Aspirations

I try very very hard to be a good slave for MT but sometimes I fail miserably. I could make lots of excuses but quite frankly I have never liked it when people make excuses for poor or bad performance, so I do not like using ' excuses' myself.

I am quite comfortable with 'reasons' though, I see these as being very different, unless of course they are excuses disguised as reasons.

For some time now I have followed scott's blog on http://mrsemmakelly.com/ . I find scott's blog fascinating and admire his commitment, devotion and dedication along with many other things. Sometimes, however, scott makes me feel a little (a lot sometimes) ashamed of myself as I do not feel his 'drive' to serve so selflessly as much as he does. I read his words and think ' I wish I could be like that',  or 'I wish I could just come to terms with things like that '.

I think time may well be relevant, he and his Owner have been together for many years and probably lived through quite a lot of experiences together. I am 5 years into my slavery and it has not generally come naturally to me. I never had a desire to serve before meeting MT, just the opposite actually.

Perhaps being a dom all those years is a reason for my lapses. Given an inch I will take a yard, old habits die hard I guess.

I am continuing to 'try' of course and I am very different now to how I was 5 years ago. MT has been very patient and tolerant and directive and continues to do so. Of course, she should not really have to be, I wanted this, I asked for it and she should ALWAYS have a willing slave and she should get it without any of the aggravation I give her.

There is just 'something' that now and again interferes with my submission and compliance. It is not a conscious thing, I really detest upsetting her and not being a good slave. It just 'happens' sometimes and try as I might when it comes I just can't control it.

I do think I am getting better, I think the occurrences are getting less frequent and less dramatic. But I would really like to feel how scott and many others feel, so comfortable and so driven by the desire to serve.

I also read the posts on the O/p group on FL and often think "OMG  x person or y person is such a committed and dedicated slave, why can't I be like that"?

Of course, everyone has their bad days/ times, also evident from slave and Owner posts.

I am not disheartened about my slavery, just disappointed in myself sometimes. But I will continue to try and maybe one day I might just get close.