Returning to normal service

It was a hard day at work today especially with a sore butt. Apparently, there will be another 'fitting' tonight, I just can't wait ! The term 'fitting' is not really appropriate/suitable, the thing does not 'fit' it is far too big to fit such a small aperture. Only a sadistic Owner could see it as 'fitting'.....Oh yes it all makes sense now.

Tomorrow is a day off, hooray,  the only problem is that it means I will be available to MT all day and that could spell trouble. The threat of the strap-on seems more likely to become a reality.I can tell by her mood and the way she looks at me that it is only a matter of time.

It is quite funny really, here I am at the age of 55 , still relatively muscular, weighing in at 13.5 stone and I am scared of my darling Owner who looks so sweet and feminine. The saying ' you should never judge a book by it's cover' springs to mind.

Reunited

Work, work work, anyone would think I was a slave.

Back with my dear friend Njoy tonight, after a lay off I forget how big it is. I am reminded. It is at best uncomfortable.Fortunately, I only had it in for two hours so I was quite lucky. Apparently it is MT being 'kind' as she is providing preparation for the bigger thing, so thoughtful, I feel loved :).

It is nice to be feeling more back to normal.

I do not understand my new head

Well today was OK, feeling a bit better, work was bearable.

The 'being away ' from MT thing really has turned out to have been a positive thing. Just the one night was more than enough to jog me back into the right frame of mind.

I still find my 'slave mentality' somewhat new. I still have a hard time understanding how I ever got here. But even more surprising has been the way my responses to things have changed. The old me I sort of knew and understood, there were really no great changes. The 'slave me' well that is a completely different kettle of fish. It feels a bit like childhood used to. An ever increasing sense of self awareness, vulnerability, never knowing what was to come next, and many new and exciting experiences. All of which is accompanied by the growing pains, the frustrations and confusions and the teen thing of 'no-one understands me'.This is coupled with never really knowing how I will respond to a new experience or indeed sometimes a repeated one.

It is all so confusing, but also so great.

Sickness and wealth

I know it is really boring, but I have been so unwell this Easter. Apart from a couple of short visits to the garden I have been house bound. I am feeling slightly better today which is good. Unfortunately, whilst it has been so hot my slight chip in the car windscreen has turned into a massive crack, so more money to find. The insurance will not pay the first £65.

I now need to reschedule cancelled gardening appointments in a diary that is already full, I feel really hacked off about that. I know I should not work this week, but I have to. The more work I miss the worse it will be later. MT is considering putting her foot down with the work and about me going to the Doctors. The problem is I do not feel well enough for work, but this month we have so many outgoings to make I just 'have' to go. Not going is not an option.

I am aware of course that there is a risk I might crash as a result of the work, but I sort of feel that I must try to keep going. If I do crash, then at least I tried. The windscreen is also a time issue, I will have to re schedule some work to get the repair done...another time management issue.

When I am this unwell there is little I can do actively as MT's slave and I really do not like that. It makes me feel that I am letting her down, especially as she is unwell. It also makes me feel less of a slave as I am not carrying out any duties or providing services. MT has been great and has been looking after me which is lovely, she really is special.

The night away from her really made me realise just how much I love her and how much I love being hers. I still feel a bit of a pang as she faired much better being apart than I did, but then that was the reality and 'reality' is something a slave perhaps has to deal with more than most people.The reality of not being able to change things or make decisions unless given approval being just the tip of a very large iceberg.

A 'PET'?

It was fantastic being back in bed with MT last night, a very good reminder of what a privilege it is to be her slave. Probably due to my recent behaviour, MT said today that she was considering downgrading my status to 'pet' instead of slave. Now I do not know how serious MT was about this but I can never really tell what might or might not happen.

My initial off the top of my head thought was 'Oh that's nice, sort of sweet, being her pet. Lots of patting, being looked after and given treats etc'. I mentioned this to MT and her response was of course somewhat different. Being her pet would be a very big step down (perhaps the clue I did not pick up on 'downgraded to pet' should not have been missed). I was left realising that being moved to pet may not be a good idea. Don't pets also get sent to the vetinary for all types of horrible things? I think so, and there are certain things that would be very unappealing.

I am hoping it was just a joke, but of course it might not be. Perhaps it might be a good idea to focus a bit more on being a good slave. Just a thought ;)

Back where I belong

I did not enjoy last night one little bit. Being parted from MT felt so wrong and unnatural. It did , however, reinforce how much I love her and need to be with her.

Dear little old lady decided to sleep on the recliner in the sitting room with the TV on, with the sound pretty much on maximum. Guess what time she turned the telly off ? yep you guessed it, she didn't turn it off all night.

