Flawed slave

There are many things I find difficult about being a slave. I have overcome a huge number of things so far that were challenging but there are still some things I find very hard to overcome and repeatedly they interfere/ interrupt my slavery. When this happens there are several implications, firstly, I get so pissed off I react badly and often feel like saying ' fuck this I have had enough'. When I do act badly it totally hacks off MT, and sometimes it also upsets her. I do not like to cause her either of these feelings but, at the time, because I feel she has made me feel like I do, I think 'fuck it'.

Now I know this is not good slave behaviour, I know many people would see it as being appalling behaviour for anyone let alone a slave.Being a person with my background and life experiences coupled with my dominant personality make me a fairly strange person to perhaps be property. It was not something I ever yearned for, just the opposite in fact. but, I met MT and fell in love and the rest is history.

BUT....I do not think it is either surprising or to be unexpected that it was never going to be easy, either from my perspective or MT's.

My main problem is when I think MT is either treating me unfairly or badly 'In My Opinion'. It makes me kick off and I just can't seem to stop it. Whether the issue I get hacked off about has justification or not is pretty much a matter of perspective, rather than being factual (again in my opinion). So it would be pointless to discuss examples as it could be over anything.

The issue is really about me not being able to accept something which I really do not like or where I think MT is wrong/ mistaken or just being 'unnecessarily' bossy/ pedantic/ petty/ awkward etc. When this happens my opinion, my view, my feelings, my emotions, my angst etc becomes paramount to me and I really do not care too much about the impact on her at that particular time.

Afterwards, on cooling down, reflecting, re-considering etc I usually very much regret how I handled x or y and the impact it had on MT. Sometimes I see that I over reacted, took something negatively that was meant to be positive, or was just in a shit mood, or my viewpoint remains the same but I understand that she communicated something I misinterpreted, or made a genuine mistake, or that she just wants something I don't want her to want..

I know that many people may think Owners stand in such an exalted position they should never be challenged or criticised, disobeyed or upset by their property. Whilst in principle (in an ideal world) I can see this as being the 'perfect' O/p relationship position to be attained I personally find the 'real world' to be not such an easy place.

I am her slave, but I still have my own opinions, thoughts, standards, ethics, personality, emotions, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, desires etc etc.

Most of the time, I think I do pretty well, but the difficult times are the ones that really put a strain on a relationship. I do not think many people split up because their relationship is too perfect. It usually happens because there are problems which do not get resolved.

If I was to become a 'perfect slave' I believe I would only be able to achieve it by first becoming a 'perfect human being' . Being a realist and knowing myself reasonably well, I will never become a perfect human being, thus I shall never become a perfect slave.

What I WILL do, is to strive to become the best slave I can be for my Owner. For me, understanding where things go wrong/ awry and trying to change/ overcome/ modify etc my thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions accordingly may lead to greater success.

In the great internet world and in terms of the purity of an O/p relationship many people believe that the only criteria is to submit and accept everything totally at all times without exception. Also, that a slaves opinion is irrelevant or a slave should not perhaps even have an opinion, and that the only opinions that ever matter are those of the Owner.

I personally believe that such perfect O/p relationships rarely exist where for both parties there is complete utopia at all times.

I am sorry for all the times I have let down MT or pissed her off or upset her. I can not promise to never do it again, because I will. But I can promise to try harder and to continue to try and become the best slave I can.

MT knows me better than anyone else ever has, and I know she has no illusions about me and I know she expects me to not always meet her expectations.........but she does expect me to try and that is what I will continue to do.