Foibles

Being property is always exciting for me because I never really know what is going to happen next. Quite a similarity really with my career in the fire service, one minute you are doing one thing, then all of a sudden you have to do something completely different. I like this aspect, routines tend to bore me, though for practical reasons I often create them myself.

So when for example, I am sitting in the chair and MT says something like, 'go into the bedroom and strip' it keeps me on my toes. I never know what lies ahead, unless I have bee pre-warned of some 'impending fate' which is often worse as I get time to contemplate the 'evil deed' beforehand. I often feel split about whether it is best to have things sprung upon me without warning or be told in advance, both have their pluses and minuses. Thinking about it, I often get more of a humiliation hit if I am given advance warning. I sometimes find I have a very strange reaction if I am told in advance that something is to happen and then it does not. This usually happens due to unforeseen ill health, otherwise MT usually keeps to her schedules. When it happens, although I feel a certain amount of relief, I also feel some disappointment and sometimes even some resentment. I think the resentment comes from all of the inner battles I give myself prior to the event. Coming to terms with having to meet a new challenge or one that I have had before but struggled with. I suppose I psyche myself up for it. When it gets cancelled/ postponed all that adrenalin etc seems to well up inside me and sometimes pours out in annoyance/frustration. I really am a strange little human.

I often muse over my little foibles, things like :-

• I do not like pain, but miss it when I do not get it for a prolonged period, even to the point where without it I now feel slightly less loved.

• I used to hate service, but do it more than anything else nowadays and have sort of grown used to it, most of the time.

• I hate being controlled and being told what to do, but feel neglected when I don't, well sometimes anyway.

• I hate humiliation, but know deep down it is good for my humility.

• I now, finally, prefer to be dominated rather than to dominate, well, apart from the odd little occasions.

• I have developed a ridiculous level of dislike to having canes used on me, yet they are always my own preferred choice of weapon, I mean tool :)

• If there is any bdsm scene on telly I find it quite titillating, I never used to as a dom.

• Watching people on movies, TV programmes featuring ancient slaves (mainly Roman and Greek periods) I feel a sort of jealousy that I am not one of them, even though I know I would have hated the reality of it.

• I occasionally get frustrated by not being able to live our relationship openly. I would like everything to be totally open and to be publicly treated as MT's property in all of the facets, again, even though I would probably really not like the reality.

There are many other things, but it would take eons to explain them all.