Anticipation

Well last night went easily enough. There was no nasty slave use, I was just required to give MT a few orgasms which is always a pleasure and a privilege.

Since we had the 'discussions' and active demonstrations that MT was of course free to take her pleasure with other people I have grown more accustomed to the fact that it is a 'privilege' to be the one MT chooses to take her pleasures from.It is in aspect I still have some difficulties with but I am becoming more comfortable with it than I was before.

Unfortunately, my views on this have proved a useful weapon/tool for MT to use. She often mentions it, so it has become a psychological method of humiliation/taunting/teasing etc. I never know when MT is seriously considering something or just teasing. She is a cunning Owner, sometimes she may say x or y might happen but I never know for sure if it is to become a reality or just a mind fuck.

Being kept in a virtually permanent state of 'suspense' is a very powerful thing for me. I enjoy the 'never knowing what's next' feeling. It ranges from mild curiosity to absolutely not being able to wait to find out what will happen.

It all  gives me a rush, it makes me feel alive, it helps to quell the mundaneness and boredom that is so easy to have creep up on you in life. I love feeling myself gasp, feeling my heart beating faster and feeling each pulse through my body. The sort of tingly adrenalin rush that sometimes makes my body quiver or shake has become something I long for and crave with increasing intensity. This again can easily be used against me. MT knows when I long for something and sometimes she denies me it which is very tortuous.

I have ended up trying to mentally prepare myself for anything, but that is a tall order and sometimes no amount of preparation is actually enough to lessen the impact of some events.