Trying to be better

Seems like ages since I wrote here. At long last the pains in my head have subsided to a level which allows me to think more easily. The antibiotics have been partially effective, but I need to see the Doctor again tomorrow to get antibiotics specifically for sinus infections.

It has been hard for MT these last few weeks as she is still very unwell and I have been miserable /stressy/ difficult / not a good slave etc.

Now my head is not feeling like it is going to explode I am starting to feel more like my old self. I have obviously pissed MT off with my attitude although she is aware and understands I was unwell, but also rightly knows I could have behaved better. I am disappointed with how I have been behaving, so I am trying to make up for it now. It will take some time and a lot of grovelling but I will do my best.

I want to feel my 'eureka' feeling again, I know I can get it back, hopefully it will be easier when I feel better. I am just as committed as ever, it is just hard at the moment to focus on being a good slave when I have been in so much pain and more relevantly when I have been so stressed.

Having to try to still go to work and do all the other things that need doing is hard when you feel crap. It is even worse when you know no work equals no money as you push yourself much harder, then you run yourself into the ground and are fit for nothing. That difficult thing called 'balance' is sometimes hard to attain.

The current plan is to keep work to 6 hours per day maximum. Focus much more on being a desirable property by being more attentive to MT and provide her with some good service and as many orgasms as possible.

I had to take a couple of days break from here due to feeling so crap. My head just could not function properly (no change there then). The antibiotics are having a slight impact but basically it feels like my head is going to burst and focussing on anything is almost impossible. I have this bizarre aversion to sound as well, just the slightest of noises feel like they are ripping my head open.

MT is being great as usual but it is hard for normal life to continue with both of us being unwell, where are those bloody slaves when you need them ? Joking aside, I have been very unslavelike in my behaviour this last week or so. I have tried hard but somehow have just felt sort of disconnected from  myself  which in turn has made me unconnected to MT which is not good.

I am going to focus much harder on getting back to normal, I know the impetus must come from me and it is down to me to be the slave MT wants me to be. I can be a surly and miserable fucker sometimes, I know that, but I just can't seem to help it even though I do try very hard. I want to feel back where I belong and I need to get there asap, perhaps I should just put my ass up at bedtime.

Light Duties

MT let me go back to work today, she was very reluctant but knew I would stress a lot if the backlog gets too much. I had to promise to take it easier than I usually do, which I did. I cancelled one job which meant I only had to do 6 hours which was better.

I am officially on 'slave light duties' there are many must do's and many must not do's. I am not sure of all the rules yet but I am sure I will be left in no doubt when I forget.

It seems, so far, that light duties mean the nerve endings will not be screaming out, so that sound good, but I am disappointed for MT she does like to hear her property scream. I am sure she will make up for it when I am better.

MT has been spoiling me, so I am enjoying my sickness as far as one can of course. The concept of reducing my stress levels is a very sound one and MT has gone out of her way to reduce potential threats to this end. BUT...........without meaning to she gave me a massive stress reaction. I returned from work to find the bedroom door locked, as it can only be locked from the inside I knew MT was in there. I knocked on the door, nothing, I knocked and then called out, nothing. I continued this , adding volume to both the knocking and the calling until I raised the effort up to almost door busting knocks. Just before I was about to kick the door open MT responded.....she had been lying in bed with her headphones on. I really thought that she must have been unconscious or worse to have not heard my earlier attempts. So my heart was racing like a lunatics and must have done my high blood pressure no end of good.

MT, a sadist through and through.

Famine

Being owned has many pluses and some minuses, some days it even feels the other way round :).

Today MT forced me to the doctors, at one stage she was even talking about taking me into the doctors. Anyway, as I suspected I have a sinus infection, also it appears polyps have re-formed in my nasal passages, they were surgically removed from my nose and sinuses two years ago. Just to add some more fun, it seems a lot of the pain in my head is down to my cluster headaches which I was first diagnosed with two years ago. And...I have very high blood pressure, which they say may be due to my infection, so I have to have another blood pressure check in 4 weeks time.

On return home, the Spanish inquisition, I mean MT, asked how I got on. It was really nice to see how concerned she was and then came the ' owner/doctor/healthcare' instructions. First was a chat about my work and something to do with overdoing it. Then came the very serious stuff.......there was talk of coffee limits, red meat removal/limits, chocolate famine and and and no alcohol OMG. Last but by no means least, the restriction of salt on my meals or should I say meals with my salt.