I meanwhile attempted to shut my ears in the bedroom down the hallway, but as I needed to be able to hear if she needed me or fell etc I had to leave the door open. So I listened to programme after programme all through the night. There were some intervals I do not remember so I must have dropped off to sleep a little. I thought MT knew how to torture a slave, but little old lady might take some beating.

Anyhow, the night fortunately did eventually end and morning was gratefully received. Having made tea and breakfast I then commenced on my gardening duties at little old ladies house and eventually left there eleven hours after I had arrived.

Then off to the next job after a short visit to my darling Owner who I was so happy to see.

In a way it has been beneficial for me, it has reminded me how much I love and miss her when we are apart. But I do not want to repeat the experience, I know where I belong.

A night with another woman

Tonight MT has given me permission to go and sleep with another woman.

Yes it is totally true, tonight I shall be with another woman. She is mature, very mature, in fact very very mature. In fact, she is 87 years old.

Unfortunately we shall not be 'playing' as she has just come out from hospital after an operation.

OK, being sensible for a change, one of my little old ladies has been let down at the last minute by a carer (for a legitimate reason though) and has no-one to stay overnight in the house with her. So being the soft touch that I am I asked MT if I could offer to stay with her for the night until she can get a replacement carer. MT being as equally soft said yes.

Although I volunteered to go I really do not want to. MT and I have not spent a night apart since we moved in together and I hate the thought of being away from her, even though in distance we will only be separated by about three quarters of a mile. It just seems and feels so wrong, I am really not looking forward to it.

It sounds particularly silly to feel this way especially at my age, I must be getting really soft in my old age. I am missing her already and I haven't even gone yet. I know I will not be able to sleep properly, it feels so wrong.

It is times like this that make me realise just how much I love and need her.

Sleep and slave

A beautiful sunny day slightly marred by the work thing. I love the sun, but gardening in it is not so much fun. Still, money has been earned and that is good. I know MT longs to go back to work but there is something very slavey about being out working outside whilst MT is at home. It seems sort of fitting, although sometimes I have to admit to feeling a bit jealous and sometimes even a little resentful (on the days I feel exhausted). Bad slave form I know but I never professed to being anything close to good let alone perfect :)

It just seems sort of right that I should go out and do hard labour and return with the days earnings. On the downside, because I get so tired it does have a negative impact on my ability to provide other services and also the tiredness often makes me niggly ( OK, to be honest often bloody irritable). Sometimes trying to stay awake is just too demanding and sleep overtakes everything.

I am, however, a light sleeper and wake at the slightest of noises most of the time. This is probably due to the many years of having to respond from sleep to emergency calls in the fire service. Once awake I really am wide awake and have great difficulty getting back to sleep and often get up and then stay up for several hours until tiredness overtakes me again. I then go back to bed and then can't wake up easily when it is time to get up. It is a cycle made even worse by the cluster headaches which often occur in the early hours.

MT is exceptionally patient with my night time manoeuvres, loo trips, sleeplessness and cluster headaches to name but a few.Fortunately I do not get punished/disciplined for these poor bedtime behaviours which is very fortuitous.

Shopping

Today was a bright and sunny one and MT and I had a day trip to Peterborough. Dropped off the parts for Cati's impending operation at the garage and then off to the shopping centre. Saw an old friend I had not seen for about 9 years so it was really nice to catch up, hopefully we will catch up more in the future. We used to go out 'hunting' together, as he is quite good looking we used to have a fair amount of success. We reminisced about nights of past youth (actually we were both in our late thirties when we first started hunting together) but that does seem quite young to now as we are both in the mid fifties.

MT and I were both tired after nearly six hours of shopping, broken up by several coffees and lunch of course. The drive back was a bit tiring, then the dreaded supermarket shop...and finally home. Then I had to unpack and put away the shopping and then get the tools ready for work tomorrow and then phone customers. Now finally at 8-55pm I can rest,  it has been a nice but long day.

Easy day

The dreaded cluster headaches struck again last night leaving me feeling tired and irritable today. Had a nice walk with MT in the forest this afternoon which was relaxing. Watched football on TV, Manchester City beat Manchester United which was good.

It is nice to have three days without work. On Monday we are going to Peterborough for the day, I will also drop some parts off to the motorbike garage in preparation for Catis operation, er I mean service. Cati will get new bits and pieces fitted in May and will be well serviced. It will be a difficult time being parted from her for a week but it should be worth it. I am sure she will be a much better ride after she has been well lubricated.

Suspense

The cluster headaches have taken their toll these last few weeks, but last night I actually did not have an attack. To have a night where I  was not woken up by massive pain was pure bliss. It made today much more manageable, which was good as work was busy. Tomorrow is also mega busy, in fact the next few months will be a nightmare as it seems 'everyone' wants work doing. It is of course a good thing from a financial perspective, but I miss not having time with MT.

