Contradictions

Last night, I managed to escape any further use, MT was tired and so was I, so the only 'action' was sleep and my rump was given a well deserved rest.I have a feeling that MT was up for it but could see I was too tired, not that my tiredness saves me sometimes.

This 'slave' thing is quite a strange position to be in. On one hand I yearn for the physical use and on the other hand I am grateful for escaping such use. I want it yet, do not want it simultaneously, how strange that feels to me is something I guess I may never get used to.

In some ways I suppose it is part of what keeps everything alive and fresh. The never knowing what is going to happen next and being excited by that uncertainty and yet at the same time wanting to know what is about to happen or not happen as the case may be keeps me on my toes. I always feel aware of my vulnerability.

Then there is the strong desire to serve  and to please your Owner which on occasions is sometimes countered by the opposing internal 'self preservation' instincts.This is particularly the case when MT decides to physically use me very hard. My mind and body cries out for it to stop yet there is another part inside which says 'take it, please her, it doesn't matter about the pain , just take it'.

For me, in many ways slavery seems full of contradictions. Sometimes I crave the right to do as I please and yet when I am in that position I do not want it and crave the control. Sometimes fleeting thoughts of ' if she really loved me she wouldn't hurt me this much ' is countered by ' she hasn't hurt me for a long time I wonder if she still loves me ? '.

It is all so complex, so fluid , so puzzling, yet so fulfilling.