I can.
MT knows me better than anyone else ever has, and I know she has no illusions about me and I know she expects me to not always meet her expectations.........but she does expect me to try and that is what I will continue to do.
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Monday, 13 June 2011
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Saturday
Today MT gave me a firm slap across the face whilst we were standing in the kitchen, ah bless, the first signs she is feeling a bit better. The end of my' holiday' seems perhaps in sight. Oh well, it made a change to not have pain for a while.
I had to work today, which was crap, but I have tomorrow off, hopefully I will be allowed to watch Arsenal in the cup final and the highlights of World Superbikes. It is amazing how television programmes can improve a slaves mood/ behaviour. Bad behaviour leads to the removal of TV privileges and other things, so if I was a betting person, I would say there is a pretty good chance I will be suffering from lots of good behaviour in the next 24 hours.
It has been an interesting week, some dickhead tried to run me over whilst I was waiting to cross the road. I was standing behind a stationary vehicle at the time. He then made his second mistake, he started to swear and remonstrate at me. Fortunately for him, I was in one of my more sedate moods and just gave him a tirade of abuse. He even did that thing where they pretend they are going to leap out of the vehicle to attack...but actually stay inside as if some invisible force is stopping them from getting out. I informed him that if he wished to get out there was actually no-one stopping him, he declined my kind invitation.How strange, perhaps it was something I had said. Strangely, it is times such as this that I find being owned difficult. One of my standing instructions is that I am not permitted to hit anyone unless under designated guidelines, or in self defence.
So, at times of say 'being slightly heated' this is truly difficult. One slave being incarcerated would be considered disobedience, how would I provide service to MT ? Would the prison service recognise her owner's rights ? Possibly not, but then again, it is MT.
Sadly, I learned today that one of my customers passed away last night. It was doubly sad as he was to be re-united with his wife today in a double room in a care home. They had been separated for about three weeks due to his hospitalisation and had been missing each other intensely. The family had hoped to re-unite them to give them one last time together. Life can be so cruel sometimes, another 24 hours was all they needed.
Next week is an expensive one, MT has her birthday on Wednesday and the little one's is on Friday so the bank account will be looking sad by the end of the week. I still haven't got a prezzie for MT and I still do not know what to even get her. Plus, I do not have much time to get one, at least she has me ha ha, even more reason to get her something nice.
I had to work today, which was crap, but I have tomorrow off, hopefully I will be allowed to watch Arsenal in the cup final and the highlights of World Superbikes. It is amazing how television programmes can improve a slaves mood/ behaviour. Bad behaviour leads to the removal of TV privileges and other things, so if I was a betting person, I would say there is a pretty good chance I will be suffering from lots of good behaviour in the next 24 hours.
It has been an interesting week, some dickhead tried to run me over whilst I was waiting to cross the road. I was standing behind a stationary vehicle at the time. He then made his second mistake, he started to swear and remonstrate at me. Fortunately for him, I was in one of my more sedate moods and just gave him a tirade of abuse. He even did that thing where they pretend they are going to leap out of the vehicle to attack...but actually stay inside as if some invisible force is stopping them from getting out. I informed him that if he wished to get out there was actually no-one stopping him, he declined my kind invitation.How strange, perhaps it was something I had said. Strangely, it is times such as this that I find being owned difficult. One of my standing instructions is that I am not permitted to hit anyone unless under designated guidelines, or in self defence.
So, at times of say 'being slightly heated' this is truly difficult. One slave being incarcerated would be considered disobedience, how would I provide service to MT ? Would the prison service recognise her owner's rights ? Possibly not, but then again, it is MT.
Sadly, I learned today that one of my customers passed away last night. It was doubly sad as he was to be re-united with his wife today in a double room in a care home. They had been separated for about three weeks due to his hospitalisation and had been missing each other intensely. The family had hoped to re-unite them to give them one last time together. Life can be so cruel sometimes, another 24 hours was all they needed.
Next week is an expensive one, MT has her birthday on Wednesday and the little one's is on Friday so the bank account will be looking sad by the end of the week. I still haven't got a prezzie for MT and I still do not know what to even get her. Plus, I do not have much time to get one, at least she has me ha ha, even more reason to get her something nice.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Thinking hurts.
For a considerable time, seems like for ever actually, I have been pondering some thoughts about the label 'Owner/ property relationships' . In the FL O/p group, for the sake of commonality, we define our group being for co-resident, 24/7, TPE, consensual non-consent slaves and owners. In principle, I have no real issue with this, but I do feel it leaves a lot of room for not only interpretation but also in relation to the extent of the power exchange.