It all sounds so depressing on the food and drink front. So,  I must relax more and not get stressed, relax without coffee ? not get stressed when I can't eat red meat most days and what about the choccy and alcohol, Hmmmmmm no one mentioned recreational drugs ;).

MT has been wonderful, being owned by her is wonderful, days like today remind me just what a lucky slave I am.

Focusing.

The weather today has been really nice, so it has been an extra pain that I was feeling ill again. I went to work this morning but had to throw a sickie this afternoon. So MT kindly phoned my customers for me. It is a pity she can't say 'sorry but my slave is unwell today and won't be coming to work for you, what little use he can be today will be used by his owner'. Can you just imagine what nice old ladies in their eighties and nineties would make of that?

Moving on to more serious things, although I am feeling decidedly unwell/ stressed/ tired etc, I am making a conscious effort to focus more on my behaviour. Whenever my service/ attitude wane it is never a conscious thing, it just sort of creeps in and then won't creep out again. It is like a slow submersion into a dark place, before I know it I become totally engulfed. A fully fit MT usually drags me out of it pretty quickly, often painfully. Even though she is still unwell she has provided additional encouragement and this is ongoing.

I do not like it when I lose focus, it unsettles me and obviously it pisses MT off which I like even less. I never mean to be a bad slave or unworthy property. The emphasis should come from me all the time to maintain what MT requires, I just fall well short of this sometimes. Pressure/ stress of certain kinds really gets to me, I know I have mentioned this on numerous occasions but it really is what leads me into so much trouble.

Sometimes I lie in bed feeling so stressed it feels like nothing in my life is right, but when I try to think of exactly what I am stressed about I can not think of one single thing. Even when I try to think logically and go through things systematically eg relationship, money, work etc I still end up with no specific issue. I guess I must just be a stressy person.

Tongues are for talking FFS

Following on from the subject of a certain person not being very perfectly slavelike lately, MT has been providing the slave with some attention.Some people crave 'attention' but it does depend on the type of attention one likes, or perhaps more importantly the types one doesn't like.

Now I admit, the eyebrows were a little bushy. I will also admit, I had wrongly assumed I could just go ahead and have a cream bun. So I have acknowledged my heinous crimes, and of course I knew there would be some price to pay.

First a little bit of relevant history. A long time ago an owner decided her slave was a little too self opinionated had a high opinion of himself and needed some humility training. A large variety of initiatives were implemented and these were generally speaking, more than just a little disliked by the slave in question.

A particular humiliating act was introduced for a while. Even typing this is very difficult, but, in the interests of honesty and full disclosure... MT decided, it would be 'good for my humility' if I were to lick and tongue her arse regularly, knowing that I had never done this before. Therefore, this became a routine requirement and guess what? The slave did feel very humiliated and degraded at being used in this way. This act, was then relegated to whenever the mood took her, although there have been a couple of occasions where I had to do it to someone other than MT. The last time was to prepare a girls arse for MT's use.

This week, this act has been re-introduced as a routine occurrence, and I was instructed to offer this service daily. Having successfully completed my first day, I then failed to offer appropriately for two consecutive days..... this morning my lack of compliance was 'discussed'. Of course I instantly provided the required service, but the damage had been done. I have been advised that should it be deemed 'necessary' I may possibly be given the task of providing this service to a man of MT's choosing as a 'focusing aid' ... 'Yuk' seriously does not do the thought justice.

So, I had better get my slave head back on and focused pretty damn quick or life will become very tricky. MT's recovery phase could be said to be progressing quite well, from her point of view. The slave in question is suddenly being put back into his place and needs to get there very speedily. I'm focusing....

Eyebrows maketh the man.....apparently.

Two days in a row off work, it has been really nice. A chance to spend some time with MT and to watch some sport on TV.

Today we went to Kings Lynn which made a nice change. Having not been in very good slave mode lately I compounded things unwittingly when I informed MT I was having a cream filled belgium bun with my coffee. I was instantly reminded that cake was a privilege and that I must not assume I could have one. So, I made my request and was allowed a cream bun.....excellent. This slave stuff can be quite easy really.

During the journey to Kings Lynn I was informed by MT that the state of my eyebrows was an indicator I had not been an attentive slave recently. I asked why, she replied that they were not neat and tidy, they had not been plucked nor had they been trimmed. A lecture, I mean discussion followed, relating to the fact that such drops in standard were noted when I was not being a good slave. Owners ! they really can be picky can'y they.

On our return journey we stopped at a pub and had lunch which was nice.