Having quality time together is important, especially some time where it is just the two of us and we are free to be ourselves. MT has said in the past that she would like us to go away together somewhere remote and spend some time treating me as she would really like to treat me. The response to my enquiries as to what this actually meant sent  shivers down my spine, well just about everywhere actually.

I found myself , as is often the case in a dichotomy over the revelations. On one hand, I felt the rush and surge of adrenalin fuelled euphoria of being treated in such ways. On the other hand, the harsh realities of what that might/would/could feel like brought about a deep sense of fear and trepidation.

One of the 'things' about MT is she knows exactly how to play me. Of course it could just be mind games, and even if it wasn't, the ability to realise it might not be possible, but then again of course, MT can pretty much arrange and do anything she wants/likes .

Being in this position, where I never know what will happen from one minute/hour/day/month to the next etc is both exhilarating and scary as fuck. It keeps me on my toes, keeps me on edge, when I get complacent I am at my most vulnerable. Often nothing unexpected does happen, but every now and then it does. There is always a bullet in the chamber I just never know where it is or when the trigger might be pulled.

Too much information ?

On the O/p Group there is a thread discussing people who divulge intimate details of their O/p relationship with their family and friends. Each to their own as far as I am concerned, if they feel comfortable with that then that is fine, but I do wonder how the recipients of such information feel. If they decide they do not want to know, then it would seem to me that that is a reasonable stance and their preference should be respected.

This made me think about my own family and how each of them might react. My family and I are not in very regular contact and go some years in between seeing each other and live some distance away, so it is not like we ever just bump into each other.

So this is how I envisage each of them might react or in the case of my Mum, might have reacted :-

Dad - Total silence, total disbelief, swiftly followed by ranting outburts containing words such as , fucking freak, fucking pervert, fucking disgrace, your no son of mine, you fucking sissy, fucking poof etc. After this would be total hand washing and the 'you are dead to me routine'.

Mum - How big is the strap on?, does it hurt ? do you like it ? Why ? Can I watch ? Are you gay ? it doesnt matter if you are . Was it my fault ?

Brother 1 - OH, fucking hell, fucking hell, fucking hell. I never would have thought it, fucking hell, fucking hell (he does like to swear). Well as long as your happy.

Brother 2 - Silence. More silence. Hmmmm I just don't understand how you can be submissive to a woman. You know, they are all just there to be told what to do and to use when you like. Why would you want to do that ? Oh well, never mind.

Step Brother - A slave ? well there aren't slaves any more. You can't be a slave, they don't exist. Whats a strap on ? Why does she hit you ? thats cruel, does it hurt ? See that's why I don't go out with women they are scary.


As a general rule, I do not discuss our dynamic except when we go to places where there are like minded people. On odd occasions people have picked up on a few things and if asked then I tell them as long as it does not compromise us or the family. My general view of life anyway has always been to not worry about what others may or may not think. I have always been more concerned with being able to live with myself and feeling comfortable about who and what I am. Seeking approval or acceptance from others does not feature on my radar.

Sunny day slave

Today has been a very nice one. The weather was really good, sunny and warm, well warm for April in the UK. We got up early and drove to the coast. It was nice to be out and about, it is nice to mix with society some of the time.

The only real downsides were that I had a massive cluster headache attack whilst we were in a cafe and MT got very tired as the day progressed. It was not a day to watch the diets, there was eating of dohnuts and chips (I had fish as well) plus of course there was the almost obligatory ice creams. MT also brought me some brandy snaps and hard toffee which was a real treat, so I have been a very spoilt brat today.

The soreness from the njoy is continuing to be more than a little pesky, driving and walking around were shall we say 'uncomfortable' to say the least. I just hope it heals soon as I have a busy week at work.

Last night I earned some plus points by giving MT's feet some attention, it is beyond me, but she really likes me to exfoliate them ! each to their own, we all have our little kinks :). Doing some personal service things often makes MT happy and that makes me happy

Well things are starting to get a bit more back to normal, which is a good thing. When I am not where I should be I feel a bit lost and that tends to make me feel disconnected. When everything goes smoothly it is easy for me to maintain the right frame of mind and I seem to become immersed in my submission. When it becomes difficult, I start to feel like I am drowning and when this happens, just like a drowning person I tend to grab hold of whatever is nearest (MT) and end up dragging her down with me.

It is important this pattern gets broken as it is very damaging to both of us. At the moment, I am floating merrily along and it is a nice feeling to be getting back to normal. I still have a way to go but feel much more settled again.

Last night I was sent to sleep with the dreaded njoy, today feels rather bruised and sore, especially when I took Cati out for a spin. I was allowed a can of cider tonight which was a real treat,  I haven't had one for ages so it is being drunk very slowly.It is funny how things change, before being owned I would never have sipped and savoured a pint of cider, it would have been necked down in minutes (seconds sometimes).