Ever a person who is a walking contradiction, I dislike labels but also feel there needs to be a common understanding for the sake of discourse, and perhaps one label may not be sufficient to cover such a wide range. In the O/p group there are a very diverse range of O/p relationships. This is of course absolutely fine, as diversity is a good thing, we are all individuals and each of our relationships are unique to ourselves. But I do sometimes wonder if Owner/ property is actually the best label.
For a start, a person can own something but have limited or no control over it. The 'property' may be at the same location but there may be limited activity or no activity at all in relation to the power exchange. I keep asking myself different questions, but there is no absolute. Things like, if a person tells another they want to be their property and the other person accepts, if the owner never or rarely exerts any power over their property is an O/p relationship? Under the group definition as long as they were co-resident, 24/7 and agreed to the TPE, then it would fit, but would it actually be a power exchange relationship in anything other than name?
If a person is permitted a wide range of free will, are they in a TPE relationship? Or should it perhaps more accurately be described as a partial power exchange relationship?
If an owner, only ever requires their property to do things they either want to do or are comfortable with is this a TPE relationship ? Is it sufficient for there to be just the intent rather than the actual operation of the TPE?
Basically, if I was permitted to pretty much do as I please, to what extent would I be property, even if my owner was happy for this? Conversely, if a property does not do as it is told is it still in an O/p relationship or does it depend on the outcome eg whether they are either eventually forced into doing it or have to be disciplined for non compliance and then made to do it?
There are those who believe they are slaves even though they have no Master/ Mistress or anyone else influencing their lives, so how does this differ to property that might not be actively required to actually yield any control?
It is not a case of someone being slavier than someone else, it is more a case of defining the differences. It certainly seems to me that O/p has gone the same way as the original M/s and D/s definitions, ie they are now used on the internet to mean whatever anyone wants them to mean or are applied willy nilly by people, particularly the wannabees.
What seems to me to be a constant in any of the relationship types is the power exchange, at one end of the scale there is 'time' and 'extent' limited power exchange, such as a 'scene' through to relationships where there is no limit on time or extent of the power exchange.
The other factor which perhaps may influence the differences might be the extent of how much and how often a property is utilised against what would have been considered to be their chosen activities/ behaviours etc eg how much control is actually active, as opposed to a more passive type of PE.
I would think there might be some significant differences between the stresses, reactions, problems and physical strains placed on a property who is actively utilised and one in a more passive/less active role. If only 10% of time is spent on doing things a person might not like/ enjoy/ find difficult etc it might be easier to deal with the O/p relationship as opposed to someone who has greater percentage usage. Is that relevant?
Maybe, the key lies in defining the extent of the power exchange rather than the persons involved. If this was the case then at one end of the scale would be partial power exchange and at the other TPE where there is no limits on time, extent of the power exchange ie no limits and the power exchange is always active both in a physical and psychological context.
So I've raised myself a lot of questions, but come to no conclusions.
Ever a person who is a walking contradiction, I dislike labels but also feel there needs to be a common understanding for the sake of discourse, and perhaps one label may not be sufficient to cover such a wide range. In the O/p group there are a very diverse range of O/p relationships. This is of course absolutely fine, as diversity is a good thing, we are all individuals and each of our relationships are unique to ourselves. But I do sometimes wonder if Owner/ property is actually the best label.
For a start, a person can own something but have limited or no control over it. The 'property' may be at the same location but there may be limited activity or no activity at all in relation to the power exchange. I keep asking myself different questions, but there is no absolute. Things like, if a person tells another they want to be their property and the other person accepts, if the owner never or rarely exerts any power over their property is an O/p relationship? Under the group definition as long as they were co-resident, 24/7 and agreed to the TPE, then it would fit, but would it actually be a power exchange relationship in anything other than name?
If a person is permitted a wide range of free will, are they in a TPE relationship? Or should it perhaps more accurately be described as a partial power exchange relationship?
If an owner, only ever requires their property to do things they either want to do or are comfortable with is this a TPE relationship ? Is it sufficient for there to be just the intent rather than the actual operation of the TPE?
Basically, if I was permitted to pretty much do as I please, to what extent would I be property, even if my owner was happy for this? Conversely, if a property does not do as it is told is it still in an O/p relationship or does it depend on the outcome eg whether they are either eventually forced into doing it or have to be disciplined for non compliance and then made to do it?
There are those who believe they are slaves even though they have no Master/ Mistress or anyone else influencing their lives, so how does this differ to property that might not be actively required to actually yield any control?
It is not a case of someone being slavier than someone else, it is more a case of defining the differences. It certainly seems to me that O/p has gone the same way as the original M/s and D/s definitions, ie they are now used on the internet to mean whatever anyone wants them to mean or are applied willy nilly by people, particularly the wannabees.
