A submissive dominant or a dominant submissive ?

On the O/p group there is currently a discussion about naturally submissive people which I have found very interesting. So I thought I would blog about my experiences and thoughts on this.

My initial thoughts were that I would say I am a naturally dominant person and thus have some difficulty understanding the mindset of naturally submissive people. But having given the matter some careful consideration I realised that if I had said that it would not strictly be true.

As a child I often sought validation and approval from people around me and if this meant that I needed to be subservient then so be it. My main target for approval/acceptance was from my Father, after many years of trying I eventually gave up. I learned through experience that no matter how hard I tried or whatever I achieved it was never enough.

When I started senior school at the age of eleven I entered a world where I felt very vulnerable. Being in an all male school with pupils ranging from 11 to 16 years old was very daunting. I was also thrust into an environment where the upbringings, standards, values and morals of many of the pupils were far different from my own. Basically it was the law of the jungle, the fiercest and fittest survived and the rest of us were their to provide amusement, services or material items as required.

I quickly learned that if I did not comply then I would suffer, physically or psychologically or both....and I did on numerous occasions. In short, I was bullied and after a while I chose the path of least resistance and just gave in to pretty much every demand made of me. I was incredibly unhappy and my Father was not only unsympathetic but actually added to my predicament by making his own threats if I did not stand up for myself.

This continued for just over two years. At thirteen and a half years of age a group of boys aged 15 nearly killed me and my two friends by dropping large boulders over the edge of a cliff whilst we were standing below. All I can remember is a massive surge of rage and suddenly found myself standing over the biggest of the 15 year olds as he lay on the floor unconscious. The other boys ran away, my knuckle was sore and I realised I had knocked this boy out.

I was so shocked by my actions, but also so pleased, I no longer felt vulnerable, I realised I could do something about how I was treated by others. There were several more skirmishes over the coming weeks, which I won and my confidence grew immensely. When school restarted and the biggest bully demanded my money, which I had given him virtually every week for two years, I told him to fuck off, he tried to grab me but I hit him and he cried. No one touched me after that or demanded anything from me and although I often still felt scared/frightened I also felt empowered to deal with things.

As time went by, my general confidence grew and grew and I became a person that others wanted to follow, in short I became dominant. The more people tried to appease me the more confident I became and the more dominant I became. From being terrified of girls I transitioned into dominating them and loved every minute of it. I still realised I could be vulnerable but developed a keener sense for self survival and learned to try to not get into difficult situations in the first place, prevention can often be better than a cure.

So I became dominant, essentially as a method for survival. This manifested itself in all aspects of my life and I was absolutely committed to never wanting to feel like I had done prior to my transition.

All of my relationships had me very much the dominant person, although they were not always formalised. I did not even consider trying to put a label to what I was or how I was, I was just me.

I found dominance pretty easy in my career and private life and there was no room for any type of submission, even when I was confronted with no win situations, I always chose to lose while still fighting and never accepted defeat.

When I met MT I was very much still a dominant person, yet felt this strange urge when she strated to impose herself upon me. I also tried imposing, but only pushed to a certain point. I was falling in love with her, she was very very strong willed and not at all evidently submissive. A battle could have ended up very bloody but I knew she would never be submissive to me. Thus, if I wanted a relationship with her it would have to be with her dominating me. I considered this very very carefully as I did not think I had a submissive bone in my body. Logic also told me that dominance had not found me happiness at a sustained level. All my relationships had ended by my volition, even though the significant ones were with just cause.

Love can make you do strange things, so I submitted, bit by bit and not without a fight sometimes (still do but not so frequently). I found trust building,  and with that trust I felt it easier to submit more and more until the ultimate point when I became MT's property.

I have grown to love my submission and to love my service, but of course it is only to her...unless she orders me to submit to otheres under her direction.

When I analyse it, I might have been a naturally dominant person who learned to be submissive in order to survive. The survival tactic worked for a while and then something snapped and I became very dominant in a very short space opf time and remained that way for 37 years in my interactions with everyone. Then I fell in love with a dominant woman and felt safe to be submissive and to NOT have to be dominant in my relationship with her. My dominance to the rest of the world is probably still my defence mechanism, born out of an inherrent mistrust of the world that still predominantly stands.

It sounds complicated yet is simple but in a complicated way. Phew :)