The car passed it's MOT today which was good.

MT is still not well but her recovery is going well and the bossyness is definately back in full force and physical use is becoming a little more regular, it really does appear that the end of the 'holiday' is not far away............best get those eyebrows sorted quick then.

Limbo

As the astute may have noticed from my blog I have not been myself lately. I am still feeling under the weather and as usual fairly tired. The main area however, has been my difficulties as property. When MT is ill my role is quite defined, there is plenty to do and I am very 'actively slaving'. The lack of physical sexual usage and humiliation is missed, but not that much as I am usually so busy/ preoccupied with MT and doing what needs to be done.

A the moment, MT is in a recovery phase, she is still unwell but is getting better. During this phase, there is not so much to do in some areas, while there are still a great many in others. Whilst there has been some sporadic physical sexual use and humiliation we are far from where we usually are. So, it is a bit like being in limbo, not busy enough to keep my mind off the depleted physical side of our relationship but overly busy enough to feel stressed.

I started the 'physicality' thread on the O/p board because I was interested how other slaves would feel if  their physical usage was taken away from them and how this might affect them and their O/p relationship.

In my case, if I am not being actively physically used in certain ways I start to feel adrift, sort of lost, a slave without portfolio. I begin to feel a bit more independent, I get irritable and somewhat argumentative. I realise I am doing it but in general find it hard to stop myself. Of course, I understand this is not acceptable, but it just sort of happens.

I think that as we are all individuals we have different drivers, different things motivate us and conversely different things demoralise/ demotivate us.

I have often thought that maybe slaves could be categorised by their main drivers eg service slaves, pleasure slaves, worker slaves etc and as an additional complication, there are those who positively give everything willingly to their owner and then perhaps those who require 'encouragement'. I would definitely fit into the latter category, although when I have been very 'motivated' by MT I then tend to enter the 'willing' group and require little or no external motivation.

I realise, that having been in O/p for nearly five years now, that 'according to the true slave/ property manual' I should not be feeling like this. I happen to be a cynic and do not believe in fairy tale romances, nor do I believe that people in real O/p relationships have never had issues or never do have them.

I may be deluding myself that to have issues/ problems etc is perfectly normal in such a different type relationship, but if I am, then I would be more than a little suprised. All I can ever really say, is how I feel, what I see and what I think, of course it could all be a total load of bollocks, but at least it is my bollocks.

Age

It has been quite a long week. I am still not feeling too good, so as it has been about a month now I might go to doctors next week if I am not feeling any better. Still feeling tender from the other nights activity.

Unfortunately, I have to work tomorrow which is a bit of a bitch and it is going to be hard physical work, yuk.

Still, I have Sunday and Monday off so that is good.

One of my customers is really struggling at the moment, her husband has severe dementia and she needs respite but is having difficulty trying to arrange it. Today he smothered himself in shaving foam just after she had dressed him in clean clothes. It is sad to see how much she is struggling and not being able to really help. I have offered to try to get some advice if her contact with social services does not work out. Another customer is having a shoulder replacement next Tuesday and another customer was buried last week. It is such a joyful working environment !

On the plus side, I get to work for some fantastic old people. It is so great to hear some of their life stories. When I look at them, they look so old and frail, it seems hard to believe they were once young and led such fascinating and active lives. I do not find it very comforting that maybe one day someone will look at me and think the same things. Unless you die beforehand, old age is inevitable, it is not something I look forward to though, but then I suppose no one does. Just being so close and involved with it most days just makes it that little bit more real.

First installment

Yesterday, MT had told me to make sure the strap on was ready for bedtime. A sensible slave might have made a note to remind him about this instruction, there again, I am not a sensible slave... as is demonstrated on a regular basis.

Prior to bedtime MT looked distinctly unwell and, to be honest, I thought it was going to be an easy night. Once in bed, things were still looking good, until..........MT reminded me that I had failed to get the strap on ready. My heart sank, well it sank but pounded hard as well. I thought 'fucking shit' but of course it was too late.

I was given the 'option' to get it there and then or wait until tomorrow, there was also some mention of not being allowed an orgasm until I got fucked - the strap on was brought out of retirement.

I will spare full details, suffice to say I was unceremoniously fucked senseless, repeatedly humiliated, made to humiliate myself and ended up a very used, very sore, split and bruised and contrite slave.

So today has been a sore one, work was of course busy and there was plenty of driving and then the food shop.

