Today was a fairly normal day, apart from the fact that MT and I actually managed to spend 3 hours together as I had a job cancelled. It was really nice to spend some quality time together, of course most of this was spent in the prone position, no change there then.
MT is suffering quite a lot from her RA at the moment, her joints in her knees and hips are particularly troublesome.
On Friday we are venturing out to a club again. The trepidation is already beginning to mount, same venue as last time, so one can expect more pain and humiliation. The drive home is always so uncomfortable, I must remember to ask permission to get a soft cushion.
I have not had very much physical use recently as the recipient, because MT has been in too much pain. It is always a strange period when this happens. In some ways I feel the relief of not having to take all the painful stuff and of course the humiliation. On the other hand, I miss it and crave it, which I still find difficult to comprehend.
I have learned to accept this is how I am, but it still puzzles me. It puzzles me so much, because the only thing I really get out of her sadism in a direct positive way is the pleasure of making her happy by taking whatever she dishes out.Perhaps I have moved along my path of slavery further than I thought, where I really am learning to focus entirely on her needs.
I'd posit the theory that it's part of your internal enslavement a.k.a. consensual stockholm syndrome. Even tho you don't physically enjoy it, her torturing / (ab)using you is one of the main ways she shows her affection for you. If you don't get it for a while you're likely to subconsciously begin to feel unloved, unwanted etc. making you eventually crave it, even if all the while on the surface you know that everything is ok.
ReplyDeleteSam <3