Limbo

As the astute may have noticed from my blog I have not been myself lately. I am still feeling under the weather and as usual fairly tired. The main area however, has been my difficulties as property. When MT is ill my role is quite defined, there is plenty to do and I am very 'actively slaving'. The lack of physical sexual usage and humiliation is missed, but not that much as I am usually so busy/ preoccupied with MT and doing what needs to be done.

A the moment, MT is in a recovery phase, she is still unwell but is getting better. During this phase, there is not so much to do in some areas, while there are still a great many in others. Whilst there has been some sporadic physical sexual use and humiliation we are far from where we usually are. So, it is a bit like being in limbo, not busy enough to keep my mind off the depleted physical side of our relationship but overly busy enough to feel stressed.

I started the 'physicality' thread on the O/p board because I was interested how other slaves would feel if  their physical usage was taken away from them and how this might affect them and their O/p relationship.

In my case, if I am not being actively physically used in certain ways I start to feel adrift, sort of lost, a slave without portfolio. I begin to feel a bit more independent, I get irritable and somewhat argumentative. I realise I am doing it but in general find it hard to stop myself. Of course, I understand this is not acceptable, but it just sort of happens.

I think that as we are all individuals we have different drivers, different things motivate us and conversely different things demoralise/ demotivate us.

I have often thought that maybe slaves could be categorised by their main drivers eg service slaves, pleasure slaves, worker slaves etc and as an additional complication, there are those who positively give everything willingly to their owner and then perhaps those who require 'encouragement'. I would definitely fit into the latter category, although when I have been very 'motivated' by MT I then tend to enter the 'willing' group and require little or no external motivation.

I realise, that having been in O/p for nearly five years now, that 'according to the true slave/ property manual' I should not be feeling like this. I happen to be a cynic and do not believe in fairy tale romances, nor do I believe that people in real O/p relationships have never had issues or never do have them.

I may be deluding myself that to have issues/ problems etc is perfectly normal in such a different type relationship, but if I am, then I would be more than a little suprised. All I can ever really say, is how I feel, what I see and what I think, of course it could all be a total load of bollocks, but at least it is my bollocks.