Forest frolics

Yesterday MT's submissive girl Ava came to stay with us for a couple of days, MT has been in her element having two of us to fuss around her, service her needs and to use for her enjoyment. Today we went out into the forest and took some pictures. The photo above is one of many we took outside an old disused building.

I believe there are to be some more photos tonight plus MT is going to use the present I brought her which arrived today. She has wanted a Sjambok for ages, so I ordered one and it arrived today. MT had a couple of little test hits with it and I am truly going to regret purchasing it.

It has been great having Ava with us and it has been exceptionally erotic. I am looking forward to tonight, apart from the sjambok of course.

A submissive dominant or a dominant submissive ?

On the O/p group there is currently a discussion about naturally submissive people which I have found very interesting. So I thought I would blog about my experiences and thoughts on this.

My initial thoughts were that I would say I am a naturally dominant person and thus have some difficulty understanding the mindset of naturally submissive people. But having given the matter some careful consideration I realised that if I had said that it would not strictly be true.

As a child I often sought validation and approval from people around me and if this meant that I needed to be subservient then so be it. My main target for approval/acceptance was from my Father, after many years of trying I eventually gave up. I learned through experience that no matter how hard I tried or whatever I achieved it was never enough.

When I started senior school at the age of eleven I entered a world where I felt very vulnerable. Being in an all male school with pupils ranging from 11 to 16 years old was very daunting. I was also thrust into an environment where the upbringings, standards, values and morals of many of the pupils were far different from my own. Basically it was the law of the jungle, the fiercest and fittest survived and the rest of us were their to provide amusement, services or material items as required.

I quickly learned that if I did not comply then I would suffer, physically or psychologically or both....and I did on numerous occasions. In short, I was bullied and after a while I chose the path of least resistance and just gave in to pretty much every demand made of me. I was incredibly unhappy and my Father was not only unsympathetic but actually added to my predicament by making his own threats if I did not stand up for myself.

This continued for just over two years. At thirteen and a half years of age a group of boys aged 15 nearly killed me and my two friends by dropping large boulders over the edge of a cliff whilst we were standing below. All I can remember is a massive surge of rage and suddenly found myself standing over the biggest of the 15 year olds as he lay on the floor unconscious. The other boys ran away, my knuckle was sore and I realised I had knocked this boy out.

I was so shocked by my actions, but also so pleased, I no longer felt vulnerable, I realised I could do something about how I was treated by others. There were several more skirmishes over the coming weeks, which I won and my confidence grew immensely. When school restarted and the biggest bully demanded my money, which I had given him virtually every week for two years, I told him to fuck off, he tried to grab me but I hit him and he cried. No one touched me after that or demanded anything from me and although I often still felt scared/frightened I also felt empowered to deal with things.

As time went by, my general confidence grew and grew and I became a person that others wanted to follow, in short I became dominant. The more people tried to appease me the more confident I became and the more dominant I became. From being terrified of girls I transitioned into dominating them and loved every minute of it. I still realised I could be vulnerable but developed a keener sense for self survival and learned to try to not get into difficult situations in the first place, prevention can often be better than a cure.

So I became dominant, essentially as a method for survival. This manifested itself in all aspects of my life and I was absolutely committed to never wanting to feel like I had done prior to my transition.

All of my relationships had me very much the dominant person, although they were not always formalised. I did not even consider trying to put a label to what I was or how I was, I was just me.

I found dominance pretty easy in my career and private life and there was no room for any type of submission, even when I was confronted with no win situations, I always chose to lose while still fighting and never accepted defeat.

When I met MT I was very much still a dominant person, yet felt this strange urge when she strated to impose herself upon me. I also tried imposing, but only pushed to a certain point. I was falling in love with her, she was very very strong willed and not at all evidently submissive. A battle could have ended up very bloody but I knew she would never be submissive to me. Thus, if I wanted a relationship with her it would have to be with her dominating me. I considered this very very carefully as I did not think I had a submissive bone in my body. Logic also told me that dominance had not found me happiness at a sustained level. All my relationships had ended by my volition, even though the significant ones were with just cause.

Love can make you do strange things, so I submitted, bit by bit and not without a fight sometimes (still do but not so frequently). I found trust building,  and with that trust I felt it easier to submit more and more until the ultimate point when I became MT's property.

I have grown to love my submission and to love my service, but of course it is only to her...unless she orders me to submit to otheres under her direction.

When I analyse it, I might have been a naturally dominant person who learned to be submissive in order to survive. The survival tactic worked for a while and then something snapped and I became very dominant in a very short space opf time and remained that way for 37 years in my interactions with everyone. Then I fell in love with a dominant woman and felt safe to be submissive and to NOT have to be dominant in my relationship with her. My dominance to the rest of the world is probably still my defence mechanism, born out of an inherrent mistrust of the world that still predominantly stands.