What seems to me to be a constant in any of the relationship types is the power exchange, at one end of the scale there is 'time' and 'extent' limited power exchange, such as a 'scene' through to relationships where there is no limit on time or extent of the power exchange.
The other factor which perhaps may influence the differences might be the extent of how much and how often a property is utilised against what would have been considered to be their chosen activities/ behaviours etc eg how much control is actually active, as opposed to a more passive type of PE.
I would think there might be some significant differences between the stresses, reactions, problems and physical strains placed on a property who is actively utilised and one in a more passive/less active role. If only 10% of time is spent on doing things a person might not like/ enjoy/ find difficult etc it might be easier to deal with the O/p relationship as opposed to someone who has greater percentage usage. Is that relevant?
Maybe, the key lies in defining the extent of the power exchange rather than the persons involved. If this was the case then at one end of the scale would be partial power exchange and at the other TPE where there is no limits on time, extent of the power exchange ie no limits and the power exchange is always active both in a physical and psychological context.
So I've raised myself a lot of questions, but come to no conclusions.
Thursday, 10 February 2011
Perceptions
Sometimes I forget what a strange existence O/p must seem to the majority of the human race. I also still find it incredible that I have become part of this strange phenomena in the way that I have. To those on the outside, we must seem quite bizarre, giving up all rights and all control to another person, leaving ourselves totally dependent on someone else.The fact we choose to live this way must really spin their heads.
Just out of curiosity, I sometimes wonder what they really think we must be like as individuals, and collectively. I wonder if they perceive us as people without strength/ ability/ self esteem/ courage/ drive etc ? Do they see us as needy non functioning misfits who just want to to be controlled so that they do not have to make decisions or be responsible for their own actions ?
Of course, there will be a significant percentage of people who remain ignorant of our existence at all or of the whole principle of power exchange relationships at any level. To some, those who engage in BDSM are considered perverts and deviants who should have no place in society, imagine what those people would make of O/p.
The great thing about it though, is it does not matter to me at all what they think, it is my life and I am free to live it how I choose. I can honestly say that I find my life now much more fulfilling than before being property. I feel like it is where I belong.
In my opinion and from my own experience, to become property takes great strength, resilience, resolve, bravery and adventurousness. To me it was impossible to foresee what it would actually be like without having actually committing myself to it. I might have had romantic notions, and some level headed preconceptions but it transpired to be so much more and so much harder than I could have imagined.
Nor did I perceive what a moving beast it would be, how when I thought I could not be any more enslaved than I was I would suddenly find myself launched onto yet another level. And I did not know, that sometimes, it would become so hard it would seem like my first day at it. The levels build and build and I find myself so far removed from the being I was when I first became enslaved. I know, I am only part of the way along an experience that will only terminate when life expires. I look forward to my future knowing I am in safe hands, knowing I will continue to grow and evolve.
_____
MT is still very unwell. She reports that her pain levels have decreased sightly which is positive, but she is looking very unwell, clearly in a lot of pain, and sleeping a lot. I really hope that she will start to feel better and be back to her normal self soon.
Just out of curiosity, I sometimes wonder what they really think we must be like as individuals, and collectively. I wonder if they perceive us as people without strength/ ability/ self esteem/ courage/ drive etc ? Do they see us as needy non functioning misfits who just want to to be controlled so that they do not have to make decisions or be responsible for their own actions ?
Of course, there will be a significant percentage of people who remain ignorant of our existence at all or of the whole principle of power exchange relationships at any level. To some, those who engage in BDSM are considered perverts and deviants who should have no place in society, imagine what those people would make of O/p.
The great thing about it though, is it does not matter to me at all what they think, it is my life and I am free to live it how I choose. I can honestly say that I find my life now much more fulfilling than before being property. I feel like it is where I belong.
In my opinion and from my own experience, to become property takes great strength, resilience, resolve, bravery and adventurousness. To me it was impossible to foresee what it would actually be like without having actually committing myself to it. I might have had romantic notions, and some level headed preconceptions but it transpired to be so much more and so much harder than I could have imagined.
Nor did I perceive what a moving beast it would be, how when I thought I could not be any more enslaved than I was I would suddenly find myself launched onto yet another level. And I did not know, that sometimes, it would become so hard it would seem like my first day at it. The levels build and build and I find myself so far removed from the being I was when I first became enslaved. I know, I am only part of the way along an experience that will only terminate when life expires. I look forward to my future knowing I am in safe hands, knowing I will continue to grow and evolve.
