Another 'light bulb' moment

We had a great time in Cardiff, it really is a nice place to spend some time. It was fantastic having quality time with MT, I love spending time with her. Having some time just for the two of us is very special, it is a pity time passed so quickly.

Unfortunately I put on nearly 5 pounds, so I am back on the very low carb diet today.I don't mind the diet actually, I have sort of adapted to that way of eating. The low carb eating will probably become my normal eating pattern with an occasional lapse into the eating of the carbs I love so much.

Changing the subject completely, I have started to identify something about me that I have mixed feelings about.

I have prior to being owned always been an exceptionally independent person. To some extent, even though I have been owned for nearly 5 years I have often still felt that I am not dependent upon anyone, including MT.. This did not concern me in the slightest because it was what I was used to.

I am unsure when this independence feeling started to wane, but I have suddenly realised it has. I have increasingly started to feel more dependent ie wanting/needing to be with MT more and thus wanting to spend less time without her.

I have noticed I have become a little resentful of not being able to be with her due predominantly to having to go work.It feels like I am missing out and I do not like it.

On one hand, I feel very happy that obviously my slavery to MT has become even deeper. My desires to please her and make her happy have also become stronger as time has passed. This enhanced state of feeling 'I need to be with her' is a lovely feeling, but it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable at the same time.

Feeling like I 'need' to be with her so much makes me feel sort of insecure. It makes me feel vulnerable and I find that unnerving. In past relationships I have never felt I needed to be with that person, often, I also knew I would only be with them for a finite period, because that was what I wanted. So feeling I need to be with MT is a new feeling and is quite uncomfortable.

I have never felt any fear of a relationship ending before. I have never felt a relationship to be that important. Nor have I ever worried about all the 'what ifs' eg what if they get bored with me, find someone else, get someone else to be a big part in their life etc etc.

I want to make it very clear that our relationship is totally solid and this feeling is not as a result of some drama/problem/issue that has occurred or is occurring.

It is just my sudden and unexpected realisation that I have slipped further into being enslaved.The feeling brings me great happiness and a sense of achievement....but it also scares the hell out of me at the same time.