It sounds complicated yet is simple but in a complicated way. Phew :)

Sunday outing

MT felt a bit better yesterday so we went to the afternoon/ evening bdsm event after all. MT looked absolutely stunning in her new dress and received many admiring glances and stares and comments. As it was a very hot day, I was allowed to wear my gladiator outfit instead of the proposed leather jeans, which was a massive relief. It was really nice as I received umpteen comments about my outfit. I was also perhaps at my lightest weight since we brought it, so I suppose I felt even more comfortable in it. I have now lost nearly a stone so I am really happy about that.

Because my knee and now my back, are so painful, MT was unable to use me as she had hoped to. I was able, however, to bend over a bench and MT gave me more than one very firm paddling, caning and horse whipping, Oh and I nearly forgot, the dreaded thick leather belt as well. And the tyburn on top of the carving which of course re-opened the cuts and got very bloody much to MT's delight.

It was ever so hot, and MT was still far from well really, so we stayed inside a lot of the time. The venue was fantastic, great equipment, relaxing areas, a 40 person jacuzzi and some beds. MT and I could not drink because of our medication but we still enjoyed lazing on the grass etc. One of the great pleasures of these parties is that everything is happening around you perfectly casually. So we were napping under a tree with a woman chained to it being beaten, people being whipped with single tails, people in suspensions, people bound and in hoods.... pretty much everything all taking place in the sunshine. MT says it's like a really perfect pub garden.

There was a blood play area inside and of course MT took full advantage of it. Both buttocks received carving and of course she drank my blood, which she always loves. She also cut my face cheek again, it hurt like hell but was quite erotic when she licked the blood from my cheek. She really loves cutting my face.

My backside was very sore on the hour drive home, MT was too tired to fuck me, but warned of a morning fucking. After the great joy of a lie in (we hardly ever get to lie in) the promised fucking delivered with gusto. I really spaced out during the cutting and again when she had finished fucking me. I just laid there on the bed, totally sore, totally exhausted and totally happy.

The rest of the day was very nice, a trip to Diss, gentle walk around the shops, then MT treated us to a picnic in the park by the lake. A great weekend with my darling owner, followed up with a great day off. Life as a slave is really great (most days) ;)

Life getting in the way

MT is very poorly at the moment, she has just started a course of antibiotics. I knew she was not well as she has not hurt me for several days or used my ass. It is the little things you notice when you have been together for a while :).

We are hoping she gets better soon, we may have to miss our day/night of debauchery on Sunday if she does not improve. The main things is that she gets better.

Today was horrendously busy at work, hard manual work and dirty work at that. This 'slave life' can be quite hard at times but I would not have it any other way.

Gifts

In  the Off Topic section of the O/p group MT wrote this today :-

'All else apart he has enough subby chicks who throw themselves at him. There's one who is very nice who I instantly spotted as a Nigel type girl that I may even consider sanctioning for him (that will be a nice anniversary present, yes ?'

I was quite gobsmacked when I read this as I was not expecting such information. I do not know which girl MT is referring to, but there is a particular one I would be pleased about as she is very nice and we get on well. The old days of topping pretty girls sometimes feels a million years ago, but sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I have lots of fun memories of those days, they were a little crazy at times but they met a need.

When MT has given me the option on a few occasions I have politely declined. There are quite a few reasons for this. Most importantly is the fact I am MT's slave and in a sense it actually now seems inappropriate for me to solo top a girl, it sort of feels a bit like being unfaithful (yes I am an old fashioned man). Also, the time spent topping someone else is sometimes time I could have spent being used by MT, which after all is something she enjoys and which I see as my role. There is a little bit of me that fears that ' I might get the taste for it again' and that this might disrupt my submission to MT.

Additionally, we have never got round to discussing what MT would see as being acceptable acts and unacceptable ones with me solo. When I dominate I really get a high from it and like to immerse myself in it - it's a bit like flicking a switch, as soon as I start it feels entirely natural and I feel everything come back . We both say that in my case it's always a bit like giving a reformed alcoholic a drink. I would not like to do anything that would upset MT but I get a taste back for it very fast. I prefer to not have too many limits when I am topping as it sort of distracts from the power exchange for me.

So I shall have to wait and see how this plays out, she could just be teasing me of course :). MT does actually get off on my topping so it may happen.

I understand it in the normal world, but I always find it quite surprising that when we are out and I am obviously submitting to MT that I get subbie girls showing an interest in my dominant side, it must still sort of show I suppose.

Thinking ahead

On Sunday we are going to a private event run by someone who really knows how to throw a BDSM party. The last one we went to was held at a very large house with fantastic gardens and a swimming pool. This one is at a place that used to be a hotel, has acres of land and a very large jacuzzi.

Weather permitting we will be able to enjoy outside activities and if not we will have ample space inside. The last time we went I had the humiliating misfortune to be publicly put on the end of a fucking machine for some considerable time. This amused MT no end and she often references it. There have been threats of a repeat which I really do not want.

It is a long event, ten hours at least, so I expect I shall really be feeling used and sore by the time it finishes and then some more when MT gets me home. She always uses me hard after a public event, usually much  harder use than when we are out.