Returning to physical use is always hard on so many fronts. I often feel the physical effects for many days and the psychological element of never knowing when MT is going to strike next all adds together to make a nervous time.

Prices to pay.

Although MT is still unwell she decided to give the errant slave some use this morning. Not suprisingly due to the slaves recent poor behaviour, he was dealt with quite unceremoniously. Having offered his services to 'pleasure' his owner he was re-acquainted with his dear friend njoy. Then private parts were bound up and repeatedly painfully yanked, much to the amusement of MT before being packed off to work.

Of course, one can not be suprised by this as the slave had behaved badly, in fact he was let off quite lightly, but then he is not stupid or naive and knows that there will be more to come. A betting person might gamble a reasonable amount that the silly boy will deeply regret his behaviour. I understand, he is already very sorry for his behaviour, but knows his remorse will be nothing compared to the price he will no doubt have to pay.

I do not feel sorry for him, he deserves to be reminded of his place and what his purpose is. I hope MT does not over exert herself as she is still unwell. They say 'revenge is a dish best served cold,' perhaps the same applies to reprimands?.

I wish the slave good luck and hope he will make a full recovery following his remedial attention.

Firstly, I want to apologise to MT for not being a very good slave over the last four or five days. There have been a lot of reasons for this and we have had some discussions and no doubt more will follow.

In short, stress, not feeling well, work and MT being unwell have taken their toll on me. I let things get on top of me and lost sight of my purpose and priorities. I got sidetracked with my own wants and in some ways was feeling a little sorry for myself.

The journey of O/p never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it feels really hard, sometimes so very right, sometimes just normal, other times just impossible. Just when I think I have it cracked something happens in me that kicks my feet from underneath me and I end up on my backside. Sometimes the getting back up is easy, sometimes I feel I just do not have the energy.

Just like any type of relationship, it has it's highs and it's lows, just like life itself tends to. And that I suppose is the relevant part, it is my life, warts and all. Even when I feel despair, even when I act totally against my property status I still always know I am owned.

I am committed to this relationship, and no matter how tough it gets will never ask for an out.

Lazy day

Another lazy day, well fairly lazy. We went to Ely and mooched around for a while. It was a really nice sunny day, quite chilly but good for this time of year. We had lunch out and just generally browsed around the shops. Then it was off to the supermarket to do the first of the two a week shops. I find food shopping so boring, especially when I am still trying to watch my weight, which has unfortunately gone up a few pounds over the last couple of months. I keep putting off the inevitable stricter diet but it will have to be soon.

Monday is usually my gym day, but for the third week in a row I did not go as I still do not feel well enough. When I do get back to it, it will feel like starting from scratch again. I will probably have to reduce the weight by at least 10 Kg for some exercise and maybe more for others.Of course it is not that crucial but I do find it much harder these days, my motivation is sometimes lacking. The amount of effort required for the outcome sometimes seems just too much.

This week is a hard one workwise, some tricky jobs and some which are quite strenuous.As my back is pesky I expect the painkillers will get a bit of a hammering.

First day off is Sunday, I miss retirement.

Wet Weekend

After a very hard week it has been nice to not being working at the weekend. We made a quick visit to Norwich    yesterday, which for those that do not know is a nice smallish city in Norfolk. The weather was nice so it made a nice change to have some free time. Returning home I watched my favourite football team get knocked out of the cup by my most disliked team, Manchester United....Grrrr.

After a one and a half hour mountain bike ride in the rain today, I am now sitting down watching England v Scotland  playing rugby, even score at 9 point each.

Busy week next week, still seem to have this f..ing virus but at least it is something which has not stopped me from being able to work, so that's good.

MT is continuing to make slow progress so that is good.

Tongue in cheek(s)

Every now and again I find O/p tricky, I especially find it tricky right about ......today actually. For a few months now, MT has been unwell and understandably and appropriately our dynamic has been more relaxed. Of course I have still actively been her property but have had a much more free time than usual.

When your owner is feeling shit and is asleep in bed you are not likely to want to wake them to ask for a privilege such as a chocolate, TV or anything else rather trivial.

So things have been quite relaxed. I suppose I have become a bit complacent, but then that's human nature I suppose, well it is in my case. Give an inch and I am more than capable of taking a mile, not good slave behaviour but about par for the course for me. Also, part of our life includes some physical use, this has also been significantly reduced in recent months.

So....MT is starting to feel a little better...and guess what ? she is starting to be pesky again. You know, expecting me to behave myself and be a good boy. Now I do understand the principle of all this, but it doesn't stop it from being a bit of an inconvenience. Today I even got scratched and a face slap.

Five years ago, massive trauma of going from dom to slave, nearly 5 long, hard years adjusting and in the end , getting used to it. Having got used to it, then MT becomes unwell and some degree of autonomy returns, albeit still being aware one is owned. Start to get used to this little bit of freedom and then....it starts to get taken back again.

Back to being actively told what to do or not do, back to punishments for bad behaviour, threats of removal of things etc. It really is tooooo much. Now I am expected, like a bolt out of the blue to be well behaved like instantly. I need to be re-trained, I need a refresher course, time for re-alignment etc.

I wonder if I will get it ? I expect I will get something.

I knew I hadn't thrown that frisbee / flying ring hard enough.

'If' again.

When I read Scott's comment on last nights blog I realised my blog might have sounded like I was not content with our O/p relationship, which is not the case. I suppose I am a person who is often looking at having the best I can have and in that context then I suppose I often sound discontented, (or indeed actually am discontented with some things in life). I would just would like some things to be different.

When I first entered our O/p, although we went out on the scene very openly I really had no desire to be 'visible' outside of that. As time has passed and I have become further immersed in being property and my thoughts have changed. I dislike having to live in a hidden way that sometimes feels unnatural.

I do not know when the transition occurred, the point where being owned became my 'natural' state. I sometimes feel I am acting out a role as a 'vanilla' person to the rest of the world. I understand I can't walk down the street on a leash with MT, with exposed whip marks or bleeding carvings showing for example, but it feels as though I should be able to.

In general terms, I suppose we are quite lucky that society tends to leave us pretty well alone, but I can't help but think that is not enough. I guess I never really understood before how people in minority groups have felt when society either passively or aggressively treats them negatively. I never realised how not being able to actually openly 'be' who and what you are felt like. Now I feel it, and sometimes I resent it.

Of course we could just be more open than we are, but it would not always be sensible. Living in a 'free society' is so laughable on so many levels.

This is simply 'if....' , or 'if only....' as Scott said, but I know I have to be strive to be content with what we can do. I do not like that sometimes, there are many things I don't like, but probably none more than this one.

If....

Today was mega busy so I am glad it is over, too much work and not enough chilling time.

Sometimes I sort of forget that I am property, not in a way that means I think I am vanilla, just that it is so much of my everyday life that the tag just doesn't really register. Then suddenly I think about it and it makes me focus on it more. Today was one such day. Probably because MT has been unwell I have not given it a lot of thought lately. As there are signs of her appearing again, it seems to have re-sparked my awareness.

After work I looked in the mirror and realised I had not been keeping my body shaved as well as I normally do. In fact a couple of areas had remained unshaven for a while, areas which I am normally required to maintain. So obviously, being aware of my slippage, I started to put things back to how they should be. It is funny how a simple thing like this not only reminds me I am property but also gives me this deep sense of being owned. As I shaved, it even made me take a few deeper breaths, I take deeper breaths sometimes when MT is using me or humiliating me. It is as though I suddenly need more air, not in a bad way, just that I need to catch my breath.

In many ways I feel sort of resentful that my slavery can not be totally transparent. I feel I should be totally visible as MT's property at all times. I suppose I personally relate more to an ancient slave than any other type. I sometimes crave that MT could lead me around chained and naked whenever and wherever she wanted. I know I would be mortified by this, but somehow I feel that it is the way I should be. I love our life together, but can't help but feel we are living our lives in a way we were not meant to.

I expect, to many this may sound like so many fantasies that people have. But I do not feel it as a fantasy, it feels more like that I have been sort of cheated out of the life we could have had. I know a life like that would be harsh and perhaps it might have even broken me, probably would have, but it just feels like it is the way it should have been.

MT has said on several occasions she would love us to have a time together alone in a remote location where she could really treat me as she wants. To totally break me down. She has told me some of what she wants and even though I know her very well I was quite suprised at the depths she wants to take me. I actually felt a certain amount of fear yet I also felt a  certain degree of disappointment that we can not actually do it yet. I really have become a strange creature.

I must not throw

Still not feeling on top form but a bit better. MT is continuing with minor improvements so that is good. Had a pretty lazy day today, did some food shopping and some household tasks. Cati and I went for a ride, damn she's hot, weather was cold but very sunny. Riding my bike gives me such a buzz, the speed, the sound and the leaning over round the bends, it really does brighten my day.

As for kink, well MT's friend is staying with us so we have had to be conscious about noise so it has been sleep only. A chance for the sore area to heal, thank god.

We did got to the river and forest late afternoonfor a walk which was nice. Unfortunately, I threw a flying ring, similar to a frisbee, in MT's direction, I shouted a warning but as she turned it hit her on the cheek (face cheek not buttocks). She was very good about it...but one guesses one might not have heard the last about it. Would it be possible to fit a hole frizbee into a persons rectum ? I hope not, but I am confident MT would give it a bloody good try.

Chicken bones and now a frizbee, perhaps I should just not throw anything anymore, I shall meditate on that.

Return to duty

Thankfully a less busy day. This morning I was re-acquainted with my dear old friend ' the strap-on' .I had forgotten just how humiliating it is, how painful and uncomfortable and also how much it reminds me I am owned. MT is still unwell but managed a stirring performance, unfortunately. It seems her 'urges' are slowly returning, Oh Dear.

We have a friend staying with us for a few days, unfortunately him and his boyfriend have just split up and he is having a bit of a break for a few days.

I find it really hard after a break from being actively used, but it seems ' the return to normal service' is imminent. Whenever this happens, historically I have a certain amount of reactance. I dislike this, because I really do try to be a good slave, but sometimes I just can't help it, try as I might. My defence always goes along the lines of something like ' well you can't just expect everything to go back to how it was before just like that ' . Of course she does just expect that and it is my job to comply, so I will try my best.

From this morning's discussions, it would appear MT is going to taunt me with some new things. I have to say, I am not looking forward to this new direction and 'NO' I do not want to discuss it, thank you ! But MT did say when the time comes she will instruct me to blog about it, so I guess you will find out anyway. Meanwhile I am hoping it was ' wank ' talk and will stay firmly on the pillow and not become another harsh reality.

Starting Out

Although today has been work free it has been quite a busy day. As the little one was at school yesterday for her birthday we took her out today for her birthday treat. We took her to a small seaside town called Hunstanton for a trip to the Sea Life Centre . It is a place she really loves so she had a good time with MT and sister. I meannwhile, after an hours drive did not feel like going round the centre for three hours. Also, having seen most of the inhabitants in their natural environment during my travelling days, I do actually believe they should be free and living in the sea rather than poxy tanks.

So I opted out and went for a walk in the English rain instead. It was also very cold, so not feeling well anyway, it was quite a hard three hours. I can only drink so much coffee but at least it was nice to be somewhere different, I certainly got a lot of 'fresh air', I will probably be suffering from pneumonia by the end of the week.

While walking along I thought of many things, as you do, but one thing made me smile and I thought I would share it here. It was when I was 19 years old and with only a years experience as a Firefighter. In the early hours of the morning, about 2-00am we arrived at a serious fire in a house. Two of the occupants , the parents were outside in the street screaming and shouting that their 13 year old daughter was still trapped in the house. The officer in charge ordered two of the other firefighters to put their breathing apparatus on. In those days it took about three minutes to do this. Against every procedure in the book, I was told to go in without breathing apparatus on my own and 'have a quick look' to see if I could find her, while the others were getting ready.

With a great deal of adrenalin and fear, I took a big gulp of fresh air and went in. At that time of night one would expect everyone would have been in bed, so first job was to locate the stairs. It was so thick with smoke I was choking, it was also fucking hot. I had never been inside a fire on my own before (it was against every rule) so it was not suprising I was terrified. I kept trying to focus on my training, basic things like keeping low below the heat and smoke and feeling my way around.Of course the 'manual' actually did not cover going in without breathing apparatus, apart from that 'one' time in training when they send you into a fire in a controlled environment to let you feel the effects of smoke, gases and heat on you, I remember how shit that had been then.

By the time I had got to the top of the stairs my lungs felt as though they were going to burst, I started gulping in smoke and hot gases and knew I could not last long like this. I dodged into a bedroom, and opened a wndow (not good practice normally) and gulped air like I had never gulped before, it felt so fucking good. I knew I needed to search the bedrooms, but knew I would need some more air. There was no-one in the bedroom, by this time I needed more air so it was head back out the window to take a huge breath to get to the next bedroom.

As I sort of lunged across the landing I hit something really hard on the floor with my right boot and went flying forward and landed on something bulky and soft, it was the girl. She was unconscious and although only 13 years old was quite heavy. I tried the text book method of lifting when you are on your own but I could not get her up properly. So I sort of draped her arm around the back of my neck, pulled down on her arm to keep her in place and sort of semi lifted, semi dragged her down the stairs and outside. At this point, the two other firefighters were ready to go in, typical.

