"Slight" trepidation

Every year I receive at least two or three severe beatings from MT. These are a routine thing 'just because' and not anything to do with punishment or due to some specific misdemeanour. These truly are occasions that I find so difficult it is hard to put them into words. Suffice to say, by the end I am bruised, broken, bleeding and crying.

MT just happened to mention in bed that it has been a long time since I had been given a "proper" beating. Her rather 'matter of fact, it's nothing' tone sounding almost insignificant to an untrained ear. The words, however, had a huge impact on me and I could almost feel my heart sink as it beat that nervous beat it always does when impending doom is going to descend.

I realised of course that she was right, I could almost say it is overdue by normal standards. So far five whole months have passed of this year without one. I could look on the positive side of that, but reality tells me there is nothing positive about the situation. I must now sit back and wait for the inevitable torment.

As we are going out to a new venue soon, it is occurring to me that could be the location. When she is really brutal with me it is usually always in private, so a public beating of this nature would be especially bad. I always beg and plead (pathetically in the end) for mercy and for it to stop, but of course it only stops when MT has decided it will stop and she is relentless and fierce. I cry and scream and lose the plot so it would be really humiliating to have this witnessed by strangers. I would much rather this be in private and hold on to at least a scrap of dignity. My main hope is that MT wouldn't be that sadistic in public for her own self preservation.

These beatings (etc, there is often much more than just that) are a necessary thing, it reminds me of my place, keeps me in line and afterwards I feel sort of tranquil and settled and somehow safe. It also makes me feel loved. Most importantly though MT needs to really vent her sadism sometimes

Reading this back, makes me realise just how much I have changed.