At previous events we have met some really nice people and there are some quite serious players as well as some O/p couples. There are also usually a few really hot girls so MT will be in her element, no doubt she might also keep an eye out for a hot guy as well.

Whenever I see her talking to some guy at an event I start to wonder if I will end up having to service his cock before the night is out. It could be worse though, she might decide to use him for her own personal pleasure. It is a difficult catch 22, if she sees an attractive guy I either fear the humiliation of him using my holes under her instructions or having to watch her take her pleasure with him.

If I was given a choice, I would always choose to be used myself. Whilst I really dislike it, it is the lesser of the two evils.I know being jealous is a bad thing (allegedly) but it is just the way I feel. But of course I have no choice so it is almost irrelevant really.

My main concern at the moment though is my knee, it is unbearably painful even with the tramadol.  I might not have to crawl or get up on my knees which could be considered positive. But, I do not see it that way, I would much prefer to be fully fit and able to take anything and everything that MT wants to throw my way. Over the years I have slowly become more conscious, more driven etc to be available and usable for MT regardless of any negative effect on me. I have developed a higher desire to provide good service and to be a pleasing utility for her. Fuck, I really am starting to sound like a fucking slave. ;)

Monday musings

Had a day off today, not from being a slave of course, but from work. I think it would be quite cool to have 'slave holidays' , I did mention it to MT once and guess what, she said no, it was worth a try though.

On a serious note, I do think there would be some benefit to a short break now and again although I do think there might be some negative effects. On the plus side, it would be great to just be able to have a few days doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted without any restrictions. Point of Fact - pre MT I did manage to get myself into all sorts of scrapes by 'doing what I wanted to do' so this could also be a negative thing ;)

It would also give MT a break from the pressure of dealing with a difficult slave. Hmmmm then she might decide it was really good and less stressful and then she might not want me back !

Perhaps this holiday idea is not such a good idea after all. It was hard enough adjusting to life as a slave when I started, would I really want to go through all that again ? no not really and I do not think MT would want to either, once was more than enough for her.

Ok so the holiday idea is off, perhaps I could ask for time off during the day, you know, like a long lunch break. Nah, she won't buy that either. Oh well, it was a nice thought, for a while.

Changing the subject entirely, my left knee has been extremely painful for some considerable time but this last two weeks it has been a lot worse. The Doctor said today that my cartilage appears to be damaged. He asked me if I had played a lot of sport, I said I had. I thought it prudent not to mention that I spend a lot of my time on my knees either crawling or being used by MT. So he is going to send me for xrays and then most likely it will be a cartilage op. It will be interesting when my backside is exposed on the operating table and they see MT's 'art work'. Bet they smirk a lot when I come round.

Morning announcement

I am a very smug slave this morning, I fucked MT until she announced she could not take any more of my cock. This is a rare occasion. Slave walks away with cocky swagger. :) :)

Contradictions

Everyone is unique, so each of our experiences are unique. From what I have observed ,however,  being owned by MT is quite a lot different to the 'norm'.

So I thought I would give a few examples.

Some female Owners tend to dress in a particular femdom style when at public events, not MT. Wherever we are she often wears huge stompy biker boots, often has multi coloured hair, which when we are out is sometimes topped off with tiara or a fascinator. When there is make up there will nearly always be lots of glitter and dark eye make up. The mix of butch and femme is delightful.

Personality wise she swings from Literature Lecturer, woman of culture to full on swearing coarse raucous squaddie, depending of course on circumstances. She can appear quiet and demure and in the next instance roar and attack like a lion protecting her cubs.

Her treatment of me is also full of contradictions. I may be dressed for a club in gladiator attire and massive new rocks or 'daisy duke cut offs'. But I can be a gladiator with glitter on, damn it.

I am her obedient slave but also her protective man. She likes to own and control me but she likes the fact I am very much an alpha male in terms of personality and capability. I may be her bitch, but I am also her 'ally and her attack dog'. When out and about we may well spot a pretty girl and then just look at each other knowing exactly what the other one is thinking ie pretty girl who would be nice to spank and bugger If there's problem we work in harmony..

My ability to cook and clean and pedicure is equally appreciated as my ability to earn money, garden and decorate.

I suppose it stands to reason that a bundle of contradictions would like, and enhance, another bundle and contradictions

Back to business

Today was a back to normal day. Four hours work this morning then the rain struck, so it was a case of phone and cancel the afternoons work. This was a great relief as I was feeling quite tired.

So MT and I went to bed for 'a snuggle'. Now this can mean many things, from the innocent cuddle to a full use the slave session for hours on end.

Today was a bit of a mix. Romantic cuddles, slave providing orgasms for Owner, slave getting spanked soundly with the paddle and then slave getting well and truly stuffed with the strap on. Followed of course by a cuddle.

There are some things MT can seldom resist. One of them is a freshly spanked bottom. She loves to spank a bottom until it is bright red and very hot to the touch. Then she likes it nicely presented and then she uses it, mercilessly. So whenever she says ' you need a spanking, get the (insert hitty object) I know there is a fair chance I shall be anally used.

