After re-reading yesterdays blog following KellyRed's comment I realised I had not explained myself clearly, quite a common thing for me actually. So, I thought I would try to explain it a bit more clearly. I do not like being humiliated, I absolutely hate it. The feelings I get when I am humiliated by MT are not positive ones. I do not get a nice trippy sort of high feeling. What I get is more like, 'I am struggling to breathe properly, I wish I was anywhere else, doing anything else, just wanting so much to not be doing what I am being told to do'. I feel such a deep sense of shame, sometimes I can not even look at MT and can only look at the floor/ground. The feeling of shame, can last for hours/ days, even weeks. Some things still remain prominent in my head even though the event happened several years ago.
There is also a cumulative effect as well, when I reflect, and realise I have done X, Y, Z and X plus 20 etc it heightens my humiliation. There have been times when I think 'what has become of me?' , sometimes I think about how as the 'old' me would never have done this/put up with this, why am I doing it now? The answer of course is easy, well the generic answer is. Of course it is because I am owned, because I am property and this is what my owner requires of me. But it does not answer the 'why' question. Why , when I spent so much of my life ensuring I was never humiliated do I accept it now?
Given a choice, I would take physical pain over humiliation any day, and bearing in mind I am not a masochist and hate pain that speaks volumes as to how much I hate humiliation. Yet it is humiliation which has the greater impact on me and helps to reinforce my status as property and enhances/ reinforces my love, commitment and dedication to MT.
It is such a mystery to me, but I am ok about it being a mystery, because perhaps some things in life just 'are' and defy rational, logical thought or understanding.
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