It is often these smaller things that I notice the most, the cider was much more significant than the soreness, strange world isn't it.

Karma

It has been a rather busy week, but thankfully I have felt much better health wise. Work again tomorrow, but only a half day so that is good.

It has been an easier week getting back into the right frame of mind in regards to being property. It has been an indirect thing really, I just let things slide and I should not have done so. MT has been a little better this week, I can tell from numerous little tell tale signs.

Apart from her actually physically looking better, her having more energy etc there has been the imparting of information as to impending physical use. The type of use this slave has not had to endure for a while, the dreaded strap on is to be dusted and cleaned in preparation.

To some, this may not sound too bad, but... it is the large black one which is to be prepared and one does not like that thing one little bit. Apart from the pain/ discomfort/ humiliation of the act,it is the subsequent days or even weeks of aftermath that I cringe at the most.

Not being able to sit comfortably or even move without the feel of the bruising and perhaps a tear or two. Some might find this quite fitting, many years were spent administering the joys of anal sex to submissive girls without much thought or care of how sore it might be. To be on the receiving end (excuse pun) is probably karma. I love the expression ' It is better to give than to receive' though, it feels so apt.

At least work is over for the day. MT made me a nice coffee and with that drunk it will soon be time to get on with some other things. First task is to get the slave clean for it's owner, then cook dinner, then wash up and then make a good plea to watch the football on telly. I have been pretty spoilt on the sport front lately so the football request could get a red card.

I am very lucky really because MT is very good to me about me watching sport and my favourite TV programmes. If I start to see them as any sort of right I know they will disappear.

Last night was my current favourite, Spartacus, Gods of the Arena. I am not really prone to having fantasies per se but have to admit the whole gladiator and slave thing really does it for me. If I could choose an era to live in for fantasy purposes it would have been then. No doubt I would still have belonged to MT, just imagine how harsh that life would have been with MT living in an era where there were literally no constraints.

Before becoming property, my fantasy would have been that I would have been a rich Roman with a multitude of sexy slave girls to use and abuse. How things have changed, now the fantasy is to have been MT's slave led around publicly in chains and be actively seen as hers at all times.

Knowing my luck I would have probably ended up being one of those slaves who had to warm the toilet seats for rich men.

Reflection

One of the things that causes me issues in our O/p relationship is focussing attention on aspects which I feel are important and/or show my commitment/devotion. Whilst this is well intentioned I have on numerous occasions missed the vital part, that being of course that it doesn't matter what I think, what matters is what MT wants.

By focussing on what I think, I neglect the things that are important to MT. When this gets pointed out to me my initial feelings are often ones of annoyance as I have usually put quite a lot of effort into doing what I thought was important. When I have calmed down a bit and given the matter rational thought then I realise she was of course totally correct.

I find it so easy to fall into this trap, I might spend time doing something that I think will be appreciated whilst MT is getting more and more miffed with me because I have neglected to do x,y,z etc. It is something I must stop doing, although it is well intentioned it is totally pointless and therefore a waste of time. Therefore, I will try to pay more attention to what is important to her and try to ensure I meet those requirements.

I think that trying to be proactive can be a very good thing.....providing ones owners needs/requirements have already been met.

I am feeling like I am getting back into 'being owned' head space again now that I am feeling better in my health and am less tired. Three days off has been a nice break from work and I feel more able to focus time and energy directly to MT.

I am feeling a lot better today. Finally got the right medication from Dr on Friday, steroids and correct antibiotics. The doctor was quite stroppy at first, so I had to use a bit of the old dominant stuff, he was fine then, nice to be able to use it sometimes.

Cati and I had a great ride on Saturday, the bitch just gets better and better.Have to get her serviced soon, a slaves work is never done.

As I said in previous blogs lately, I have not been a good slave recently and I am trying harder to get back on the right track. MT and I have had several chats which have been very constructive. We have both aired some long held issues and MT has been really patient with me, but the time has come for me to step up and deliver more consistently. Without realising it I had become too self indulgent and not focussed on my need to always put her first. In my defence, I suppose because I have been very active doing a lot while she has been unwell I became too distracted by how busy I was and let the most important things drop.

There will be some changes I am sure, once MT has considered everything and decided how she wishes to proceed. Meanwhile, I am trying to focus directly on just being well behaved and being attentive. I find it so much easier when I am feeling Ok, not stressed or tired, so maybe that is where the key lies.

Already I am feeling more slavey again, it makes me feel safe and secure.

Tomorrow I am taking MT to hospital, hopefully new medication we have high hopes for will be forthcoming.