Saying goodbye

Yesterday we travelled 210 miles to stay overnight at my brothers house. Today was my father's funeral. It was somewhat different to any other cremation I have been to. Three songs were played ( of rather strange and depressing choice made by my step mother) and a humanist gave a somewhat inaccurate account of my Father's life.It was one of those moments when I had to firmly bite my tongue and harness the desire to yell out some truths. But of course I did not.

I mourn more for the life I should have had with my Father than I do for the loss of the life we actually had.

My Mother was cremated at the same place eleven years ago and I have to admit I felt more sad reading her plaque than I did at my Father's service.

MT was an absolute rock, I love her so much. She was everything I needed plus so much more.

I am so glad it is over, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, now it it is time to move on.

Disciplined

Last night when we went to bed I was expecting a fairly uneventful transition to sleep. Oh how wrong I was. Whilst in bed, MT told me to go and get the leather paddle, which of course I did. I was then given a very thorough spanking on my already very sore bruised and cut buttocks.

This was, however, no ordinary spanking, this was a disciplinary spanking because I had been a mouthy bitch (OK, mouthy I admit to, not so sure about the bitch bit...Ok I accept it ). During my spanking I was repeatedly told about my infraction and that my behaviour was not going to be tolerated etc etc. It was painful and I also find it humiliating to be spanked for bad behaviour, and this rarely happens - if I fuck up enough to get punished it's usually a much more harsh affair. MT refers to events  like last night as 'disciplinary,' which is her speak for an attitude adjusting warning shot. These come with  components to really take me down a peg or two. I felt quite relieved when the spanking was over. I can't remember how many times I had apologised for my bad behaviour during the spanking and hoped that was an end to the matter.

Wrong again, I was then told to fetch the strap on. Still very sore from Sunday mornings use I really was not enthusiastic (Ok, I sulked). MT then gave me a very long, very thorough disciplinary fucking which had me babbling out yet more apologies.

Finally, I was allowed to sleep.Not quite so easy when your backside is so very sore.

The threats of similar treatments for bad behaviour loom over my head, this might help me focus.

Flawed slave

There are many things I find difficult about being a slave. I have overcome a huge number of things so far that were challenging but there are still some things I find very hard to overcome and repeatedly they interfere/ interrupt my slavery. When this happens there are several implications, firstly, I get so pissed off I react badly and often feel like saying ' fuck this I have had enough'. When I do act badly it totally hacks off MT, and sometimes it also upsets her. I do not like to cause her either of these feelings but, at the time, because I feel she has made me feel like I do, I think 'fuck it'.

Now I know this is not good slave behaviour, I know many people would see it as being appalling behaviour for anyone let alone a slave.Being a person with my background and life experiences coupled with my dominant personality make me a fairly strange person to perhaps be property. It was not something I ever yearned for, just the opposite in fact. but, I met MT and fell in love and the rest is history.

BUT....I do not think it is either surprising or to be unexpected that it was never going to be easy, either from my perspective or MT's.

My main problem is when I think MT is either treating me unfairly or badly 'In My Opinion'. It makes me kick off and I just can't seem to stop it. Whether the issue I get hacked off about has justification or not is pretty much a matter of perspective, rather than being factual (again in my opinion). So it would be pointless to discuss examples as it could be over anything.

The issue is really about me not being able to accept something which I really do not like or where I think MT is wrong/ mistaken or just being 'unnecessarily' bossy/ pedantic/ petty/ awkward etc. When this happens my opinion, my view, my feelings, my emotions, my angst etc becomes paramount to me and I really do not care too much about the impact on her at that particular time.

Afterwards, on cooling down, reflecting, re-considering etc I usually very much regret how I handled x or y and the impact it had on MT. Sometimes I see that I over reacted, took something negatively that was meant to be positive, or was just in a shit mood, or my viewpoint remains the same but I understand that she communicated something I misinterpreted, or made a genuine mistake, or that she just wants something I don't want her to want..

I know that many people may think Owners stand in such an exalted position they should never be challenged or criticised, disobeyed or upset by their property. Whilst in principle (in an ideal world) I can see this as being the 'perfect' O/p relationship position to be attained I personally find the 'real world' to be not such an easy place.

I am her slave, but I still have my own opinions, thoughts, standards, ethics, personality, emotions, strengths, weaknesses, flaws, desires etc etc.

Most of the time, I think I do pretty well, but the difficult times are the ones that really put a strain on a relationship. I do not think many people split up because their relationship is too perfect. It usually happens because there are problems which do not get resolved.

If I was to become a 'perfect slave' I believe I would only be able to achieve it by first becoming a 'perfect human being' . Being a realist and knowing myself reasonably well, I will never become a perfect human being, thus I shall never become a perfect slave.

What I WILL do, is to strive to become the best slave I can be for my Owner. For me, understanding where things go wrong/ awry and trying to change/ overcome/ modify etc my thoughts, feelings, emotions and reactions accordingly may lead to greater success.

