Today was mega busy so I am glad it is over, too much work and not enough chilling time.
Sometimes I sort of forget that I am property, not in a way that means I think I am vanilla, just that it is so much of my everyday life that the tag just doesn't really register. Then suddenly I think about it and it makes me focus on it more. Today was one such day. Probably because MT has been unwell I have not given it a lot of thought lately. As there are signs of her appearing again, it seems to have re-sparked my awareness.
After work I looked in the mirror and realised I had not been keeping my body shaved as well as I normally do. In fact a couple of areas had remained unshaven for a while, areas which I am normally required to maintain. So obviously, being aware of my slippage, I started to put things back to how they should be. It is funny how a simple thing like this not only reminds me I am property but also gives me this deep sense of being owned. As I shaved, it even made me take a few deeper breaths, I take deeper breaths sometimes when MT is using me or humiliating me. It is as though I suddenly need more air, not in a bad way, just that I need to catch my breath.
In many ways I feel sort of resentful that my slavery can not be totally transparent. I feel I should be totally visible as MT's property at all times. I suppose I personally relate more to an ancient slave than any other type. I sometimes crave that MT could lead me around chained and naked whenever and wherever she wanted. I know I would be mortified by this, but somehow I feel that it is the way I should be. I love our life together, but can't help but feel we are living our lives in a way we were not meant to.
I expect, to many this may sound like so many fantasies that people have. But I do not feel it as a fantasy, it feels more like that I have been sort of cheated out of the life we could have had. I know a life like that would be harsh and perhaps it might have even broken me, probably would have, but it just feels like it is the way it should have been.
MT has said on several occasions she would love us to have a time together alone in a remote location where she could really treat me as she wants. To totally break me down. She has told me some of what she wants and even though I know her very well I was quite suprised at the depths she wants to take me. I actually felt a certain amount of fear yet I also felt a certain degree of disappointment that we can not actually do it yet. I really have become a strange creature.
I know exactly what you mean. I'd hate to have existed any time before high speed broadband, i think it's a pretty amazing time we live in, but to have been a roman slave or something. I mean yeah it would have sucked i'm sure, but then if you belonged to a good family and you served them well it might not have been that awful. but yeah it does just feel like it's what i was supposed to be as if i was just born in the wrong place, the wrong time. A collar just felt so right from the very first moment i put it on, sitting on the floor, sleeping on the floor, kneeling at my Owner's feet, it all just always felt entirely natural. It's like being vanilla is role play, and understated slavery feels like such a cheap facsimile sometimes, like you go to a restaurant and not only can you not be on the floor, but i feel like really i ought to be like tied up in the stables or something.
ReplyDeleteIt would be, ok not fun, let's say... an experience, to have just 2 or 3 weeks, away somewhere, just to really live how you ought to live.
I guess maybe that's some of the appeal of Gor.
Hi N,
ReplyDeleteYou have written about how you feel that you are owned and that there's no way out of your status as slave property. I think that nagging sense of imperfection is coded deep in the human condition. "If" or better yet "If Only" is a great way to put it.
I think if you'll reflect carefully you'll find moments - highs, if you will - where you have that perfect sense of being property. It's just that nothing is perfect. I think that's what gives us direction and goals to work toward. Part of what makes it worth plodding on, don't you think?
What could have been more perfect than saving that little girl? There's more facets to our lives than we realize at any given moment.
I feel the same sometimes. Frustrating, I know.
Best,
scott
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse