My owner's a pain.

There are many things I love about our O/p relationship, but there are a few things that are not only 'not loved' but actually very intensely disliked. The aspect I dislike the most is pain, I am not really a masochist, generally speaking I get no sexual gratification from pain (there are one or two exceptions but I seldom get those acts). I seldom get anything that I actively like, usually the opposite applies.

I hate pain and unfortunately, I happen to be in love with a very harsh sadist. It is however, strangely also one of the reasons I love her so much. Confused?  Well, although I hate it, she knows I 'benefit' from it, I do not really understand why I need it but it just feels right and afterwards I feel very calm, loved and importantly, very very very owned.

I have several different responses to pain and I never really know which one will manifest itself until I start to feel it. There are times when I really, and I mean really totally fucking resent it. There have been occasions where I have just wanted to say 'just fucking well stop you fucking bitch' or I have really had to stop myself from just getting up and fucking off somewhere, or the worst where I have felt like getting up and smashing the pain giving device.

Then there are the main times where after the initial angst/ anger/ fear etc I just settle into it, knowing that there is nothing I can do but take it. Knowing that no matter how much I plead, no matter how much I beg, or scream or shout or swear or break and cry it will go on for however long MT wants it to. I know totally that I am powerless in this scenario, unless there is some medical reason or extreme psychological trigger issue which she responds to.

There are times when the pain is the result of MT using me sexually, the same applies. No matter how much it hurts or how much I scream or cry it continues until MT has had enough. As an ex Dom and as a sadist I not only understand this, but also respect and admire it. Live by the sword die by the sword seems an apt phrase. There is also probably quite a lot of karma about it, I never thought I would ever end up on the receiving end, literally. MT is right, lube is a 'privilege' and not a right.

At the moment, due to MT being unwell, I have had a few weeks where there has not been any pain (apart from seeing MT unwell). I am missing it, yet I do not want it, I know I need it, I need it quite badly. It keeps me calm, keeps me focused, it helps to keep me in line, it reinforces our O/p and it makes me feel loved. She really has done a good job on me hasn't she?

The really big positive thing about taking this pain for MT is because she loves it so much. It makes her so happy to see me in so much pain/ agony and she loves the fact I am taking it for her, to please her, especially as she knows I hate it so much. She knows she goes way beyond any line I would draw, it's part of what she likes. She really does get a kick out of my pain, she becomes so aroused, so animated and so animalistic...  she is never more beautiful or as alluring as when she is like this. She glows.

Of course there is also the emotional/ psychological sadism, but I will save that for another day.