In the great internet world and in terms of the purity of an O/p relationship many people believe that the only criteria is to submit and accept everything totally at all times without exception. Also, that a slaves opinion is irrelevant or a slave should not perhaps even have an opinion, and that the only opinions that ever matter are those of the Owner.

I personally believe that such perfect O/p relationships rarely exist where for both parties there is complete utopia at all times.

I am sorry for all the times I have let down MT or pissed her off or upset her. I can not promise to never do it again, because I will. But I can promise to try harder and to continue to try and become the best slave I can.

MT knows me better than anyone else ever has, and I know she has no illusions about me and I know she expects me to not always meet her expectations.........but she does expect me to try and that is what I will continue to do.

Night out

After a lot of  driving for MT, we reached our hotel yesterday. After a quick sleep as MT was exhausted, and some considerable body preparation on my part we went to the club. MT looked so fucking hot I was so proud to be going out with her. MT informs me I have say what she dressed me in, in the end for the benefit of people asking - I wore my leather gladiator 'harness' / top but criss crossed across my body, with black very low cut trousers that show my tattoo at the back, a metal belt, and enormous new rocks. MT was pleased & we both got lots of nice compliments.

The club was excellent, great venue and very nice people. The equipment was first class and the dungeon areas were atmospheric and well thought out.

I was allowed two glasses of wine which was really good, I have not had alcohol for a few weeks so it was a real treat. After some socialising MT took me upstairs and strapped me to a kneeling bench, buttocks bare of course. She then proceeded to give me a very thorough flogging to the back, and caning and strapping mostly to the buttocks. I have to be honest, I kicked and screamed and begged for all I was worth, it was so painful. Unfortunately, it had no effect.  She also hit my face with a very thick, heavy leather strap, and I remember the cane going across my upper arms.

At one stage I had to beg MT to give me a short break in between the blows as I was unable to get a good breath of air in between the pounding. It was like I was continuously taking great gasps in, but not having time to exhale. I was so glad when it finished, some 40 minutes or so after it had started. I was so bruised and sore.

Before I was allowed to pull up my trousers MT inserted the dreaded Njoy and then we went back to the socialising. We met some really nice new people last night, so MT was happily chatting away. We met one girl we got on with especially well. She was especially nice and very cute.

Next up was a visit to one of the two medical play areas. MT had me lay face down on a examination table and proceeded to cut my arse a lot and then drink my blood. On top of my beating the carving was excruciating and I got a bollocking for flinching and 'spoiling her artwork', silly old me to flinch while my flesh was being cut! Whatever next? She then also decided to cut my face. I was quite nervous as presenting one's face to someone like MT when she's in  cutting mood is a perilous thing, but she surprised me by only making a small shallow cut a couple of inches long. Fortunately, after this my request to be unplugged was granted, such relief. MT was so 'up' from drinking my blood it was like she was high on drugs, she had blood all around her face and this lovely wild exotic sexy look on her face....fuck she looked good. Very predatory. Her pupils go like saucers when she has blood and as she had a lot last night, which I can only presume coupled with her exhaustion is why it effected her so much.

Then downstairs and more socialising. There were chip butties which I was not permitted, she's such a fucking sadist. The third trip upstairs was shorter, the bench again and another sound thrashing, but by this time the endorphins and adrenalin etc were at quite high levels and the pain did not seem so bad.

Then more socialising then back to the hotel. We were both tired so sleep followed quickly. But on waking I was ordered to get the strap on out and MT spread my very sore, very marked and very bruised cheeks and gave me a very, very vigorous shafting. After many orgasms (MT's not mine) I was permitted to make love to her and gratefully was permitted an orgasm.

The long drive home in driving rain was tiring and very very painful. My cheeks are so sore and just feeling my trousers touching the skin is oh so painful. I'm very marked.

It was a good night, unfortunately MT was not feeling her best but still managed to give me a hell of a beating and general seeing to, and it seemed to perk her up as sadism (and drinking blood in particular) always does. She really is something special and her slave is feeling well and truly owned today.

Feet and fear

Work was hard today, I really felt exhausted when I got in. MT made me a coffee and I had a short rest. As I am trying to lose weight and generally get my body in better shape for MT I did a few light weights and some sit ups. The low carb diet is effective, but I am finding the food limitations somewhat boring. Ten days and I have lost about six pounds, so I am pleased as is MT which is the important bit.

I then tended MT's feet, exfoliating them and generally giving them a spiffy up (please note that unlike the vast majority of male s-types MT & I meet, I do not have a foot fetish. I actually rather detest feet). MT is still keen to have me formally trained in massage technique, so I guess that will be coming around the corner in time (despite my best attempts to avoid it, and success in this early on).