The ambulance crew (no paramedics in those days) took her and put her straight on oxygen and then away to hospital where she made a full recovery. I was given oxygen and there was no way I was going to let that mask go for a while. I still remember vividly how my eyes and nose were stinging and streaming, how sore and raw my throat and chest felt but of course none of that compares to how I felt about my first 'solo' rescue in a fire, which incidentally, was fortunately never repeated.

When I did let go of the oxygen it seemed like a dream, everyone was patting me on the back, head, wherever they could and telling me what a great job I had done. The parents came over and the look on their face said it all before they went into the ambulance with their daughter.

The funny thing about this and the main reason I started smiling today is this. The following day I phoned the hospital to find out how the girl was, they told me she was fine and would be kept in for just a couple of days and there would be no lasting damage. Her lungs were ok but she had a massive bruise on her rib cage which they could not understand how she got. I said nothing, but instantly knew it was where my size 10 boot had struck her....just before I had fallen on top of her. Neither did I confess my 'method' of finding her to my colleagues, I just took the praise and adulation.

I sort of feel bad some days about my deception, but then again, it does not really matter and I still feel very pleased I rescued her, but I also know if someone else had gone in instead of me she might not have been kicked in the ribs......see I was always into bdsm even if it was accidental.

Stress and being property

Work was fine today, nice bright sunny day and nice well behaved customers, excellent. Today is the little ones birthday, so it is tea party time soon, the healthy eating may have to take a break tonight.

It has been quite a while since any significant physical use by MT due to her being unwell. When it gets to this sort of duration I often start to get a bit stressy and in some ways start to feel a little less slavey. Not feeling well and being stressed by other things has exacerbated the situation.

I have been feeling quite snappy and in one of my  ' I need some chill out time ' spells. As MT is not feeling great either this is not going down too well, apparently I have been close to losing my sport watching on TV privileges. This would be quite disastrous as the motorcycle racing season has just got underway and of course there is lots of football as well.

I know MT finds these spells difficult, but so do I, I hate feeling like this. I feel like it has been ages since we have had a really good night out or done anything exciting. I haven't ridden Cati much and it feels a little bit like  'all work no play'. Which is not really inaccurate, but of course it has been unavoidable.

Living in an O/p relationship is often different to the fantasy that I am sure many people think we have. We know that 'real life' includes the same things as everyone else endures and 'real life' impacts upon O/p just like anything else does.

I suppose I have found it harder dealing with these interruptions than I did before being owned. I suppose there was an expectation that it would always be different from my previous life, that somehow the 'normal' stuff would somehow disappear/no longer be as important.When I think about it, in the early days before I grew accustomed to being owned,  the mundane side of life and the interruptions to activity were taken more in my stride as it was all so very new and I had a huge amount of adjustments to make.

Now that I am more used to my status, the 'normality' of being owned has become so natural that it feels just like everything else does. I do not know if that makes sense, I suppose what I am trying to say is, it no longer feels new or unconventional. It is everyday life, it is my normal, it no longer feels like something different.

In a way, I suppose I miss the excitement of the newness I used to feel, but enjoy the life I now have and feel settled in my slavery.

I am a fucking moaner

This week is taking it's toll on me so this is a pretty boring blog about an old man moaning (so situation normal then ).

I still seem to have some poxy virus, I have numerous aches and pains, my sinuses appear to have yet another infection and my cervical spondylosis is only outpained by my spondylosis in the lumber region. Get the drift ? feeling a little sorry for ones self today. Add a huge portion of tiredness bordering on exhaustion, loads of stress and money going out of the bank account at a rate that compares to a stone dropping down a well and one has a very discontented and grumpy slave.

MT bless her, is still far from well, the little one has a birthday tomorrow and I have yet another full day of heavy manual work to do.

The neighbour from hell is being twattier than usual and has been driving me fucking nuts with his constant, almost every day cutting of ceramic tiles on a circular tile cutter which is kindly positioned less than a metre from our fence just outside our summer house which is alongside our patio. So, spring and summer should be fun as it seems the shit has started manufacturing planters made from cut tiles. The hassle of either solicitors and/or Environmental Health looms ever closer, life is such a bed of fucking roses.

It is now 7-30 pm and little one's presents need to be wrapped, hopefully by 8 pm I can start to chill.

MT hates it when I am stressed as I tend to spread my stress to everyone within a very wide circle. But, as MT is unwell and due to the birthday I must make an extra effort.

