Why I can't leave.

I apologise in advance that some of you will have probably read this thread on the O/p group, if so you may wish to stop reading now. 

There are of course some readers who may not have read the post and it is a subject which is not only important to me, but one that many people often either do not understand or simply do not believe as being real/ true. I also get a lot of people memoing me as the result of this post.

In many relationships, when things go wrong people just call it a day and go their separate ways. In the world of O/p, for many people, leaving is not an option. 

I wrote the following thread to explain my own particular reasons ' Why I can't leave' .

Thread :-

Firstly, I wish to categorically state this is not an attempt to convey any 'truism', these are my thoughts about the subject and I will hopefully try to explain ' why I can't leave' from a personal perspective. It is also most definitely not intended to convey any attitude of 'I am more a slave than you are' or anything similar (all else apart, I'd lose) ;)

Internal Enslavement (IE) and External Enslavement (EE) are subjects in their own right and their theoretical discussion is not the intended purpose of this thread. One of their common outcomes, a slave’s inability to leave the relationship, is however.

There are many schools of thoughts on this subject, but I have not been able to find any substantial validated research which provides a definitive conclusion. So it seems like an ideal subject to discuss here.

The 'I cant leave' statement attracts a range of responses, from outright ridicule, right along the spectrum to complete identification. I found that the best way for me to engage with this subject was to discuss my own experiences from my own perspective, in the hope that others will add their own experiences and thoughts. To that end this is a long, personally referenced OP, but it is designed to ask you to share your experiences.

Prior to becoming MT's property, I obviously gave the matter very serious thought. I did not want roleplay, I did not want to just 'feel' I was owned, I wanted to actually see if I could be owned. I wanted to experience a state of being where I became enslaved, I perhaps wanted to attain 'pure IE'. But I genuinely wondered if it was possible, especially with my dominant history and the fact I had never consciously wanted to be a slave prior to meeting MT.

I find submission and thus slavery very difficult at times, it has been far more demanding/ difficult for me than it ever was to be ‘a’ dominant so while I never expected it to be easy, it has been far more difficult than I had expected by a considerable degree. During the kicking and screaming and sulking etc there were many times I thought ' I cant do this anymore or I don’t want this anymore' there were times when to be totally honest I really thought I needed to get out of the relationship.

Over the years there has been considerable effort on both our parts and at times many upsets. At one time I felt that I had given it my best shot but could not continue and told MT this. The details are not relevant, the outcome, however, was, I just couldn’t leave and I will try to explain why :

Whilst I do love MT totally, I have never felt love alone is a reason to stay if other things are wrong in a relationship. The standard type of reasons people stay in relationships they wish to leave didn’t apply. For example,

It wasn’t because MT had me physically captive, it’s not her style and someone would have to be very extreme to keep me captive.

It wasn’t because there was nowhere to go, I had numerous options.

It wasn’t financial or otherwise practical, as I always survive, I have a history of surviving.

It wasn’t because I would feel a failure, I am a realist, sometimes things just don’t work out

It wasn’t because I could not finish relationships, I do not shy away from difficult things……

I could not leave because whilst I would physically survive, I belong to her to the extent that my life would have no longer have meaning or purpose without her. Without realising it, I had developed a new identity, I had evolved into her slave, a person whose sole purpose is to serve their owner, to put my own needs/ wants etc aside for the benefit of my owner. I could not leave because the essence of my self was now as my owner’s property.

For the first time in my life, I felt that nothing else really mattered than being with my owner, even though at times I had been unhappy. I realised I could not leave, I would have to stay, this was where I belonged.

By realising I could not actually leave it made me focus more on the reasons I was unhappy, and when i actually analysed it quickly became apparent that these they were to do with me and not my owner, they were me subconsciously fighting against my slavery, for me they were part of my reactance to my own IE.

Focusing on my owners needs as the primary driver for my actions and thought processes has created a sense of myself not existing as a separate person, but existing as an (integral or extension part) of my Owner. This integration, therefore, means that even if I physically left, my psychological linking would still be in place. Thus, physical removal of myself would be futile as the integration psychologically created by my submission cannot be broken as it has become embedded into my psyche and can not be reversed.

The above is the best way I can explain how it is for me,but it doesn't seem to do do it justice somehow.

Cynics will probably still say ' well you could leave if you really wanted to ' and that's fine it's a free world, but then we all know that's not exactly true.