I have started getting things ready for tomorrows excursion, the nervousness is mounting which feels good. MT's weapons, er I mean equipment, is taken out in a silver box and I have started getting that ready . She usually gives me a list of items to put in there, but she sometimes adds other little things without me knowing.The worst equipment is contained in a canvas type pool cue case. Usually it is two canes. one thick, one thin, riding crop and the horse whip. Paddles, tyburn, shackles, blindfold, tape, plugs, strap on, needles, blades, lube (when I'm lucky - we have run out which does not bode well. MT went t the chemist today and didn't pick any up), wipes and other items of pleasure all go in the silver box.

Just like getting myself ready, getting the equipment ready is also psuedo ritualistic. I hate and yet love doing it simultaneously. Handling the things that will yield so much pain is sort of perverse, yet also comforting as well as exciting. I find this really weird as I really do hate pain. I still amaze myself as to how 'strange' I have become since becoming MT's property.

Preparing

My nerves are starting to get busy as our night out at the new bdsm venue draws closer. MT is going to pluck my eyebrows this evening. She hates then to be bushy and I can't do it very well as for close up work I need to wear glasses and they sort of get in the way of the eyebrows. It does seem to hurt more when MT does it, Hmmmm I wonder if she has a 'special' technique for me.

I will do my physical preparation on Saturday when I get back from work. It is I suppose very close to a ritual in some ways. Not that MT makes it one, it is just something it feels like to me. As I start the shaving process, face, head, chest, buttocks and balls I become quite immersed in the actual process. Whenever we are going out I try to take extra care to ensure a good close finish and to try to avoid any cuts at all costs.

MT has already psyched me out with her ' make sure you shave nicely between your cheeks as your cheeks will be publicly spread on Saturday night'. Even after all this time and after so many occasions this type of humiliation still takes my breath away and sends pulses through my body.

Of course the whole night will be filled with painful and humiliating things, at the club and back in the hotel room. MT is often unpredictable in so many ways....BUT...whenever we go to a hotel I nearly  always get well and truly fucked with a strap on, it has almost become a custom. MT is threatening to use the very large black one, I shall plead intensely for the 'mercy' of the still large but smaller pink one.

I am not a betting person but my pleas will probably fall on deaf ears. Better the big black one though rather than the other alternative, which I do not want to even mention.

Aspirations

I try very very hard to be a good slave for MT but sometimes I fail miserably. I could make lots of excuses but quite frankly I have never liked it when people make excuses for poor or bad performance, so I do not like using ' excuses' myself.

I am quite comfortable with 'reasons' though, I see these as being very different, unless of course they are excuses disguised as reasons.

For some time now I have followed scott's blog on http://mrsemmakelly.com/ . I find scott's blog fascinating and admire his commitment, devotion and dedication along with many other things. Sometimes, however, scott makes me feel a little (a lot sometimes) ashamed of myself as I do not feel his 'drive' to serve so selflessly as much as he does. I read his words and think ' I wish I could be like that',  or 'I wish I could just come to terms with things like that '.

I think time may well be relevant, he and his Owner have been together for many years and probably lived through quite a lot of experiences together. I am 5 years into my slavery and it has not generally come naturally to me. I never had a desire to serve before meeting MT, just the opposite actually.

Perhaps being a dom all those years is a reason for my lapses. Given an inch I will take a yard, old habits die hard I guess.

I am continuing to 'try' of course and I am very different now to how I was 5 years ago. MT has been very patient and tolerant and directive and continues to do so. Of course, she should not really have to be, I wanted this, I asked for it and she should ALWAYS have a willing slave and she should get it without any of the aggravation I give her.

There is just 'something' that now and again interferes with my submission and compliance. It is not a conscious thing, I really detest upsetting her and not being a good slave. It just 'happens' sometimes and try as I might when it comes I just can't control it.

I do think I am getting better, I think the occurrences are getting less frequent and less dramatic. But I would really like to feel how scott and many others feel, so comfortable and so driven by the desire to serve.

I also read the posts on the O/p group on FL and often think "OMG  x person or y person is such a committed and dedicated slave, why can't I be like that"?

Of course, everyone has their bad days/ times, also evident from slave and Owner posts.

I am not disheartened about my slavery, just disappointed in myself sometimes. But I will continue to try and maybe one day I might just get close.

Slave whinge

There are many things I find difficult about being a slave. Of course there are many things I love about it, but then those bits are easy :).

I thought I would list my top ten difficult things, in no particular order (OK maybe the first one is)

1. Orgasm denial - I hate this one, if MT does not give direct approval I can't have one. Many a sleepless night because that part was wide awake.

2. Food control. I love food, especially treats like chocolate, ice cream, cakes etc. Not being able to eat what I like when I like is very hard.

3. Alcohol restrictions or total bans. This is a biggy, over the years I have often enjoyed alcohol (to excess sometimes) and I miss being able to have a drink whenever I want one.

4. Spending restrictions, I just love to spend whenever I want and how much I want, but my limit now is, erm, very limiting.

5. Not being able to buy parts for Cati whenever I want and not being allowed to change my motorbikes whenever I want. I used to change bikes at least once a year, sometimes twice. I get bored with them and then want a new 'toy'.