This is when I find being owned so hard. The pre-owned model would go out and have a wild time to chase away the blues or suddenly take off to warmer climes overseas or go out and buy a super new toy, I er mean motorbike :). Yes it was not a very mature or responsible approach to stress......but it suited me and I miss it at times like this.

Ok, the world is a safer place without me outside on the rampage getting rid of my stresses and strains. It is also true, the money would be going out the bank at an even more alarming rate if I wasn't owned.And, of course I really don't actually need to replace Cati as she is still a fucking great ride.

So, for all the right reasons I shall try and be a good boy and not rant too much or do anything I should not do and wait out the 'stress and strain' period and wait until I feel all shiny and bright again.

MT's Birthday

Today's blog is just a short one as I want to spend as much time as possible with MT on her birthday.

MT opened her presents and cards in bed this morning and then I made her one of her favourite breakfasts, poached eggs on toast. We then went to a small town called Diss which is in Norfolk, where we wandered around for a while, had coffee and a leisurely lunch at one of MT's favourite vegetarian restaurants.

MT loved her cake, it was an iced sponge cake with an iced ballerina on the top level, she loved it which was very pleasing.

Although we went out, it took it's toll on her unfortunately and at one point she was decidedly unwell. After a rest she is looking much better, so I am relieved about that.

Not sure what tonight's plan is, probably a bit of slave service, well it is her birthday !

Female Supremacy continued...

We went to one event, which was a real treasure. It was actually supposed to be a birthday treat, it was really... special. For MT and I the weekend was filled with a mixture of great mirth,  total disbelief  and a degree of being really pissed off with some of the other 'Ladies'. Slaves were not permitted to use the soft furnishings, slaves were to bow their heads every time they came across a lady. Basically speaking, slaves were just about allowed to breathe. Fair enough if that is your thing. There was much mocking, the dreaded 'worm', 'maggot' and 'dirty boy' were used to a maximum. It was very cartoonish and very few of these women actually had a slave or even a submissive. In the evening there was a 'Court' where the naughty slaveboys were accused of various breaches and then made to undergo various punishments. I tried so hard not to laugh, but failed miserably. I was deemed to be lacking and disrespectful as a mere 'boy'.

On a number of occasions my 'bad behaviour' was reported to MT in deadly earnest tones. I had not kissed their feet when ordered. I had failed to bow to some random woman. I had not psychically known that one woman wanted chocolate and was thus 'a dirty filthy beast'. MT basically told them to fuck off in a very polite way at first, and not so politely towards the latter stages. Some might wonder why we went. Well, we simply thought it might be nice to spend a weekend with other people who were in a F/m dynamic and we hadn't been in that world.  Apart from one or two nice ones, the rest were what I would generously call a bunch of  bitter psychos or utterly delusional. Although we had joined this group by becoming members prior to the event we surprisingly never received notifications of any other events. After one woman hit me distinctly inappropriately MT was ready to rip her face off and we decided it was best we left early. It was a kindness really.

On another occasion at a club, a woman approached me in the bar area with a crop and was attempting to dominate me. I said I was with my owner and she threw a tantrum. Later on when MT and I were in the dungeon area she watched MT beating me. She was flitting in and out of the area trying to join in, and mocking me because I was being dealt with by MT 'for being a  bad boy'. MT was not amused as one can imagine. She continuously attempted to ingratiate herself to MT and wouldn't back off. She came too close to the action repeatedly and MT politely told her to not get too close. Unfortunately, she did not heed this and accidentally got hit on the backswing with the cane, such a shame.

Later in the bar area she grabbed my backside and then started trying to slap me believing this was now fine as she had seen MT hitting me. MT stopped her by grabbing her hand and firmly but politely told her I was not public property, I was her property. MT had a few words with her and she went off. Shortly after as a result MT's conversation she was found crying in the corridor near the toilets. It must be hard being so dominant.

There have been many other incidents and I have pissed off so many Femdom Mistresses I have lost count. The other humorous element has been the reaction of some male submissives/ slaves when they have seen me not comply to random Dommes commands. They stare in utter disbelief and you can almost see them flinch and cower. They look even more astounded if they see that a Domme has gone into complete meltdown because a mere man has disobeyed them and not fallen prostrate on the ground in front of them either vying for their attention for begging for mercy.

For those that enjoy it, it must be great, but for me, well, I guess I will have to pass on that... unless of course MT decides to really punish me.