_____
MT is still very unwell. She reports that her pain levels have decreased sightly which is positive, but she is looking very unwell, clearly in a lot of pain, and sleeping a lot. I really hope that she will start to feel better and be back to her normal self soon.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
Slave pruning
Last night I was allowed to go to sleep once the bedroom activities were complete, this was about 1:40 am, at about 7-30 am I was awoken by MT. I escaped to work, but on my brief return at 10-15 am when I was hoping for a pleasant rest, I was put to very rough use again and I also got a bloody caning on my still bruised butt, Grrrr.
Whilst at the sanctuary, I mean whilst at work this afternoon, I was merrily pruning some hydrangeas. I was rather belatedly cutting off last years dead blooms and cutting out the dead wood. Some of this was quite thick and particularly dense at the base (my first thoughts of a similarity with myself). If left in place, this dead wood would inhibit this years growth. It was at this precise moment that I also realised I was very much like the hydrangea in regards to it's need for pruning. Of course, you do not have to prune them, they will still grow year after year but they will perhaps never be quite as good as they could have been if they had been pruned.They will grow unchecked and unruly and perhaps even become unsuitable for their environment. Eventually, if left unattended and uncared for they may even perish prematurely.
Like the hydrangeas old wood, I have held old values, beliefs, and inbred and inbuilt facets of my personality and behaviour that had accumulated over the years. My base, ie my core self, had been cluttered and littered with the past and my indoctrinated beliefs.It was due to 'lack of pruning' that my submission had initially failed to grow and flourish as quickly as it might have done.
It was then that I recognised that of course MT had been systematically pruning and nurturing me ever since I had met her. She has methodically removed unwanted branches (parts of my behaviour and attitude etc) either entirely, or trimmed (modified) them during the course of our relationship. I have been pruned, trimmed, shaped and nurtured, as though MT is my gardener. It may not sound very glamourous but in practical terms it fits.
I am sure MT will find this quite humourous, MT and gardening used in the same sentence, it beggars belief.
But of course, I am not a hydrangea or any other type of shrub, I am a human being. Another 'light bulb' moment occurred and I thought about the fact that a shrub is not able to prune itself, someone either prunes it or doesn't get pruned. I on the other hand, being a sentient human being, am capable of assisting my owner in the pruning process and of growing into what she wants me to become. I believe I have made good progress recently, but I realise I have a responsibility to do my utmost to change/ grow by applying more effort to being what MT wants me to be, rather than the past where I was left un-tended.
It's a good job I wasn't spreading fertilizer today otherwise the analogy might have turned out somewhat differently, and probably a messy and not such sweet smelling ending.
Whilst at the sanctuary, I mean whilst at work this afternoon, I was merrily pruning some hydrangeas. I was rather belatedly cutting off last years dead blooms and cutting out the dead wood. Some of this was quite thick and particularly dense at the base (my first thoughts of a similarity with myself). If left in place, this dead wood would inhibit this years growth. It was at this precise moment that I also realised I was very much like the hydrangea in regards to it's need for pruning. Of course, you do not have to prune them, they will still grow year after year but they will perhaps never be quite as good as they could have been if they had been pruned.They will grow unchecked and unruly and perhaps even become unsuitable for their environment. Eventually, if left unattended and uncared for they may even perish prematurely.
Like the hydrangeas old wood, I have held old values, beliefs, and inbred and inbuilt facets of my personality and behaviour that had accumulated over the years. My base, ie my core self, had been cluttered and littered with the past and my indoctrinated beliefs.It was due to 'lack of pruning' that my submission had initially failed to grow and flourish as quickly as it might have done.
It was then that I recognised that of course MT had been systematically pruning and nurturing me ever since I had met her. She has methodically removed unwanted branches (parts of my behaviour and attitude etc) either entirely, or trimmed (modified) them during the course of our relationship. I have been pruned, trimmed, shaped and nurtured, as though MT is my gardener. It may not sound very glamourous but in practical terms it fits.
I am sure MT will find this quite humourous, MT and gardening used in the same sentence, it beggars belief.
But of course, I am not a hydrangea or any other type of shrub, I am a human being. Another 'light bulb' moment occurred and I thought about the fact that a shrub is not able to prune itself, someone either prunes it or doesn't get pruned. I on the other hand, being a sentient human being, am capable of assisting my owner in the pruning process and of growing into what she wants me to become. I believe I have made good progress recently, but I realise I have a responsibility to do my utmost to change/ grow by applying more effort to being what MT wants me to be, rather than the past where I was left un-tended.
It's a good job I wasn't spreading fertilizer today otherwise the analogy might have turned out somewhat differently, and probably a messy and not such sweet smelling ending.
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