6. Having to being either nice to people when I do not want to be, or not being able to be nasty when I want to be, I find this very frustrating.

7. Having my ass used whenever MT wants......well it is humiliating and it hurts.

8. Being forced to do gay acts, this one really sucks (ha ha)

9. Having to shut up or behave when I am in a mood. I have big problems with this one, and when I do have to shut up it nearly kills me :)

10. MT having the right to do what the fuck she wants....sometimes it just seems so unfair.

Anticipation

Well last night went easily enough. There was no nasty slave use, I was just required to give MT a few orgasms which is always a pleasure and a privilege.

Since we had the 'discussions' and active demonstrations that MT was of course free to take her pleasure with other people I have grown more accustomed to the fact that it is a 'privilege' to be the one MT chooses to take her pleasures from.It is in aspect I still have some difficulties with but I am becoming more comfortable with it than I was before.

Unfortunately, my views on this have proved a useful weapon/tool for MT to use. She often mentions it, so it has become a psychological method of humiliation/taunting/teasing etc. I never know when MT is seriously considering something or just teasing. She is a cunning Owner, sometimes she may say x or y might happen but I never know for sure if it is to become a reality or just a mind fuck.

Being kept in a virtually permanent state of 'suspense' is a very powerful thing for me. I enjoy the 'never knowing what's next' feeling. It ranges from mild curiosity to absolutely not being able to wait to find out what will happen.

It all  gives me a rush, it makes me feel alive, it helps to quell the mundaneness and boredom that is so easy to have creep up on you in life. I love feeling myself gasp, feeling my heart beating faster and feeling each pulse through my body. The sort of tingly adrenalin rush that sometimes makes my body quiver or shake has become something I long for and crave with increasing intensity. This again can easily be used against me. MT knows when I long for something and sometimes she denies me it which is very tortuous.

I have ended up trying to mentally prepare myself for anything, but that is a tall order and sometimes no amount of preparation is actually enough to lessen the impact of some events.

Counting

Still sore from yesterdays us, no it is not funny :). I think MT has something planned for tonight but she is playing her cards very close to her chest... plenty of room to hide several packs of cards there ;)

I expect whatever it was probably just got worse.

The diet continues, no mousse today or jelly :( grrrrr. It is not too bad, but I am missing all the carbs, my favourite foods contain so many carbs.

The countdown to our night out on Saturday has begun for me. As mentioned on here before, I get nervous when MT is going to take me out. I do not mind going to a new BDSM venue, that is exciting, it's what I will have to go through that is the more worrying aspect.

In addition to the usual trepidation (OK fear) is the fact we are staying the night in a nearby hotel. MT has been toying with me (or not as the case may be ) that if she meets anyone suitable at the event they might get an invite back to the hotel with us. Of course if they happened to be female and hot that would be pretty good, if male, well that's a different story. Guess I will just have to wait and see, as usual.

What can be pretty much guaranteed is I will get a severe beating with numerous hurty things, and a big dose of humiliation. Back at the hotel, the chances of receiving the big black strap on are pretty high as are the chances of  being cut.

The two and a half hour drive home on Sunday is likely to be a painful affair, the seat may feel more than a little uncomfortable.

In my days on a Fire Station I never knew what I would be doing from one minute to the next, life with MT is pretty much the same. It can be dangerous, it can be painful but it is always very very exciting and very fulfilling.

A busy day

Work was busy busy today and I felt totally zonked when I got in after 5 hours of solid gardening very early in the day.

I started a low carb diet on Tuesday, for someone like me who loves their carbs it is quite a difficult thing for me to do. But, it is effective, it is something MT uses and at least I have the luxury of being allowed to eat lots of  meat. MT has also made me these cheesecake mousses which are far too delicious to belong on a diet, so that livens things up.

So far I have lost three and a half pounds which is encouraging over 5 days. MT wants me to lose some of my chubby bits and to tone up some more. So my diet will continue for as long as she determines, best I try very very hard then.

After being a bit gobby to MT (What me?!) I was given a little reminder regarding my place this afternoon. The little reminder was about 7 inches long, thick and is attached to a harness which in turn was attached to a miffed MT. As one can imagine, this did not bode well for a mouthy slave.

Fortunately I did get lube, which was quite surprising really but I was very grateful for it. It has been a while since I have been used like this and I quickly remembered 'my place'. I think actually it was mostly about grounding me and 'bringing me back to her' after the last few days as well.

After MT had achieved her usually high number of orgasms I was left bruised, battered and bleeding, so situation normal.

This type of use it tends to interfere with my ability to get an erection, but, today was one of the rarer times when I was up and ready. MT demanded I put her cock to good use and I did not need to be told twice. I am always up for a game of hide the sausage.

Having being given such a treat (and being allowed an orgasm which I hadn't expected) I was given TV football as well. I like being MT's slave, well, most of the time :)

Getting back to 'normal'

First of all I would like to say a very big thank you to everyone who has sent kind messages to me, both here and on the O/p group and via MT. Your kindness has been overwhelming.

