Humiliated me.

There are a myriad of types of things an Owner can do to their property. The impact of them on their property can be anywhere on a range from zero effect to total devastation. Of course all relationships vary, each one is unique. However there are also likely to be some generic similarities. Physical and psychological techniques are often deployed to greater or lesser degrees.

Pain is a great 'motivator' to many people, it can be used to make someone do something, stop them from doing something or purely for fun. MT uses it for all three reasons. It is effective, especially as I hate pain. (As an aside, I do not get any direct sexual pleasure from pain - ok, apart from some CBT -  but all other pain has a tendency to totally remove my sexual desire). I can endure a lot of pain however, probably in part due to my huge internal driver of never liking to be beaten by anything, not even my beloved owner.

Unfortunately for me, MT is a sadist and also likes to win. I therefore always end up having to accede (sometimes an early capitulation is wise to avoid unnecessary suffering - why take all that pain when you know from the start that you will eventually give in)? See? I'm learning....

Restrictions and removal of priveleges can also be very effective. The threat of no motorbike rides, TV, the threat of having to sell another motorbike (panic and sudden sick feeling just at the thought of it), ban of orgasms, being made to do tasks etc all have their use.The lure of treats and priveleges (bribery) works for some, but this is not used much by MT - unfortunately for me.

In my case, however, the method that brings me to heel and has the biggest impact is humiliation.

The wikipedia uses the following definition (edited)

'Humiliation (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It can be brought about through bullying, intimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery, or by embarrassment if a person is revealed to have committed a socially or legally unacceptable act.'

The threat of certain humiliating acts is often enough to keep me in line if I'm being a wanker. Being actively humiliated by MT brings me down instantly and leaves me in a state of full compliance and total submission.Before meeting MT I had never really experienced humiliation, it was usually me dishing it out to other people. In all honesty, I had know idea of the impact of humiliation on people, which sounds a bit irresponsible I suppose, but then if I had known, well, I probably would have exploited it even further. Did I mention my sadistic side.

On our first ever physical action session, MT introduced me to humiliation in no uncertain terms, nothing like breaking someone in gently, though actually there was no breaking in gently. I was totally gobsmacked that this sweet looking slip of a girl (she's seventeen years younger than I am) had just done what she had to me without any pretence or effort or even considering she couldn't, and it has been all downhill for me from that point on.

One of the other significant moments was when I was first ordered to crawl across a room at a BDSM event. I had never crawled before, let alone publicly, and I found myself gasping for air as I hyperventilated and then experienced one of the biggest legal highs I have ever had. I think even MT was suprised by the impact, silly me for showing it.

Humiliation features quite heavily in our lives, it is something I (now) crave and yet detest all at the same time. A good beating can easily remind me of my place and calms me down when I am getting a bit 'tricky', but a heavy session of humiliation really knocks me down and keeps me down for ages. When I feel things are getting a bit on top of me I sometimes actually tell MT I could do with some humiliation, how sick is that? Being humiliated in front of others is the biggest knockdown, there have been so many times when I wish I could have just vanished into thin air. Being made to talk and stay around people who I have been humiliated in front of or with, is so hard, almost as hard as the acts themselves.

The other important element of the effectiveness of humiliation on me is the continual reminders I get from MT. MT will taunt me with what I did, how I looked and often uses derogatory terms for me, even worse than her pet names as if that should be possible ;) Being told things such as , 'you are a disgrace' , don't you dare try to kiss me' , 'how can you possibly takes your eyes up from looking at the floor' etc are typical, but others are far more descriptive and insulting. I'll leave them to your imagination though - what do you think I am, some kind of masochist?

I hate humiliation, yet now I crave it more than most other things. Given my history this is quite the feat on her part. I'd only ever let her humiliate me. I often wonder why it has this effect on me, I can hazard some guesses but there is nothing that I can actually pinpoint as being the primary reason. It is so strange as I used to use it so much on others,  it's a good job that those I humiliated can not see me being humiliated...that would be tooooooo much.


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Changing the subject completely, I feel quite sad tonight, one of my elderly customers has a wife with severe Alzheimers, he has been looking after her at home for many years. He is in his nineties, they have been married for 66 years. He is a fantastic guy who suffers from ill health as well but seldom complains. He was so sad today, he looked like a man who has just had enough of life. I asked him if he was ok, he said 'no not really, my wife has got to go into a home, I can't cope with her violence anymore, I just can't do it anymore, 66 years of being with her just shouldn't end like this, it's just not right'. I said all the usual things you say, but of course they are useless. Yet another reminder of how lucky I am to have the life I have. But it makes me worry sometimes, none of us ever know what lies in wait for us in the future.