Unfortunately, my Father's funeral will not take place until 16th June, I had hoped it would be sooner. I feel mainly for my two brothers and my half brother because my Father was actively in their lives on a daily basis. They will feel the loss more directly than I will. In some ways my Father stopped being my Father many years ago, but I still feel the loss.

I will never forget how broken my brother was at our Mum's funeral and I am totally dreading my Dads as I fear my brother will be even worse. I hate seeing them so sad and hurting so much.

Changing the subject completely, MT has been wonderful (of course). She has been very understanding, especially as I am a person who sometimes stays particularly quiet when stressed. I tend to get through difficult times by spending quiet time alone and working things through in my head. It works for me and has been considerably tested over the years.

I just want things back to normal as soon as possible. So last night at bedtime I asked MT if I could provide her with some sexual service. She was a bit cautious that I might not be up to it but I assured her I was. It was so nice to be back doing what we do. Providing MT with services feels so right and it was comforting to be back where I belong.

Post by MT. Thirty of the many reasons I love my Nigel.

Thirty of the many things I love about my Nigel;

1. He is unfailingly brave.
2. He is extremely intelligent.
3. He is very strong, in every way.
4. He fucks me til I pass out, then bounds off obediently to make me tea.
5. He is capable of being fierce and terrifying, but he is still 'my boy'.
6. He has done so much in his life, so he always has something interesting to say.
7. He is a stroppy nasty old bastard a lot of the time, but he would do anything for people he loves or most people who need help.
8. When I am having a nightmare he strokes my hair in bed in a particularly lovely way.
9. He has a wicked sense of humour.
10. He is quite capable and willing to throw down to look after us however messy. This is both love and sexiness inducing.
11. He is a devoted Father. He plays football, dances to the Black Eyed Peas (we call him Ni.I.Am), builds sleds, spends hours with his fascinated 'workman's assistant' explaining How Things Work, and How To Mend Things, and arranges regular trips to the seaside for sandcastle building etc. 
12. He is extremely capable.
13. He makes the best. poached. eggs. ever. This is a very important skill here.
14. When he sets about doing something he works at it incredibly hard and nothing stops it until he has done what he set out to.
15. He sort of growls at me in bed and says 'get in my arms where you belong' which delights my girly self.
16. He is full of energy and enthusiasm and generally loves life.
17. He is so deliciously perverted, depraved and generally obscene.
18. He has all sorts of mad advanced skills in all kinds of things. Every now and then one I didn't know about will become apparent. You know, just casually.
19. He's fun. Real fun
20. He tries to look after me when my body throws a tantrum and needs to rest
21. He doesn't get freaked out by my bossiness. Annoyed by it sometimes, but not freaked.
22. We have adventures together
23. He's so bloody hot that I often end up having sexual fantasies about him even when I'm trying to think about something else.
24. He does thoughtful thing like making me lovely flower filled gardens, to make me happy.
25. He's 55 going on 25. No one should have that much energy at 55.
26. There are some things about my past that freak people out that he is generally a bit less freaked by which is nice.
27. He is very brave and dedicated about enduring the pain I inflict upon him.
28. He works hard to do what he signed up for despite his natural base temperament.
29. He is a devoted slave.
30. He is far from perfect, but he is the perfect man for me.

Dad

Today is a beautiful sunny one here. MT has gone out for the day to Cambridge, which is good as she loves it there. I meanwhile have been at work, which was actually quite nice, a fantastic day to garden.A day when it really does feel good to be alive.

One thing life has taught me is that things can change so quickly, and today was one of those days. A simple ring of a mobile phone and my life will never be quite the same again. My brother called to tell me my Father had collapsed and was on a life support machine. They said he was unable to breathe without it, if their medical attempts failed to get him breathing they would disconnect him.

I just phoned my brother, my Father has been taken off the life support machine and taken to a ward. They do not expect him to last more than one and a half hours. I can not get there to see him in time, I live 5 hours drive away.. I do not think I could have handled it anyway,. My poor brother is distraught, as are my other brother and stepbrother. My Fathers wife is there as well and it must be tough for her as her first husband died some years ago.
.
I have not let MT know yet. I do not want to spoil her lovely day in Cambridge, I shall of course tell her when she returns. No doubt I will get a telling off, but I really want her to have a nice day.

Because of the history between my Father and I, I have been taken aback at just how hard this has hit me. It is not an appropriate time to be dissecting this now, but suffice to say some might be suprised I would shed a tear.

But of course, he was my Father, you only get one. None of us are perfect, we are human. I do have some good memories of him but they tend to get quickly blotted out by other memories.

I feel sad for so many reasons, regretting the relationship we had and wishing for the one we should have had. |But it is all history now, the end of another chapter.

I am looking forward to curling up against MT when she gets home. She really understands all the intricacies of how I feel.

I just received a call from my Sister in law, my Father passed away at 1320 hrs (twelve minutes ago).

I probably won't blog for a few days.

Rest in peace Dad.